June 15th 2010
Freestyling: How Does JTG Do It?
Sep 28, 2013 - 10:51:37 AM
Daniel Bryan, one of the most talked about and hyped wrestlers of the last ten years, had just been released by WWE, because of a segment on RAW that went against WWE's PG direction where Bryan choked out ring announcer Justin Roberts with a tie. Bryan had been tipped by some for main event success in WWE, and at the very least was a good prospect for the company. Even though he was later resigned by WWE and went on to win both the WWE and World Heavyweight Titles, many are still puzzled by this firing, despite the reason given by both parties.
JTG defeated Chavo Guerrero on Smackdown. He was still employed by World Wrestling Entertainment.
August 13th 2012
Exactly one week ago, JTG had embarked on an insane and grammatically interesting Twitter rant directed at his employers, where he stated he'd had enough of his poor treatment. Most people in his position would have been fired after posting such remarks. For those who are interested, here is the entire rant in all its glory:
"The camels back just BROKE ! I had enought of this ... As a pro athlete,Im tired of me and my lockerroom brothers being taken advantage of . Fans have no idea what we go through.#itsanillusion ... Yea I said it ... Nobody wants to speak up, everybodys afraid of losing their job or getting taken off TV."
JTG was defeated by Ryback on RAW. It was first appearance on WWE's main show in nearly a month. He was still employed by World Wrestling Entertainment.
September 16th 2013
Five days ago it was announced that long term WWE announcer Jim Ross had retired. Ross was the lead announcer during the Attitude Era, one of WWE's most successful periods. Ross was loved by the fans and his popularity lead many to consider him as one of the greatest announcers of all time. It was widely rumoured that WWE had forced Ross to retire after a minor incident involving Ric Flair at a company event, effectively firing the living legend.
JTG was defeated by Santino Marella on Superstars. It was his seventh televised match of 2013. He was still employed by World Wrestling Entertainment.
April 12th 2018
After years of speculation, extraterrestrial life was finally confirmed after an alien race invaded planet Earth and enslaved mankind. Following a series of negotiations with some of the most prominent political figures in the world, the alien beings decided that earth was too much of a threat to their society, and, using advanced technology that was light-years ahead of anything humans had created, promptly blew up the planet earth, completely obliterating all forms of life in the process.
JTG was defeated by alien life form Neophythus Pathloinkias on Superstars. He was still employed by World Wrestling Entertainment.
July 25th 3072
Fortunately, Earth's destruction wasn't permanent, and, following a discovery of epic proportions involving a variable time space equilibrium and a well placed flux capacitor, human beings from a parallel universe were able to travel back in time, and stop the aliens from ever destroying Earth. Life carried on as normal and the human race went on to continue to make incredible technological advances, with professional wrestling still being a viable entertainment source for many people across the world.
JTG was declared medically dead in 2057. His corpse somehow went on to continue to wrestle for well over a thousand years. He was defeated by Tron McCarthy, a distant descendant of Ric Flair, on Superstars. He was still employed by World Wrestling Entertainment.
I'm telling you, JTG is fucking bullet proof. Since him and his Cryme Tyme partner Shad returned to WWE in 2008, the top brass in Titan Towers have decided that they would rather future endeavour Armando Estrada, Ashley Massaro, Balls Mahoney, Big Daddy V, Cherry, Chuck Palumbo, Domino, Elijah Burke, Kenny Dykstra, Lance Cade, Lena Yada, Nunzio, Paul London, Robbie McAllister, Rory McAllister, Shannon Moore, Stevie Richards, Super Crazy, Torrie Wilson, Trevor Murdoch, The Boogeyman, Candice Michelle, D-Lo Brown, Eugene, Hardcore Holly, Kizarny, Manu, Mr. Kennedy, Ricky Ortiz, Scotty Goldman, Sim Snuka, Brian Kendrick, Umaga, Val Venis, Carlito, Caylen Croft, Charlie Haas, Eric Escobar, Greg Helms, Jamie Keyes, Jillian Hall, Jimmy Wang Yang, Katie Lea, Kaval, Kung Fu Naki, Luke Gallows, Maria, Matt Hardy, Mickie James, Mike Knox, MVP, Paul Burchill, Savannah, Serena, Shad Gaspard, Slam Master J, Shelton Benjamin, Tiffany, Tommy Dreamer, Tony Atlas, Vance Archer, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters, David Hart Smith, Melina, Michael Tarver, Vladimir Kozlov, Kevin Nash, Maxine, Kharma, Abraham Washington, Tyler Reks, Trent Barreta, Derrick Bateman, Sakamoto, Percy Watson and Jim Ross than get rid of JTG.
OK, confession time: I actually quite like JTG. Admittedly he's not great, but he's not terrible either. He's improved quite a bit in the ring since he was wrestling with Shad Gaspard in Cryme Tyme, and I've always found his gimmick to be fairly entertaining. However, even his own mother must be scratching her head as to why this guy still has a job in WWE when so many other arguably better talents have been shown the door before him. Despite my earlier confession, I'll be the first to admit that he's an average worker at best, and it's not like his record in WWE has been spotless either, as proved by last year's Twitter rant I mentioned earlier. So, with that in mind, I ask the question, how in the blue fuck does the guy do it? How does he still have a job in WWE?
5 Possible Reasons For Why JTG Has Managed To Last As Long As Has In WWE
1. He has an unreleased sex tape of a high ranking WWE official
Don't care if your male or female, there's nothing like the fear of the entire world seeing your naked ass going up and down over and over again to force you into keeping JTG gainfully employed. Perhaps The Neighborhoodie even has something really scandalous in his possession, like Linda McMahon receiving oral sex from Triple H, or Vince McMahon receiving oral sex from Triple H. Whatever it could be, you know it's going to be juicy enough to warrant keeping him around for all this time.
2. He's made a phenomenal scientific discovery and won't reveal it if he ever gets fired from WWE.
It could be a cure for cancer, it could be the definitive explanation of how our solar system was formed, or it could be the identity of the alien race who destroyed the planet in paragraph seven. One thing's for sure though, JTG isn't going to reveal it until he's retired from wrestling for good, and if he gets fired before he's good and ready to hang up his boots, then he'll be taking that secret to the grave with him. Therefore, WWE, under direct orders from the US Government, have signed JTG to an iron clad contract that expires whenever he wants it to. No that's not Big Show iron clad where you can still get fired, that's JTG iron clad, motherfucker.
3. He has a really really good friend in a really really high place.
I came up with unreleased sex tape and amazing scientific discovery before I came up with good friends with a high ranking official. OK then. I guess he wouldn't be the first guy to keep his job for way longer than he was ever supposed to thanks to friends in high places...
4. WWE sees something in him that no one else does.
Perhaps the reason why JTG has been in WWE for so long is down to some amazing untapped potential that WWE hasn't explored yet. Perhaps this man has the potential ability to wrestle like Daniel Bryan, talk like Hulk Hogan, electrify like The Rock, entertain like Steve Austin and be a cunt like Tammy Sytch. Perhaps we're witnessing the most amazing slow burn in WWE history, where after losing once a month on Superstars, JTG goes on to lose twice a month on Superstars, and then three times a month on Superstars, and then every week on RAW, and then he starts to win, and by the time we get to 2023 and JTG's racked up a total of 1,000 wins and 235,220 losses, he finally wins the WWE Title and goes on to be the top guy for like six years or something. Perhaps WWE are just waiting on the right storyline to unleash this incredible man on the WWE Universe, and why not? It wouldn't be the first time someone's been pushed with no one being able to work out why...
5. (Most Likely) They keep forgetting he's still there.
“Right, Curtis Axel lost last week, so we need someone to job to him tonight so we can keep him looking strong. Who we got?”
“Well there's Ryder, Hawkins, Tatsu, or one of the local guys. Oh, and JTG's available.”
“JTG? I thought I told you to release that little shit in 2010. The fuck is he still doing here?”
“It's on my list of things to do alright! I just haven't got round to it yet.”
“Alright, job him out for this last match then kick his ass out the door.”
“Good. Now... Worship my bum.”
It's quite possible that JTG is so insignificant that everyone simply keeps forgetting that he still works for the company. Kind of like Milton Waddams in Office Space. Every now and then he crops up when they remember he's still employed, but, for the most part, his salary remains an unexplained company loss every month. Perhaps they put it down to the price of staples increasing or something. The fact remains that JTG remaining employed with WWE to this very day, or at least at the time of writing, as he's one of those guys who could be future endeavoured at any minute, is an achievement that's up there with the guy that invented Penicillin, or the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong, or the guy that busted his brother Lance Armstrong, or the guy that invented their brother Stretch...
With that in mind, I leave you all with this thought: In the four and a half years that I've been writing wrestling columns, I've covered many topics, from my Paul Burchill fandom, to my Lillian Garcia fandom, to wrestling's greatest mullets, to not feeding pandas, to Dolph Ziggler getting pissed off with his WWE treatment and terrorising Titan Towers with his new half wrestler half lion hybrid “Lion Mike Tyson Kidd.”, to a wrestling future where Dave Batista is the biggest drawing wrestler of all time. However, despite all the variation in my chosen subject matter throughout the years, this column, somewhat unfortunately, is the second ever column that I've written about JTG.