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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Elimination Chamber Predictions Using PS3
By Freeman
Feb 21, 2014 - 7:02:39 PM

So I'm sat around picking my bum watching RAW the other night, when it suddenly dawned on me that Elimination Chamber is this Sunday, so that means that not only does WWE have to think hard to come up with a more politically correct name for the Pay Per View to avoid offending people in Germany, but it's also time to fire up the PS3 and start the ridiculousness known as Predictions Using PS3. For those of you new to the party, here's how it works: I take each match that, at the current time of writing, is scheduled to take place at Elimination Chamber this Sunday, and simulate them in my “WWE 2K14” video game, which I have on PS3. I set the computer to take control of the characters, with the difficulty on “Legend”, as I sit back and consider the possibility that this isn't normal behaviour for a grown man in his twenties describe the action. My account of the events is below, and I'll be offering up my own predictions as well. Right, I guess it's time to jump straight in with a dream match scenario of...

Batista vs Alberto Del Rio

So here we go with this much anticipated encounter between IWC favourites Alberto Del Rio and Batista. Del Rio is out first to a Ricardo Rodriguez introduction. So glad I paid all that money for a game that is bang up to date. The Animal is out next and this match can begin...

Batista starts things off with an elbow to the face of Del Rio, then follows it up with a running double axe handle. Since when has he ever done that? So glad I paid all that money for a game that is such a stickler for detail. Del Rio soon takes control with a snap suplex and an Irish whip into the corner, which results in him driving The Animal's shoulder into the ring post. Mudhole stomps in the corner from Del Rio. Would've been great if he'd have ended it with two middle fingers in the face, Stone Cold style. Alberto then whips Big Dave to the apron, and proceeds to suplex him straight back in the ring. No wasted movement from Del Rio here; everything is so clearly and concisely planned out in advance. Batista starts to make a comeback with multiple kicks to the gut. Careful there Dave, apparently Del Rio eats a lot of spicy food...

Right hands from Batista. More right hands from Batista. Even more right hands from Batista. The Animal showing absolutely no signs of ring rust here. Belly to belly suplex from Del Rio followed by a back suplex. Ladies and gentlemen, your special guest road agent for this match: Kurt Angle. Del Rio with a big kick to the head of Batista. Hey JBL, did you know that's the kick that won Del Rio the championship? Del Rio goes for a clothesline but Batista countered it into that spinning side slam thing he does. Nice. Del Rio gets up and goes for another clothesline, but Batista counters it into the exact same move again. The Animal showing absolutely no signs of ring rust here. Backbreaker from Batista. Whip into the corner. Cover, one count. Drop toe hold from Del Rio, a move so painful that it causes Batista to drop to the outside for a breather. Dave starts prepping the announce table for some shenanigans, but that crafty bugger Del Rio sneaks up behind him and whips Batista onto the table instead, and proceeds to do absolutely nothing. Classic wrestling psychology from Del Rio there; make sure your opponent always has enough time in the match for a quick power nap. Batista gets up and both men get back in the ring, where Dave immediately clotheslines the fuck out of Del Rio and gets a two count. Upon Alberto getting to his feet, Batista kicks him in the gut and scores the Batista bomb for the one two three.

PS3 says: Batista wins.

Freeman says: Batista wins, no brainer. Although it would be HIL-ARIOUS if Del Rio got the win here, you can't have Batista win the Royal Rumble to the collective delight of the internet and then go on to lose to Mexico's Most Irrelevant Export in the build up to him main eventing Wrestlemania, however funny it would be.

Darren Young vs Titus O'Neil


PS3 says: Darren Young wins.

Freeman says: CM Punk! CM Punk! CM Punk!... is a fairly safe prediction for how the crowd will react when this match is playing out in front of them. As for the winner, well, Titus O'Neil looks more like the tag team break out star who will be pushed for three weeks and then forgotten about for the rest of his career, so I guess I'll go for him.

Big E vs Jack Swagger (Intercontinental Championship)

I think I might take a page out of Big E's book and drop my last name and replace it with a letter. Also, what the fuck does the E stand for anyway? Anyone? No? Well, with that in mind, allow me to present to you...

What The Fuck Does The E Stand For Anyway?

1. Ears?
2. Eyes?
3. Erection?
4. Electrical sale?
5. Erection?
6. European Festivals?
7. Ejaculation sorry baby I didn't mean to get it in your eye again?
8. Electric cat?
9. Erection?
10. Empty space?
11. Energy saving lightbulbs?
12. Erection?

Swagger starts off with a kick to Big E's gut. Big E looks like Mr T in this game. Irish whip from 'E, who goes for a clothesline but Swagger ducks it into a belly to back suplex. Nice. Spinning fisherman suplex from Swagger. Swagger's hair is so gay in this game. Lou Thez press from Big E. Huh? Torture rack from Lex Langston. Big E then body slams Swagger against the ropes. Now that's just mean. Swagger with a drop toe hold, followed by some shots to the back. Swagger then does that thing where he starts doing press ups over his downed opponent but it looks like he's dry humping him. Big E overcomes Swagger's sexual assault with a bear hug. Will swagger tap? Will he be arrested immediately following the conclusion of this match? Could this match get any more gay? Find out after this message from our sponsors.

No, Swagger did not tap out to the bear hug. Running belly to belly from Big E. Suplex followed by a leg drop from Swagger. Swagger starts dry humping Big E again. Please stop doing that Swagger, you're making me feel uncomfortable. Big E gets to his feet and hits the Big Ending but Swagger kicks out at two. Oh the drama. Atomic jaw breaker from Langston for the near fall. Swagger with a clothesline, which prompts him to start signalling for the Gut Wrench Powerbomb, and, low and behold, Swagger hits the Gut Wrench Powerbomb. Cover, but a kick out at two and half from Big E. It's like The Rock vs Cena from Wrestlemania 29. Big E then scores a huge belly to belly suplex and gets the win. Wait, what? A belly to belly suplex? What the fuck was that, a Shane Douglas match? What a shit ending.

PS3 says: Big E wins.

Freeman says: I can't see Jack Swagger winning here. Big E isn't quite ready for his big push just yet, and going into Wrestlemania as Intercontinental Champion feels about right for him at this moment in time, so I say Big E retains.

The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan) vs The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns)

The Shield are out first and their entrance on this game is nearly as cool as their real life efforts. The Wyatt Family made their own separate entrances next, not because they're CAWs, but because they fell out after an argument over who has the prettiest looking ball bag. Reigns and Wyatt square up to each other and here we go!

Bray Wyatt starts with a snapmare followed by a running leg drop. That's ok Bray, Hulk Hogan isn't back till next week. Reigns with a kick to the gut. I've just noticed my CAW of Bray Wyatt has a beer gut. Wyatt whips Reigns to the apron, but changes his mind and throws him back again. Reigns starts to come back with some right hands, but pregnant looking Bray backdrops him to the outside and tags out to Luke Harper, which prompts Reigns to tag out to Seth Rollins. Rollins and Harper tie it up, but then they decide not to bother. What thrilling offence. Running float over neck breaker from Rollins, followed by an elbow to the face. Harper and Rollins tie it up one more time, but again they decide not to bother. I guess they're secretly having sex with each other. Harper runs at Rollins but gets caught with a knee to the break followed immediately by a neck breaker combo. Sweet. Rollins whips Harper into corner, scores with a flying elbow to the face and poses for the fans as this match, and possibly the Luke Harper/Seth Rollins secret love affair, continues...

Rollins tags out to Ambrose. Running belly to back from Ambrose. STO from Harper. Harper then tags out to last month's PS3 Royal Rumble winner, Erick Rowan, who charges at Ambrose but gets caught with that same Boss Man side slam that Batista did earlier. Fuck me Ambrose, what's next, a Batista Bomb and a pair of skinny jeans? STO from Rowan, followed by another STO from Rowan. Benoit vs Guerrero this is not. Ambrose tags out to Reigns, who immediately decides he doesn't want to be in this match, whips Rowan into the corner and tags out to Seth Rollins. Both men then bounce Rowan off the ropes and nail him with a simultaneous clothesline and spear combination. Fuck that was cool. Rollins covers but Rowan kicks out at the last second, or, if you're Booker T, two and like, fifteen sixteenths dawg. Rowan with an STO. Erick then tags out to Bray Wyatt who also hits an STO. Is there anyone in this match who doesn't do that move? Rollins tags out to Reigns. Wyatt runs at Reigns but The Shield member throws him up and catches him in mid air with a Samoan drop. Fucking nice. Wyatt then proceeds to get caught with the same spot another three times. This is about as effective as a comedian who keeps repeating the punchline to a joke.

Reigns tags out to Ambrose as Wyatt tags out Harper, who walks straight over to the Shield's corner and allows Rollins to grab his arms so he can get assaulted by Ambrose. Excellent strategy Harper, I'm sure the Shield will think twice before messing with you again. Camel clutch from Ambrose, which prompts everyone to run in and fall over, with Erick Rowan even knocking the ref out with a misplaced clothesline. This match isn't even reaching Bradshaw & Trish Stratus vs Christopher Nowinski & Jackie Gayda standards now. Neckbreaker from Ambrose, who then tags out to Reigns, as Harper gets the hot tag to Wyatt. Bray runs in and gets caught with Reigns' press into a Samoan drop which the silly cunt so has not been caught with about 57 times already. Bray gets to his feet, but Reigns locks in a bearhug, which eventually causes the Wyatt Family leader to tap out.

PS3 says: The Shield wins.

Freeman says: I could actually see a swerve with The Shield winning here, with WWE prolonging their break up angle a little while longer. However, my gut tells me that The Wyatts will get the win and continue to look strong, with The Shield dicking about and breaking up to set up a match between the three at Wrestlemania.

The Usos vs The New Age Outlaws (Tag Team Championship)

So thanks to WWE 2K14, I had to go and download every single participant in this match as a CAW because they haven't been included in the game. Fantastic decision that right there; let's not include one of WWE's most popular and over tag teams in the Usos, in favour of wrestlers such as David Otunga, Justin Gabriel and Tensai, who I'm not sure are even still alive.

I would provide a play by play for this match, but halfway through, I forgot which Uso was which, and it got confusing. Hey, they are twins and look quite similar and all, so give me a break. In fact, I'm pretty sure whoever made the CAWs just made a copy of Jimmy and changed said copy's name to Jey. I know I would. Not like my CAW of Road Dogg though, who was wearing Brock Lesnar style MMA shorts. Nice to see the guys making these are trying to recreate the wrestlers as authentically as possible. Billy Gunn looked pretty good though. In fact, it was Gunn, who once did a cover of Cameo's “Word Up” by the way, who hit the Fame-Ass-er on one of the Uso douches and got the win.

Speaking of twins, I bet not many of you know this, but I also have an identical twin brother. We're really close. In fact, so close that we often finish each other's sentences. Which is nice, as he's now serving 15 years for that armed robbery I committed.

PS3 says: The New Age Outlaws win.

Freeman says: Tricky. The Usos will eventually win the tag titles, but the question is when. A few people round here are predicting an Usos win at Wrestlemania, meaning the Outlaws will retain here. However, I really could see WWE pulling the trigger here and have the Usos go into 'Mania as tag champs. After a quick eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I decided to watch “Weapons of Ass Destruction” tonight instead of “Dawson's Crack.” As for the match outcome, I'll play safe and say the Outlaws retain here, with the Usos getting their Wrestlemania moment.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Cesaro vs. Christian (Elimination Chamber match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

No entrances here so I guess this is a jobber match. John Cena and Christian start things off. Clothesline from Cena, who follows it up with a suplex and a drop toe hold, which looks as strange as it reads. Christian whips John into the corner and connects with a running drop kick. The clock has started counting down already. What the fuck? We're only about a minute into this thing. Christian with a flapjack to Cena, no, not the move, but the tasty oat based pudding. The clock hits zero and motherfucking WWE World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton enters the match. Orton immediately gets involved in the action, with him and Christian hitting a double RKO on Cena. Nice. Christian's strange alliance with Randall is short lived however, as The Viper and Cena punish Captain Charisma with a double suplex. Orton and Cena continue assaulting Christian as the next entrant, Sheamus inserts himself into the match and goes right after Cena. The action is starting to become a little hard to follow. No, not because there's two things going at once, but because I've started watching hardcore pornography. Hello Sasha Grey...

Cena thumps the mat and starts the five moves of doom on Sheamus, and, as he connects with the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cesaro is revealed to be the next participant in this match. Cesaro, who dropped his first name recently because WWE thought it sounded like the waiter who served you cocktails and chatted up your wife during a recent holiday to Italy, went right after Orton and Christian as Sheamus counters a John Cena AA attempt into a DDT, then followed up with an ABC. Sheamus and Orton start double teaming Cesaro as the final participant, Daniel Bryan, enters the match. Bryan starts fighting Orton, Sheamus goes after Cesaro and Cena starts squaring off with Christian. Let the clusterfuck begin.

Christian hits the Killswitch on Cena, which busts open the Doctor of Thuganomics. Captain Charisma goes for a cover but Cena kicks out at two. As that was going on, Orton hits Bryan with the RKO but Bryan kicks out at two. Clusterfuck, clusterfuck, clusterfuck. Eventually, Christian locks in a sleeper hold on Cena, who taps out and is eliminated. This game is so realistic sometimes. Orton and Cesaro are locked in a battle of trying to counter each other's pinning attempts at the bottom of the screen, and end up scoring about 49 near falls between them. Eventually, a three-way between Sheamus, Orton and Bryan breaks out, and then a fight between Sheamus, Orton and Bryan breaks out. Christian hits the Killswitch on Cesaro and gets the three count. Cesaro is eliminated. Just as Christian was getting up, he immediately walked right into a Yes Lock from Daniel Bryan and tapped out. Christian is eliminated. We're now down to Orton, Sheamus and Bryan. Bryan and Sheamus decide it's a good idea to team up and hit a double back breaker on Orton, followed by a double suplex. How much more can Orton take?

Sheamus with the cover, but Randy kicks out at two. Orton hits a backbreaker on Bryan and does his methodical stomp thing, causing Bryan to bleed from the head. Orton then goes for the cover and eliminates Bryan as the internet goes into meltdown. We're now down to Sheamus and Orton. Belly to back suplex from Sheamus, followed by a belly to belly suplex. Lot of belly action from Sheamus here, the big gay ginge. Thez press from Orton who goes for the cover but Sheamus kicks out at two. Sheamus with a bearhug which has easily become one of the most popular moves in WWE tonight, just behind the STO, the suplex, and gayness. Orton counters the submission attempt into a DDT. As Sheamus lays motionless, The Viper begins to pound the mat, and upon getting to his feet, The Celtic Warrior walks right into an RKO, leaving Orton to go for the cover and get the victory. Elimination Chamber goes off the air with Orton celebrating the successful defence of his title.

PS3 says: Fucking hell this must be predictable, even the PS3 thinks Orton's going to win here. Also, according to last month's PS3 results, Erick Rowan will now be facing Randy Orton in the main event of Wrestlemania.

Freeman says: Randall Keith Orton has been booked like absolute shit on a stick in recent weeks, so WWE booking 101 dictates that he'll be walking out the winner here. As for possible swerves, Daniel Bryan has a small chance of pulling off the upset and making it a triple threat at 'Mania, however the safe money is on Orton.

So there it is, not too many off the wall predictions from the PS3 this time round, and it even had Orton retaining against all odds inside the Chamber, so there's probably not much point in watching the PPV this Sunday then. Oh, and if anyone's interested, the pre show match of Curtis Axel & Ryback vs Cody Rhodes & Goldust didn't happen because I couldn't be fucked a group of Japanese Sea Lions infiltrated the arena and caused a massive power outage after chewing through the main cables. As for the show itself, apart from The Shield vs The Wyatts, which should be fun, and the actual Elimination Chamber match, I've got to admit, I'm feeling a little underwhelmed by the card. Batista vs Alberto Del Rio isn't exactly a dream match for me, and the piss break usually reserved for the Divas match has been replaced by a piss break for the Darren Young/Titus O'Neil match. Furthermore, the match outcomes are a little predictable, although now I've said that you can expect a massive swerve and I'll get every result wrong. In fact, I would much rather WWE did away with this Pay Per View and just spent the time from Royal Rumble building up to Wrestlemania, but they won't, so it is what it is I guess. So yeah, I probably won't be watching. Instead, I'll be trying to decide between “I Know Who You Did Last Summer”, “Ally McFeel” and “Pokeahotass.” Lord have mercy.


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