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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Buff Bagwell Was So Right To Criticise CM Punk
By Freeman
Mar 12, 2014 - 12:37:05 PM

March 11th, 2014

It was Tuesday lunchtime and Buff Bagwell was taking a break from whacking off to amateur hairy lesbians browsing the web. He was searching for news on the interview he'd given to The Shoot the other day, where he talked about John Cena and TNA among other things, but it was his comments on CM Punk, particularly when he had said that the Straight Edge Superstar was too small to be taken seriously as a World Champion, that got the readers of various wrestling news websites all worked up.

As Buff admired the way Veronica was sensually tonguing Esther's bushy muff read through the comments, he couldn't see why people were annoyed at him. Because apart from a couple of flukey World Titles and some interesting hairstyles, CM Punk hadn't really done anything of note in wrestling. Buff, on the other hand, is a former six time WCW World Tag Team Champion, which he felt was an achievement worthy enough to criticise CM Punk's legitimacy as a main event player in WWE. Buff also felt that the one match he had in WWE, which WWE fired him for straight afterwards, because said match was so good that there was no way the other wrestlers could ever live up to it, also gave enough merit to his words. However, in a moment of rare self doubt, Buff remembered that he'd never won the World Heavyweight Title in WCW, so maybe that's why people were getting upset. Steve McMichael won the United States Title once though. And Buff's friends David Arquette and Vince Russo were former World Heavyweight Champions. Why did WCW go out of business again? Anyway, Buff soon reminded himself of his glittering career in the wrestling business, and those annoying pangs of self doubt soon went away.

With the comments section of the news story growing more and more hurtful by the minute, Buff happened to read one user's comment which said that, as a male escort who charged 800 dollars for two hours, Buff wasn't qualified to share his opinions on professional wrestling. Buff wanted to point out that at least he was getting paid to do something these days, unlike CM Punk, who has to fill his days filling that skank A.J Lee, but he thought better of it. Actually, if he was really being honest with himself, Buff did feel a bit sorry for Punk. Here was Buff, living the dream and getting the opportunity to moisten his penis in some high quality, if slightly surgically repaired, middle aged snatch on a daily basis, whereas Phil had to slum it with plain old A.J. Buff, feeling like he'd truly made it in life, felt he had every right to point out the shortcomings in CM Punk's career, and decided to try and not let the mean people on the internet hurt his feelings.

Although Buff could accept the negative comments on his new chosen profession, it was the brutal assessment of his wrestling ability which hurt the most. As he continued to read, he found that most people were praising CM Punk for putting on classic matches with the likes of John Cena, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, whilst lambasting Buff for not being worthy to lace Punk's boots as a wrestler. Buff was outraged, as he was a great ring technician in his own right. Had they forgotten about all the match of the year candidates he put on with La Parka, Stevie Ray and David Flair whilst he was in WCW? Buff also remembered that he'd watched Bryan Danielson vs Nigel McGuiness seven times on DVD last year, so he thought that only affirmed his status as a legendary technical wrestler. In fact, not only was Buff a better wrestler than CM Punk, he was also more innovative as a performer. Whilst relentlessly Googling his own name for the 47th time that week, Buff happened to stumble across an interview with his former tag team partner 2 Cold Scorpio, where he discussed all the innovative moves that Buff invented:

“Every move that we came up with, I invented. Bagwell, he ain't come up with shit.”

In fact, it was the respect and true friendship Buff had from his peers that really made him feel right in criticising CM Punk, a man who, during his whole time in the wrestling business, had made no friends. Not like Buff though, who'd made so many friends, and was held in such high regard by everyone in the industry, that no one actually had a bad word to say about him. As he continued to watch that 2 Cold Scorpio interview on YouTube, he felt nothing but warmth and admiration emanating from one of the most articulate speakers in the business:

“The problem I've got with Bagwell is, me and him fell out over in Europe. Right, I was over there with the young lady that I'm with now right. I'm over there man I'm knockin' these boots man, I'm chilling my girl and shit, she's screamin', hootin' and hollerin' all night long right. Bagwell, his old lady next door they fussin', they fightin' and shit, Bagwell givin' her you know, the little five minute, little six minute fuckers you know, he can't fuck right. I'm over doing that two hour run thang and shit, you know what I'm sayin, aaalll night you know what I'm saying, marathons.”

Listening back to 2 Cold Scorpio's interview, it was clear to Buff that when he inevitably gets inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame, 2 Cold should be the man to do his induction. A man full or such eloquence and passion, and with such command over the English language, he'd be sure to have everyone in tears with his beautiful speech.

Buff did try to stop himself from reading any more, but the comments just kept flooding in, and he'd only just passed Basic Literacy For Adults last week and was keen to try out his new skill. People were now well and truly annoyed at Buff's comments about CM Punk, complaining about his shoot interview in their hundreds. Buff was brushing it all off and taking everything in his stride, however, the last straw came when one reader pointed out that size isn't everything in the wrestling business. “Are these people fucking high?” He found himself saying aloud. It was a ridiculous comment for sure, since Buff was always certain that no one ever took the smaller guys seriously. In fact, given the choice between having to fight a pint sized warrior like current UFC Flyweight Champion Demetrious Johnson, or a much larger man like Jason Segel, star of “How I Met Your Mother” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, for example, people would be unanimous in choosing Demetrious Johnson as their opponent. Buff then remembered that someone once told him that Jason Segel and Vince Vaughn are actually the same person, but he didn't believe it, because he was sure Vince Vaughn was once the lead singer in the hard rock band Tyketto. But that was besides the point, because Buff knew he was right about CM Punk. Buff had built a legendary wrestling career and then transitioned into being a highly successful gigolo based on his sheer size alone, and even though he hated repeatedly tooting his own horn, he was a former six time WCW World Tag Team Champion for fucksake. What the fuck had that midget CM Punk ever done in his life? Apart from massacre his body with crappy tattoos, he thought to himself. While he was on the subject of CM Punk's ink, he couldn't help but...


“Buff, it's me, Horatio, from the agency.”

“Oh hey man, what's up? Got any more lucky ladies lined up to sample Buff's stuff?”

“You betcha homie, we had a request for your exemplerary services come in this morning from an... interesting client, to say the least.”

“Oh really? What's the catch then?”

“Well... Look man, her name's Janice, and before you say anything, she's really nice and doesn't have a bad bone in her body, and all she wants is a special guy to spend some time with.”


“She doesn't have any ears.”


“Look, don't fucking say anything. It's a super rare condition that she was born with, she can't help it, and, to top it off, she's paying us a metric fuck tonne of money. Don't point at them, don't mention it to anyone and, basically, don't fuck it up. She's so self consious that the slightest bit of weirdness on your part will scare her off, meaning we lose out on a big pay day. Capiche?”

“Fuck man, you don't have to tell me. I'm a nice guy, and all I want to do is make the women of this world happy. So what if she doesn't have any ears? No one's perfect, and I'm sure she's a lovely person. I'll make sure I make her night really special, and leave her with some wonderful memories that she'll cherish for the rest of her life. And that, my friend, is why I'm the best damn male gigolo this fine universe has ever seen.”

“You the man.”

“One question though.”


“Can she see alright?”


“Can she see alright?”

“Yeah, well, I guess so. I'm pretty sure she has 20/20 vision. Why?”

“Because she'd be well fucked if she needed glasses...”

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