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LOP Columns Forum May 2017 Columnist of the Month - SkitZ Returns to The Altar (Ranking the Weddings) by Skitz
By Steven Bell
Jul 14, 2017 - 6:16:23 PM

Each month in the Columns section of LOP Forums, we hold a competition to determine who was the best of the previous month. In other words, the Columnist of the Month. The winner earns the right to present you, the Lords of Pain main page audience, with an example of their work, laying the foundation for what will hopefully, eventually be a permanent spot on the LOP Columns roster.

The month of May was special, as it saw the return to the fore of a familiar name. He wrote here on Lords of Pain for years as Skittlez but now writes under the name Skitz because... well... he's unoriginal and he likes fruity candies and stuff. Either way, he came roaring back through the gates in the Columns Forum a couple months back and wound up getting the win for May's contest after a particularly strong month of writing. He then took so long to get this to me that he messed around and won the June contest, as well.

I could let this serve as both his May and June contributions, but I'm not letting him get off that easy. So expect to see Skittlez again soon with his June Columnist of the Month column.

If you would like to write for Lords of Pain, the path to doing so starts with the Columns Forum. You can visit it and begin your own journey by clicking the text below.


Columns Forum





SkitZ Returns to The Altar
(Ranking the Weddings)





Despite having said the “I Do’s” before, marriage just doesn’t seem to agree with me. I can’t even wrap my mind around tying the knot without a relationship coming undone so why bother getting strapped down? Besides, a younger SkitZ gave it his best shot when he proposed to an Asian chick years ago and she had a mean streak as long as Asuka‘s. For the longest time, I would beat myself up over pinning my hopes on such an unrealistic goal but you live and you learn. Much like my buddies Steve and JSR, I too am a product of divorce. Some marriages simply aren’t meant to last and their success rate in wrestling speaks for itself. My sister and her fiancé (who remind me a lot of the “It” Couple because they’re so damn self-absorbed) recently made it official and I couldn’t help but take a stroll down misery lane. I soon found that reminiscing about wrestling weddings made me feel loads better about my own shortcomings in life.

So naturally, I felt compelled to compile a list and rank them. Let the record show that I excluded Rusev & Lana because their wedding shenanigans on RAW last summer were more of a re-enactment (plus why paint Reigns as the good guy when he clearly portrayed the villain in said scenario?).


_________________________________________






18. Uncle Elmer & Joyce (Saturday Night’s Main Event - 10/5/85)

If anyone’s wondering why WWE avoided doing another wedding ceremony for almost 14 years, well… here’s your answer. I would say nothing of significance really happened during this segment but as it turns out, the wedding was legit. And furthermore, Elmer and Joyce remained together until his death in 1992; proving that love can conquer just about anything besides a stroke. And yes I realize that joke was in poor taste but the ones Vince kept feeding Ventura on commentary were far worse. I’m assuming Uncle Elmer wore full length overalls for the occasion to cover up his shaky legs because he appeared nervous as hell (which I don't blame him for after having caught a quick glimpse of the bride's face underneath that veil). At one point, Elmer stops reciting the pastor’s words and just starts making up his own. Piper objects half way through but gets chased off by Hogan who’s working security because you know, he needs the extra money. Andre was on hand as well but either couldn’t find a big enough tux or didn’t give enough fucks to dress up.





17. Johnny Curtis & Maxine (NXT - 1/18/12)

Speaking of not caring, this wedding took place before the Network launched so you can imagine how little thought and execution went into it. The decor really sums up how shitty and low budget this segment is as a whole... waste of everyone's time. Shit, you’d swear someone just ran in the ring and teepeed it during a commercial break. Apparently Maxine used to date Derrick Bateman but discovered that he sent an email to Teddy Long in an attempt to sabotage her career (as if she had one at that point). Therefore, Maxine decides to marry Johnny Curtis out of spite and Matt Striker does such a terrible Elvis priest impression that you don't even realize it's him until he shows his true colors.

Bateman interrupts the ceremony with video proof of Curtis going through his locker and sending the incriminating email which is comical because it only takes Johnny about five seconds. Like what terrible things could he have possibly typed in such a short time span!? While all this is happening, Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are running down the whole segment on commentary (clearly not much has changed). Curtis is caught with his pants down, a scuffle ensues, Maxine slaps Bateman and then kisses him. She’s so done with Curtis and so is the crowd with this sham of a wedding. Now having read that, can you really blame those two for leaving WWE shortly thereafter? Kudos to Catrina and EC3 for retreating to higher ground. Fandango is but a Tyler Breeze injury away from sinking to new lows.





16. Daniel Bryan & AJ Lee (RAW 1000 - 7/23/12)

Due to the crazy nature of their relationship, I had fond memories of this wedding until rewatching it a couple days ago. The segment just seemed incredibly tame for these two and with it being such a hot angle at the time, Vince naturally had to run in and stomp out the fire. I do love Bryan bearing his soul to AJ though just for her to confess that’s she’s already accepted a proposal from another man. And it’s well done because Lee had been jungle gyming most of the RAW roster so you had no idea who she was crawling into bed with. Of course they fuck the whole storyline up by revealing that it was you-know-who all along.





Given VKM’s predictable tendencies, I should’ve realized which direction they were heading in but AJ becoming RAW General Manager blindsided me a bit. Her tenure as an authority figure not so much seeing as how we’d seen that movie a dozen times before and it never ended well. Lee continued to be a thorn in Daniel’s side for the next couple months but this is the night WWE poked a hole in their twisted love story. And if that wasn't deflating enough, Bryan's evening would go from bad to worse; getting insulted by Charlie Sheen and beaten up by The Great One in front of a worldwide audience. D-Bry truly hit rock bottom and with AJ refusing to marry him, it's no wonder the dude became obsessed with saying "yes".





15. David Flair & Stacy Keibler (Nitro - 9/11/00)

Right before the ceremony, Stacy’s handed some express mail backstage and the look on her face says five words to me: she ain’t marrying this dude. Keibler puts on a fake smile however and walks that aisle. Then right on cue, Arn and Naitch are summoned to the ring by David. Ric cuts a promo about this not being about The Nature Boy but spends the next five minutes talking about himself. Moments later, the Charlotte Police Department arrests Naitch who apparently violated Vince Russo’s restraining order by entering the arena and this is suddenly starting to make perfect sense. Stacy pulls a runaway bride but David tracks her down in the locker room and convinces Keibler to go through with the wedding. So Stacy (who‘s pregnant with Flair‘s child) has to walk back to the ring which I totally don‘t mind because her legs are as fine as the day is long.

When the priest asks the million dollar question, Keibler raises her arm and explains to David that she’s been knocked up… by another man! What a bombshell, right? I’d unload a round in her too if given the chance. From what I gather, either Naitch or Russo were supposed to be revealed as the father but the storyline got scrapped. That led to Stacy admitting the pregnancy test was false, ditching David and rendering the entire angle pointless. This disjointed storyline is textbook WCW and lands in the junk heap along with every other garbage idea from that era. The single greatest thing about David Flair was this column Cult Icon wrote for the LOP Grand Prix in 2014 (which you can read by clicking here).





14. Paul Vachon & Ophelia (Tuesday Night Titans - 12/14/84)

This one’s a hot mess that concludes with a giant food fight at the reception and Vinnie Mac skating around the floor on cake frosting. The actual wedding is just as sloppy and chaotic of course but it’s littered with little gems like Ventura snatching the bouquet from the midget flower girl and Blassie caning the ring bearer who takes a hilarious bump on the floor. George “The Animal” Steele walks Ophelia to the ring and behaves himself for a couple minutes before tearing apart the wedding set because character commitment still mattered then. Finkel is great here too as he treats it like a wrestling match that’s “for one fall with an infinite time limit”.

The star of this segment though (the wedding reception in particular) is undoubtedly Dr. D who’s the 80s version of Steve Austin. He rips into the bride and tears her to shreds; calling Ophelia stupid, ugly and practically useless. Vachon just stands there frozen which prompts Vince to step in and he exchanges heated words with Dr. D. Things cool down eventually after someone gets pie faced and the mess hall quickly degenerates into an elementary school cafeteria. Nobody takes this wedding seriously which is what makes it so much fun. Vince literally has his cake and eats it too. And while indulging himself, VKM even stoops to new lows (and he’s been belittling midgets ever since).








13. Edge & Vickie Guerrero (SmackDown - 7/18/08)

Wrestling stables were originally intended to get everybody in the group over but that never was the case with La Familia. Breaking from tradition however, I love that the Ultimate Opportunist squeezed some use out of those handful of jobbers and used Vickie to further his own career. We’re shown a short video of the wedding from earlier in the day before Edge and his new bride are accompanied to the stage by their entourage. Chavo (the best man) makes a toast to the married couple and hopefully Guerrero cherished that moment because it’s the only decent screen time he’d receive for the next three years. Meanwhile, Zack Ryder can be seen in the background quietly smiling and doing nothing which describes his career perfectly.

Triple H emerges to break up the love fest because he’s a heel at heart and shares some damning footage of Edge putting the moves on Vickie‘s best friend Alicia. But honestly, can you blame the Rated R Superstar for forcing himself upon that foxy little lady after staring at Guerrero’s ugly mug for the last eight months? Gah sorry that’s single, douche bag SkitZ talking. Anyway, this would result in Vickie sending Edge to hell in a handbag (ala the HIAC match with Taker at SummerSlam) so at least it served a greater purpose. I wouldn’t call this segment money but the way Edge sells it, as well as the facial expression when Hunter busts him, is priceless.





12. The Undertaker & Stephanie McMahon (RAW - 4/26/99)

24 hours earlier at Backlash, Vince had left Steph unattended in a running limo while he returned the Smoking Skull Championship to Austin. Those brief couple minutes were all Taker needed to commandeer the vehicle and take Daddy’s Little Girl on a joyride to hell in a scene straight out of The Bone Collector. Braun tipping over the limousine would’ve been even better but the shot of Undertaker whipping his head around and asking “where to, Stephanie!?“ is pretty awesome in its own right. So the following night, The Ministry straps Steph to the crucifix symbol and she doesn’t seem very into this bondage stuff.

As Taker’s minions carry her to the ring, I can’t help but derive some sort of sick satisfaction from seeing Stephanie in a vulnerable position for a change. To millennial fans who don’t know any different, I swear she wasn’t always so overbearing. When Paul Bearer starts reading passages to commence this unholiest of unions, Ken Shamrock and Big Show try stopping it but they both strike out. Things are looking grim for Steph when Stone Cold suddenly arrives and saves her from a surefire gangbang. Steve rescues Daddy’s Little Girl and J.R. claims he did so not for Vince but because it was “the right thing to do”… Yeah, because WWE was all about morals in the late 90s.





11. Al Wilson & Dawn Marie (SmackDown - 1/2/03)

As an easily excited teenager, I had a hard time watching this storyline play out because of the blue balls it gave me. The Dawn/Torrie hotel room segment lured adolescent SkitZ into ordering Armageddon 2002 under false pretenses; much like a porn site that promotes free content right before asking for your credit card information (sorry about those charges, Mom). Then the focus shifted from HLA to Marie marrying Torrie’s dad which did nothing but turn me off. Dawn vowing to do the wedding in the nude gave me a glimmer of hope but Stephanie squashed that shit immediately. And might I say how hypocritical it was of McMahon to preach censorship considering her tits were practically falling out of every shirt she wore on TV.

Nevertheless, the sight of Dawn in her bra and panties made me stiffen up until she stripped Al down to his tighty whities. Wilson declares his undying love for Marie (some of it unintelligibly) who’s too rough on the old man’s heart during their honeymoon and kills poor Al. This leads to an open casket ceremony the following week where Dawn and Torrie can’t even let Wilson Sr. rest in peace without disrupting his wake with a cat fight. I almost referred to Al’s death as untimely but, given his age and several other factors, it couldn’t have come soon enough.





10. Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth (SummerSlam - 8/26/91)

While we’re spitting truth, this wedding gave me cottonmouth as I sat there slack-jawed waiting for something interesting to happen. Despite the “match made in heaven” only resulting in me swallowing a few flies, I knew it would bug people if I ranked this any lower. Admittedly, I don’t share the same appreciation for Macho & Elizabeth’s onscreen marriage as those who grew up watching the couple. I didn’t live and breath it so muttering anything besides boredom for this ceremony would simply be me blowing hot air.

The Deadman would thankfully liven things up by knocking the wind out of Savage with a steel chair during the reception. And Roberts - being the party animal that he is - presented the newlyweds with a snake because heaven forbid he spend any of his drug money on an actual gift. This wedding served as kind of a bad omen as Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth would divorce in real life just a year later. I’m sure he meant it to sound sincere but hearing Savage say his vows in character made this whole charade impossible to take seriously. Randy staring at his beautiful bride and then leaning on the audience for their approval had me like:








9. Goldust & Aksana (NXT - 11/2/10)

With the Lithuanian at risk of being booted back to her home country, Goldust stepped in and settled the immigration issue by proposing to Aksana. I actually found myself in a similar situation a few years ago (only the roles were reversed). Through the wonders of a dating app, I befriended a Polish girl named Joanna who didn’t appear to have any ulterior motives… until Trump became President and she practically begged me to marry her. Unlike Goldie though, I didn’t put a ring on it and fought off the urge to throw Joanna my kielbasa. Aksana’s Pro couldn’t resist the power of European poon however and went through with the wedding.

Cue the plot twist. Ted Dibiase Jr. paid off the preacher to object unless his Million Dollar Championship (which Goldust had stolen) was returned to its rightful owner. The rest of the Rhodes family is on hand and there’s a moment where Cody and Ted lock eyes as if to say “We were main eventing RAW against DX like 10 months ago… What the fuck happened?”. Dusty grabs the mic and explains that he had a backup plan which is revealed to be the Million Dollar Man who’s an ordained minister. Dibiase Sr. sells out his son, weds the odd couple and Goldust leans in for a kiss; only to receive a slap from Aksana. He served that bitch divorce papers a couple weeks later. I can’t imagine how many people she stroked backstage to keep her job for another 4 years. Nah that’s a lie. I can picture it perfectly.





8. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon (RAW - 2/11/02)

Never a dull moment with these two, is there? I kid. If a 20-minute Authority promo isn’t enough to make you change the channel, just wait until their three daughters are running RAW. When triplets of Dixie Carter are one day controlling the world’s largest wrestling company, we’ll reflect back on moments like this fondly when WWE was a bit more business casual. Hunter’s return in early ’02 caused quite the dilemma because of he and Stephanie’s clashing dynamics so management had to split them up somehow. She baby trapped Trips by hiring an actor to play a doctor and feigning a pregnancy. Most men would take off after being blindsided with such earth shattering news but Hunter took it in stride and agreed to renew their wedding vows.

Like a typical politician, Linda would call Triple H and throw her daughter under the bus. It gave The Game all the ammunition he needed though who let Stephanie spew her bullshit before blasting the bitch with straight truth. Vince steps in to defend his daughter’s honor but fails miserably and nearly botches the pedigree! Hunter saves it though, plants McMahon into the mat and pie faces Steph before leaving. Her primal rage in the aftermath reminds me of every girl I’ve ever dumped. No matter how you handle it, the reaction is generally just as unpleasant as Stephanie‘s.








7. Bully Ray & Brooke Hogan (Impact - 1/17/13)

Following weeks of speculation, The Hulkster learned about his daughter’s secret relationship with Ray and suspended Bully because Hogan knows best. Nah I’m just kidding (that show totally sucked). Impact on the other hand had hit its stride because of the run Bully Ray was having along with the growing influence of Aces & Eights. After saving Hulk from another beatdown, Ray was reinstated and wasted no time proposing to Brooke. The impromptu wedding didn’t go over well with The Hulkster but he accepted it. Had his daughter been marrying Devon instead, I’m sure Hogan’s reaction would’ve been… a little more colorful. He’d walk Brooke down the aisle however in all their orangeness and hand her off without tanning anyone’s hide.

Kudos to Hulk for not making an ass of himself and butting in during the ceremony. That part was left to groomsman Taz who snatches the mic from the priest and says he has two questions. His first is if Bully really wants to go through with the wedding and I laugh when Taz tells Brooke this is none of her business because it definitely is. He then asks if anyone else is burning up from the sweltering Florida heat and removes his tux to reveal an Aces & Eights jacket! Taz basks in the spotlight until his friends arrive and give Ray a shiner with a wedding pedestal to the face. Hogan gets beat up too but he’s old and slow so that’s no surprise (although I half expected him to hulk up and squash the entire stable). The real winner here is Bully who used Brooke to get in tight with Hogan so he could inch closer towards the TNA World Title. And as the world would see at Lockdown 2013, Ray’s plan worked to perfection.





6. Teddy Long & Kristal (SmackDown - 9/21/07)

Damn Bobby Lashley looked a lot smaller and wrinkly back then. The last couple years have obviously been kind to him. This particular wedding has aged incredibly well. I’d even go as far as to say it has a higher replay factor than the gif below (don’t scroll down just yet). WWE went all out for Teddy’s marriage to Kristal as evidenced by the aisle being filled with chairs. The entire SmackDown roster showed up as did ECW’s in what had to be the best use of the brand during its’ brief existence. Vince’s involvement is the biggest shocker though. I didn’t even think he worked Tuesdays.

The bride comes out and trips going up the stairs which has everyone struggling to keep kayfabe alive. Long helps her into the ring and we’re finally underway… until The Godfather shows up to talk some sense into the groom. Teddy’s being a playa hater but pretty much every other guy in attendance hops aboard the ho train and leaves the arena. Then Coachman takes off after Hornswoggle with Mr. McMahon in tow because Vince’s midget humor knows no bounds. Order is finally restored as Teddy prepares to say his “I Do’s” but suddenly suffers an episode. Upon realizing that by saying yes his wild sexcapades will become a thing of the past, Long experiences a change of heart(beat) and hits the ground like a sack of raisinets.








5. Kane & Lita (RAW - 8/23/04)

For any relationship guru who claims that opposites attract, this match made in hell begs to differ. They detested each other which I assume had something to do with Kane beating up Lita’s actual boyfriend, impregnating her and forcing the fiery redhead into marrying him. This whole angle was so awful, it almost began to feel like an extension of the Katie Vick storyline (and if you look hard enough, I’m sure Triple H can be seen lurking in the background during a few of these segments wearing a Kane mask). Try as he might, Lita’s true love can’t wrestle her away from the Big Red Monster because well, he’s Matt Hardy.

Kane beat him in a “Til Death Do Us Part” match at SummerSlam 2004 to earn Lita’s hand in marriage and is it any wonder why she willingly cheated on Matt shortly thereafter? Hardy couldn’t even pry her away from Kane’s clutches during the wedding ceremony without getting chokeslammed off the stage. I mean a boyfriend’s gotta be a little more reliable than that, doesn‘t he? The only thing you could count on here was the unbridled hatred between Kane and Lita which they summed up pretty well in their vows. Shit, Matt was such a crappy boyfriend that Lita eventually grew feelings for her dastardly baby daddy!





4. Braxton Sutter & Laurel Van Ness (Impact - 2/23/17)

At the insistence of my pal Mizfan, I gave this a looksy on YouTube and he was right. This wedding is one of the last great segments TNA produced before Impact completely tanked. There’s several different factors at play here but the focal point centers around Sutter’s impending marriage to Van Ness who treats him like more of a fixer-upper than the man of her dreams. Laurel’s vows are comically demeaning towards Braxton who appears a lot more on edge than his hung-over groomsman Mike Bennett. Meanwhile, Allie (Sutter’s real wife) is roped into being a bridesmaid by Maria who knows there’s something brewing between her and Braxton.

I suspected Allie would be the one to chime in but it’s actually Sutter who objects and declares his love for her. A brawl breaks out until Braxton & Allie dispatch of the Bennetts and they lock lips while Laurel watches on incredulously. Now perhaps I’m wrong in making such a connection but it seems to me that TNA management took the Hardy’s broken gimmick (who left the company mere days later) and tried transferring it over to Van Ness. The timing of everything coupled with her character transformation kinda confirms it for me. The dynamic between Broken Matt and Laurel in said role however is as lopsided as Kongo Kong’s moobs.





3. Edge & Lita (RAW - 6/20/05)

This one belongs in a class of its own because of how white trash they go with said wedding which reminds me… did Jamie Noble and Nidia ever get hitched on TV during their heyday? (Hopefully I didn’t leave them off the countdown by accident) Anyway looking past my shoddy research, these two were taking shots from every wrestling fan when news broke of them fucking around behind Matt’s back. Hardy was the one who leaked the story so you know what WWE did; they attempted to delete him and take full credit for the angle. Due to the crowd’s persistence though, Matt returned by popular demand (so he could put over the rising star and shut the fans up).

I do find it funny how Lita’s been involved in two onscreen weddings and neither with Hardy. Her and Edge pull a great swerve by playing Matt’s music and then not delivering but another former flame of Lita’s pops up unannounced. The camera catches Kane’s head sprouting out of the canvas like a demon seed as he grabs Lita by the ankle. The groom helps her flee to safety and Kane resorts to tombstoning the priest. This crashed wedding segued right into a bitter Edge/Hardy feud but more importantly, it gave us two more reasons to admire Lita.








2. Billy & Chuck (SmackDown - 9/12/02)

Deep down in my loins, I wanted to rank this #1 but couldn’t because WWE didn’t have the balls to go all the way with it. Billy & Chuck annoyed me initially but then their cheesy pop music theme got stuck in my head and the addition of Rico made it a no-brainer. Throughout the rest of 2002, I marked hard for the duo who became the top heel tag team on SmackDown following the Brand Extension. Very similar to MNM’s presentation a couple years later; just replace Melina with a gay hairdresser. Given how presumptuous their relationship was, Billy & Chuck’s commitment ceremony seemed inevitable but that didn’t make it any less entertaining.

Stephanie’s there to keep a watchful eye on Billy & Chuck who continue exchanging awkward glances with Rico. Eventually they come out… about taking the publicity stunt too far. While the three of them are arguing, the priest continues babbling on until his tone shifts dramatically: ”Did I just here myself say three minutes?”. And suddenly, everyone knows what time it is as the priest tears off his face to reveal Eric Bischoff underneath! Billy & Chuck are in such shock that they’re blindsided by Jamal & Rosey and absolutely destroyed. This segment rocks and accomplishes quite a bit. It answers the lingering questions about the group’s sexuality, furthers the RAW/SmackDown rivalry and begins a new one between Billy & Chuck and Three Minute Warning. Strongly recommended if you’ve never watched this.





1. Test Triple H & Stephanie McMahon (RAW - 11/29/99)

As if it could’ve been anything else. This wedding-turned-kidnapping tops the list simply because of its long-term ramifications. For the better part of the past 18 years, the Hunter/Stephanie marriage has ruled over WWE and I like to believe the good has outweighed the bad (although for how much longer I’m not sure). But much of what’s happened on RAW in the 21st century dates back to this fateful night of blurry wedding bliss. The company needed a storyline for Test so after defeating Shane in a “Love Her or Leave Her” match at SummerSlam 1999, he received the family’s blessing to marry Stephanie. Everything went according to plan right up until Triple H’s music hit and the rest is history.

If Hunter drugging the bride to be and sneaking her away from the bachelorette party undetected has taught us anything, Steph had some really shitty bridesmaids. The joyride Hunter takes her on is far less craptacular as he’s able to fall back on his DX-ish sense of humor and riff while the camera’s rolling. Triple H’s exchange with the woman at the wedding chapel is a blast; especially when she’s rambling along and Hunter interjects “Jesus christ lady, is all this necessary?”. Once the paperwork is rushed through, we get a glimpse of the new Mr. & Mrs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley in what is now a classic tagline. The icing on the cake is of course Trips calling Vince “dad” and Stephanie pretending like she’s not turned on by Hunter’s badassery in all of this. And lastly, poor Test who walks away looking like the biggest loser on the planet. He did eventually end up with Stacy Keibler though which is certainly a win from where I’m sitting.




Jeff agrees.




_SkitZ

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