'Sup, Lords of Pain? So here I am back once again with another new concept. Well, when I say another new concept, what I really mean is another ripped off concept. You see this column is going to be based on a show, which is based on a variation of that show, which is based on a radio version of that show, which is inspired by something in a book which was, rather ironically, inspired by a room in the corporation that airs the eventual show that it became...
Wrestling Room 101 (CPR Productions)
Feb 28, 2013 - 3:03:53 AM
JoeyShinobi: Maz, has anyone ever told you that you’re really slow at getting to the point in these things?
Mazza: Every damn day of my life! Anyway, most British readers will have already guessed the concept from the title. For the rest of you, well I am sure you will catch on pretty quickly as we bring you...
So here’s the deal. I will act as co-host, along with the guy who has already interrupted me once, JoeyShinobi...
Joey: Thank you, thank you. You know, for a co-host, you seem to be doing a rather disproportionate amount of talking, and you haven’t even had the decency to introduce our man behind enemy lines friendly neighbourhood bear, ChrisBear. How are you, Chris?
ChrisBear: I’m splendid thanking you kindly. I’m still in shock I was awarded a Valentine’s card stating I was the World’s best boyfriend, it’s quite the honour. To think I was planning a special surprise of shooting her in the face.
*awkward silence, as the rest of the panel cringe*
Anyway, hadn’t you better explain the rules?
Mazza: Yes, probably a good idea. So myself, Jozef and Christofferson will be the judges. Each edition shall see a guest come in and nominate three things they would like to put into the mythical Room 101, where bad things shall happen to it. They will make their case and if they can get two of the three judges to agree with them, it will go in. Simple enough, right? Now all we need is the guest. Joey, I believe you made the arrangements.
Joey: I did. I spent days chasing our first guest. I felt we needed someone who could appeal to readers of all ages and tastes, someone with ideas that split opinions, and most importantly, someone we actually like and likes us. Unfortunately, that proved to be an impossible set of criteria, so we've gone with bringing back Priest. Welcome to Room 101, Priest. Have a seat. Take a biscuit.
Chris: Except the Wagon Wheels. Touch the Wagon Wheels and it’ll be YOU that ends up in Room 101. Now you’ve been warned it’s a pleasure to welcome Priest back before his promotion to Pope. So Mr Priest, lets get straight on with it.
What’s the first thing you want in wrestling’s Room 101?
Priest: Thanks for the introduction, chaps. I would say what an honour it is to be the first guest on the show, but given I’m the biggest name you could attract for its debut, I’m guessing I’m going to also be the last guest...
Now, the first thing I want in Room 101 is simple. Since the introduction of Sky+ (or DVR or whatever the cool kids call it), man has had the ability to skip through the pointless crap they consider a waste of time. For me, this has meant skipping through basically every tag team match on RAW since 2005. What have I missed during that time? Absolutely nothing.
To a degree, every wrestling match follows a similar formula. However, tag team matches take this to a completely different level. The promising start for the good guys, the dastardly blindside by the bad guys, the beatdown, the hot tag, the comeback. Do we really need tag team wrestling in the WWE these days?
Mazza: YES! YES! YES! Of course we do. Tag team wrestling may be formulaic and have certain things that are a given in the match but there is a reason why. It is a base that has worked again and again over the years. For me, without these standards, tag wrestling can be pretty lame. The problem the tag division had for a long time is that the teams didn’t really know how to add to this formula and work around it. This is a problem that has changed in the last six months or so as Hell No have excelled putting their Anger Management into the schedule whilst teams like Rhodes Scholars, Prime Time Players and 6-1-Botch have brought that old school flavour mixed in with their own new school flavours to the division. For me it has helped get the tag division to its most interesting point in well over a decade, maybe even two.
Joey: I think if you had showed up anytime in the last 8 years and asked this question, you might have had some support. I’m actually with you, though - while it is, and always has been a vehicle for getting less established stars over without having to throw them to the lions, as it were, the people involved are guilty of some very, very lazy and unimaginative booking ideas that, as you rightly say, make practically every tag team match boring and predictable. Just because there’s more focus on the tag team division doesn’t make it more entertaining. The backstage interactions between the partners tends to be the entertaining part these days; the Anger Management segments, Sandow’s promos, I think back to Cryme Tyme’s word of the week segment...but the matches are sorely lacking, when they should be at the very least complementary to the angles. I think there’s a place for tag team wrestling, and I have enjoyed it in the past, but WWE’s interpretation of it is devoid of creativity these days, and I would quite happily see it disappear into the depths of Room 101.
Chris: It’s a sign of the times I’m afraid, we don’t have people teaming for a few years before they join the big leagues. Teams like The Rockers, Road Warriors & The Headshrinkers perfected their craft day in day out, learning what they did well together. Mostly we get two people put together, the chances of that instant chemistry are slim to none. I hold out hope though, Team Hell No and several others have made the division significant again, and over in NxT there is the potential to make it great again. What I’d like is an older team, such as The Headshrinkers or New Age Outlaws get involved and have the younger teams learn from them. For me, I’m saving this from going into Room 101.
TAG TEAM WRESTLING - SAVED FROM ROOM 101!
Priest: Moving on, next on my hit list is a group of people that have irked me for a couple of years now, but more and more with each passing appearance from The Great One himself. Since Rock’s return, we’ve heard people bleat time and time again that he is only coming back for the money, and most frustratingly criticise him for not working a full-time schedule. Yet, does Chris Jericho, for example, get half as much stick as The Rock? No, and all he’s doing is making music with his average (at best) band. People expected The Rock to come back and it be like The Attitude Era all over again, which was an unrealistic dream. For me, The Rock coming back is pleasing enough, but some people will never be happy despite Jericho doing the exact same year in, year out. Why the love for Y2J and not the same for The Rock?
Chris: So you want to put in the people having a go at the Rock for not giving a shit about WWE in years, then coming back to beat the top guy... Then going away for ages... Then coming back to beat the guy who held the title for a record amount of time... Then changing the belt.... AND headlining Wrestlemania. Fuck no, I’m one of those guys, so there is no way I’m putting myself in.
Yeah, Rocky sells tickets. Does he need to be champion to sell tickets? NO. Does he need to beat all the top guys whilst still being a part-timer? NO. Does any Rocky match need to have a title to be a draw? NO. I was a massive Rock fan back in his day, but now he’s out-dated. His poor jokes and need to rest every 5 minutes make him a shadow of his former self. He has a place in the current scheme of things, that’s for sure, but it’s not where he’s being put. Jericho is a whole different story entirely, he always comes back, always helps the company out, and more importantly, doesn't expect to be given the top guy schtick on a plate, probably because he knows he couldn't be that guy. Lastly, because he takes off only a few months at a time, the rest does him good, and in the ring, he doesn't miss a beat.
Mazza: Almost all of the IWC is very hypocritical in nature. I count myself in there. I see myself doing it but say “what the hell” and carry on. It is easy to throw that argument out when it is not you doing it but you have to remember that if you live by the sword, you can also die by it. That said, if I get slain at a later date, fair enough, but I think I am going to have to vote pro-Priest on this one. Why? Because I am a huge Rock fan. Always have been. Always will be. Does it hurt me a little that he did nothing for the company for so long? Yes. Does it irk me today that even when he is about most weeks, he’s pretty much just spouting off promos when I’d rather see him squashing midcarders? Yes. But he is generating a lot of buys for the company and he is making the product better. Now I can understand the point of view for people who haven’t been enjoying his work and are against him. If it was just throwing the Rock haters in Room 101 I’d be against it. But if there are people out there that are praising Jericho for the way he is conducting his career and criticising Rocky in the same breath, then yes, I do agree they should go in.
Joey: Because when Jericho comes back, he gives the fans everything. He wrestles on TV, he wrestles at house shows. He comes back whether he’s going to be in the main event at Wrestlemania or not. When he is on the roster, he is a fully integrated, full-time Superstar, which Rock will never be again. Also, the IWC is notoriously hypocritical; they demanded CM Punk be pushed to the moon, and when he was, suddenly they’re all too cool to like CM Punk now. Or, he was buried.
With that said, I don’t agree with The Rock getting such a bad rap for his occasional performances; he never pretended he was going to be there every week, he doesn’t have to show up at all, and there’s no doubt he’s both a financial asset and a performance asset. Chris is right about Rock not needing the title to sell tickets, but I think it says a lot about his love for the industry that he still wants to be WWE Champion. However, he seems to have forgotten that Jericho himself came back last year and was inserted straight into a program with...the WWE Champion. Jericho and Rock offer different things in the twilight of their in-ring careers, and both should be valued equally...so I guess I agree with you. If we’re talking about Rock’s detractors, then yeah, they can all fight among each other in Room 101. Although, if I know Chris, he’ll be one of the last men standing.
CRITICS OF THE ROCK’S SCHEDULE - CONSIGNED TO ROOM 101!
Priest: Lastly, I want to put in Room 101 whoever the fuck decided to not give Ryback the title, or at least a meaningful storyline, towards the back end of 2012 and into this year. From pretty much the summer onwards it was painfully obvious CM Punk would lose to The Rock, before Cena would redeem himself at WrestleMania and avenge last year’s loss. Yet, Ryback’s momentum should’ve ensured the WWE changed their plan. For the first time in years, a genuine star looked likely to be made, yet for some inexplicable reason, Ryback’s momentum was brought to a sudden halt. The WWE have had ample opportunities at the Rumble and Elimination Chamber to allow Ryback to break the shackles, yet as we head into WrestleMania, I genuinely have no idea who he’s going to face. Unless he takes on The Streak, I don’t see any storyline befitting of what this man has achieved since the summer.
Joey: It’s incredible really; Ryback has been one of the most over guys of the last 6 months or so, and to think that Jack Swagger and the former Black Hole of Charisma, Alberto Del Rio will be filling a headline slot at Ryback’s expense (not to mention Daniel Bryan’s) is, well, mindblowing. Either the Creative team need to go in, or Ryback himself does, because there’s been a major cock-up somewhere along the line.
Chris: Agree with Joey here to certain extent, it’s amazing that some of these guys are getting catapulted above him. That being said, I believe they wanted to keep him on RAW due to his popularity, which in turn shows how much they value the WHC. The WWE title is different, he was never going to be a better champion than Punk, in terms of matches, or bums on seats. Overall though, I’ll be throwing them into Room 101 by their scrotum for killing the momentum he had.
Mazza: Yep, whoever it is has got to go. Probably followed by a pissed off Mr Reeves who’d like to feed on them. I understand why he didn’t go over Punk. With Rocky coming back it was counter productive. I like the fact that the Shield have been continuously winning as well. But all that together has seen him lose at 5 consecutive PPVs in one way or another. The only PPV wins he has under the Ryback character are the his early handicap squashes. How he still garners a reaction is beyond me but not as much as the fact that he wasn’t put into a program with The Big Show for the World Heavyweight Championship. It seemed like a no-brainer when Sheamus dropped the title but that wasn’t the case. I really can’t see anything he does at Mania that will help him now. Some fucker has totally bungled the Ryback push at every turn and there is only one place for him to go.
WHOEVER THE FUCK IT WAS THAT DECIDED RYBACK SHOULDN’T BE A WORLD CHAMPION - CONSIGNED TO ROOM 101!
Chris: So, what was put into the inaugural Room 101? I’d read all the above but you three bore the shit out of me.
Mazza: Pretty sure it’s Priest’s fault. He’s all depressed since the Pope resigned. First love’s forever and all that malarky.
Joey: Hey, did you hear about that actress who got stabbed, it was in the news. I forgot her name, she was in Cruel Intentions. It’s Reese... What's her name?
Chris: No, with a knife you dick.
Joey: Maz, for a guy who relies on so many other people to write your columns, you aren’t very good at wrapping them up. Or starting them. Or, well...
Mazza: To be fair, I’m not sure how to follow that joke. But I guess you are right, it’s time to put this pilot edition of Wrestling Room 101. I hope we haven’t blown your minds too much! A big thanks to our guest, Priest and my apologies about my co-hosts. I shall try to kick them into shape so they are a tad more civilised next time out. Feel free to let us know your thoughts on whether we dealt with the subject matter correctly in your eyes. You can use the comments section below or alternatively write to Chris at the following address:
℅ HM Prison Service
You can also send applications to appear on Wrestling Room 101 to this address. That is all from us but be sure to catch us again next time. Peace!
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