Note from Morpheus: This is it, folks. This is what I have been hinting at for the last couple of months. Welcome to the first edition of Legends Of Pain. This will be a monthly-ish series that will see former LOP Main Page Columnists return to write one more column for their loyal readers of yesteryear. I can't think of anyone better to be our number one guy than Sir Mang himself, so I'm going to shut up and let him take you all on one more Ride. Enjoy!
Once upon a time, in the Golden age of LOP, there was a column. A column that was the Flagship of this website. One that drew followers from far and wide, and influenced many to become writers themselves. A column filled with knowledge and opinion, and not a care for what anyone else thought about that.
That column was called… The Wrath of Tito.
But AFTER that column, there was another. This column was more analytical. This column also drew readers from across the globe each and every week. A column so critically acclaimed that it was defined as setting the standard. And the name of that column?
The Wrestling Menu.
But after that column, in a solid third place, was a different kind of column. This column blended elements of the first two, but added something more. Irrelevance. A column that proudly dared its reader to ask their parents about Bukake. This column paid more attention to the entertainment side than to the sport. With a hearty “Fuck You!” to grammar and spelling, this column dared to explore realms of the wrestling industry that had heretofore been ignored. The business of the business itself. And the name of this column was:
Ridin’ With The Bossman Wrestling columns never really die, they make cameos, which means some one still remembers their column and makes the writer feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and is a great ego boost. I plan to use this column as a pick up line in a bar real soon. Don’t laugh. Saying I write for a website has gotten me trim. For realz. It might have been the booze though…
Hello gentle Readers. Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman. Written by the only Columns Forum Hall Of Famer to be kicked out of the super-secret general discussion area of the Columns Forum. How? You know, I’m not sure. Hell I’m not even sure if it still exists after the reset. I only mention it to boost my e-cred. Also as a weak prelude to the main topic of this column.
That topic being…wrestling has lost its interest for me.
It’s happened before. I started watching wrestling when I about 13. I stopped when I went away to college. I started watching again when I moved back to Chicago. The reasons are different this time, and with some in-depth analysis, hopefully I can provide an enlightening look at what appears to be a growing, but not anywhere near critical problem, to not just the WWE, but all of wrestling in general. Lack of interest in the product. In fact, the last actual show I watched was the Raw after Wrestlemania, and that’s because I had tickets to see it live.
I tried to watch last Monday’s Raw (Jan 10, 2011), but well, I flipped around instead.
Let’s start back in the past and work our way towards the present.
I stopped watching wrestling for the first time around 1990 or so, around the time I went off to college.
Tangent:
For those who did the math, yes, I am old. Get over it. In fact, here’s a chart. Do some more math and realize that almost half the wrestling audience is over 35 ([url]http://www.ddtdigest.com/anderson/demograp.htm[/url]). You got a problem with those stats, take it up with Arn Anderson. I dare you. I double dog dare you, you pussy.
Back on track:
Back in those days, there was basically no internet. It was just what you saw on the TV, and read in magazines. The Observer was around, but was pretty obscure, and I had never heard of it. Hell, I was still ¾’s mark. Common sense told me some of wrestling couldn’t possibly be real, but the majority ruled for the most part.
So, stuck with just TV, I had a hard time finding time to watch the show. It was college. Life was happening, and trying to stay current with wrestling was just NOT a priority. When I did manage to catch a show, it was usually WWE. What finally made me say “forget this crap” was a match between Hogan and I think Earthquake. It was hideous. It was horrible. I got up and turned off the TV and decided to try and cure my hangover some other way.
So, to sum it up, I stopping watching wrestling for two reasons.
1) Life
2) Bad Wrestling
I barely remember any of the angles from that time period. Occasionally something will flash and I can recall what was going on, but I didn’t pay too much attention at the time. It was the “Big Match” that mattered and the build was just that. Building to the match. I’m sure a lot of careful thought went into that process, but only the really big stuff sticks. Macho and Elizabeth, Hogan and Mr. T and Roddy. Flair and the Horsemen, Magnum TA and some of the Von Erics stuff. I do remember hating Dusty Rhodes with a passion.
Bottom Line: Angles not that important to me at the time.
The wrestling had gotten to the point of ridiculousness. Two big slow guys eating up ten minutes of time with rest holds and cheap heat. Just painful to watch. Scratch that. Pain would have at least kept me awake. It was boring.
It took Mike Tyson and a casket dragged through a cemetery to reignite my interest in wrestling. Wrestling had become so interesting that I finally shed my markdom and dived right into the interwebz to learn all I could about wrestling. In a few short years I was writing a weekly column about it.
So, what changed?
I followed the sport as closely as I could. Hell, I even learned the names of moves. I will say up front, I never got into the indies. There are some lines I just will not cross. I didn’t get into the international scene. I just stuck with WWE. Well, I went with WWF and WCW, and ECW before they all became one, but basically, what was shown on TV. I browsed the web for news about the shows, which led me to this site.
Once I started writing, it was officially over. I was no longer a mark, and started to become a full-fledged member of the IWC. Writing about it meant I watched the shows, and then spent time thinking about it and then, spent even more time putting those thoughts into a semi-coherent format, spice it up with some entertainment, then spend way too much time coding. I still hate coding. I fucking learned HTML so I could post a column. About wrestling. Nuff, said.
Just to make this seeming tangent relevant, what I am attempting to establish is the fact that for a number of years, I was not just dedicated to watching wrestling, but to reporting on wrestling. I was fascinated by the money making machine that wrestling was, and to an extent still is.
It was a hell of a ride. It was a great time to be a fan. From a historical perspective, I got to watch the death of WCW. I got to watch ECW grow and flourish and then crash. RRRRRRRRROLLERBALL! Come on, tell me that didn’t bring back some memories? I got to watch fly by night companies scramble to try and fill the void. I also saw the birth of TNA, and frankly, am still amazed that they’re still going. I got to watch WWE deal with the internet. H and Steph take over not just on TV, but in real life. The rise of UFC. The PTC attack and retreat. Books get written by and about wrestling and actually tell the truth (Well, mostly). Basically, I got to watch wrestling grow and adapt to the new era of media. That being, an era of instant gratification. Like I said, it was a hell of a ride.
Which raises the question, what happened? When did I stop being a fan?
What the..hold on a second. I’m gonna break out some nostalgia.
Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: And With Strange Aeons even fandom may die.
There, now it feels right.
I have thought about this since I first had the urge to write a column again months ago. I was going to do something for Wrestlemania, but never got around to it. Since then, it’s an idea, but nothing really solid. However, the question did keep lingering, and while stuck in traffic after work many, many times, I had time to think about.
Tangent:
I also came up with some stellar song parodies. I’ll save those for my next post retirement column. Coming soon, circa 2016.
So, I thought about it, and these are the same reasons I keep coming back to.
Here they are:
1) The wrestling.
Yep, once again, it’s the wrestling is the number one factor that turned me away. However, this time, it’s the other extreme from the first time. Before, it was bad wrestling. This time, the quality of wrestling is very good. The influx of the Japanese mat based, the Lucha high flying and the MMA submission style has really upped the ante for general wrestling. I mean really, back in the day, a clothesline was a finisher, now it’s just a transition move.
Even though today’s wrestling is very athletic, the style itself has become stagnant. Predictable. Boring. Yep. Boring. Granted, I haven’t watched a full wrestling program in quite some time, but for the few matches I have seen, there just wasn’t anything that exciting. It all seems to follow the same formula and now just seems to be filler for the two hours the show is on.
Let me see if I can explain this a bit better. In a standard 8-minute match, the same format seems to be used. A bit of back and forth, followed by some out of the ring or cheating hijinks, a come back, followed by a win. No real surprises and the purpose of the match isn’t so much of a contest as it’s an opportunity for a wrestler to get their moves over, or work on some catchphrases. Basically, the match itself is not important, its more about attempting to get the audience interested in the characters. What seems even worse, since at least some effort is put into the match by the people actually wrestling, is the slap to the face where the outcome of the match has no meaning.
Match stipulations, like “looser leaves town” have been a part of wrestling since the beginning. However, when the looser doesn’t actually leave town and shows up next week, for a match with the exact same stipulation, well, it quickly becomes obvious that the stipulation is pointless. Jericho was fired on a weekly basis. I heard about Cena being fired and the rumor of coming back as Juan Cena. But that seems to have been forgotten. When there is no reason to fight, there is no reason to care, and with no reason to care, there is no reason to watch.
It seems to me as if the creativity has gone out of wrestling. Granted, there wasn’t a lot of it before I turned off my TV, but what wrestling did offer was that something could happen. That perhaps something might happen. In that very ring. On that very night. Now, or I should say, back then, it just seems like WWE is going through the motions.
The show could have changed since last April and the WWE could have really snazzed up the product and made it more interesting than ever. Maybe I’ve just had the bad luck of catching a few boring minutes of the show. It’s possible. However back in November, when I thought about trying to write another column, I watched an entire episode of TNA.
You know what, it wasn’t bad. I like how TNA is just ripping off every successful gimmick they could think of, but changing it just enough to not get sued by the WWE. TNA also seems to be trying to get everyone involved in an angle, some how some way. Which is not a bad thing, but it can get tangled pretty quickly. I never made it back the next week, so I’m not sure what eventually happened. I give props to TNA for at least trying to make something interesting. I will point out that the actual wrestling I saw was about the same level of WWE.
2) Time.
I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but there’s this thing called the internet. I know what you’re thinking but I’m not talking about porn on the net. I’m talking about regular network programming on the internet. To me, this is one of the best things about the internet. Being able to watch what you want, when you want it, and the limited commercial interruptions are a small price to pay. Hulu rocks.
When you have stuff to do, sometimes you can’t always get home to watch a show when it originally airs. Now, you have an option to watch the show when it’s more convenient for you. Unless that show is wrestling, in which case, you can watch a couple of clips and that’s about it. Unless you turn to torrents. The point being video on demand is not just for movies anymore. Now, more and more networks are realizing the benefit of having their shows available 24/7. For at least a limited time.
Now, you may point out, and rightly so, that wrestling has plenty of places available that you can watch matches. True, but only some matches, and for WWE, not as a cohesive unit. It’s possible to piecemeal together a couple of shows. But if you wanted to know what happened last week, it’s either the recaps, or a couple of clips. DVR’s are an option, but they are still no good if you forget, or something else happens to the device. There is something to be said for giving folks the ability to cave into their impulses and watch a show when the mood strikes them. That is the true beauty of having shows available on the net. If the show is good, the person will stick around and may even make an effort to try and catch a first run episode. If they can remember when the show is on. If not, there’s always the net.
3) Benoit.
Wrestling is just not the same after that incident. I really don’t know how else to put it but the Benoit murder suicides really took a lot of the joy out of wrestling for me. I’m not, nor was I ever, a super Benoit fan. That’s not it. It’s just the whole way it was handled, both the onscreen and the off screen actions of the WWE and the wrestling industry as a whole. I think it was the whole, “let’s get back to normal and pretend it never happened” attitude. Granted, dwelling on it wouldn’t have helped the whole situation. Yet, I think WWE could have handled it better, how, I’m not exactly sure. I don’t even remember what exactly as said or done at the time. It’s the lingering impression that I’m left with. I will say this and excuse me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see too many headlines about the Wellness Policy like I used to. I think its still in effect. I sure hope so.
4) Chicks.
I know, I know. Wrestling fans hate chicks. Always have, always will. I like them. I enjoy watching them. Yes, it’s a cheap thrill and there are definitely better ways to get my jollies, but fuck it. I like watching chicks wrestle. I like the stupid skits they used to do. Hell, I even like the silly angles they would be put into. Is it purely for the TNA factor? Yes. And No. It’s because it’s something different. It’s some heterosexual sex appeal in a homo-erotic world. The chicks have something to prove and they work harder than just about anyone on the roster to get the smallest amount of respect for them as talent, plain and simple.
I won’t even go into the unintentional comedy that come out of chick based angles that WWE has provided to me over the years. I’ll simply say that you can have sex appeal and a PG rating. It is possible.
So, there you have it. The top reasons I can think of why I no longer watch wrestling. It’s just gotten stale and boring. I still pay a bit of attention to what’s going on in wrestling. I skim the recaps. Browse the headlines. That’s pretty much it. I can now cross off my list of things to do before I die: Write a wrestling column about not watching wrestling.
Oh, and for those that have made it this far and are wondering where Kane’s House is, it’s right here.
Kane’s House
Big Show sits on his porch of his house in the sunny Arizona weather, sipping on a tall glass of lemonade. He leans back in his rocking chair and sigh contentedly. He reaches over to open his newspaper. From up the street, the sound of car brakes squealing is heard.
Big Show gets to his feet and moves to the railing of his porch and looks down the street, a look of concern taking over his face. A small blue car slowly moves down the street. It comes to a stop in front of Big Show’s house. The driver’s side door open and a middle aged man steps out and shades his eyes from the sun, even though he’s wearing sun glasses. A cloud of smoke also rolls out of the car as well. The man holds up a piece of paper, looks at it, and then looks around at the house.
Big Show: Oh shit.
The man looks over at Big Show’s house shades his eyes, and then yells out:
Man: Big Show? Is that you? HEY! It’s me! Wevv! SHOW! BUDDY!
Big Show: NO! You just get right back in your car and drive away Wevv!
Wevv starts moving towards the house, arms stretched as wide as the smile on his face.
Wevv: BIG SHOW! Old buddy! How ya been man?!?
Big Show: Don’t talk to me! Just turn around and go away!
Wevv: Is that any way to talk to your old pal Wevv?
Big Show Puts down his glass and points a large hand at Wevv.
Big Show: Friend?!? Is that what you think? Well, let me tell you something, pal! I’ve had nothing but peace and quiet for the last four years! Do you know what that’s like? I do! And I liked it! I really, really liked it! No hijinks! No run ins with the law! Hell, they’ve even taken down my picture from the neighborhood watch! You know how I know? They told me! That’s right, I can now have a normal conversation with people! It’s been paradise! So, just get back in your car, and go back to where you came from! Nothing to see here! Just a regular guy! I was finally free…
Wevv: Yeah, but we’re putting the band back together! We got a callback! Come on Show! This is huge!
Show: I don’t care Wevv! That was the Old Show! I like the New Show! You don’t need me!
Wevv: But it won’t the same! Look, Show,
Show: The answer is NO! So you can just go back where you came from.
Wevv: OK, if that’s how you feel but you could help me out and let me know where I can find some of the guys? At least let me talk to Bossman and see if he’s interested.
Show: Kane has moved in to a retirement home down in Tucson, Rey’s in San Diego, Jericho and wait, what did you say?
Wevv: I can swing down to Tucson and then cut across to San Diego, and huh? Oh, is Bossman here or is he out doing some errands? I called him first, and he told me to come over now, so, is he here or not?
Show: Wevv, listen very carefully to me. I haven’t seen Bossman in three years and have no idea where he is. So, if he told you to meet him here….oh dear god…
Big Show suddenly throws down his drink and runs over to his front door. He slams his fist against the doorframe and a control panel flips down. Big Show starts to frantically start typing. Wevv has leaned in the passenger side of his car and pulled out some maps. He traces a route with one finger and mutters to himself.
Big Show: He’s not in the house…Computer! Begin the Harbinger Protocol!
Computer: Authorization?
Big Show: Big Show Omega Six! Harbinger Protocol Activate!
Computer: Harbinger Protocol activated. You have two minutes to clear the area. Have a nice day!
Big Show: Wevv! Nice seeing you again! Maybe we do this again in another three years! Oh, and RUN!
Big Show dives off his porch into forward roll. He comes to his feet and dashes across the yard. He then leaps over a fence into the neighbor across the street’s yard.
Wevv: What the-?
Show’s head is visible as he flips over the back fence and into the yard behind that. Show then vaults that fence and keeps on going.
Wevv: Wow, look at him move!
Voice: Yeah, he’s like a gazelle.
Wevv: Yeah. Something must have spooked him bad.
Voice: He was always such a pussy. What’s up Wevv?
Wevv: BOSSMAN! HEY! How you been man?
Bossman: Ah well, you know me.
Wevv: Hey look, like I said on the phone, we got a gig lined up, something major, but I need to know if you can commit to it or not, so what do you say.
Bossman: Well about that…
In the distance, the sound of sirens.
Bossman: That’s probably me. Hey, can you hold this for a second?
Bossman hands Wevv a large canvas bag. From behind them, a loud computerized voice says:
Computer: HARBRINGER PROTOCOL IS NOW FULLY ACTIVATED! WARNING! PROXIMITY ALERT! INTRUDERS DETECTED! INITIATING DEFENSIVE MEASURES!
Gun turrets erupt from the side of the house and train themselves on Bossman and Wevv.
Wevv: Holy-!
The two take cover behind the car.
Wevv: Did you see that? You really put the fear of Bossman into Show, eh Bossman? Bossman? BM?
The car’s engine turns over loudly and the car roars off with a cloud of smoke.
Wevv: Son of a bitch! BOSSMAN! COME back here!
The sirens grow louder and cop cars skid to block off the end of the street. After Bossman has gone through.
Wevv: Shit.
Wevv opens the sack, looks inside.
Wevv: OH SHIT!!!!
Wevv slings the bag over his should and runs off after Big Show. A cop car skids to halt in the middle of the street and an officer jumps out and trains a gun on Wevv while he struggles to get over the fence.
The house starts shouting at the cops, who scramble for cover and start shooting back. In the confusion, Wevv makes it over the fence and catches his breath.
Wevv: Damn you Bossman! How do you always get me into these things?
Wevv then smiles.
Wevv: Because you’re the Bossman.
Wevv makes his less than Big Show’s graceful exit through the yards, while Armageddon breaks out on the quiet street.
The scene fades to black and…
Wevv: We go to a scrolling title sequence! So, Vince, how’s that for an opening sequence, huh?
Vince McMahon’s office in Titan Towers
Vince sits behind his desk, facing out a window, his side to Wevv, his fingers steepled under his chin. Triple H stands next to him, and on the other side, Johnny Ace, and Kevin Dunn. Stephanie sits in a chair, a child on her lap and another sitting restlessly in a chair beside her mother.
Vince: I like it-
Kevin and Johnny: Me too!
Triple H: I don’t know Dad…
Vince turns to focus his eagle eyes on Wevv.
Vince: But what’s the rest of the movie about?
Wevv clears his throat, but his partner takes over.
Bossman: It’s a slapstick buddy comedy. Wevv manages to track down Big Show and shows him what’s in the sack. Some bad guys that Bossman had dealings with catch up to them and demand they finish the job Bossman started. Wevv and Show have some hilarious adventures, but keep wind up getting in jams, only to have Bossman show up and rescue them, only to place them in even more hilarious situations.
Wevv: Exactly and the ending is Bossman, Wevv and Show all getting the better of the good guys, and learn that Bossman is actually a super secret agent, and we leave it open for a possible sequel. I think we can build a franchise.
Triple H: Um yeah. About that. Aren’t you supposed to be dead Bossman?
Bossman: Um, yes. Well you see, um, yeah, um….I had to get out of that prenup somehow, right?
Bossman and H share a laugh.
H: I hear you man, boy let me tell you, marriage can be a –
H cuts off ashe feels Steph and Vince glare at him.
H: Wonderful experience that everyone should have. Ahem! So, about the script, I think we need to make a few changes first.
Vince: Hm. Yes. I think we need a prison sequence. America loves prison and prisoners.
H: Yeah! Wevv gets caught see! And goes to prison!
Vince: I like it! And while in prison he –
H: Gets raped! Repeatedly!
Vince: I was going to say gets rescued by Big Show, who -
H: And gets raped!
Vince: No, but he does get caught, and then Bossman breaks in and –
H: And he get raped! By a gang of big black guys! In the shower! For hours and hours!
Bossman looks over at a horrified Wevv and then speaks up:
Bossman: I don’t think that –
Kevin Dunn: We can’t do that-
Bossman: Thank god.
Kevin Dunn: - and keep our PG rating. We can allude to it, but we can’t show it.
Vince: Hm. I love the prison sex, but if we can’t show it, no point in it then.
H: Fine! I’m going to help Shawn pick out outfits for his Hall Of Fame Extravanganza.
Steph: Honey, while you’re over there, can you send some of our costume designers back to the office? We’ve only had two Nexus t-shirts and they’ve been our number one group for six months now.
H: Can’t you use some of Cena’s people?
Steph: We’ve talked about that honey. John does all his own designs. So be a good boy and send our people back to work.
H: Fine.
H stomps out of the office and slams the door behind him. Steph sighs and stands up.
Steph: Daddy, I have to leave. Aurora has piano lessons. Keep me informed?
Vince: - but what about full frontal male nudity? We can do that and keep it PG-13 right? Huh? Oh, bye sweetheart! Whatever you want. So, about the male nudity?
Steph leaves. Wevv leans over to Bossman.
Wevv: I think we got them. I’ll leave the negotiations to you, BM. Just make sure we get creative control over any changes, OK? Worse comes to worst, we can always take this over to Miramax. I gotta get some air before I shank some one. And I’m not talking about with my penis, I’m talking about a sharp metal object.
Bossman: Yeah, I figured that part out. Go get some air and leave this to me, I’ll take care of it. I’m the Bossman, not the Assman.
Wevv leaves the office. He takes a deep breath and heads over to the elevator. He pushes the button and the doors slide open. Steph is inside and deep in a conversation with her phone. Wevv steps in, while Steph keeps talking and pushes the button for the lobby.
Steph: - No! Look, I’ll be back later, I have some business to take care of! …A couple of hours. OK? OK! Bye. Oh, sorry, I was in the middle of something and didn’t push the button.
Wevv: Not a problem.
Steph: Kids! You have any?
Wevv: None that I know of…
Steph: Well, maybe we can fix that this time.
Wevv: I’m Game.
Steph: I have a hotel room until 6...
Wevv and Steph start passionately making out as the elevator doors close.
The End.
That’s all folks.
Thanks for Readin’ and Thanks for Ridin’.
One more time.
Wevv Mang
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