NOTE FROM MORPHEUS: Every month in the LOP Columns Forum, there is a vote to determine which columnist had the best month out of all the writers in the forum. The winner of Columnist of the Month is then given the opportunity to post one of their columns on the Main Page. In May, this honor was bestowed upon mizfan. I am pleased to present to you his main page effort, which I just spent the last four and a half hours coding for him, despite the fact that I am moving back to the U.S. in about 16 hours. Dude owes me a sammich. Congratulations, brother.
The Bright Side: Only a Day Away
(Credit to Crown, for inspiring this column)
MIZFAN THEATRE PRESENTS: LITTLE ORPHAN Z!
Opening Night, Bro!
(The Superstars Orphanage. 3 a.m. Sometimes in 2012…)
Trent Barretta: (having a nightmare) No! No! Stay away! Don’t job me to Abyss, please!
Tyson Kidd: What’s going on?
Tyler Reks: Oh, it’s just Trent having that stupid nightmare again.
Trent: No… Ric Flair is bleeding everywhere…
Yoshi Tatsu: Someone shut him up!
Tyson: Hey! Hey wake up! You’re not in TNA! It’s ok!
Trent: no I don’t want to play Orlando Jordan’s lover… (wakes up) oh. Was I doing it again?
Chris Masters: Only every freaking night.
Tyson: Oh lay off him Chris! We’re all scared that… well, that no one will ever come for us. That we’ll never have… pushes.
Zack Ryder: Don’t talk like that bro!
Zack: What up, broski?
Trent: Oh Zack I’m so glad you’re here… we can’t sleep. Can you tell us the story?
Yoshi: Yeah the story!
Zack: Ok, ok, settle down… Once upon a time, there was a big star named Edge. And I happened to look a lot like Edge. So he adopted me, took me into his familia, and we were all very happy together.
Reks: I love that part.
Zack: But one day, Edge was thrown into hell, and our familia was no more. I was dropped off in a place called “ECW”.
Tyson: That part makes me sad.
Zack: But before I went, Edge promised to come back for me someday and help me find my push. And I just know that someday he’ll come back for me!
Masters: I had a push once. (All the jobbers crowd around)
Reks: What was it like?
Masters: It was wonderful. I wrestled John Cena. I main evented pay per views. I broke Steven Richards’ weird long face in half. It was so great. But it’ll never happen again! None of us is ever going to get pushed again.
Zack: Don’t talk like that! You’re scaring Trent. I just know my push is out there… somewhere…
*sings* (From the song "Maybe" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3IOgOeEEa4 )
Maybe far away,
Or maybe real nearby,
I could be wrestling John Cena!
Or countering the 6-1-9!
Standing in the ring,
The ref’ll hold my hand high,
I could be knocking out Orton,
Or sucker punching A-Ri!
Betcha I’d win!
T-shirt’s I’d sell,
I’d say “Woo woo”
When they rang the bell!
I’d please all the smarks
(They already love me)
To the people of Jersey
A hero I’d be!
It is almost my time!
And maybe live on Raw,
They’ll all be chanting “woo woo woo!”
I could be champ!
Or at least midcard,
I could open the show
Is that really so hard?
Even tag belts,
I’m better than the Corre!
I don’t really care
It will lead to more!
So maybe just this prayer,
Oh you know it, Lord,
Won’t someone please come and push me?
Zack and All the Orphans:
Drew McIntyre: WHO THE FECK IS DOIN’ ALL THIS SINGING?
Zack: Oh, kill the beat. It’s captain buzzkill, broskis.
Fun Killer, Extraordinaire
McIntyre: All right, you little shits. Triple H has put me in charge of you fecks because he trusts me-
David Hart Smith: More like forgot about you…
McIntyre: ARG SHUT UP!!!!!!! (Future Shock DDT to Smith) Anyone else? (silence) Good! Now Triple H has put me in charge of you sorry lot because he trusts me, and as long as I’m in charge there will be NO FECKING SINGING! Now GO WRESTLE THE PRESHOW!
Tyson: (prods Smith with his foot) Um, I think he’s dead.
McIntyre: I don’t care! Nobody cares about you lot anyway!
Trent: That’s not true! The internet fans love us, and someday someone will push us!
McIntyre: Heh. Heheheh. HA. HAHA. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE INTERNET FANS! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Do I have to remind you lot of THIS man??? (points to a picture of Kaval) Eh? Remember what happened to him?
Masters: You DDT’d him on the floor and no one ever saw him-
McIntyre: NO. SHUT UP. HE QUIT CAUSE HE’S A QUITTER. He couldn’t wait for his push to come and he quit, he wandered out there and no one has seen him since. Anyway, enough talk. Go warm up the crowd and then be forgotten again. Mwahaha! (The jobbers grumble as they warm up for the pre show)
*Song begins* (From the song "Hard Knock Life" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KOpU6YqnBY&feature=related )
It’s the hard knock life for us.
It’s the hard knock life for us!
‘Stead of matches
We get squashed!
‘stead of angles
They say “get lost!”
It’s a hard knock life!
Got no politics, and so
Down to jobbers we must go!
Put guys over
Face or heel!
It’s one “Raw” deal!
It’s a hard knock life!
Don’t it feel like the (sledge)hammer’s about to fall?
Tyson & Yoshi:
Don’t it feel like the ceiling’s made of steel?
Masters & Reks:
Makes you like going to Ring of Honor!
‘Cept they don’t pay enough to buy a meal!
No one sees you when you’re wrestling awesome!
No sees you if you suck and fail.
You may know it but nobody else does.
This same old shit is getting stale!
Get pinned every night!
Never get to fight!
Maybe we’ve seen the light,
That Low Ki had it right!
Title match we never get.
Title match? Sounds nice, I bet…
Cause no one cares where you are,
When you’re here on Superstars!
(With thick Scottish accent) You’ll bust your ass, so the brass
Can yak away doing their promos all night!
Set his kilt on fire, that dolt!
(Accent) Rotten little jobbers!
Stuff that accent down his throat!
(Accent) You’ll never make it!
Hide a joint in his stuff, we’ll say he’s stoned!
(Accent) I’m the chosen one!
To kill his push, just give him a microphone… (wink)
You know it!
It’s a hard knock life for us!
It’s a hard knock life for us!
Cause no one cares where you are!
When you’re here on Superstars!
It’s the hard knock life!
It’s the hard knock life!
It’s the hard knock life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
McIntyre: WHAT THE FECK DID I SAY YOU STUPID BASTERDS??? (Jobbers grumble and go back to work)
Trent: Hey Zack! Now’s your chance! (Triple H walks by)
McIntyre: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP (runs after Triple H)
Triple H: (tries to avoid Drew, fails) Oh hey… uh…
Triple H: Yeah, Drew McIntosh, right?
McIntyre: …………..Yes! That’s me! Drew… McIntosh.
Triple H: Right. So… we should… catch up sometime-
McIntyre: (overlapping) Have a PPV match together, I couldn’t agree more!
Triple H: Oh, yeah… no… (Ryder hides in the trunk of Triple H’s DX tank as he gets into it)
Reks: Does he just drive that everywhere now?
Masters: I guess the sledgehammer wasn’t compensating enough anymore…
Triple H: Look McIntosh, I have to sign more botchy Mexicans and admire my big shiny muscles. But I’ll see if we can get you… I dunno… some sort of computer gimmick. How do you feel about wearing a giant keyboard costume to the ring? We’ll call you the Internet Wrestling Computer, and I can squash you every week.
Triple H: King of Bookers
McIntyre: That…….. sounds….
Triple H: Great. I gotta run, peace out bitches. (drives away)
LATER, AT THE HOME OF WARBUCKS MCMAHON
Vince: Hunter! Don’t park your goddam tank on my lawn!
Triple H: Oh my god… you’re… still alive?
Vince: Stop making that joke goddamit!
Triple H: (mutters) joke my ass… (Triple H wanders away, then Zack pops out of the trunk)
Vince: Who the hell are you?
Vince: …That is not a word.
Vince: That is even less of a word.
Vince: I guaran-damn-tee that’s not a word!
Zack: Woo woo woo! You know it!
Vince: Hahaha, I like you, weird little man. Come live with me forever, I need a new non-muscley son. Ever since… Shane… SHAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!! (Vince falls to his knees in rage and regret)
Zack: Whoa. Did he die or something?
Vince: Worse… he’s helping his mother. Apparently he didn’t want to be on a TV show with his old man’s naked butt anymore…
Zack: Pause. What?
Vince: Nevermind, we’ll get to that later.
Zack: Awesome. Also, I found this guy in the trunk! (Curt Hawkins pops out of the tank as well)
Zack: Can we keep him?
Vince: Mangy thing, isn’t he?
Zack: No way broski! He’s like totally adorable!
Vince: Oh, ok. But you have to remember to feed him and walk him and love him forever.
Zack: Woo woo woo!
Hawkins: Um… I’m totally a person, you guys.
Zack: You know it! (looks to Vince)…but he doesn’t. Don’t mess this up for me bro.
Hawkins: Um… bark.
Zack: I think I’m gonna like it here!
Vince: Ahaha… you, uh, you know it!
Zack: Awesome, broski.
Father of the Year?
BACK AT ON SUPERSTARS
McIntyre: Hey, didn’t there used to be more of you?
McIntyre: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH you thought I cared! Idiot.
Off stage voice: May I have your attention please!
McIntyre: Gaaaaaaasp! Could it be? (Michael Cole and Jack Swagger enter)
Cole: The main event… has arrived!
McIntyre: My evil friends! How are you?
Swagger: Actually, not so-
Cole: We’re fine, shut up bitch. So Drew, what have you been up to?
McIntyre: I’m main eventing… (long pause) Superstars.
Cole: Ouch. What happened to you?
McIntyre: I have no idea! One minute I was on the fast track to success, and then suddenly… (Sees Cole & Swagger sleeping)
Cole: (mutters) Oh Grandma Lawler… yeah, kiss my foot…
McIntyre: HEY! WAKE UP WHEN I’M TALKING!
Cole: (starting awake) Oh? What? Right. So, let’s figure out how to get back on the main show!
Swagger: Aren’t you already on every show… ever?
Cole: Hahaha… yeah. But you can never. Ever. EVER. Have enough Michael Cole. You stupid bitch. (Swagger does a frowny face) So Drew, there’s this new guy hanging out with McMahon. Called me broski. I threw up in my mouth a little.
McIntyre: Oh son of a bitch! That’s one of my little turd guys!
Cole: What? How did a superstars bitch start hanging out with the big man?
McIntyre: Fecked if I know. He always says Edge is going to come back and push him…
Cole: With a crappy beard… and an Edge t-shirt… you’d be the spitting image of Edge himself.
Cole: No. But Vince doesn’t really pay attention to… things. Shut up, I’m a genius! I’m a genius!
Swagger: I don’t know about this…
Cole: Shut your pie hold, Swag-face.
*spoken* Zack: Woo woo woo!
Cole: Ah! What the hell are you doing here? This is my big number! Time for the main event!
Zack: Broski. Nobody wants to hear from you… and you know it.
Cole: Just you wait for our evil plan in Act II!
Swagger: Nothing. Dammit, how did I get sucked into this musical mess? Next scene dammit!
Cole: No I want to sing! I’m the main-
Why do you hate me? I just want to sing!
BACK AT VINCE’S MANSION
Vince: Zackie my boy, I’m really starting to like you.
Zack: Woo woo woo!
Vince: My god, you’re like Ric Flair only three times as good!
Zack: You know it!
Vince: Haha… catchphrases. Anyway, I’ve seen you carrying around that ratty Internet Championship, and I think its time you had a REAL championship! So here is the Intercontinental Championship!
Wade Barrett: Hey!
Vince: Shut up, Nexus guy!
Barrett: For the last time, that’s not my name! Stop calling me that!
Vince: Sigh… HUNTER!!!
Barrett: My name is Wade Bar- (Triple H rides his tank through the wall and crushes Wade Barrett)
Triple H: What?
Triple H: Cool. I’m going to go make the Chaperone 2. “That better be your fanny pack!”
Vince: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (turns red laughing) HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH THAT’S SO GODDAM FUNNY
Triple H: I totally know.
Vince: (crying with laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA… oh man… fanny… ha…
Triple H: Peace out, grandpa. (He crashes through the other wall on his way out)
Zack: You live in a weird house.
Vince: Hahaha… fanny means butt…
Zack: Right… so, you were giving me something?
Vince: Huh? Who are you? Oh right, skinny son. Here, have this title.
Zack: Woah bro. I can’t take that title.
Vince: What? But… but anyone can have this title. Like seriously, anyone. I made my dog Intercontinental champion for 3 weeks, and NO ONE NOTICED.
Zack: No bro. It’s not that. I’m waiting for my real push. Edge is going to give it to me when he comes to find me.
Vince: What the hell is Edge.
Zack: Tallish guy… sort of lanky… sort of had a crappy beard sometimes…
Vince: Oh sex guy? Yeah, I saw him around here somewhere.
Zack: Really! Oh bro, we gotta find him! He promised to come back and help push me… someday…
Vince: Well then, by god, we will find Edge and we will find… your true push!
*Song begins* (From the song "You won't be an orphan for long" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NTAWbiqfZY&feature=related )
If he should need the FBI,
Then he shall have the FBI!
Nunzio: Whaddaya want?
Triple H: CRUISERWEIGHTS!!!!!!!! (He chases Nunzio off with a sledgehammer)
Pat Patterson & Johnny Ace:
Until not an indy promotion is left in business!
He will search everywhere,
And he will find it, we swear!
Oh you won’t be a jobber for long!
Where other men would call it quits and disappear,
He’ll use his fortune and his… wits?
So never fear!
Cross the street,
Or cross the sea,
Zackie, sweet, we guaran-
That you won’t be a jobber…
Tomorrow morning it begins,
You’re with a man who ALWAYS wins,
Stick with him and you can trust,
The competition he will CRUSH,
Oh you won’t be a jobber,
No you won’t be a JOBBER-
(Austin stuns every single member of the cast to signal intermission)
If you’re ready for intermission, give me a hell yeah!
*In the audience*
Scott Stanford: So, what does everybody think of the show so far?
Miz: I don’t know what the fuck I’m watching.
CM Punk: This is the worst crime in theatre history.
Alberto Del Rio: Terrible… but you already know that.
Christian: I had more fun in the WWE in 2005.
Randy Orton: I WANT… TO PUNT… THE CHILDREN.
Stanford: …you are not well. And what about you sir?
Great Khali: Blooga blagga yabadaoo!
Stanford: By god, I think he likes it.
R Truth: Me! Me! Interview me! It’s a conspiracy.
Stanford: Sigh… yes, Mr Truth?
Truth: Needs more little Jimmy’s! You should be booin’ yoself!
Stanford: Charming as always.
Triple H: (with a false mustache… on top of his regular mustache) I think it’s really good, especially this “Triple H” I keep hearing about. He should probably win ever Oscar and is way cooler than the Rock.
Stanford: Well, Oscar’s are only for movies, but at the risk of losing my job I won’t be telling him that. And yes, I’m being told most of the cast has regained consciousness, so let’s get back to the action.
Vince: (rubbing his neck) goddammit Austin… uh, anyway, we were doing some… thing…?
Zack: Find my push?
Vince: RIGHT, right. Ok folks, I’ll give a Wrestlemania main event for whoever finds Zack Ryder’s push!
JR: A real one, or like an Alberto Del Rio one?
Vince: Hahaha… we fucked that spic good. Ahaha- (sees ADR frowning in the audience) so we could… um… build him up for… later… um… yes… anyway, go find that damn push before I get bored.
Triple H: Too late.
Zack: I got just the show stopping number to cheer everyone up!
Triple H: Boo! More Triple H! Boooo!
Zack: Broski… you’re onstage. Right now.
Triple H: ………………….riiiight. Proceed. As long as everyone can see me.
Offstage voice: You can’t see me!!!!!!!!
Vince: Oh my god! It’s the president… of thuganomics!
John Cena: (Cena wheels on stage in a pimped out wheelchair) THE PRESIDENT IS HERE! YOUR TIME IS UP, MY TIME IS NOW! YEAAAAH! (Cena throws his hat, shirt, and then gets up and throws his wheelchair into the audience, injuring several people)
Audience: LET’S GO CENA! CENA SUCKS! LET’S GO CENA! CENA SUCKS!
Cena: ….really? We’re at a damn theatre, can’t you people give that a rest?
Cena: Fine… We’re at a POOPY theatre.
Cena: (pouts) This sucks. Imma turn heel in a minute here…
Vince: Hey! Nix on that heel turn stuff! Those t-shirts don’t sell themselves.
Zack: YO. Focus? Is this my show or what? Bitch on your own time, broski!
Cena: Right. Little Orphan Z, I’m the president of everything, and I’ve put on my most formal jean shorts to help you find your true push.
Truly presidential attire.
Zack: Awesome, bro. I’ve got a song just for that…
*sings* (From the song “Tomorrow” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PzL8aL6jtI )
My…. Push will come through, tomorrow!
Bet your dropping buyrates that tomorrow, it will come.
It’ll be woo woo woo, tomorrow
Clear away the squashes and the sorrow,
When I’ve won!
When they’re taking my signs, and give me no lines, and forget me,
I just pop on my headband, and grin and saaaaaaaaaay,
Ohhhhhhhhhhh my push will come through, tomorrow
So you better check out Raw tomorrow,
Where I’ll saaaaaaaay,
Woo woo woo! You know it! They’ll all know, tomorrow
It’s only a day away!
When I'm stuck with a bro, who's low, and boring (sorry Primo),
I just pop onto youtube, and grin and saaaaaaaaaay,
Woo woo woo!
My push will come through, you know it!
So, Zack Pack, just hang on til tomorrow,
come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, my broskis, tomorrow,
It’s only a win away,
Tomorrow, tomorrow, you’ll know it tomorrow,
It’s only a woo away.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll make it tomorrow,
It’s only a day-a-waaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
(Wild applause breaks out. Many in the audience are in tears, moved by the indescribable beauty of the melody)
Triple H: You like that slop? Then you’ll love this!
I’m Triple H and.. dadada doo, um…
Time to play the game…
Triple H: CHEER YOU BASTARDS
Vince: That was a fine song, young man. Now let’s find your true push-
Offstage voice: We’re here!
Vince: Well, that was easy. Goodnight everybody!
Zack: Woah, hold the phone broski. Let’s wait and see who it is?
Vince: Fine. But we need to wrap this shit up, I need to get home and watch Impact. Funniest show on television. Heehee! They think they’re people. So anyway, who’s there?
(Cole leads McIntyre and Swagger onstage, dressed as Edge and Vickie)
Cole: Hello everyone! I’ve found Edge and Vickie, Zack’s true parents.
Zack: Hm… first, not looking for my parents bro. Looking for my push. Secondly… are you retarded.
Cole: No! Its really them! See? Hey Vickie…?
Swagger: I don’t wanna.
Cole: Haha, she’s so, ha, VICKIE, don’t you have something to say.
Swagger: (deadpan) …excuse me.
Cole: See! It’s definitely them. So Vince, about that reward…
Vince: I might be old, insane, evil, and afraid of the internet… but I’m not stupid.
McIntyre: No, I really am Edge! Look I’ll have a live sex celebration! (McIntyre grabs Tiffany, who punches him in the jaw and lays him out cold)
Cole: Ooooh… this is not good.
Cena: YOUR TIME IS UP MY TIME IS NOW (Cena picks up Cole and Attitude Adjustment’s him through the stage)
Cole: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oh hi Batista OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… (distant splat)
Swagger: Holy crap. Um… don’t kill me? I was just following what Cole said.
Cena: Hm… ok. I will spare your life.
Swagger: (falls to his knees) Oh thank you, thank you! (Suddenly Randy Orton charges onto the stage and punts Swagger. Bones snap and Swagger goes limp)
Vince: …the fuck?
(Audience erupts into wild cheers)
Vince: Even I think you people are sick.
Randy Orton: Hero to Millions, Murderer
Orton: AAAAARGH I’M SO FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME
Triple H: I know buddy, don’t worry. It’s not like you hurt anyone who mattered. (Leads Orton offstage)
Zack: So now that the murdering is over, where is my real push?
Vince: Oh Zack. I’m so sorry. Your real push died a long time ago.
Vince: Yeah, Edge retired and went away. We have his brother Christian if you want him?
Vince: I know, right? That’s what I said! But the damn internet people are all butthurt about it…
Zack: So, why didn’t you tell me before?
Vince: Shit, son, I’m lucky I remember your name. Also, we never planned to push you. At all. Ever.
Zack: Aw… snap. That’s some lame shit, broski.
Vince: Indeed. But all that was once wrong is now right! You will get your long deserved push, and everyone will rejoice!
Zack: Woo woo woo! And my friends?
Vince: Of course! I will give pushes to all of them!
Orphans: Hooray! (Yoshi Tatsu, Tyson Kidd, Trent Barretta, Chris Masters, Tyler Reks, and David Hart Smith all rush onto the stage)
Vince: Come one! Come all! All will be well with the world!
Cena: Presidential fist pump!
Zack: And what do you think Curt?
Hawkins: I hate you.
Zack: Don’t be that way bro!
Hawkins: …woof woof woof.
Zack: You know it! ONE MORE TIME!
We’ll love you, tomorrow
You’re only a daaaaaaaay aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!
Zack: You know it! Peace out broskis!
(The performance met with rave reviews. The next day, Zack Ryder and all his friends were released from the company)
Zack Ryder: The Coolest Man in the Unemployment Line. You Know It!