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Posted in: The Crow's Nest
The Crow's Nest - Thursday Night Tribute (08/03/12)
By TheCrow
Mar 9, 2012 - 1:07:35 AM

1) Thursday Night Tribute (08/03/12)

Video Package 1: Garret Bischoff

I try really hard to be positive about TNA, and over the past few weeks that hasn't been so hard because I truly believe TNA is finally starting to step their game up in a major way. But the fact that they're STILL pushing this idiot down the fans' throats makes me want to choke a bitch. This kid has NO charisma and is extremely limited in what we've seen of his ring ability to this point. Eric needs to wise up and see that pushing his son just because it's his son is NOT good for business.

Segment 1: Garret Bischoff (Parking Lot)

Blah blah, he's not going anywhere, so on and so forth. Moving on.

Segment 2: Ric Flair, Gunner, Eric Bischoff (In-Ring)

Three segments in a row about the same storyline? Why not.
Oh great, Bischoff Jr. is in a tag team match tonight. Because THAT'S what the fans want to see. Right? Anybody? Bueller?
"Nobody in their right freakin' mind would want to step in the ring with you." - The first thing Bischoff has said tonight that I fully agree with.
Angle's all smiles tonight. Don't really know why, given that this whole storyline is the least entertaining thing TNA has done in ages, but at least he's back on TV.
I don't know why Tenay is acting like Hogan not being here is such a bad thing. Would he really be a good tag team partner anyways? The dude can barely walk anymore.

Segment 3: Sting (Bathroom)

I guess he's back to being crazy Joker Sting again, that's cool. Although I'm surprised that someone from "the Network" hasn't stepped in and realized that a CLEARLY insane person should not be running a company.
Yup, he's certainly back to being the Joker again.
It's pretty bad when Eric Young looks sane compared to anybody.
What the hell TNA? Really? Eric Young is going to partner with ODB for a shot at the Knockouts tag team gold? Once again, I refer to my point about how someone from "the Network" should be stepping in and stripping all power away from Sting. He's clearly not right in the head.
So 11 minutes or so into the show, and the two scheduled matches are: Garret Bischoff and a mystery partner versus Gunner and Kurt Angle; and ODB and Eric Young vs. Gail Kim and Madison Rayne for the Knockouts Tag Team Championships. I really need to stop saying nice things about TNA, because whenever I do they go and pull some dumb shit like this.

Match 1: TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Eric Young & ODB VS Gail Kim & Madison Rayne {c}

At least I get to see Kim and Rayne strut their stuff tonight, that's my silver lining here I suppose.
I'd be surprised if EY did a whole lot in the ring tonight. Maybe a couple of comedy spots, but I don't see him wrestling a lot.
You know, the more I think about it the more I ****ing hate that this match is taking place. The rules for these belts are very clear and simple: to hold one of them, YOU HAVE TO BE A MEMBER OF THE KNOCKOUTS DIVISION (read: A WOMAN). Unless EY had a super quick sex change recently, this match should not be taking place.
Damn, ODB almost legit broke Madison in half there. I guess there's a reason that women her size shouldn't be doing top rope moves on top of a toothpick.
I guess I should say something positive about the match at this point, and weirdly enough it didn't take me long to find something. At least these women are all talented enough in the ring that they're making this ridiculous match work. Could you imagine WWE trying to pull off something like this? Dear Lord that would be painful.
EY's contributions to the match so far: Tie-ups with the referee, stacking Kim and Rayne on his shoulders for a helicopter spin, and a brief pin that was quickly broken up. That's it.
Okay, that spot was pretty hilarious. EY gets hit from behind with a belt (courtesy of Madison Rayne) and falls on top of Kim, who legitimately looked terrified. Seriously, you'd think EY had just whipped out his junk and tried to violate her with it. On the flip side, we now have a MALE Knockouts Tag Team Champion. Let that sink in folks. A DUDE is holding a KNOCKOUTS championship belt.

Result: NEW Champions: Eric Young and ODB (5:49)

And as if this whole thing wasn't ridiculous enough, EY drops to one knee and busts out an engagement ring. ODB takes it, paces around a bit, and proceeds to drop to her own knee and propose right back, putting the ring on EY's finger. That's right folks. Not only is EY now a Knockout, but he's also wearing a woman's engagement ring.

Segment 4: Joseph Park (Parking Lot)

Apparently Park is some kind of iMPACT official here to conduct some business. Maybe they're going to take away Sting's power after all?
On a completely unrelated note, this guy looks freakishly like Penn Gilette. I thought it was him at first.

Segment 5: Austin Aries (Backstage)

Oh thank the ****ing Lord. A-Double is in action tonight against Zema Ion, and the X-Division title is on the line.
"Do you think this scares me? This is just another bad business decision Sting. Cause I'm gonna beat Zema Ion tonight, and then he doesn't get a shot at the PPV. Which means that one of the very few reasons people have to dig in their pockets and pull out their hard earned money to watch iMPACT Wrestling, they're not gonna have it." - Aries, proving yet again why he is one of the best parts of iMPACT on a weekly basis.
This match could very well be the saving grace of tonight's show, because most of what I've seen already has made me want to insert sharp objects into the throats of the TNA writing staff.

Match 2: X-Division Championship: Zema Ion VS Austin Aries

No way that Aries loses the belt here tonight, but this is still a huge opportunity for Zema Ion. He needs to put on a great match to make people start talking about him without the name "Jesse Sorensen" being in the same sentence. Against an opponent the quality of Austin Aries, Ion is in the perfect position to do just that tonight.
I'm pretty sure that every single segment (including matches) tonight has mentioned Garret Bischoff. Seriously, that's not even an exaggeration. It's starting to get infuriating.
Kind of slow to start here, but it's still a nice start for Zema Ion. Aries is doing an amazing job of selling all of Ion's offence here.
Seriously, I can't get over just how amazing Aries is doing tonight. He is making Ion look like a million bucks.
And once again, I say something nice about TNA, and they go and pull this goofy crap. How does this match get under 4 minutes, but that joke of a Knockouts match gets almost 6? What the hell.

Result: Zema Ion wins via DQ (3:49)

Segment 6: Velvet Sky, Random Hairstylist, Joseph Parks (Locker Room)

So as it turns out, this guy isn't here to strip Sting of any powers. Nope, he's here looking for his brother Chris Parks, better known to the fans as Abyss. For some reason he thought Velvet might know something about it. Unless this ends with Joseph revealing that Abyss is actually dead, I don't care. I really don't. I've said all I can say about Abyss being useless before, and I'm just sick of hearing his name.

Segment 7: Sting, Bully Ray (In-Ring)

Yet another waste of time segment, and that hurts me to say given that Bully Ray is involved. Bully Ray wants to be #1 Contender, which is all well and good, but Sting has to come ruin everything with his Joker shtick.
Bully Ray is just way too full of homo in this segment. Repeatedly saying "I want Bobby Roode" followed by urging Sting to feel his calves? Come on bro, think about things before you say them.
Well it looks like we're getting Bully Ray vs. Bobby Roode after this break, potentially for the title? I dunno, even the announcers were confused on that point. Regardless, this is still a waste of what could be a perfectly good PPV match.

Match 3: Bully Ray VS Bobby Roode

So it's not for the title, that's good at least. I find it interesting that Roode already has his next two PPV appearances booked. He faces Sting at Victory Road, and defends his title against James Storm at Lockdown. I still don't get why Sting feels it's necessary to book himself in a PPV main event, especially when the title scene is full of deserving contenders.
The crowd's reaction to Bully Ray so far this segment has shown me something. Ray needs to cool down his comedy antics just a bit, because the crowd is starting to cheer for him as the "cool heel". He's not going to be able to be the bad guy much longer if the crowd keeps wanting to turn him like this.
Oh for **** sakes, ANOTHER Garret Bischoff reference. WE GET IT! HE'S GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME FINDING A PARTNER!
The match is about 2:30 in at this point, and the announcers have spent MAYBE 20 seconds actually calling the match. In the rest of that time they've managed to talk about Garrett Bischoff, the show MMA Uncensored, and an upcoming Bellator fight card.
The crowd continues to cheer progressively louder for Bully Ray. He really has to be careful here or TNA is going to be forced to turn him. And I doubt he could be as effective as a face.
Once Roode's schedule frees up a little bit, TNA needs to go ahead and book these guys in a real title program. For real.
Second match tonight without a real ending. Why. Why is that necessary. Thanks James Storm.

Result: No Contest (6:48)

Segment 8: Garret Bischoff (Locker Room)

Seriously? Another one?
Sounds like Garret found himself a partner, but he's going to wait for the match to reveal who it is. That is of course if anyone continues to choose to watch iMPACT tonight after the crap we've seen thus far.

Segment 9: Matt Morgan, Crimson, Joseph Parks (Locker Room)

More people shocked that Abyss has a brother. Don't really know why it's so shocking that someone has a brother, but oh well.

Match 4: TNA Tag Team Championships #1 Contendership: Robbie E. & Robby T. VS Matt Morgan & Crimson

Matching pink cardigans as entrance gear? Did these fools lose a bet or something?
I don't know how it's even possible, but Rob Terry looks like he's put on even more muscle mass. How is he even able to lift his arms above his head at this point? I'm pretty sure his chest is bigger than most porn stars' at this point.
I find it depressing that Robbie E. is saddled with such a goofy gimmick because he's really not a bad wrestler. I'm interested to see what he's capable of once this gimmick runs its course.
Finally, the perfect end to a match. The tension between Morgan and Crimson continues to build as Crimson steals the win after a blind tag. They get a title match at Victory Road, but I have a feeling they're going to come up short and end up having a proper feud against each other. Maybe the "streak" will finally end.

Result: Matt Morgan and Crimson win via pinfall (4:03)

Segment 10: AJ Styles (Backstage)

Apparently he has some surprise in store for Kaz and Daniels. Not much else to this segment.

Segment 11: Kurt Angle, Gunner (Backstage)

Did Angle really just do the homo hand flip? Yeah, he definitely did. Oh, and he also threatened to send Garret to the hospital tonight. Yup, another Garret Bischoff mention in a segment tonight.

Video Package: AJ Styles, Kazarian, Daniels

In case you all forgot, Styles isn't very happy with Kaz and Daniels. They haven't been very nice to him lately.

Segment 12: AJ Styles (In-Ring)

Man, TNA is just all about the unnecessary segments tonight aren't they? Why couldn't they just have this segment without wasting time on a short Styles promo and a video package right before it?
At least Daniels is doing his job and getting some solid heat from the crowd. That might be the one thing saving this segment right now.
**** yeah, Ken Anderson is back on iMPACT! I know a lot of you won't be sharing my enthusiasm here, but I've missed the guy.
As I mentioned in a recent column, I really hope that Anderson picks an alignment and sticks with it for a while. If he really wants to become a main player in TNA, he needs to stick with ONE character so the fans know how to react to him.

Segment 13: Garret Bischoff (Outside a Locker Room)

Man I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. Another Garret Bischoff segment, and literally all he does is knock on a door, ask whoever is inside if they're ready, and then he walks away. That's it. For serious.

Video Package: TNA Live Events

I don't know if I've commented on it before, but I absolutely love these video packages. From all that I've heard, TNA live events are a fantastic experience, and highlighting that is a great strategy on the company's part. Now if they would just come a little closer to where I live, all would be right with the world.

Match 5: Gunner & Kurt Angle VS Garret Bischoff & Jeff Hardy

Lots of time left in the show, so it looks like this torture session is going to be an extended one tonight.
Not surprisingly, Jeff Hardy is revealed to be Garret Bischoff's "mystery" partner tonight. Given that the announcers named him as a possibility earlier, this was pretty obvious.
One thing is obvious by listening to the crowd: absolutely no one gives a shit about Garret Bischoff, and the only reason they're leaving their feet is because they want to cheer for Jeff Hardy or boo the heel team. Alright I lied, a few people stood up to boo Garret, but that's about it. Seriously TNA, get him all the ****ing way off my TV.
Things More Interesting Than This Match: Watching some white guy try to grab Jeff Hardy's towel out of the hands of the black kid that caught it when Hardy threw it into the crowd. #RoleReversal.
At least it's pretty clear that Hardy is going to be doing most of the work in this match tonight.
"Maybe Eric's jealous of his son. He's never been in the ring as a competitor, and his son is doing it now." - Hey Taz, might wanna check your facts there. I'm 99.9999% sure that Eric has been involved in more than one match as a competitor over the years. Dumbass.
Seriously? Garret can't even act well enough to convincingly pretend like the ref has to hold him back from attacking Kurt Angle? How in the hell does anyone at TNA think it's a good idea to put this kid in a match?
I don't think Hardy has gotten more than a few seconds of offence in on his opponents this match, and it's going on 6:30 at this point. This of course means that Garret is going to get a hot tag and get the win. #****Logic
Even Gunner doesn't deserve to be treated like this. The dude put in solid work and improved every aspect of his game during late-2011, and he deserves some kind of reward at this point. Maybe not a title run of any kind, but at least a real feud.
For the second time this match, Garret fails to act convincingly when he's supposed to be trying to kill Kurt Angle. Seriously, it looks like he's standing there lunging his neck forwards, but the ref is clearly trying to make it look like he has to hold him back.
As predicted, Garret gets the hot tag and just dominates both Gunner and Angle. Am I really supposed to believe that an untrained wrestler is going to get the drop on both Gunner and an Olympic gold medalist?
Well at least Garret didn't get the pin there, but still. He was on the winning team.

Result: Jeff Hardy and Garret Bischoff win via pinfall


Match of the Night: Austin Aries VS Zema Ion
The match itself wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination. Basically it was just less shitty than the other matches on the card. Moving on.

Superstar of the Night: Austin Aries
That promo he cut was one of the better moments of the night. Isn't it funny how successful a promo can be when you hand a guy a microphone and just let him talk? That promo clearly had elements of reality in it, and that's what promos in the entire industry today are missing as a whole.

Asshole of the Night: TNA Creative
Broad one here, but seriously. Was there any need to have the name "Garret Bischoff" be mentioned as many times as it was tonight? And who decided it would be funny to put the Knockouts Tag Team belt on Eric Young? Seriously, there were just so many bad decisions made tonight. Ridiculous.


I don't know what the hell went on tonight, but TNA dropped the ball in a big way. They've been on a roll lately with some very entertaining TV, arguably their best run in a couple years, and then they go and pull this shit tonight? This was by far the worst episode of iMPACT this year. The matches were all subpar, the segments were mostly awful, and it's just like someone decided to take a shit on logic and flush it down the toilet.

TNA needs to step their game up again next week. People are FINALLY starting to come around and view TNA as a legitimate alternate source of wrestling entertainment. This garbage is only going to make them turn tail and run back to sucking the WWE tit, spouting off more anti-TNA trash. Figure it the hell out TNA.

That's all for me for tonight folks. Be sure to tune in next time. Until then, thanks for stopping by.


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