Posted in: Enter The Dream Realm Morpheus' Thirty Day Challenge: Part III (Days Eleven - Fifteen)
By Morpheus
Jun 14, 2011 - 2:17:29 PM
Morpheus' Thirty Day Challenge: Part III (Days Eleven – Fifteen)
Join us in the LOP Room at turntable.fm. CLICK HERE for some awesome music sharing. Or alternatively, you could be a bitch and not join us. Bitch. Your choice. Bitch.
Is there really any other valid answer for this question? I thought long and hard (no Glacier) about putting Jake Roberts here, because his sick psychology and ability to play mind games set him apart from the rest. He was truly far ahead of his time. However, at the end of the day, there really is no one who I ever liked better as a heel than Piper. He was simply masterful when it came to getting the response he desired, and he was a take-no-prisoners and pull-no-punches kind of guy, which made him all the more intriguing.
A lot of wrestlers in the 80's were a character of one sort or another, with most of them being over the top. Hogan was leading the pack as the standard bearer, and he has always been a human caricature, so many of the wrestlers during that time followed in a similar vein. Roddy Piper always stood out to me because he didn't play that game and try to be a character. He went out there and said what he damn well pleased, and you could tell he firmly believed every word that came out of his mouth, no matter how despicable it might be.
Piper was absolutely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the quintessential heel, and so many who have come after have taken little bits and pieces of Roddy to make themselves who they are. Without him, heels and wrestling as a whole would not be what it is today. Thanks again, Roddy, for making a life-long wrestling fan out of this guy.
Honorable Mentions: Triple H (of course), Shawn Michaels, Jake "The Snake" Roberts
__________________________________________
A Song From My Favorite Band
"Handful Of Rain" by Savatage
This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. There are a handful of bands that could easily vie for the ranking of my absolute favorite, and month to month the top slot switches back and forth between them. However, as much as I love Edguy, Iced Earth and Dream Theater, if I look objectively over the last 15 years of my life, there is really only one possible choice for favorite band, and that is the epic glory that is Savatage.
Savatage may not be as widely known to the public as they should be, but other musicians know them very well, and a lot of Metal bands have listed them as a heavy influence. One of the true pioneers of progressive Metal, Savatage has been kicking around for almost 30 years now, and they have some of the greatest songs I have ever heard. Many of you may have heard of the band Trans-Siberian Orchestra, which is very popular around Christmas time with their tours and Christmas albums. What you probably don't know is that Trans-Siberian Orchestra is actually Savatage with invited singers. Truly awesome stuff.
I chose this song because it is one of my favorites. I highly recommend looking for others as well, but this gives a really good idea of just how hard these guys can rock. One thing I do not recommend, though, is driving while this song is playing. I got ticketed for going 88 in a 55 zone, and I had no idea I was even speeding. THAT'S fucking Metal!
Honorable Mentions: "Dante's Inferno" by Iced Earth, "Tears Of A Mandrake" by Edguy, "A Change Of Seasons" by Dream Theater
June 10, 2011 – Day Twelve:
Worst Promo Of All Time
Matt Hardy – The Angelic Diablo
Alright, I'm sure everyone is aware by now of my distaste for one Matt Hardy. There is not much I really want to say here, because I think the promo video speaks volumes for itself. Just to give you the background, this was after Matt had been fired for airing his dirty laundry on the internet when Lita was fucking Edge behind Matt's back. He recorded this promo, and a few others, in an attempt to reinvent himself (he really likes to do that apparently; I think we're on Matt Hardy V. 17 by now… and they all suck) in a new, supposedly badass direction. Unfortunately, what we got was this instead.
Dude should seriously audition for Spanish soap operas.
Honorable Mentions: Owen Hart @ Royal Rumble 1994 ("You're too damn shellfish, Bret, and that's why I kicked your leg outta your… leg…), That Jumpin' Jeff Farmer promo Hustle posted, Any other time either Matt or Jeff Hardy are allowed mic time
__________________________________________
A Song From A Band I Hate
"Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional
Where do I start here? First of all, Emo music is an abomination against God, Nature, and Science all at the same time. All those pre-teen whiny bitches combing their hair over one eye and crying into their sweaters about how hard life is just make me want to take a soldering iron to each and every single one of their cerebellums. Emo started becoming wildly popular with these socially inept and fundamentally worthless individuals a few years back now, and at the forefront of that wave of popularity was this band, and particularly this song.
Now, what you have to understand here is that when this became popular, Assboard Depressional, as I prefer to call them, had a LOT of air time on the radio and on MTV and such. I remember very clearly seeing the dude singing this on some live studio show on MTV and he was surrounded by a screaming throng of barely-adolescent girls who were having Beatles-esque reactions to the presence of this skinny fuck.
And this is where it gets disturbing. Here's a dude in his early thirties singing a song about making out to an audience of girls barely old enough for training bras. Am I the only one who finds that to be creeper-level pedobear bullshit? Dude should need to register to move into my neighborhood. Fuck Emo as a genre, fuck Dashboard Confessional as a band, and fuck this song as affront to my senses.
Honorable Mentions: "Goodbye Earl" by The Dixie Chicks, "Down" by 311, "Bananas" by Gwen Stefani
June 11, 2011 – Day Thirteen:
Favorite Royal Rumble Elimination
Shawn Michaels Wins Royal Rumble 1995
First of all, I should say that the first elimination I thought of was Mo getting ousted in a ridiculously short 3 seconds in 1995. However, due to my inability to find a decent video clip to accompany its description, I started thinking a little further, and came up with this one: Shawn Michaels eliminating the British Bulldog to win the 1995 Royal Rumble.
Part of the main reason that this stands out as my favorite elimination is the fact that I was just such a huge Shawn Michaels fan at the time, and to see him run from bell to bell was simply awesome. Not only that, but entrants 1 and 2 were the final two men left in the Rumble, which added an extra layer of awesome. The controversy where Shawn went over but didn't hit, and Davey thought he had won was a great piece of storytelling.
All of the ensuing moments with the development of Shawn's flamboyant heel persona chasing after the WWF Title, which was in the hands of his former bodyguard and partner, Diesel, all began right here with this elimination. So, for me, it's not just the elimination itself, but everything that resulted from it that makes this my favorite Rumble Elimination.
Honorable Mentions: Mo in Royal Rumble 1995, Lawler in Royal Rumble 1997, Benoit eliminates Big Show @ Royal Rumble 2004
__________________________________________
A Song That Is A Guilty Pleasure
"Party In The U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus
DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING JUDGE ME!!!
To be fair, I heard this song for the first time last summer when I went back to the U.S. for a visit. I had a rental car with no iPod jack, so for the first time in almost 10 years, I was forced to listen to the radio. I heard this song come on, and I was skeptical at first but it had a decent hook, and then when it said Party In The USA, I was all like "Fuck Yeah! USA BABY!!!"
Then like two weeks later, I found out the song I was rocking to was Miley Cyrus. Son of a bitch. I felt betrayed, violated, and just a little Glay. It seemed no amount of showering would remove the taint that had crept into my soul. However, now I have come to terms with it.
Besides, it could have been worse. Rebecca Black, anyone?
Honorable Mentions: "What Do You Want From Me" by Adam Lambert, "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys, "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall
June 12, 2011 – Day Fourteen:
Hottest Female Wrestler
Maryse
Now I should say that Hustle makes an EXTREMELY convincing argument for Layla El being the hottest chickler, and it is very nearly enough to convince me to use her for the answer here. However, if I really think on it, while my brain might follow Hustle's choice, my heart (and loins) follows Mean Mark's.
This is a really strange choice for me, in all reality, as in general I dislike blondes. I find very few blondes attractive, and in almost 100% of the cases I can think of, I find the same woman almost infinitely more attractive with a different hair color. However, Maryse is one spectacular exception to the rule. Any one who has any question as to why I might find her attractive really needs to only look at the image above for the answer.
Even though her accent makes me want to slap the taste out of her mouth, I have to admit that she is quite possibly the hottest female wrestler of all the times. Of the Ever. Hell, beyond even just female wrestlers, but just women period. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go rub one out before I finish writing this update so I can pack my PC for the trip to the U.S.
Damn.
Honorable Mentions: Layla, Lita, Velvet Sky
__________________________________________
A Song That No One Would Expect Me To Love
"Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees
That's right, the Metal-loving mother fucker who was born on the day disco died (which wasn't a coincidence, by the way) loves the living shit out of this song. Back was I was a wee Morphlet, Mama M was still living a few years behind the times, and continued rocking out to disco and dance hits from the late 70's. Most of these made me want to open up my wrists, but even when I was 4 I knew being Emo was a little too Glay for my tastes, so instead I scratched some of the vinyls, and straight up broke our 8-track player.
Yeah, I just totally dated myself there.
Anyway, there was one album that was allowed to abide in my presence: the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever. To this day, I have a strange subliminal hard on for this album, and a lot of the artists on it. The Bee Gees are almost as un-Metal as you can get before turning country, and yet I absolutely love them. It's one of those universal mysteries that science will never explain.
Of course, I made the serious mistake of letting my karaoke friends know that I dug this song. Now, I am forced to sing this at karaoke at least every couple of months. I'm not sure whether or not it is something to be proud of, but I can actually rock this song quite well… Without reading the screen…
Don't judge me.
Honorable Mentions: "Box Chevy" by Yelawolf, "The Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks, "Get This Party Started" by Pink
June 14, 2011 – Day Fifteen:
All Time Stupidest Match Stipulation
First, allow me to apologize for missing that one day. As I mentioned when I started this, I have three trips back and forth between the U.S. and Japan, and yesterday was the first of them. I have safely arrived at the Kingsmill Resort in Williamsburg, VA (swank) a solid 35 hours after I left my apartment in Japan. Yes, I am fucking tired. Anyway, enough bullshit. There are a lot of candidates for this category, but one has always stood out to me as pretty high on the list.
William Regal vs. Chris Jericho @ Backlash 2001 – Duchess Of Queensbury Rules
What the fuck does that even mean? I don't think anyone knew going into it, and I think they were even more confused after it was over. In fact, the announcers played up the fact that they had no idea what the hell the rules were throughout the entire match. Essentially the rules were designed to make it so that Regal couldn't lose. Great idea in theory for a heel commissioner to use in competing, but in reality…
They brought out some bitch in a powdered wig.
Yeah, some chick at ringside in a throne and a powdered wig looking on and ensuring that "her rules" prevailed. Just a shitty, shitty way to go about it. I have just watched the match again, and somehow, 10 years later, it was even worse than I remembered it. Don't get me wrong, the action was decent, but the word overbooking comes to mind repeatedly here. Come to think of it, this whole thing may be one of the main reasons why I have never had any sort of a hard on for Regal the way most of the IWC-diots do. Fuck that guy.
Honorable Mentions: Judy Bagwell On A Pole Match, That Anal Explosion Thing Hustle Mentioned, Any Instance Of A Hair vs. Anything Match… It's Fucking Hair!
__________________________________________
A Song That Describes Me
This one again gets real personal. There were a handful of choices I could have easily picked here, but there are two songs from the same album that have always stood out as personal anthems for me. If you have a problem with me picking more than one song for this, then I invite you to blow me. In my Box Chevy. (I think your name is Becky.)
"Misunderstood" by Dream Theater
As I've touched on in these challenges and in other columns before, I have had a lot of heavy shit thrown at me over the years, and a lot of people in my life have a kind of false image of me and my ability to persevere and overcome anything that comes my way. However, everyone breaks once in a while, and I'm the kind of dude that bottles thing up for far too long until they erupt and obliterate everything around me. Luckily, I manage to be able to hide most of that from prying eyes, but in the end that only leads to the proliferation of this false image. In reality, the refrain here sums up my life vs. my projected image perfectly: If I seem Superhuman, I have been Misunderstood.
"Solitary Shell" by Dream Theater
And this one is a lot more personal than the first. If you recall, I previously wrote a bit regarding some of the shittiness that was my childhood during this challenge. I also mentioned that it led to an extended period of nearly a decade in therapy and psychoanalysis trying to "fix" what was wrong with me. Through a series of doctors and sessions beyond count, they all determined that I had some severe mental disorders. I know, you'd never guess it from reading my shit, right?
Over the years I was diagnosed and treated for clinical depression, mild bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Then came a day during my teenage years where I decided I was tired of all of this bullshit, and the only thing I ever really learned from all of this therapy and analysis was how to be a therapist. I made a mental decision that if I was going to be fixed, I had to do it myself, and I was way too awesome to go out like a bitch. I'm not kidding. That's exactly what I said and what I decided.
I suppose this relates back to the first song, but I have had many people taken by surprise by my sheer force of will. If I want something bad enough or put my mind to it, I will make it happen one way or another. It's how I got a Ph.D. in physics despite the fact that I suck at math. It's how I got my hot wife to marry my ginger ass. Hell, it's how I busted out and won 3 back to back COTM's here on LOP a few years back. That sheer force of will is how I've accomplished everything of note I've ever done in my life.
It's also how I stopped going to therapy, stopped the treatments and medications, and fixed myself. I refused to be anything less than awesome, and that's exactly what I went and became. Sure, I'm still far from normal I suppose, but I think it's a good sign that I haven't gone and slaughtered the families of some of the idiots who troll on here and send ill-conceived hate mail my way.
Or have I?
Honorable Mentions: "Follow Me" by Savatage, "Space Dye Vest" by Dream Theater, "Biggest And The Best" by Clawfinger
