“Damn Randy, thanks so much for agreeing to do this interview. Real nice place by the way, I'm sure you're real happy here with your wi, er, wifi connection.”
Freestyling: I Tried To Find The Reddit Guy
Sep 3, 2013 - 7:10:32 PM
“Thanks man. Hey, I know you wanted to ask me about that guy who keeps posting the pay per view spoilers online, but I can't talk too much about it. Company policy, sure you understand.”
“ That's okay, I'll cover it in the middle section of the column. So, anyone particularly exciting you in WWE at the moment?”
“Usual suspects really. Bryan, Punk, Wyatt Family are pretty entertaining I guess.”
“Ah Bray Wyatt. You know I think it's great that such a mysterious, backwood dwelling redneck has such a good grasp of modern technology, really helps me connect with the gimmick you know? I mean, just look at the guy; he retweets stuff from his fans, he uses the hashtag well, he uploads pictures of himself from WWE events, he has an internet connection in the middle of nowhere, it's great. I'm just looking forward to finding out if he and Kofi Kingston had a good time at the Lakers game, or seeing a picture of what he's having for dinner tonight. Oh, maybe he'll get an Instagram? You know, all stuff you'd expect from a redneck cult leader character.”
“You know what, on second thought, ask me anything on the Reddit guy.”
“It's Triple H isn't it?”
“The fuck? No. Shit, you internet people are all the same.”
“No we're not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my dad's basement to finish watching that lesbian porn I downloaded earlier.”
“Whatever. Hey, speaking of Triple H, here's something you might not know about him. Did you know that him and Shane McMahon had a pact years ago that they would pick the names for each other's kids?”
“Yeah. They never went through it though. Shame, 'cos Shane had some really nice ones picked out for Stephanie's first child, both male and female names in fact. Unfortunately, Hunter's were so fucking ridiculous and stupid that Shane and his wife couldn't use them.”
“Well what would've Hunter called Shane's child if it had been a girl?”
“Well that's not too bad. And what would've he have called the boy?”
So, as I touched on earlier, there's some fucker on Reddit who's revealing all the results to a bunch of predetermined wrestling matches. My high level of intelligence is telling me that since this guy has correctly predicted the outcomes of the last 95 or so WWE Pay Per View matches, that it must be a mole within the company. Who could it be I hear you ask? Let's run through the suspects:
Vince McMahon: Fuck it, why not? He's a cantankerous old cunt and he's probably bored.
Melina: When you've listened to as much pillow talk as she has over the last few years, you're bound to get some accurate information every now and then.
Kelly Kelly: See above.
John Laurinaitis: “So Triple H is in charge of development now John.”
“Great, I'll just to stick scouting for new talent then.”
“Er yeah, about that. Regal and a few other guys are doing that now.”
“Oh... Well, talent relations is my forte. I'll just concentrate on that”
“Yeah... Steph and Triple H kinda have that covered now.”
“I see... Is there anything I can do round here then?”
“Well... Mark Henry just took a huge dump in the second floor toilets and it smells like a Randy Orton promo in there. So yeah, if you could, you know, get some gloves on and clean that up, that would be great.”
“Oh by the way we're out of gloves.”
Johnny Ace, somehow, is still employed by WWE. I don't know what he does. Nor does WWE. He was pushed out of his Talent Relations role and isn't on television anymore, so don't be surprised if he's leaking Pay Per View spoilers out of spite.
Kevin Dunn: Loved by Vince. Hated by Triple H. Doesn't want to work for Triple H in the future so is looking for a way out. I dunno. I just made that up. Could be true though.
Jeffrey R. Speed: Did you know there's someone on the WWE board with this exact name? He sounds more like a male pornstar than an executive in a global corporation. I mean, can you imagine? Jeffrey R. Speed and Johnny Rash star in Titty Clitty Gang Bang. Or he could become a wrestler and form an R-Truth and R-Speed tag team. That's funny to me. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Reddit guy. Probably isn't Jeffrey to be honest. It's probably not Basil Devito either. Or Stuart U. Goldfarb. Those people also have funny names.
Michael Hayes: Yeah I could imagine Hayes doing something like this. Incidentally, why does he look like J.R. Ewing in this picture?
And are those tracksuit bottoms?
So yeah. There you go then. Suppose I'd better wrap this up now, since I just bought a new Thesaurus and I can't wait to get house and read it. So yeah, Michael Hayes if you could just...
Hold on I'd better take this.
“The Reddit guy isn't Michael Hayes you daft cunt.”
“Get back over to my place and I'll explain everything.”
Finally, I was going to learn the identity of the WWE mole. At last, I could expose the identity of the scoundrel who'd be ruining WWE wrestling for me for in the recent past. At no point in this entire episode did it occur to me to stop clicking on the online spoilers. Not wanting to waste anymore time, I decided to rush over to the home of Randall Keith Orton as fast as I could.
“Hey thanks for inviting me back over Randy that was real nice of you whawhawhawha what the fucking fuck? Triple H, what are you doing here?”
“Relax. I'm not here to beat you up or anything.”
“Yeah just make sure you stick around until The Shield get here. Haha I'm just kidding you little faggot! So, you think you've got it all figured out don't cha?
“Well, I thought it did, but I guess you're gonna tell me differently now.”
“Correct. You see, the Reddit user, dolphins1925, isn't some random dude on the internet leaking WWE spoilers.”
“Oh. Then what the hell is it then?”
“A character created by WWE.”
“Nope, I shit you not. The plan was to leak a bunch of Pay Per View results online, giving the character a 100% Pay Per View prediction success rate, then air a bunch of vignettes hyping up how he was going to debut in WWE and change the whole landscape of the company with his incredible ability to see into the future. We'd have portrayed him as some sort of outsider character that the company was desperate to keep quiet and shut down to really get the fans interested in the gimmick.”
“Man that sounds like some character. He'd have got over huge.”
“I know right? Can you imagine how good John Cena would've looked when he went over him clean in the main event of RAW three weeks after he'd debuted? Doesn't matter now though, because you fucking ruined it. Randy, RKO this prick and throw his skinny ass out the door. I'm going for a poo.”
And with that, a rather tense looking Triple H dashed off to the bathroom upstairs.
Randy did think about RKOing me right there and then, but to be honest, I was so nervous about the prospect of facing one of the deadliest finishing moves in WWE, that I lost all control of my bodily functions and cut a huge fart right in front of the Apex Predator. Randy, far from being irritated by my faux pas, actually found the incident quite hilarious. From then on, the banter was free flowing between us, helped in no doubt by the bottle of wine that tasted more like chilled piss than a refreshing alcoholic beverage. All was going well until my phone rang again. This time, it was Triple H:
“Dude, get up here right now. You have to see this.”
I made my excuses with Randy and dashed upstairs as fast I could. There stood Triple H with an expression that I could only describe as utter disbelief.
“Hunter, you look you've seen a ghost. What's the matter?”
“Get over here and take a look at this fucker's toilet.”
“Why what's the matt... Oh sweet mother of Jesus...”