November 2011 COTM - The Bright Side: The Vince Who Stole Christmas (and mizfan's Christmas Wish List)
Dec 21, 2011 - 2:18:22 PM
Down in Smarkville
Liked Christmas a lot,
But the Vince,
who lived just north of Smarkville,
The Vince hated wrestling, the whole rotten sport!
I cannot tell you why, no I swear I cannot.
Well it could be, I guess, that his pants were too tight.
His giant grapefruits made pants-shopping a terrible fight!
But the most likely reason? I think it would be
His evil heart was enlarged by steroids, two times or even three!
And the muscles that were too big in his heart
Squeezed out all the love, and made him a mean old fart.
So this Christmas story, you know where it’s going!
Sure enough Vince went down, when it started snowing,
To Smarkville, to ruin the holiday cheer,
His day wasn’t complete without filling a child with fear.
He terrorized the children, it wasn’t PG,
From his “Kiss My Ass Club” both the old and young would flee!
And when all of the marks had hidden or gone,
The Vince chuckled to himself, and took a dump on Hustle’s lawn.
Then he ravaged the town and stole their Christmas gear,
And he turned to escape but he had no reindeer!
But the Vince wasn’t stopped, no he wasn’t held back,
He rode off on the back of ol’ Shane O’Mac!
As they rode through the cold, the Vince opened the sack
That he stole from a particularly annoying brat.
And from deep in the bag he deftly withdrew
A letter to Santa. Vince knew what to do.
He ripped the letter open to throw it away,
But he couldn’t help seeing what it had to say.
It was filled with young wishes and childish delight!
The Vince’s curiosity put up a tremendous fight,
The Vince finally gave in, he just had to know,
And so as he sat on his son, flying through the snow,
He perused the letter with a glance, very curt,
To see what the fans wanted this year. What could it hurt?
As I’m sure you know, since you know everything(?), I’ve been a very good wrestling fan this year. I don’t chant Cena sucks, I don’t fall asleep when Randy Orton comes on, I don’t usually wish death on Triple H… all in all, I’m probably one of the most cheerful guys in Smarkville. But since I’ve been so good this year, I figure I have some brownie points saved up with the big man in red (meaning you, Santa, not Kane… though if Kane is reading this ZOMG U ROCK!), so I might as well get into the Christmas spirit and start selfishly demanding things. I hope you can help, Santa, you’re my last hope!
1. Hire someone to savagely beat the writing team every time they fail
I don’t know if the problem is lack of accountability, lack of motivation, low expectations, or what, but if McMahon is even halfway serious about moving away from sport and closer to regular entertainment, there’s really no excuse for gaping plot holes, segments that drag, jokes that fall flat, and characters without any consistency (or any personality at all, for that matter). Even if the WWE doesn’t want to make that move, it’s still good advice. There’s really no excuse for the shabby condition of much of the booking. The performers shouldn’t have to work harder to overcome the writing as a handicap.
2. Could we please not have Triple H vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania?
Their match Wrestlemania 27 definitely divided people. Many call it a strong match of the year candidate, some were bored out of their socks. I didn’t really care for it, but that’s not the reason this is on my wishlist. There’s just no reason to see this again. Even if you liked it last year you know it’s not going to be as good, and I just can’t for the life of me figure out what purpose it would serve. In an era desperately in need of new stars, taking your two biggest veterans and pitting them against each other AGAIN is the stupidest plan I can think of. If Wrestlemania was in need of a big marquee match, then I could see it, but unless you have severe dementia you probably recall that The Rock vs. John Cena will carry the day in that department. For god’s sakes, let’s build some new legends before the old ones literally fall apart in front of us. Which brings me nicely to my next point…
3. Build some new fucking stars already
The sad thing is, we had this problem right around this time last year as well. Instead of getting better, if anything it’s gotten worse. This year we lost Edge, Undertaker and Triple H making it quite clear they’re done with full time wrestling, and we had long periods of injury from big names like Big Show, Kane, and Rey Mysterio. The only name that has been elevated even close to that top level is CM Punk, and to be honest the rug could still get pulled out from under him at any second. WWE’s weird fixation with futilely pushing Alberto Del Rio and the age old problem of overprotecting Cena and Orton has completely handicapped the making of new stars this year, especially with so few over main eventers left for the new ones to make their name against. WWE has a whole host of midcarders with the potential to reach that level if given the chance, but that’s just it. You have to give them a fucking chance. Sheamus, Cody Rhodes, Christian, Bryan, Barrett, possibly Ryder, and definitely Ziggler and Miz are all names that leap out at me, but they’re seriously lacking the credibility of the roster of years past. Time to make some names, WWE.
4. Stop trying to push Ted Jr
Normally I’m not one to ask for WWE to release people. I can usually find something about everyone to rationalize their continued employment. I wouldn’t even wish Jinder Mahal into oblivion. But for god’s sake, WWE, stop trying to push Ted Jr. It’s just not going to happen. Yes, I know at Elimination Chamber in 2010 people popped for him for about a second, but let’s be honest, every attempt to make Ted relevant after that time has ended in boring failure. He couldn’t cut it with the millionaire gimmick, as a racist, with Virgil, with Maryse, as Million Dollar Champion, as a US title contender, or as Cody Rhodes’ sidekick, and the “DiBiase Posse” won’t work either. Ted’s not even a bad wrestler, he’s perfectly fine if nothing special, but his lack of charisma is just astounding. If WWE had spent the time they did on Ted on any competent midcarder, he’d be a world champion by now. I know you don’t want to hurt his dad’s feelings, WWE, but please… just knock it off.
5. Get Michael Cole out of the fucking booth (and Jerry Lawler, also)
When he first turned heel, I thought it was brilliant. Michael Cole has always been extremely hateable, and it was time to make some money from it. His transition out of the booth into a managerial role should have been swift after Lawler first punched Cole in the jaw and the crowd exploded with joy. Instead it’s a year later and he’s not only still at it, he’s now spread across all WWE programming like a cancer. He doesn’t even try to do the job of a commentator anymore, and to be fair he isn’t being asked to, but no matter who is giving Cole his marching orders it’s really terrible for the product. Cole’s heel act would be excellent in small doses but stretched across every second of WWE programming it’s truly awful. Jerry Lawler isn’t nearly so overexposed but he’s just as useless as Cole at this point. He doesn’t get wrestlers over, he doesn’t call the match, he doesn’t even really discuss any angles. He tells really awful jokes, cackles and calls Vickie fat even though his own bowling ball butt is about three times as large as hers, and ineffectually bickers like an old woman with Cole. It’s not as pronounced, but in his own way he’s just as bad as Cole and what’s worse there really isn’t anything to do with him. I’d almost suggest he go back to wrestling, as his simple but effective punching style proved very entertaining early this year and he’s still over like crazy. But even when he spent all of Raw squealing about breasts he was more useful than he is now. The fact that Stanford, Striker, and Regal are all sitting in the minors right now is a fucking crime.
6. Hey, remember when we were gonna revitalize the tag division? Let’s do that.
I’ve sort of given up on the divas, which is sad in a way but it makes me happy because now that I’ve given up it can’t hurt me anymore. But I still hold out hope for the tag division, maybe because I truly love tag wrestling and think the belts should be considered right up there next to the world title, simply because they really represent a completely different type of wrestling. Now, I don’t harbor any illusions that WWE will let them get that high, but I know we can do better than what we’re doing right now. I remember all the reports earlier this year that with Triple H taking on more backstage duties, one of his goals was to revitalize the tag division. So what the hell happened with that? “Air Boom” is the only notable team we’ve got, which I suppose is better than the zero teams we used to have. The Usos and The Colons 2.0 are sort of around but let’s face it, no one really cares. The WWE is filled with wrestlers with nothing to do. Why oh why can’t we just make some teams and let them chase the title around for a while, and not have them nonsensically turn on each other after six months? I know, I’m asking a lot. But this is Santa, after all. If anyone can make it come true, it’s him.
But most of all, Santa, the greatest gift of all would be…
7. For the love of god, somebody put a scare into the WWE
How did Hulk Hogan get so popular? The WWF was forced to pull out all the stops to overcome the establishment of companies like the NWA and AWA and become the #1 wrestling company in the country. And how did we get the Attitude Era? The WWF was pushed into a corner by WCW and had to pull out all the stops to survive. I’m not asking for the return of the Attitude Era, the death of PG, for TNA to move to Monday nights, or any of that ludicrous shit. And I don’t expect TNA or ROH to overtake the WWE in popularity, well, ever. But I just want somebody to make the WWE worry. WWE really has nothing to scared of at the moment, as UFC has proven at worst a pretty slow drain on their fanbase, if they’re even really affecting them at all. Something has to put WWE on notice so they get their shit together again. I still enjoy the current product but there’s no doubt that it could be a lot better than it is. I want that energy back.
I don’t know if anyone can help, but Santa… if you’re out there, if you’re real… I’m putting my faith in you.
The Vince put the letter down, with a trembling lip,
He felt his nasty resolve starting to slip,
This boy wasn’t asking much, just pouring out his heart.
Maybe, it’s time for the listening to start.
The Vince turned Shane around and they went back to town,
He was intent on bringing back smiles and abolishing frowns.
Shane landed in Smarkville and the Vince jumped to the ground,
The gaping Smarks didn’t make a single sound.
The Vince grinned ear to ear, with joy in his heart,
But then some strange feelings began to start.
Did we mention his heart? That might be crucial
In explaining why this little act turned out futile.
What happened then?
Well, in Smarkville they say,
That the Vince’s large heart
Blew out three chambers that day.
Being happy was something he just couldn’t do,
He’d been consistently grumpy for a decade, or two.
But fortunately for Smarkville he’s left us an heir,
One with wrestling experience and epic facial hair.
I’m sure that the H will be much better, you know.
Just think of how well all his storylines go!
Well, it might not be better, but just the same,
Merry Christmas to all, now it’s time to play the Game!
Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas LOP