The Crow's Nest - Impact Review (03/14/13)
Mar 15, 2013 - 11:59:59 PM
1) Impact Review (03/14/13) (03/15/13)
I know, I know. Impact was last night, so I'm a day late with my review. My esteemed colleague (and mega Crow-wannabe) SuperChrisss went ahead and posted his on time, and I apologize for making you all sit through that. But fear not, because I'm getting ready to watch Impact right now, and you'll soon be reading the greatness that is The TNA Tribute.
So without further delay, let's get it started in here (#NoBlackEyedPeas).
Match 1: TNA World Tag Team Championship: Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez VS Bobby Roode & Austin Aries
On the plus side, Impact is kicking off with a match. On the down side, it involves the two men who try way too hard to channel Eddie. And fail.
So… I guess we're not getting a match then? I don't think I've ever been so happy to see Aces & Eights, ever.
Result: No Contest (Match Never Started)
Segment 1: Aces & Eights (In-Ring)
After a very brief beatdown of the Mexi-fools, it appears we're going to be hearing from our NEW World Heavyweight Champion.
You know what bugs me? These "fans" that watch the show through their cell phones. Do you really want to watch a shit quality video with no audible sound aside from the screaming fans around you? Just watch what's happening through your eyes, and if you want to watch it again later, SET YOUR DVR TO RECORD THE SHOW. Or download it later, either way.
Side note, I'm digging this revamped Aces & Eights theme song. Very fitting to introduce an improved version, since the group is finally complete.
Other than that one skinny idiot in the front row, these fans are booing the hell out of Bully right now. Bully is just so damn good as a heel. Despite my initial hesitance to hop on board the Bully-train after Lockdown, I've since had a change of heart. He has single handedly made me want to see where this Aces & Eights thing is going, and I did not think I'd ever say that.
I wish I had more to say about that segment, but all I can think of is "Damn". This storyline has sucked for a long time now, but Bully Ray has made it interesting again. Many people, myself included at one point, saw the result coming from a mile away, but can you deny how big of an impact it made anyways? No, you cannot.
Segment 2: Sting (Backstage)
Yo Sting, don't lose your cool on that poor water bottle because you messed up. Not cool brother.
Match 2: Gail Kim & Tara VS Velvet Sky & Mickie James
Damn, Mickie looks like she's dropped quite a bit of weight. Girl's been hitting the gym it seems. Let's see if she's improved in the ring at all.
Considering how many times the announcers keep talking about Taryn Terrell, I can only assume that she and Gail are about to feud, which means we're going to have to see the former Tiffany step back in the ring. I don't remember her being especially exciting to watch, so…this…should be…fun?
Mickie was late with that kick out, but it's Taryn's early halting of the count that made it obvious. Come on ladies, don't sink down to the talent level of a Diva.
Yup, we're definitely getting a feud between Taryn and Gail.
I'll say this much about Velvet, the fans certainly love her.
Result: Velvet Sky & Mickie James win via pinfall
Segment 3: Aces & Eights (Backstage)
Well, these guys wasted no time cracking open a few cold ones now did they?
"Call me back, and tell Dad I said hello." #ScumbagBully
Seriously. Less than a week, and Bully has already made this group interesting again.
Segment 4: Hulk Hogan (Backstage)
Well that wasn't so much a segment as it was a waste of time. Am I supposed to be surprised Hogan is backstage? He is the GM after all. Am I supposed to be surprised he's a little pissed? His daughter's heart was just broken, and his son-in-law turned his back on the family. That was a waste of 20 seconds.
Match 3: Robbie E. VS Rob Terry
Listen to those huge pops Rob Terry is getting. LISTEN TO THEM! Did you ever think you'd hear that? Hate on the man all you want, but as long as he's getting reactions like that, TNA would be stupid to waste him.
I don't get why a lot of people hate Rob Terry so much. Physically, there's VERY few people who look more legitimately terrifying than he does. No, he isn't a technical wizard, and if you asked him to pull off a corkscrew moonsault he might die, but he makes the most of what he has. He's a big dude with freakish strength, and the live fans love him. Stop your whining, haters.
Alright, that post-match dancing made me consider hating Rob Terry.
Result: Rob Terry wins via pinfall
Segment 5: Aces & Eights (Backstage)
Apparently there's no A&8 merchandise being sold in the arena, so they're going to go ahead and beat up somebody at random by pointing at a page from the night's program. Who's it gonna be?
Segment 6: Hulk Hogan, Sting (Hogan's Office)
Oh for the love of… This had better not lead to a Hogan vs. Sting feud. I'm already sick over the thought of seeing Hogan wrestle Bully Ray, I don't need this added on top of it.
Segment 7: Sting, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode (Backstage)
And my suspicions of an upcoming heel turn for Sting continue to grow. Looks like his new gimmick is getting blamed for everything Aces & Eights has done.
On the plus side, Aries & Roode continue to be one of the best things going in wrestling right now. Sting vs. Aries coming up tonight… I don't hate the idea.
Segment 8: AJ Styles (In-Ring)
Well I thought we were going to hear from the returning Styles, but instead we're going to see one of the other best things going in wrestling today, Daniels and Kaz. They're channeling their inner Road Warriors for this edition of "Throwback Thursday". Best part of it all? The painted on hair on Daniels' head.
"OHHHHHHHH WHAT A TUSH!" - #Dead
James Storm needs a new mic. That one isn't doing so hot right now. Did somebody forget to change the batteries? WHY DID YOU IDIOTS PUT PRITCHARD IN CHARGE OF THE BATTERIES?!?!? YOU KNOW HE HAS TROUBLE REMEMBERING IMPORTANT THINGS!!!!!
And…we have a match!
Match 4: James Storm VS Daniels
I thought there was a guy wearing a TRON suit in the audience, but it was just the blue lights hitting him awkwardly. Too bad there's still that dude in the ridiculous looking silver suit that keeps making stupid faces when the camera points anywhere near him.
Kind of a disappointing match so far. Just seems like a series of slow spots.
And of course, it ends in a beatdown, which means we're about to see AJ Styles make his return for the save right about…
Result: James Storm wins via pinfall
…NOW! Yup, there he is.
Come on now Storm, didn't you see Styles' beard? CLEARLY he's a bad guy now, you shouldn't have turned your back there. Wrestling 101 brother, you should attend that class.
Segment 9: Kurt Angle (Backstage)
Wes Brisco appears out of nowhere, and it looks like Angle is the name the group picked out of the book earlier. Sure enough, he distracts Kurt long enough to let the rest of Aces & Eights beat Angle down.
Side note, can we all just agree that TNA needs to cool it with all of the Bellator stuff? The constant pop-up images and the big block of text in the corner of the screen is really annoying.
Segment 10: Joseph Park (In-Ring)
Speaking of things that TNA needs to cool it with, it's Joseph Park! Remember when he was super concerned with finding out what happened to his "brother" Abyss? What happened to that?
Dude was getting zero reaction, right up until he went for the cheap "HEY I LOVE CHICAGO!" pop.
#ThankYouMattMorgan #BeardsBetterThanDanielBryans #PushThisGuy #WhyAmIUsingSoManyHashtags #ICantStop #SomeoneCallADoctor
Alright, so this explains Morgan's run-in on the Hardy match last week. I'm good with this, Morgan needs to become a monster again and distance himself from that greasy bastard Joey Ryan.
Please don't leave the ring Joseph. I would like nothing more than to watch you get a Carbon Footprint to the face.
STOP ZOOMING IN ON THE IDIOT WITH THE SILVER SUIT!
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"
Excellent, this match is about to happen. Good night Joseph.
Even better, it's not going to be a match at all. Just a kick to the head, and a booger to the vest. #ThankYouMorgan
Ah…so the match is just happening next week instead. As long as it ends with Morgan crushing Park, I'll be good with it.
Segment 11: Aces & Eights (Backstage)
This is exactly the kind of shit that the group needed to be doing from the outset. Not only does the group finally have a leader, but they now seem like a legitimate threat to TNA. These beatdowns are nothing new, but it's all about how they're done. Bully Ray is amazing. Hands down.
Match 5: Sting VS Austin Aries
"It seems to me that both these guys need to wash their feet. Their shirts say dirty heels." - Taz, making me want to take back every nice thing I've said about him recently.
If there's anyone in the company that can make Sting look like a legitimate threat in the ring, it's Austin Aries. That old adage of being "able to make a broomstick look good in the ring" certainly applies to this man.
The crowd has been solid all night, but they're really coming alive for this match.
I want to pay attention to this match, because it's actually pretty good, but that goof in the silver suit keeps distracting me. Can the camera guys please just record from the other side of the ring? That would be great.
Sting needs to consider retiring for good. He's clearly gassed already, despite Aries carrying 90% of the match so far. There's no reason for Sting to be wrestling anymore when the TNA roster is as loaded with young talent as it is. I like Sting, don't get me wrong, but it's 2013. Does he still really need to be there?
As expected, Aces & Eights come out to "ruin the show", just as they promised they'd do.
Result: No Contest
Bully Ray is only half-audible over the boos of the crowd right now. Seriously.
Looks like the last few minutes of the show are going to be spent watching Hulk hobble his way down the ramp. If I ever got stuck walking behind him at a mall, I'd probably just kill myself. Or find a way around him, I guess that would work too.
Is Hulk playing a game of "fit as many clichés into a single sentence as I can" right now? Sure seems that way.
Hey Hulk, why didn't you just do this earlier? Did Aces & Eights not piss you off enough before to give permission to the locker room to beat up the thugs? You'd think that would be the first thing you'd do when they came to the company.
I said it earlier in this review, and I'll say it again. THIS IS WHAT ACES & EIGHTS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL ALONG. We've seen them beat people up as a group before with the "good guy" at a severe disadvantage, but we're now watching them take out all of the biggest names in the company at the same time. Aces & Eights has never looked this dominant before. TNA has finally given me a reason to give a damn, and it's all thanks to one man: Bully Ray.
"That's your army. That was your cavalry. And your cavalry just got killed by Aces & Eights. What are you going to do now, DAD?!"
I'm generally the kind of guy that likes to see a lot of wrestling action on my TV. When multiple matches end with screwy finishes on the same night, or when there's only one on the whole card that gets anywhere close to "acceptable" time and the rest of the show is filled with useless backstage segments, I usually consider that episode to be a failure. At first glance, that's what tonight's show was. Very little in-ring action and a plethora of backstage segments. But you know what?
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Bully Ray has single-handedly made Aces & Eights into a force to be reckoned with, and every second he spent on screen in segments tonight served a purpose. The Aces & Eights storyline is the biggest thing going in TNA right now, and they needed to have a strong presence this week after the massive development at Lockdown. Did they accomplish that on Impact? You're damn right they did.
In one night, they took out names the likes of Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Samoa Joe, Magnus, Sting, and others. IN ONE NIGHT. Even during the end of the show, when the numbers were even on both sides, Aces & Eights came out on top. That is the kind of thing they needed from the beginning, and it's the kind of thing they need to keep doing from now on. They have a lot of ground to make up in terms of making up for the last 8 months or so, but that Impact was a hell of a way to start.
Thank you TNA.
Match of the Night: Sting VS Austin Aries
This one kind of wins by default, considering the other matches were kind of lacklustre. Aries didn't seem to be 100%, but even at 80% he's better than most of the guys in the industry right now.
Superstar of the Night: Bully Ray
I won't recap everything I've already said about his performance tonight, because that would be overkill, but if you thought I was going to give this "honor" to anybody else, you and that idiot in the silver suit need to stop spending so much time together.
Asshole of the Night: Silver Suit Guy
I hope he never goes to another wrestling event. Ever.
Well folks, there you have it. What did you all think of Impact this week? What do you think of the new developments with Aces & Eights? As always, I look forward to hearing from you all.
Also, I'd like to pass on a request to you all. I received an email recently, asking me to do a reader feedback column. The sender had a couple of questions he wanted me to answer, and that turned into a "would you ever do a reader feedback column" discussion. I've done a couple before, but usually with the goal of poking fun at some of the ridiculous hate mail I get. This time? I open the floor to all of you. Is there some TNA-related question you want my take on? Or wrestling-related in general? Are you dying to know what my favourite breakfast cereal is and whether I use 1% or 2% milk? Send me your questions, and you may be featured in that reader feedback column. Depending on how many questions get sent to me, I may not be able to post all of them in a column, but I will respond to each and every email, tweet, or comment I receive.
And with that, I'm out. Catch you all next time.
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