Posted in: Doctor's Orders Doctor's Orders: June 16, 2012 - The Rise of the Union
By The Doc
Apr 7, 2012 - 7:46:10 AM
(Doc's Note - To maximize the following experience, please watch the opening crawl)
June 16, 2012
During his rise to fame in 2010, Wade Barrett made a considerable amount of money. Well, his bare knuckle fighting days must have given him brain damage, because the halfwit squandered his small fortune as quickly as he earned it. Instead of investing in a financial manager, he bought a lot of meaningless material possessions. Rather than seek health insurance, he decided to use more extravagant means of road travel. The ignoramus was audited by the United States Internal Revenue Service for not paying taxes on the money that he earned in the U.S. and incurred quite the penalty. The British equivalent of the IRS pretty much took the rest. Since it rains when it bloody pours, then he got injured and was rushed to the hospital. The WWE picked up the surgical tab, but not for the staff infection he incurred two weeks later. That second ER visit cost him a cool $20,000. Yeah, those little details are devilish, aren’t they?
These young international nitwits full of hubris; you’d think that if they had the life experience to travel to the greatest country in the world, then they’d have the sense to make a few phone calls and learn about tax laws and how to protect themselves. That’s not the WWE’s responsibility. They’re kind enough to give these foreigners a job for crying out loud. If a guy like Barrett gets hurt and misses the largest pay day of the year because he can’t work Wrestlemania, then it’s his own fault for not taking better care of himself. Check the fine print, Wade…you don’t work the big dates then you don’t get paid the big money. He knew that when signed on the dotted line and came to work. Perhaps he should have read his 200 page contract a little bit more closely.
That man is evil. His actions are deplorable. How better could you describe a man who banded together a group of foreign-born superstars for the sole purpose of bringing protection, fiscal responsibility, and cooperative negotiation to his fellow wrestlers? He’s created a group of anti-Americans is what he’s created! It’s all because he hates America! Was he rehabbing during that injury hiatus or just scheming? If you rewind the clock four weeks to May 20th and 21st, it would be difficult to imagine any other story taking precedent over John Cena. Yet, here we sit talking about this Union…a union of foreign radicals hell bent on changing the WWE forever just to serve their own egos.
We can safely say that Barrett is nothing if not crafty and resourceful. His short career has proven that he is capable of uniting men under a common objective, but he’s taken it too far this time. Here he’s got all these problems that he brought on himself and he’s going to blame the company and the CEO? That’s just vindictive. You saw the headlines…ridiculous, right? David Otunga, Esquire releases a controversial legal announcement through various internet sources that a lawsuit was brought against the WWE with international superstar, Wade Barrett as the lead plaintiff. Blasphemy! The mere thought of the WWE being an unsafe working environment that ill prepares its (foreign) employees for the transition to the highest level of professional wrestling is absurd! First of all, get it right…the WWE is Sports Entertainment. Second, Wade is an independent contractor. Even though the WWE controls when he works and how he works, he’s a damn self-employed Brit that should be thankful for his opportunity! Speaking of opportunity…he’s in the land of it. Maybe he should take the opportunity on one of his 60 days off a year and get himself prepared for working here. He and that half-Kenyan lawyer would’ve been future-endeavored if it weren’t for the all the legal hoopla.
Half the Smackdown roster is non-domestics and, hell if that Barrett hasn’t convinced most of them to add their names to the plaintiff list. Christian, Kofi Kingston, and Drew McIntyre. Epico, Primo, and Rosa Mendes. Justin Gabriel and Yoshi Tatsu, too. Hopefully, the good people here in America are smart enough to realize that this anti-American movement is no good for the WWE. Surely, the WWE Board of Directors won’t back down to the demand that Vince McMahon be permanently relieved of his duties. The Union has suggested that either Vince is gone and stays gone or nothing can ever change. Nothing can ever change? What’s wrong with the way things are? The WWE is, after all, the world’s preeminent wrestling organization.
Barrett can talk all he wants about protection, cooperative negotiating, and larger guarantees; we know that Triple H and the Board don’t collectively bargain with fanatics. We know Vince McMahon is not a guy you mess with. He bought his competition. He’s an American business icon! Only admiration and respect should be heaped upon a man who aggressively attacks his detractors. He fights fire with fire! Garishly confronting Barrett, in front of his lawyer, Otunga, and threatening to keep the legal feud going until all of the plaintiffs were bankrupt takes brass cohunes. To book Christian, Barrett, and Kingston into dangerous gimmick matches on Smackdown certainly is a punishment befitting the crime of trying to bite the hand that feeds you, wouldn’t you say?
McMahon’s demeanor toward all of this should inspire every business owner in America to stand up and wield their power gracefully and with a “take no prisoners” attitude. They say that attitude is everything, you know. It’s just sad that the other foreign-born stars that are not part of the lawsuit – like the World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus – have to be so sensitive. The Celtic Warrior went on record as saying that he didn’t appreciate it when McMahon went on a tirade about how all the superstars from outside the USA had their hand out and wanted something for nothing. In all fairness to Vince, he woke up that morning with diarrhea. Cut him some slack! Sheamus said that men like himself worked hard for the WWE to become champions. Maybe that jar of mayonnaise should thank his lucky Irish stars instead of criticizing his boss.
It matters not how powerful an entity that Barrett may have established to hasten Vince McMahon’s exit from his company. Even though Alberto Del Rio emerged as the benefactor to fund Wade’s legal team; and even though Bret “Hitman” Hart has come out to support the cause, McMahon will not rest and he will not waver until all of this Union non-sense is eradicated. We can only hope that the Union will simply come to their senses and realize the error of their ways. Given that their collective IQs cannot be higher than Vince’s alone, perhaps the powers that be can persuade the morons from abroad to throw in the towel. Maybe he can justly convince them that benefits and superstar rights don’t apply in the WWE. They’ve got their human rights…that’s not enough for them?
But just in case he cannot convince the simpletons of their stupidity, there are two Americans – TWO AMERICANS - that have banded together for the greater good. For America’s sake, we better thank the Union for attacking Cody Rhodes after Del Rio controversially beat him in a #1 contender match suggested by the Board as a bribe to get the Mexican Aristocrat to take back his financial endorsement (these lawyers and their stupid games). Lying in the grass and just waiting for a reason to strike his former adversary that once threw him down a flight of stairs, Randy “The Viper” Orton unleashed his venomous wrath and brought Sheamus and others with him to the rescue, clearing the ring of the Union. When Rhodes came to and noticed Orton, he responded with a wide-eyed stare of disbelief. The Viper simply nodded affirmatively at his former protégé. Christian, Kingston, and Gabriel emerged once again, forcing the former teacher and student to briefly fight a battle together. It’s America vs. the World and we will prevail!
Make no mistake about it; this is a battle of “us against them.” We must never underestimate Vince McMahon’s resolve or that of the American spirit. Orton and Rhodes are America’s heroes. Oh say could he see by the dawn’s early light, Orton verbally blasted the Union for using a lawsuit as a ploy to weasel their way back up the ladder to success. He cited Sheamus as an example of someone that got to where he is by doing it the old fashioned way – working hard. He called out the likes of Christian and Del Rio for being guys that had been World Champions, but could not handle losing the spotlight. Instead of scratching and clawing back to the top, they’re hiding behind lawyers. Not since 1991 and 2001, respectively, had such loud “U-S-A” chants broken out throughout an arena in the States. Men and women in the crowd wept tears of joy.
But then the evil Union executed their superior numerical strength in retaliation. There was no shortage of members willing to take out old frustrations on Orton. Otunga, Barrett, Kingston, and Christian all particularly enjoyed the savage beating they gave to their former rival. This time, it was Rhodes that came to the rescue, unleashing the contents of a fire extinguisher to clear the ring. As the debris cleared, Rhodes extended his hand to Orton. The teacher embraced his old student. No words were spoken, but their looks told the story of two men that were somewhat reluctant, but pleased to be back on the same page. Together, they will fight for Vincent K. McMahon…and for America! United, they will devastate this notion of the Union.
Tomorrow night at Vengeance, Orton and Rhodes will face Wade Barrett and Christian. For the WWE and for their country, they will seek to destroy the figurehead of a war brought against the United States of America and his whiny cohort from Canada that has always been jealous of his country’s neighbor to the south. If the heroes can take out the dastardly foreign fanatics, then peace and prosperity can once again reign supreme on Smackdown. Vince McMahon will be in America’s corner, rooting on the land of the free and the home of the brave.
(Doc's Note - If you read this as 100% serious, then I suggest you go back and read it again with a more lighthearted mindset. If you picked up on the sarcasm and read it as 100% not serious, then I suggest you go back and read it again with a more serious mindset. 50-50, here. The notion that the WWE shouldn't unionize is questionable at best; by legal definition, WWE stars are employees. I'm unsure how the WWE has escaped that in the court. If that was ever turned into a TV storyline, I'm sure Vince would find a way to make the people in support of unionizing look like the villains)