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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Looking For Love
By Freeman
Jul 29, 2013 - 5:11:02 PM

A very reputable and so totally not made up source passed on several snippets of various wrestler's internet dating profiles. Of course, I just had to share the best ones with you fine people, starting with the current WWE Champion himself:

John Cena [view profile]

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Seeking a: Woman
For: Don't tell Nikki
Marital Status: Divorced

About Me

Hey just looking for a bit of fun on the side. Don't mind if you're married because that wouldn't be my first rodeo if you know what I mean. I'm a confident and charming person, and I pride myself in always being the same. In fact, I haven't changed one thing about my character in the last eight years, so what you see is what you get with me. Doesn't matter if you turn out to be a friend or co-worker’s girlfriend either; if they get upset then I'll probably get them fired anyway. I'm a nice guy, and I'm very interested in current affairs. I have no interest in the news. Hit me up if you think we might be compatible, and thanks for reading my profile.

Ideal First Date

Something fairly casual and laid back. Don't mind what you wear as I'll be turning up in a bright coloured T-shirt, jorts and a matching cap. When we're at the restaurant, ignore the one half of the room cheering me on with “let's go Cena” and the other half chanting “Cena sucks.” However, if we do something competitive like bowling then you can expect me to win every time. Oh, and if things do get a little more intimate, then I hope you weren't expecting fireworks in the bedroom because I only have five moves. They are fairly effective though. Also, I'll make sure I loudly call out the transition to the next position, so that everyone can in attendance and those watching at home hear what we're going to do next.

Paul Heyman (on behalf of Brock Lesnar) [view profile]

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About Me

Humble dating site member, my name is Paul Heyman and I usually pay for it. However my client, Brock Lesnar, would like a new girlfriend. Brock Lesnar does not want any tatted up skanks replying to Brock Lesnar's profile. Brock Lesnar also does not require anyone over a size six to contact Brock Lesnar with a dating request, and Brock Lesnar also demands that anyone who looks more like a drugged up raccoon than a sexy siren be barred from Brock Lesnar's hot list. As someone who is extremely famous and who values his privacy, my client, Brock Lesnar does not wish to converse with the morons who log onto this corrupt website personally, therefore, Brock Lesnar will require all potential candidates to correspond with me first, and fully disclose all sexual fetishes, dietary requirements and toe nail cutting habits to my client, Brock Lesnar and myself. Since the Plenty of Fish corporation is the reigning defending undisputed champion of dating websites in the United States and the free world, failure to comply with my client, Brock Lesnar's demands will result in this company being slapped with a lawsuit of such gargantuan proportions that it might not recover from. You don't want to be responsible for something like that, do you humble dating site member?

Ideal First Date

My client, Brock Lesnar, is not bothered by the semantics of such a trivial matter as the first date, but please be aware that I will be accompanying and chaperoning my client, Brock Lesnar, on all first and subsequent dates that Brock Lesnar goes on.

Randy Orton [view profile]

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About Me

Recently divorced and looking to start dating again. Must have a nice purse.

Ideal First Date

A shopping trip to a Prada or Gucci store.

Mark Calaway [view profile]

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Seeking a: Woman
For: Very casual relationship
Marital Status: Married

About Me

Let's get this out of the way first; I can't really commit to anything long term, my body's not what it used to be, but I can still go when I need to. What I'm looking for, ideally, is someone who doesn't mind me turning up once a year, giving them the best sex of their life and then disappearing until next April. Don't worry, I'll be there to take you on a date every week during February and March, but once Spring comes round and I've gone twenty two and oh oh oh then that will be it till next year I'm afraid. If that sounds like an arrangement that suits you then feel free to get in touch.

Ideal First Date

Just don't dress like a slob or I'll tell management. Oh, and don't turn up at my home, I don't do house shows.

John Morrison [view profile]

 photo c4aa098d-1a06-43f9-8544-a5bd84cca381.jpg

About Me

I like to work out and I have the abs to prove it. Looking for a laid back, chilled out girl with loose morals for fun and friendship. Don't care about your past. Or your present. Or your future. Higher numbers preferred actually. I'm a pretty easy going guy and don't mind if you want to see other people during the relationship; I probably won't, as I'll be too scared of you. My ex made me watch a few hundred times and now I love it so I'll probably introduce you to my friends very quickly. If you happen to go off with someone in a higher position than me then don't worry because I'll be too scared to do anything about it. Just make sure I can borrow your boots whenever I want. You can borrow mine too. Thanks for reading and get in touch if you'd like a nice, easy going open relationship with plenty of sharing.

Just don't be Trish Stratus.

Ideal First Date

Something nice and relaxed, maybe a meal out to start with. My ex used to make me invite a friend or seven so I'll do that and you can all get to know each other. Then maybe we'll all go back to a hotel room and you and my buddies can get intimate while you make me watch. Once you're finished, you can order me to clean up the mess and make us all breakfast or something. When they're all gone, you can tell me how good it was and hopefully you'll even make me sniff any underwear that was left behind.

Vince Russo [view profile]

 photo russo.jpg

About Me

Looking for that special someone. Must be comfortable with me taking all the credit for any decent idea she has. My ideal relationship would be something controversial and fast paced that doesn't make a lot of sense. Not really looking for anything long term because that's not my style. I'm a very genuine person and I have the heart of a champion, but please be aware that my champion is different every week. Please also note that any action in the bedroom will be limited to a maximum of two minutes a time, to make room for the several hours of segments and talking that will follow.

Ideal First Date

I like multiple, short and underdeveloped dates so we won't be at any place for longer than five minutes. Ideally, when we're in the restaurant, we'll pretend to have a blazing argument, but we'll make it seem as real as possible because that will get the internet talking. Then we'll go to a strip club where there will be lots of big titties so we can appeal to the key 18-35 male demographic. Then we'll have a hardcore match. Then I'll announce you're pregnant but a paternity test will reveal that I'm not the father. Then later on that night the father will be revealed to be David Arquette so we can draw in the casual viewer with celebrity involvement. Then the baby will be a hand. Then it will turn out the father won't be David Arquette but Jeff Jarrett and oh fuck I don't have anything for next week.


About Me

hey this isn't phallic worship.com

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