Posted in: Fact or Fiction FACT or FICTION: Better Late Than Never
By THE MONKEY
Nov 30, 2009 - 6:23:07 PM
Miss me? Yeah I didn't think so. Anyway, you'll have to forgive the lack of intros this go around as things are up to the last minute this time around, and this lingering cold really isn't helping things. Besides these guys need no introductions as we got a pretty stacked edition this go around.
Question 1.) FACT or FICTION, next month's TLC event will be good even without using stars accustomed to Ladder matches in the main events.
anonymous: This is a definite FACT. All you need is someone willing to take a few sick bumps and risks and you’ve got yourself some good stuff already. We’ve already got Shelton vs. Christian in an epic spot-fest-to-be and the guys in the main event will have to follow that up with something different. They don’t have to use the ladder for every move and I don’t think they should. If they want to put on a good main event, they should showcase their wrestling abilities without relying solely on the ladder. Sure, they’ll be some big spots but, it’s the World WRESTLING Federation not the World SPOT-FEST Federation and I think using the better wrestlers and not the ladder specialists will add to the event for me - a wrestling fan.
GLS: I'm going to have to say FACT, even though I'm not a fan of the gimmick pay-per-views. WWE has shown that they're not going to book too many of these matches. With the announced ladder match and the announced TLC match, I don't think we'll be see any other match involving a ladder. The two announced matches that will involve ladders, should both be very good. WWE is actually on a nice roll of delivering pretty strong events, so I don't see that ended with this event (at least not because of the gimmick).
FutureDonkey: Ah, I see that you all have crowned me your deliriously delectable Donkey deliteriously demanding dextorously demonstrated devilish decoys dethroning damaged Draculean dependancies delightfully displaying dronish debaucheries. Well, I suppose that’s okay. It appears as though I may be permitted to return soon, folks (although not within this decade). Allow me to just say that I love you guys and I miss writing for your masturbating pleasure... or viewing pleasure if you roll that way. I don’t judge.
Anywho, at first I was going to be nice, and be all like “Well, why would it be a problem if Mark Henry is in a TLC? Those matches aren’t always that heavy in high-flying, and besides that, if, as an example, he and his humping partner (that’s what he’s used for these days, right), MVP, were in a TLC against Legacy, the other three of them could easily help carry the match, though none of them have ever been in one, simply because they can move around in the ring very well; in the meantime, Henry would act as the big guy who is really ultra-badass until someone taps his face with the ballsack-abrased end of the ladder and then he’d be good and out when some starts mounting (and now the sexual innuendoes begin).” (It should also be observed that in my niceness and sweetness, I believe that MVP would do fine in TLC despite his new found ineptitude and, ironically, niceness and sweetness, because he’s a black guy. Therefore, being of African origins, he could easily clamber up trees and ladders alike and have a clear advantage over everyone else in the match who isn’t so ethnically and physically gifted. That being said, perhaps the WWE could including that in a storyline and have Legacy say that MVP in that match would be racist towards them and then--boom--we get a handicap match. No, I’m not a flier of the Stars and Bars. I just like Hello Kitty.)
Now, that was me being nice, racist, and arguably mentally challenged. Will I apologize? Fuck no, bitches! Now let’s get down to this nitty gritty nasty style like an experienced virgin.
Picture this if you will: “Bah Gawd!” exclaims J.R. (in a perfect world that is), as Mark Henry climbs up a twenty foot ladder and, in the excitement, tears his nipple covering and hooks his nipple to a sharp pointy thing on aforementioned ladder, crying in pain, he leaps of the ladder and generates such a powerfully windy vortex of atmospheric what-nots that, as though he and the ladder were a bit of cool and warm air trysting and forming a tornado, tumble down upon the announce table, thus killing poor old J. R., while Henry’s guts are squeezed out through his punctured manboob as though it were a pressure washer hose. Later on in the night, after Henry’s fecal matter has been dispersed through the use of an actual pressure washer, we witness a match involving Drew McIntyre and R-Truth in which they have kinky sex with the chairs, and so on and so forth. Honestly, do we really want that type of experience? Just imagine how bad it would get if this were a TV14 venue.
I believe that the only suitable answer for this question is FACT, it will actually be good. Sheamus and Cena are going at it in a Tables Match. How is that a problem? Hardy (the relevant one) and Edge would make a faster paced match, sure, but it would be less destructive and less intense. Sheamus has little experience and doesn’t quite get how to put a match together properly, but Jeff had a decade of experience and still couldn’t put a match together without someone with, you know, talent. Edge is a beast at hardcore matches, but absolutely nothing in recent memory can match Cena when he looks all full of piss and vinegar. I’m not a big fan of the guy (while I do love me some Edge), but he does look the look, whereas Edge is just a skinny (yet simultaneously puffy) Canadian who looks like he might be a regular customer of Mr. Speedball. ECW’s Ladders Match will have two experienced motherfuckers in Christian and Benjamin and I don’t see how that will be a problem. Over on SmackDown!, we have Batista VS. The Old Man in a Chairs Match, as well as a true TLC when DX goes up against JeriShow for the titles. Batista and that other guy will beat the shit out of each other and keep the crowd’s blood boiling with excitement as most likely around 40% will be pulling for Batista, quite similarly to their WrestleMania encounter. Kane and The Old Man would also beat the shit out of each other; same goes for Show, for Cena, for Burchill, for Sheamus, and for any other big guy in the ring. Nothing that takes all that much talent, unless a clinic is actually desired. And as far as the TLC Match goes, I don’t see a flaw in there, except for the possibility that Show will make the same mistake that poor Mark Henry made and create a vortex of deadly death.
FACT, for this year at least. I think we all have to take these themed PPV’s on a case-by-case basis. Possibly next year (if they keep it) it will suck my personal donkey fruit, but for the time being I am surprisingly pleased with how everything is turning out; sure, it could be better, and a lot better at that, but I for one expected to have little to no interest in this product, and now I’m finding myself at least somewhat pleased.
Xanman: A month ago, I would have said, "NO FUCKING WAY!," but the IronMan match kind of makes me wonder about my perception of how these things go. On the other hand, Mark Henry attempting to climb a ladder at Wrestlemania wasn't one of the best sights ever, you know? TLC is an idea that has been overused so much lately that it almost makes Hell in a Cell seem fresh by comparison, but last year The Undertaker looked pretty believable in TLC against the master of it, didn't he? I have a hard time picturing two hosses hooking up and making it into a superb one, though. I think it would be better to separate out the matches instead of having all three in one, except maybe as a solid main event choice, which they don't have right now. I know I seem wishy washy on this issue; it's only because I am. All in all, though, TLC is a spot-person's match and if there isn't a spot guy in 'em, they're going to struggle. FICTION.
Question 2.) FACT or FICTION, Jim Ross' days as an on air personality for the WWE are over.
anonymous: One man can stop this being a fact. Michael Fucking Cole. As long as that man continues to aggravate every man, woman and child watching wrestling, there’s a chance for good old J.R. If Jim Ross gets healthy and Cole’s still just as annoying as ever, I can’t see why the WWE won’t plonk Jim Ross back in the announcers chair and get rid of the diseased scrotum that is Michael Cole. It would help Jerry Lawler too because J.R. seems to bring out the best in him. If I had my way, Todd Grisham and Matt Striker would be on Raw, J.R. and The King would be on Smackdown and Michael Cole would be back in the sewer he spawned from. So, I’ll go with FICTION. Just because I think no one can handle Cole much longer.
GLS: Totally FICTION. Jim Ross is my favorite announcer, he's "still got it" as the phrase goes and he'll bounce back from his bout of Bells palsy, just as he always has. I don't think we'll see him back until mid 2010, but I definitely think we will hear JR in the booth again in WWE, and that's a good thing.
FutureDonkey: I don’t happen to have much of an emotional connection Jim Ross since I haven’t been a fan for very long, and, on top of that, my first two years of fandom had little to no J. R. in them because I didn’t get the USA channel, which means no Raw for me. So, when I hear people are upset about him leaving, and hear people talk about how great he is, all I can do is just blindly concur that I shall miss him as well. It isn’t that I think he is bad on commentary, I, in fact, truly do belive he is the best play by play I’ve ever heard, often marvelling in how I, even as a smark, am somewhat taken along by all of his hype for certain wrestlers; of course that is great and all, but he still isn’t anywhere near as impressive as he used to be, primarily because of a lack of heel color commentary. So when I first saw him on Raw with Lawler, I must say, I was thoroughly underwhelmed, and failed to see why people cared about them so much. Not having money does make it extremely difficult to go back and study years past in wrestling, so I haven’t seen nearly as much content as I would like, however, any PPV I have watched with the old team of heel Lawler and face J. R. does entirely win me over and make me realize why Ross means a lot to people.
With all of that being said, I still don’t have much of a connection with him, though I do respect him enormously; because of this, I believe I can offer an unbiased answer. FICTION, he will eventually return. He claims his condition isn’t as bad as last time and I, for one, believe him. Think about it, he’s been telling us everything that’s going wrong with him, all of the lovely details, thus I don’t see why he would decide to withhold the fact that his condition is worse than what it used to be. Obviously, I can’t quite peer into his mind and see what’s going on in there, yet I can say that it would seem somewhat irrational of him to not admit to the truth after already telling us so much. Personally, I’m convinced that even if it is worse, he will return in time, though, based on what he’s said, I have some doubts that it will be around WrestleMania, since I believe he was merely providing us with something substantive to get our teeth on. However, it should be said that, once again, based on what he’s already said, I’m not certain he will return in the same capacity, though that capacity is undoubtedly going to be a truly meaningful contribution. I think it is rather unfortunate that the twilight of his career will possibly be marred by doing a job he just wasn’t born to do, unlike commentary. Nonetheless, I still believe that he will be in the commentary booth at least one time after his return. I wish him the best of luck in all of his future endeavors (what?)
Well, this is certainly a tad unusual, I actually delivered a “normal” answer for once. We can’t have that, now can we?
The interesting thing about this is that whenever I think of bad ol’ J. R., I can’t help but wonder if he does indeed masturbate to porn while calling a match (as I believe MadchucK once said); of course, I also occasionally ponder what he keeps inside his double-chin that makes it so lumpy. Cornbread mixture?
Xanman: I hope not. We've still never really seen what I think would be the best team of current announcers in WWE, which is Ross and Matt Striker. Still, it's hard to fight the duo of Father Time and Bell's Palsy and I can almost imagine that it's becoming quite a struggle to do so. Do I think he'll go to TNA? No, they don't need him--at least on-air. Do I think he'll go to ROH? That possibility intrigues me, but I doubt it. In the end, I think what he really loves to do is comment on wrestling matches and I think he'll find a way to do it for the WWE again, no matter what. he'll be back on the air for WWE. FICTION.
Question 3.) FACT or FICTION, ROH is slowly suffering the fate of the original ECW.
anonymous: What’s ROH? Seriously, I always hear the name but I’ve never seen anything of it and I probably won’t until it gets itself a T.V. deal. Who am I to judge that which I know nothing about? Oh yeh...a wrestling columnist. Here’s my verdict- On the basis that the coin landed on heads, I formed this opinion: **This is total FICTIONROH will never go the same was as the original ECW. How dare you even suggest that?! I’m outraged.** That’s my honest view.
GLS: There may be a few similarities, but I'm going to say FICTION here. I know it's viewed through rose colored glasses and with cult love, but the original ECW wasn't all that great to begin with. ECW's fate was sealed because it was horribly managed. ROH from a pure wrestling standpoint, far surpasses ECW in quality, and that's with ROH's quality diminishing. The difference between them, ROH really isn't a poorly ran company. They have a solid business model for their size, and it works for them. Their television deal with HDNet isn't a cancer to them the way TNN was to ECW. I think the quality of ROH is dipping at the moment, it's still a very good wrestling product though, but I don't see them going the way of the original ECW anytime soon or if they did, for the reasons ECW did.
FutureDonkey: As I look out upon the fields of golden grain bringing forth the food of bread-eaters, as I look out upon crashing waves expelling algae from the abyssal depths onto the sand bringing forth food for the crabs and subsequently the crab-eaters, as I look out upon acidic soil beneath the boughs of sturdy conifers bringing forth food for the needle-eaters, as I look out upon universally ununiversal world of Wet World Entertainment I cannot help but notice a lack of “bringing forth,” not in a merely poetic sense, but more so in a realistic sense, one which we can all witness, and one which, all too sadly, we are nearly forced to witness as it tumbles to the ground like a tower of all our clinging and meaningless emotions which we have attached to it for whatever inate reason we possess. ROH, on the other monolithic antler of the human evolutionary tree of thought, is indeed a symbol of being fruitful, though not one of multiplicity. Strange to say it, Wet World Entertainment, is in fact a symbol of multiplicity, strictly in the sense that it is growing, by comparison, that is, with other relatively comparable competitors, ie., none. Even if ROH, TNA, or any other indy organization grows, Wet World Entertainment is currently consistently there to outgrow them. Unfortunately, until one organization steps up and firmly plants their entire mission as not the direct competition with Wet World Entertainment, but, instead, devotion to doing what they are good at doing. ROH is this organization.
FICTION. Hell yes they’ve been hurt lately by the ’E, but they are far from down and out, and even though it does seem a similar situation to what happened to ECW, we have to stick with what we know to be facts, not what we know to be things that we don’t know at all for sure. ECW’s problem, besides WWE being the motherfuckin’ juggernaut that it was and still is, was a lack of money management skills, veering away from their roots to compete with the mainstream, and the loss of many valuable wrestlers to that aforementioned juggernaut. We, however, do not know if this is the case with ROH. The money problems are unsubstantiated rumors, they’ve hardly veered away from their roots, regardless of their new TV deal, and while they have lost important wrestlers in quick succession, not all of them went to Wet World Entertainment, and even if they did, Wet World Entertainment is obviously not making a follow-up on their so-called rape of ROH.
Sure, for the time being it does appear as though we could lose ROH, and maybe we will, but despite that, they will, I firmly believe, have a powerful impact on the world of wrestling for years to come. Positivism FTW!
Xanman: Oh my God. Monk, are you trying to make me cry? Ring of Honor is the organization where great professional wrestling is right now, along with a few others like Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and Dragon Gate USA, and I don't want to see it die. However, I don't think it will. Sure, Bryan Danielson is likely to turn up in WWE any minute, Nigel McGuinness has already metamorphed into Desmond Wolfe in TNA, and the Briscoes are looking to leave, as well. Those are all big losses, don't get me wrong, but not as big as they would have been a year or 18 months ago. Nigel McGuinness worked his magic and helped keep ROH afloat, and while they are no longer running pay per views, they are still selling their dvds and have a weekly television show. Bryan Danielson has done absolutely everything he can outside WWE or TNA, so while he's a draw for them, he had to leave for his career. The Briscoes? As CoLd likes to say, if you've seen one Briscoe match, you've seen them all. They aren't a loss for ROH, if they even go. No, Ring of Honor will be around for awhile despite their big name losses and their supposed financial problems. I will, again, say FICTION.
Question 4.) FACT or FICTION, by the end of 2010 TNA will be a viable competitor to the WWE.
anonymous: FICTION. I wish it was fact. I really do. But, TNA still needs to gain more ratings and I can’t see it doing that by the end of 2010. It might progress a little bit and if Bischoff actually gets to stay with them for the year then its quality of booking could rise considerably. However, unless John Cena, The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, HHH and Rikishi all join the company, I don’t see the ratings improving too dramatically. This is a shame, because it’d make the wrestling world a better place if it happened.
GLS: Without a doubt, FICTION. I like TNA, but they'll never be a "viable competitor". WWE is wrestling now, whether anyone likes it or not. WWE is the NFL, TNA is the UFL. WWE is UFC, TNA is Strikeforce. There's a market for TNA to continue to grow and grow, but they'll never be in a position to be any threat to WWE. That's not even something they should concern themselves with either. The best shot for someone to replace WWE was WCW, with the merger of WWE and WCW in 2001, McMahon sealed the fate of his company. There's a market for TNA to compete in, but they'll never see a dominant share of it.
FutureDonkey: Respectfully I must decline to directly answer this question. The truth is, I just don’t feel high enough right now to get the job done the way it should be done (which is strange since I don‘t do drugs at all), therefore, I am handing over the reigns to two close friends of mine that you may or may not (probably the latter) remember...
After obliterating the legions of undead that stood between them and the Time Machine that would take them to the year 2015 when Hornswoggle and his puppet master, Roman Pulanski, was attempting to take over the world, both The Secretive Guy and his partner, Johnson, stood leaning up against a rather stiff rock wall, catching their breath before busting out their fuel rod cannons (the ones that the Master Chief sent them) to defeat the remaining necromancers. Suddenly...
The Secretive Guy: Johnson! Johnson!
Johnson: That’s what she said.
The Secretive Guy: Huh?
Johnson: Nevermind that, what is it?
The Secretive Guy: Well, I was just playing with myself a bit to relieve my headache and I discovered and a Super Powerful Alien Computer Chip: Info device that could give us some valuable information. Alas! We left the Alien Computer such a long distance away, now we shall never uncover this hidden knowledge.
Johnson: Never fear, we don’t need the Alien Computer right in front of us, while you were at your mom’s getting your bestiality on, I payed a visit to the local app store and got an app for the Alien Computer right on my bodily iPhone.
The Secretive Guy: In that case, allow me to insert this chip inside of you...
Whoosh! Bright lights eminate from Johnson’s Mr.. Johnson as it projects a talking Alien Computer screen.
Alien Computer: In the year 2010, TNA truly has a chance for a ground-breaking fresh start, an opportunity to firmly win me over as a fan, an opportunity to pull from the Wet World Entertainment audience fans like you and I who tend to enjoy wrestling over cheap whores (so-called entertainment), and, lastly, an opportunity to show the world that they aren’t anywhere fucking close to being the size of the highly-lubricated asshole that I repetitively refer to as Wet World Entertainment. The year 2010 must be a landmark for them in humility, in accepting that they have to start from the bottom and slowly, but determinately, move onwards and upwards like someone once said. Perhaps they will, in the beginning lose some fans who just really dug the hardcore entertainment that all of their kickass skits provide us with, perhaps they’ll even lose fans who only watch for the old guy pornoramas, but eventually they’ll start gaining again as AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, MCMG, and many others begin mixing it up in the spotlight where some have only just arrived in, others have languished with no advancement, and still other have never touched. Wet World Entertainment has dropped the ball with CM Punk (though not into the point of no return I’m happy to say I believe), they’ve did the same to Ziggler (for fuck’s sake, Xan, stop calling him Ziggles! it’s not right!), and likewise for MVP, Bourne, and Swagger, and probably for Drew McIntyre and Eric Escobar; this past year has been an all around fail for them in many ways when one considers how much good they could have done. Going into the future, as more fans realize that John Morrison was right on about Raw being a cheap ass version of SNL, TNA will be the promotion in the best possible position to gain a whole new group of rabid fanboys. 2010 will likely be a year of opposites for TNA and Wet World Entertainment, as the old continue to dominate in the latter, while the young finally spring to life in the former. 2010 will be not a year of innovation for TNA, it will be a year of evolution.
But there is still no fucking way they’ll be able to compete with Wet World Entertainment.
Johnson: That’s weird. I didn’t know that Alien Computers could use language like that.
The Secretive Guy: Yeah, no doubt I’m rather confused about all of this. But that’s okay because I brought Cuban cigars, so let’s just sit back and have a puff while we digest all of this. Then, on to war, glory, and an end to the advance of pedophilia in wrestling!
After having a nice long smoke, Johnson and The Secretive Guy arm their fuel rod cannons and nuke the necromancers. In triumph, and with shimmeringly bright reflections coming from their twinkling eyes of happiness, enter into the Time Machine...
Well, that was delightful, now wasn’t it.
Tosses a coin into the air.
FICTION.
Xanman: What the hell does "viable competitor" mean? If by "viable," you mean making money instead of being in the red all the time, it's FICTION. If you mean having big names and being able to draw other big names that might make them closer to the black and the WWE's status, it certainly could be a FACT. It's hard to know for sure, isn't it? Hogan's never been a booker before, to my knowledge, and if he's really coming in to do that job, everything's up in the air. TNA has all the talent in the world, they can be real competition for WWE, but they have to know what they're doing for longer than a few months at a time. They've never shown that capability, so again I'll have to say FICTION.
Question 5.) FACT or FICTION, Hulk Hogan will wrestle at least one match during his TNA tenure.
anonymous: This is like asking if the sky will be blue at least once in a year. Of course Hulk Hogan will wrestle at least one match during his TNA tenure! He’s coming off a tour where he’s been wrestling on a regular basis and I can’t see why he’d stop in TNA. And, despite all the bitching and whining, Hulk Hogan is STILL a draw. Not as big a draw as he was once upon a time but, a lot of people would still pay to see him ahead of the TNA not-so-Superstars. This is the biggest FACT of the day and if anyone says fiction, they don’t know Hogan too well.
GLS: I would love for this one to be fiction, but I don't want to see Hulk Hogan wrestling in the year 2010. Sadly, I'm going to have to say FACT. And I reckon to be honest, TNA would be fools not to let Hogan have at least one match if he wanted too. There's still a lot of folks that like Hogan, for whatever reason, and his stepping into a six-sided ring for a match in TNA, would be a huge deal for TNA wrestling. The match won't be good, but it's going to happen, for better or worse.
FutureDonkey: FACT. I don’t know the details of his contract (specifically for how long it lasts), but I do know that his ego will not allow him to not wrestle at least one match, or, more likely, have at least one fued, consisting of several matches. Even so, I wouldn’t be surprised if in the end he puts over one of the newer, fresher, younger guys, rather than having a cock-sucking contest with the Big Pumpin’ Poppa, Big Wanky, and that Ben Milson or Ed Wilson or whatever Sting’s real name is. Nah, fuck that. Their sexual frustrations will be relieved in front of all of us. And wars will happen because of this...
Xanman: FACT. In order to have the kind of impact--pardon the pun--that he would need to have to justify Total Nonstop Action Wrestling signing him, he'd have to. Not only that, he'd have to be a high-profile player for them for at least 12 months, doing his damndest to put over those who could really use that kind of rub. If he's just a booker, or just an on-air personality, this experiment will be a failure and TNA will fold, because they've wasted their last best chance to have a shot at challenging WWE.
BONUS ROUND
1.) What wrestler will have the biggest breakout year in 2010? The definition of "breakout" is completely up to you, but explain your answer.
anonymous: The obvious choice is Kofi Kingston. He’s been on fire the last few weeks and it looks like he’ll continue that going. But, he’s already obvious. I was also tempted to say Eric Escobar but recent events have put me off. So I’ve turned to a Mr Mizanin. I have a bigger hard on for the Miz than anyone else in the WWE and every week it gets bigger and he gets better. His mic work, ring work and credibility are constantly on the rise and 2010 should be year he breaks through the glass ceiling and gets his chance to main event. He’s not far off being above the US Title already and if he’s given the right feud once he drops that belt, he could have a very good year and I would be perfectly happy to see him end 2010 as the World Champion. Ok...I’m fantasizing now.
GLS: We're already seeing it happen right now, but I don't think we'll fully see it reach its potential for real breakout until 2010. So I'm going with the hot answer currently, Kofi Kingston. He's having a major push right now, and the fans are really taken to him. If he can keep his head on straight, not make any mistakes, and keep the fire, Kofi should easily be a shoe-in to ascend the proverbial ladder and capture the WWE Championship. If he were a stock, now would be the time to buy many shares and then just sit back and wait on the payday.
FutureDonkey: Oh now this could get really kinky. I’m so aroused right now, I must say!
I think that Batista will continue to have some of the best “breakouts” anyone has ever seen, all over his ass. Perhaps he could get his lesbian mother to pop his ass-pimples. Of course, they would probably just start banging right then and there and we really wouldn’t want that... or would we?...hmmm...
No. No. No. Definitely not that. Perhaps “breakout” could mean something more negative, like the exact opposite of what it means. I’m sorry. I’m tired.
When I see the flowers split apart the uproariously thunderous sky, and observe as they expel forth the hidden messages of truth, light, and rain, I see through the fog, and see a man known delightfully well for his ventures in day time television, I see a man who likes his women big and meaty, I see a man who has extravagant hair, I see a man who pops off boners like wealthy black males pop off bitches, I see a man can flex his pectorals at a mind-numbingly alarming rate, I see a man who is really quite gay, I see a dude who crashes parties and sounds like a badass, I see another man who is also rambunctuously gay, I see a giant tit covering up some dude, I see some extreme, half-assed, obviously-doesn’t-give-a-shit-anymore-because-no-one-has-any-reason-to-give-a-fuck dude who may possibly have one ab remaining (but I’m unsure of this), I see a lot of old guys who need to retire, I see someone with an irritating gimmick, I see someone who is just plain wasting my time, I see someone who makes a total mockery of wrestling, I see another guy who is so blatantly clueless and uncharismatic that it makes me want to gouge my eyes out, I see several fake-ass wannabe gangster thugs who don’t know jack about living in the ’hood, I see a lot of shit I couldn’t care less about anymore, and I sure as hell don‘t see shit that screams “breakout” star. I’m sorry for the pessimism, and maybe my disillusionment (if that’s even a word) is why I’m not feeling a single one of these questions. It’s not that I don’t care about wrestling, because I know I do, it’s just that I’m not given anything to care about. I have mad homo love for people like Jericho, Punk, and McGuinness, but I want more. Yeah, give me a damn fine promo and damn good match any day, but give me a damn awesome show and an even more damn awesome crowd that actually cares all the way through and I’ll be set for life.
It make me sad to say this, but as much as I do like Sheamus, I’m really not all that impressed. What’s worse is that SHEAMUS is my pick. He’s a big guy and he has the “look.” I don’t need to give an explanation for that. In the meantime, MVP can just sit on the sidelines looking like a dumbass, Evan Bourne can be busy perusing his gay lifestyle in peace, and Dolph Ziggler can practically disappear. That’s okay, though. “They” know exactly what we want, and we want Sheamus, so, as you can see, it’s all good and no-one has a reason to bitch.
Xanman: These kinds of things are so difficult to predict, it's foolish to even try. Anybody could go out there and get run over by a car or have a serious leg injury or get caught cheating with Stephanie, and their year--and possibly their entire career would be gone. That said, I'm not a big fan of Sheamus. Not yet. We'll see how he does in his feud with Cena, of course, but I'm not sold on him at all. I'm more inclined to pick Drew McIntyre, because he's dynamic with solid mic skills and a dynamite finisher that could really catch on. I'd love to say Dolph Ziggler, Zack Ryder, Jack Swagger, or Ted Dibiase, but for whatever reason they've all had their progress stalled. I really don't know who to pick here, so I'm going to go back to the guy that I thought had become a star before he and his partner were inexplicably shoved back to the lower midcard--Cody Rhodes. He's been around longer than any of the other guys I mentioned, he's the best member of Legacy on the mic, he can sell really well, he's developing an all-around moveset, and he carries himself like a superstar. As far as I can tell, he's the next guy to break the glass ceiling; assuming anyone can, since even the hottest guy in wrestling couldn't get it done earlier this year.
2.) What match this year is perhaps the most overlooked, not getting the credit it deserves?
anonymous: Wrestling fans have short memories. And I missed 7 months of wrestling due to my adventures in the real world. However, I’m privileged to be one of the few, it seems, to remember John Cena vs. Edge in The Last Man Standing match at Backlash. I thought everything in that match was sublime, up to and including The Big Show’s excellently executed return and subsequent attack on Cena. For me, that match was at least a 4 star match, if not reaching a 5 and it’s a shame no one else gave it any credit.
GLS: No Answer Submitted
FutureDonkey: Most overlooked match is easily Morrison’s final match on ECW, which was a twenty minute clinic with Evan “Hey everyone, I’m gay! Will you please give me a hug” Bourne. BOURNE VS. MORRISON was of such high quality that Matt Striker said that it was a MotY contender; it was also of such high quality that Wet World Entertainment edited out Striker’s comment, never made a mention of that match again, and has since flipped a magical fairy coin which landed negatively towards Bourne, causing him to fall down the slippery, apple juice-covered stripper pole that is a nearly nude dude’s career in Wet World Entertainment.
This travesty of justice is clearly the exact travesty of justice that has occurred time and time again over the course of the last several collections of days that are fantastically divided into months and eventually, with superficial joy, into years. Little kittens are cute and cuddly until they become PMS machines. Such the same goes for the conglomeration of wank-production that roam the halls and dusty battlements of Wet World Entertainment, as bear with them a pungent odor and a handy hand that not only gives handjobs and provides handiwork, but one that also hands the magical fairy coin, the coin that wreaks untold (until now) devastation upon the unfortunate superstar. Quality is bad. Quantity is good. Yes, please, give us one million and a half unremotely confrontational confrontations between Cryme Tyme and the Hart Dynasty (if that’s what they’re called). Yes, really, do it like that. Yeah, baby, you know that’s what turns me on. What doesn’t turn me on, however, is CM Punk VS. John Morrison, because it’s so fast-paced, yet highly technical and--feel free to go stab your eyes for this one--entertaining and fresh. Boo. I don’t want that. Let me go watch porn instead.
I must say, though, ’tis indeed rather smelly that the one guy in that battle royale thingymajigger on Raw who least deserved a title shot was the one guy who won it. Actually, no. Nevermind. There is some serious logic there.
Xanman: This is a tough question for me to answer. I didn't see most of the Mysterio/Jericho matches everyone raved about, but since Rey was actually fighting someone closer to his size, I imagine they were terrific. I think a lot of people were too hard on the Triple H/Orton match from Wrestlemania, but that one had its defenders, too. I'm going to go with a dark horse here that I'm sure none of the other panelists has even seen and that's KENTA vs. Nigel McGuinness for the Ring of Honor World Title at the 7th Anniversary Show. This match occurred the night after McGuinness tore his biceps and he was practically a zero-armed man who decided to soldier his way through the title defense in true starving wrestler fashion. The guy could barely move his arms, and thus missed lariat attempt after lariat attempt, while his arm was being worked over by one of the best Japan has to offer. He finally ended up being able to finish off his young challenger with a sick variation on the *London Dungeon*, but that also took it's toll on his damaged arms. It was a fantastic contest between two greats that I heard nobody say a damned thing about for months after, but it was one of the true classics of 2009.
So there you have it, another FoF in the bag. Who did the best? That's up to you as you are the only ones who can determine the winner and champion whom will return to defend their crown next month. Was it former Main Pager anonymous? Perhaps the king of the rafters and artist formerly known as Stinger, GLS. Perhaps the absurdly over the top returning champion FutureDonkey. Or maybe you prefer the answers of current Main Pager Xanman. The choice is yours and yours only so send all votes to monkeyweasel9821@yahoo.com or post them in the feedback thread in the forums. Then tune in next month to see who has returned.
