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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Hell in a Cell Predictions Using PS3
By Freeman
Oct 24, 2013 - 3:25:39 PM

*WARNING!* This column contains Smackdown spoilers for this coming Friday night. So yeah, don't read if you don't like spoilers. Or dick jokes.

It's three weeks since my last predictions column, so that must mean it's time for yet another WWE Pay Per View. Hell in a Cell is this Sunday ladies and gents, therefore the time has come to consult the oracle known as my PS3 to find out what the little black Japanese box thinks is going to happen at this Sunday's event. For those of you who haven't seen me do this before, let me explain what the hell is going on. I took each match that's going to take place at this Sunday's Hell in a Cell Pay Per View at the current time of writing, and simulated them in the “WWE 13” video game which I have on PS3. The difficulty is set to “legend” and the PS3 took control of the characters, while I sat back and watched the action unfold to see what my PS3 thinks is going to happen at this Sunday's Pay Per View. I shall describe what transcribed in the virtual match, and I'll be adding my own predictions at the end of each contest as well. But enough of my yapping, let's get things started with the return of the IWC Wrestler Of The Decade, John Cena.

John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Championship)

John Cena was out first followed by Alberto Del Rio. I thought Cena's arm looked in remarkable condition considering the type of surgery he's just had. The World Heavyweight Title was held aloft by the ref and the match began.

Right from the start, Cena reversed a few early Del Rio right hand attempt into a belly to belly suplex. Cena was on top for a little while but Del Rio soon got back in it. Shoulder knock down from Cena. Clothesline. Armbar. Fuck it's like his arm was never hurt in the first place. Clothesline. Headlock. Ripped arm out of socket began beating Del Rio over the head with it and glued it back in again. Shit, guess his arm really is okay.

Del Rio, to his credit, did try to focus his attack on Cena's arm, but John was having none of it. Del Rio then got Cena in a headlock, but it looked like he was sniffing his armpit like a gay hippie. Halfway through my mum rang and we argued because she seems to think I don't finish normal sentences the way they are supposed to be animal porn. Del Rio whipped Cena into the ring post and battered the fuck out of his arm. Nice. Cena was feeling it now. It must have been really difficult for Cena to not be able to use his left hand for a while following his injury. I for one would certainly miss that “oh yeah, there's a stranger in the tub” quality that the left hand gives you. Eventually, things spilled to the outside where the two men took turns whipping each other into the barricade for about 48 minutes. Riveting stuff. When is WWE 2K14 coming out again? Del Rio then Batista Bombed Cena on the outside. Del Rio's next move was to attempt a Samoan drop, which Cena reversed into a DDT on to the hard floor. Now that's what I'm talking about!

Back in the ring, and Cena performed a snapmare on Del Rio, which caused the Mexican Aristocrat to bleed profusely from his head. Yes, that well know barbaric blood inducing move, the snapmare. The action quickly spilled back out of the ring, where Cena whipped Del Rio into the barricade and speared him straight though it. At a count of six, Cena ran back in the ring with Del Rio unable to answer the ref's count of ten. Cena wins by countout. Fucking idiot.

PS3 says: John Cena wins by countout, therefore, still World Heavyweight Champion, Alberto Del Rio. Ridiculous.

Freeman says: I'll be the first to admit that I've had my doubts that Cena has fully recovered from such a serious injury in a short space of time. However, reading reports recently about it not being as bad as people first thought, I'm pretty convinced that Cena is indeed coming back full time as of this Sunday. Therefore, I reckon WWE gives Cena the win here. It feels about the right time for Del Rio to drop the World Heavyweight Championship after a pretty decent run, and Cena as World Heavyweight Champion could drive the RAW ratings up significantly. However, if Cena isn't quite ready to come back full time, then I wouldn't rule out a Cena victory followed immediately by a Damien Sandow cash in after Del Rio wrecks Cena's arm.

Brie Bella vs AJ Lee (Divas Championship)

Ah AJ. That girl is so fine she causes me spontaneously burst into random bouts of poetry...

I dined with the AJ of Lee
Who said “do you fart when you pee?”
I said with some wit
“Do you belch when you shit?”
And felt it was one up to me.

I like AJ. I also like Brie Bella. But you know who I like better? Kaitlyn. That chick is hotter than sunburn, and I'm more of a titty man anyway. As for the match, eventually, after a few high impact moves and a couple of erections, Brie hit X-Pac's finisher and won the match. Fuck me Brie, what's next, a sex tape with Chyna?

PS3 says: Winner and new Diva's Champion: Brie Bella

Freeman says: I keep seeing rumours of a possible Bella Twins split, so bugger it, I'll keep calling it until it actually happens. AJ retains the title here, but Nikki 'accidentally' costs her sister the match. AJ wins.

PS: Dear Kaitlyn,

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm not very good at poetry
So nice tits.

The Usos vs. Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust (Triple Threat Tag Team Match for the Tag Team Championship)

Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a triple threat tag match in this game so thanks for fucking up my column WWE you insensitive pricks Goldust, Roman Reigns and Jimmy Uso were got too busy eating cheeseburgers and comparing penis sizes before the match, meaning they won't be taking part in this contest, thus reducing it to just a standard triple threat match between Cody Rhodes, Jey Uso and Seth Rollins instead.

So yeah, the Usos then. Been heavily involved in this feud between the Rhodes boys and The Shield since the beginning, really makes sense them being in this match. Also really makes sense that The Shield had to fight the Usos for a shot at the Tag Titles, rather than be like every other former champion in history and get an automatic rematch for the championships. Yeah.

To be honest, the actual match was pretty shit and not a lot really happened, so I ordered a pizza half way through. Domino's Pizza lets you choose from a number of different toppings to suit even the fussiest of eaters, so there's always something for everyone. What's even better is that, on Tuesday, it's always buy one get one free, so you can get two pizzas for the price of one and treat the whole family, all fresh and delivered to your door within thirty minutes. Domino's Pizza: No wonder this country is so fucking fat. After a while, Cody Rhodes hit MVP Jey Uso with Cross-Rhodes as Rollins lay motionless on the outside for the win.

PS3 says: Cody Rhodes & Goldust wins.

Freeman says: Rhodes & Goldie have been sublime recently, but I have a feeling WWE might just switch the back onto The Shield to keep the feud going until Survivor Series. It's just a funny feeling that I have. No I'm not currently touching myself... Much.


Los Matadores vs. Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro

I couldn't be bothered to download CAWs of the Colon cousins' new Los Matadores gimmick, so I just used the stock Epico and Primo characters that are already in the game. Made sense really, because, like masturbating to a Victoria's Secret catalogue; it's not particularly exciting, but it gets the job done.

Shit, I hope I didn't ruin anyone's Christmas with this epic match announcement, sorry everybody. In fairness, I'm actually quite enjoying the Los Matadores gimmick at the moment, but I think that's got more to do with my Primo fandom than anything else. Seriously, that dude is such a good worker and is criminally underrated. Hmm, I sense a future column on this subject somewhere down the line. Or I'll probably just write about poo again. Anyway, after I so totally paid attention to this match and so did not try to find Vickie Guerrero nudes online, Primo rolled up Jack Swagger and got the victory.

PS3 says: Los Matadores win.

Freeman says: Los Matadores win. I could see a feud with either the Wyatt Family or The Shield in the future for Primo and Epico if the gimmick catches on.

CM Punk vs Ryback & Paul Heyman (Handicap Hell In A Cell Match)

I feel bad for Punk, I really do. Last time he competed against Paul Heyman on my PS3, he got his ass handed to him, as his former manager went into beast mode and beat the fuck out of him for ten minutes. This time, he's got to go up against him inside Hell In A Cell, so there's no telling what kind of limits Paul Heyman's brutality will stretch to.

Match started out with a swinging neckbreaker from Heyman to Punk. I could already tell this was going to be hilarious. This was confirmed when, after some pointless Ryback offence, Heyman climbed to the top rope and dropped the diving axe handle elbow on Punk Bret Hart style. Punk then got up and nailed Heyman with a DDT. Oh fuck off Punk, and stop ruining my fun you dumb beaver. Punk and Ryback then went at it for a bit but I didn't care because it wasn't very funny. Eventually, Heyman came at Punk and scored a devastating jaw breaker, only for Punk to get up and dish out some punishment of his own on Paul E. As Heyman was laying motionless in the corner, Ryback attempted to stop Punk's heinous assault on the great Heyman, but got caught with an Anaconda Vice. However, Heyman, being the true warrior he is, soon got to his feet and broke the hold before Ryback could tap. With Ryback briefly incapacitated, Punk resumed his uncalled for assault on Heyman, with the former ECW owner absorbing unheard of levels of punishment. Heyman, to his credit, just would not quit, and with the heart of a true lion, eventually exploded in a white hot rage and nailed Punk with a DDT of such magnitude that it caused the Chicago made cunt to bleed like a stuck pig. However, Punk got back up, kicked Heyman in the head and knocked him out, but walked right into Shell Shocked from Ryback and got pinned for the one two three. Oh, I was hoping for more of Heyman's ridiculous antics, but to be honest Punk was never going to last long against these two beasts.

PS3 says: Ryback and Paul Heyman win.

Freeman says: There is an argument for Ryback winning here to keep him strong for a possible Wrestlemania match with either Goldberg or The Undertaker. However, even if he takes the loss here, there's still time to build him up for said match. With that in mind, something about this feud just feels like CM Punk should get the win here whilst dishing out a sound beating to Heyman in the process, providing the feud with some finality. Ryback will go on to feud with Big E Carlton Bankston, while Punk will probably move on to a feud with Triple H and Stephanie's authority.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (Hell In A Cell Match for the Vacant WWE Championship with Shawn Michaels as Special Guest Referee and Michael Cole on Commentary and Fit Finlay as Road Agent and Dave the Hotdog guy Selling Snacks)

Special referee Shawn Michaels was out first followed by Daniel Bryan and finally Randy Orton. The WWE Title, which is in a state of quiescence, was held up and this one was underway. See WWE, you're not the only smart fuckers with the big ass vocabulary round here. Now, after just buying a thesaurus from my local book shop, I'm ready to take it house and continue reading it.

Bryan started this match like a man possessed, with Orton unable to get any offence in whatsoever. After absorbing a large amount of punishment from the American Dragon, the Viper dropped to the outside to break things up a little. It's like a fucking zoo in here. Oh, and hey Randy, there aren't any lady's handbags out there dude; get back in the ring.

Back inside, and Orton continued to get his ass handed to him by Bryan. Orton did get the odd clothesline in here and there, but Bryan was absolutely destroying him with his amazing offence and bearded face. Danielson then hit a back suplex and went for the cover, with Michaels counting a very fast two count. Interesting. Eventually, Bryan scored the Yes kicks on Orton and promptly followed it up with the Yes Lock, but Randy just stood up and pushed Bryan away. Well, that was anti climatic, nice no sell Orton you cum bubble. However, Bryan was undeterred, and quickly nailed a rolling fireman's carry and went for the cover, with Michaels counting to three quicker than it takes me to knock one out to Chloe Bennet. Michaels screwed Orton! It's fucking Montreal all over again!

Oh, and by the way, don't let the HBK shenanigans fool you. This brutal Hell in a Cell match was about three minutes in total, contained no cell action whatsoever, was won with a fucking rolling fireman's carry and was probably booked by Walt Disney.

When does WWE 2K14 come out again?

PS3 says: Daniel Bryan wins. Michaels screwed Orton with a fast count. Well, I didn't see that coming.

Freeman says: Tricky one. On the one hand, you've got Bryan, who surely must be at the point where WWE can pull the trigger on a legit title run for the guy. However, on the other hand, you've got Orton, who hasn't actually scored a victory over Bryan on Pay Per View since this feud began. Michaels is also guaranteed to be a factor. Decisions, decisions. Fuck it, I'm going to go with a Randy Orton win, with Michaels doing what's best for business and screwing Bryan out of the title.

So to recap; Daniel Bryan's winning the WWE Title, Brie Bella is winning the Divas Title, John Cena's biggest obstacle is forgetting he's in a title match and Paul Heyman is still a boss. Oh yeah, and in case you were wondering, Big E Langston defeated Curtis Axel in the pre show match to win the Intercontinental Title. As for the show itself, I reckon it's going to be pretty decent. Alberto Del Rio seems incapable of having a bad match these days and should put on a decent show with Cena, Orton vs Bryan could be a Match of the Year candidate and CM Punk vs Heyman and Ryback should be fun. All in all, it should be solid showand worth a watch, so I'll definitely be giving it a look come this Sunday. Or I might get distracted when I contemplate selling my PS3 and all my games after running into a bit of financial hardship recently, meaning that Survivor Series Predictions using WCW/NWO Revenge on the N64 next month is a distinct possibility. It really is.

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