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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Battleground Predictions Using PS3
By Freeman
Oct 4, 2013 - 9:27:45 AM

So I'm sitting watching RAW the other night, when WWE casually drops in the fact that their next Pay Per View, Battleground, is in six days. I nearly shat my pants. I really didn't think WWE would be ridiculous enough to hold a PPV just three weeks after their last one took place, but it is what it is. However, I'm not here to complain, instead it's time once again to break out some Pay Per View predictions with the help of my PS3. For those of you new to the chaos, I take each match that's scheduled to take place at this Sunday's Battleground Pay Per View at the current time of writing, and simulate them in the “WWE 13” video game. I let the computer take control of all characters, with the difficulty on “Legend”, while I sit back and fap to Jayden Jaymes videos describe the action and give the PS3's predictions. I'll also be offering up my own predictions at the end of each match as well. Right, enough bollocks, let's get things started with one of the top feuds in WWE at this current time...

Ryback vs CM Punk

I'm going to assume that Paul Heyman will be accompanying Ryback to the ring for this match, so I went ahead and assigned him as a manager. However, I would much prefer it if Heyman got in the ring and kicked the living shit out of Punk like he did in last month's predictions column, but I guess him providing the homosexual overtones as Ryback's mouthpiece will have to do.

lol, mouthpiece.

This match started at a much faster pace than usual. Perhaps both competitors have been taking some special virtual performance enhancing drugs to give them an extra step, or it could be because I've just updated to firmware 4.50. Whichever, I guess. Ryback set about executing some hard hitting power moves, while Punk began methodically targeting the powerhouse's legs. So far, the match was logical and made sense. I felt worried. And slightly disappointed.

Ryback then started chain wrestling. Looks like everything's back to normal. After that, Ryback hit Punk with a spear in the corner as I half expected a Goldberg chant to break out. Actually, I'm a bit sick of the way fans chant Goldberg at Ryback. I mean, Whoopi's a great singer and all, but I have no idea what she has to do with wrestling. Both men then took the fight to the outside, where 'Back began whipping Punk from one side of the ringside area to the other. I guess he just wanted to see what Punk looks like after some intense cardio. Ryback then hit Shell Shocked on the outside, and ran back in the ring. The ref is up to a count of nine! Ryback's going to win by count out! No, he dropped back to the outside and threw Punk back in the ring. It's those totally logical heel tactics that really make this game great.

Back in the ring, Rysack went for a right hand, but Punk caught him and scored big with the GTS. Ryback kicked out at one. Why does everyone bury Punk's finisher in my game? Punk then kicked up, and began his come back routine. I'm not sure what he was coming back from, because he already had the upper hand. The psychology in this match is off the chain. Ryback then hit Punk with a single right hand, which he sold like Shawn Michaels by tumbling over the top rope and all the way to the outside floor. Paul Heyman then exposed his genitalia. Punk slid back in the ring and Ryback went for another right hand. However, Punk countered it into another GTS. I feel like I’ve seen this spot somewhere before. Punk went for a cover, but oh no, Heyman's on the apron! The ref was distracted and couldn't count the fall. Punk got screwed! Ryback then got back up, hit Shell Shocked again and picked up the win.

PS3 says: Ryback wins.

Freeman says: Ryback winning would make sense and allow the feud to continue through to Hell In A Cell, but CM Punk hasn't won a match on Pay Per View since he defeated Savio Vega at the 1996 King of the Ring, so I have a feeling he might come out victorious here. Whatever happens, I reckon these two will be squaring off at Hell In A Cell, inside the cell, for the second year in a row, which is pretty funny really. So yeah, Punk wins, with Heyman and Ryback goading him into the rubber match for the next few weeks on RAW.

Rob Van Dam vs Alberto Del Rio (Hardcore match for the World Heavyweight Championship)

Unfortunately, I was unable to assign Ricardo Rodriguez as a manager in a Hardcore match Ricardo Rodriguez was busy booking a last minute all inclusive cruise with LM Cruise Deals, so he won't be managing RVD for this match. LM Cruise Deals lets you browse from hundreds of popular destinations with a variety of different lines and time periods, so you can find the perfect location for your dirty holiday with that hot babe from accounting. LM Crusie Deals: We won't tell if you pay us enough.

The less said about this match the better, because, fuck this match. I set this up to be a Hardcore Match, or Extreme Rules as it's called in the game. Same thing. Therefore I was expecting chair shots, flaming tables and blood, but instead all I got was suplexes, rest holds and cupcakes. I'm sick of Alberto Del Rio and his big fat stupid face on this game and I just want him to go away. Things did liven up a bit, when, in the last stages of the match, the two men traded ladder shots for what seemed like all of eternity. Eventually, after nine boring minutes, Rob Van Dam performed an inside cradle and walked away victorious.


PS3 says: Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion, Rob Van Dam.

Freeman says: Alberto Del Rio wins. Lots of reports about WWE being upset with Van Dam for not signing a new contract and making him take part in beatdowns and junk, so I don't think he wins here. Even if that stuff isn't true, and I have no reason to believe otherwise because it was on the dirt sheets so it must be true, RDV is scheduled to take time off soon anyway, so it wouldn't make sense to put the title on him.

R-Truth vs Curtis Axel (Intercontinental Championship)

Months and months of this compelling rivalry between these two bitter enemies culminates in their final battle at the Battleground Pay Per View. R-Truth was out first, followed by Curtis Axel accompanied by Paul Heyman. The Intercontinental Title is held aloft and here we go.

Match starts and they tied it up, but both men did nothing and broke it off. They tied up again, but did nothing and broke off. Then they tied up again, did nothing, and broke off. Wow what a great start. This is already looking like a contender to rival CM Punk and Brock Lesnar's match of the year candidate from Summerslam.

In fairness, for the rest of the match, R-Truth was quite fun to watch. Much like in real life, he has a few cool flippy moves that look great but don't really do anything. Why do we have to have face R-Truth anyway? Why can't we have heel R-Truth again? I quite enjoyed his work back when he was a bad guy. Anyway, Heyman didn't really get involved in this match because he didn't have to; Axel was in control for pretty much all of it, and eventually hit a clothesline and emerged victorious. No, not a JBL Clothesline From Hell or a Ryback Meat Hook Clothesline, just your bog standard clothesline for the win. I love this game.

PS3 says: Curtis Axel wins.

Freeman says: Curtis Axel wins. I know that R-Truth's been built up as a legitimate title contender all year round and everything, but I just can't see WWE taking the belt off of Axel just yet.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes (with Dusty Rhodes) vs. The Shield (Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins)

I downloaded a pretty good Goldust CAW for this match, who came out to Hunter Hearst Helmsley's theme music, which was pretty funny given the storyline circumstances. Unfortunately, Dusty Rhodes was busy attending an organised protest about the extreme hardships facing American Mammoth Jack Donkeys in the United States, so he won't be in his sons' corner for this match. Did you know that pledging just two pounds a month would go a long way to improving the living conditions of the American Mammoth Jack Donkey and help create a better future for this fine species? Dig deep people. Dig deep.

Rhodes and Reigns started. This match could be a nightmare for people who struggle to pronounce their 'R's. That's really insensitive of you WWE. While you're at it, why not get Erick Rowan, William Regal, Zack Ryder and Justin Roberts in this match too, with Barry Kripke doing play by play and Elmer Fudd on colour commentary. In fact, let's imagine that right now.

Wowins and Weigns worked over Whodes with some wivetting offence. Whodes wan the wopes and hit a widiculous thwee sixty fwog spwash on Wowins. Wowins tagged out to Weigns. After some weally wapid stwikes with his wight hand, Cody Whodes unfortunatewy knocked out the weferwee. His bwother Goldust, or Dustin Wunnels, hit Shattered Dweams, but the wef was unconscious and couldn't count the fall. Weigns then got back up and nailed Goldust with the spear to pick up the won, two, thwee.

Now, shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits.

PS3 says: The Shield wins.

Freeman says: The safe bet is on the Rhodes boys here, since Cody has to get his job back somehow. However, my gut is telling me that a swerve is happening here, with The Shield coming out victorious to keep the “Cody's fired” storyline going a little longer. There's also a possibility of Goldust turning heel here and selling his soul to the new Corporation to set up that long discussed Cody vs Goldust match. Even though Triple H said the Rhodes family would never work again in WWE if they lost, we all know there's no such thing as never in WWE, so I'm going for a Shield win here.

Brie Bella vs AJ Lee (Divas Championship)

Brie Bella was out first. I was going to assign her sister Nikki as her manager but I didn't bother because Nikki doesn't have false breasts in this game. AJ was out next and here we go.

So... Are the Bellas faces now? Or... Yeah. When did they turn face again? Can someone inform me when that happened? Anyway, this match was actually really fast paced and quite exciting, but, unfortunately, I spent most of it Googling pictures of breasts. At one point, Jerry Lawler said “You can tell Nikki and Brie apart because Brie's the one with the tattoo.” Yeah King, that's how we differentiate between the two. Lol at Lawler's other comment of “this match has got more curves than a race track.” Eventually, AJ hit a Shiranui, yes, a Shiranui, and scored the pinfall for the win.

PS3 says: AJ wins.

Freeman says: I thought WWE might put the Divas Title on Brie Bella last month, however, with Brie and Daniel Bryan's engagement announcement, I don't think they need to anymore. Furthermore, I think we might just see Nikki Bella 'accidentally' cost Brie the match here, if you catch my drift. AJ wins.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (WWE Championship)

Bryan out first followed by Orton. The WWE Title, which is currently held in ambience or whatever that word is that WWE used, is held aloft and this one's underway.

Bryan started off like a house on fire, but Randy Orton thought he was Stone Cold Steve Austin and hit a bunch of Lou Thesz presses, flipped Bryan off, and drank a load of beer. I made up some of that stuff. The match continued to be very back and forward, with each man having an effective counter to the other's moves, with neither competitor able to gain a clear advantage. Power slam by Orton, followed by a sick looking neck breaker from Bryan. Paul Heyman then exposed his genitalia. Both men dropped to the outside as this match continued.

Orton executed another Thez press, but this one was on the outside. That doesn't make your offence any more interesting you bum. The Viper then began to prep the announce table for some shenanigans. Things were taken to the extreme when Orton smashed Bryan's face into the ring post and busted him open. Randy then went for a right hand, but oh no Bryan, don't lock in the Yes Lock on the outside you total wanker. Why does DB keep doing that in this stupid game? Orton probably did tap out, but PS3 Daniel Bryan is a moron and doesn't know that you can't win a normal match on the outside of the ring. Both men got back in the ring, but were both soon back outside again, where Orton proceeded to whip Bryan on to the table and RKO him straight through it. Fuck, it's like the Attitude Era here with all this outside action, nice storyline tie in though. Finally, both men were back in the ring, where Bryan scored a neckbreaker, and then a sick looking brain buster, which was not only enough to bust Orton wide open, but also for Bryan to pin the Viper and pick up the victory. Battleground goes off air with a bloody Daniel Bryan celebrating his third WWE Championship win.

PS3 says: Daniel Bryan wins. His first victory of this series, in fact.

Freeman says: I don't think Bryan wins here because this feud will most likely culminate inside Hell In A Cell at the next PPV. Either Orton wins, or neither wins. I'm actually leaning more towards a draw or a no contest, with either a shit load of interference causing the ref to throw the match out, or a double count out. I'll go for a draw meaning the WWE Title remains in abacus, with the decider taking place at Hell In A Cell.

Well, there it is. Daniel Bryan's leaving with the WWE Title, RVD is the new World Heavyweight Champion, Ryback's defeating CM Punk and the Rhodes boys remain unemployed. As for the pre show match, Damien Sandow continued his good PS3 form with a victory over Dolph Ziggler. Onto the actual Pay Per View itself, which I've got to admit, I've got mixed feelings about. On the one hand, the three main matches of Bryan vs Orton, Punk vs Ryback and Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs The Shield have been built up really well, and should all be good matches. My only problem, as I touched on in the opening paragraph, is that the last PPV, Night Of Champions, was just three weeks ago, and Hell In A Cell, the next PPV after Battleground, is also just three weeks away. With that in mind, is there really any point to Battleground? Why not just scratch this event from the WWE calendar and have everything finish up at Hell In A Cell? Or even Survivor Series in November? Regardless of WWE's new two Pay Per Views a month format, I might still give this event a look, mainly because of the three matches I mentioned earlier. Or I might put together a slideshow of my favourite false breasts of the current crop of WWE Divas. Whichever really.

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