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Posted in: Column of the Month
March 2012 COTM - Fish Flavoured?
By Freeman
Apr 21, 2012 - 8:23:56 PM

Upon locking eyes with her for the first time across a crowded room, he knew that he couldn't pass up the opportunity to indulge her in conversation. Her beauty was enchanting, but it was the smile that she flashed in his direction which truly made up his mind to approach her. In conversation he found her to be as charming and interesting as she was beautiful, with a strange but intriguing mix of femininity and a strong will. It turned out they had a lot in common, and he really thought that although it were a terrible cliché (and boy did he hate clichés; he avoided them like the plague) he really felt that he'd finally found his soul-mate. He thought he'd blown his seduction attempt when he suffered from a rather sudden and uncontrollable bout of flatulence, however to his surprise his love interest promptly broke wind as well, and then proceeded to blame the resultant aroma completely on herself. Had he found the perfect woman? He desired her intensely, and made it his mission to have her that same night...


She had noticed him as soon as he set foot in the room that night. He carried himself with such an intoxicating mix of confidence and power, and it felt like all eyes were on him at that moment. She couldn't believe her luck when he finally returned her eye contact, and she could feel the butterflies in her stomach as he made his way toward her. She was nervous at first, but quickly began to loosen up as they conversed. Never before had she met a man who was so passionate, so ambitious, so learned in his craft. He walked the fine line between confidence and cockiness with such flair; he was secure in himself without feeling the need to shove it in people's faces, and she liked that. His jokes were so... wait, what the **** is that smell? It smells like somebody's emptied the contents of a sewer in here. Oh, poor guy, I'd better let one go too so he doesn't feel uncomfortable, she thought to herself. After rationalising the incident to herself that it was the actions of a man so confident and so secure that he could let rip in front of her upon their first meeting, she decided that she simply had to have him that same night...


The young lovers made it back to her apartment. It wasn't long before they were kissing passionately in the hallway and she was leading him to the warmer and more comfortable surroundings of her bedroom. They were undressing each other at a frantic pace, both of them craving each others bodies and becoming increasingly aroused at every slight touch or gentle caress of their skin. He lay her naked body down on to the bed, and slowly moved towards her, the anticipation between them building to a fever pitch that was soon to explode in ecstasy. She spread her legs slowly, aching to feel him inside her, to become one with his body and his mind. He took his throbbing member and lightly brushed her garden with the tip. She pulled him closer to her. Suddenly, he thrust hard inside her. His resultant yell was almost deafening:

“YES!”

He paused, pulled out and thrust again.

“YES!”

Is this it? She thought to herself...

“YES!”

“Daniel, do you think we could possibly change posi...”

“YES!”

“I'm not sure this is really doing anything for...”

“YES!”

“Ah well, he's the World Heavyweight Champion, I guess I can read a comic book or something till he's do...”

“YES!”

After 58 minutes of more or less the same thing, WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan collapsed next to WWE Diva AJ. It was the start of a beautiful relationship, one that experienced a lot of highs before an unexpected rocky patch in the weeks following Wrestlemania. It was at this point that Daniel and AJ saw it fit to seek out the help of a relationship counsellor...


“Good day to you both and welcome to my office. I am Dr. Freeman, wrestling columnist, relationship counsellor and sworn enemy of the Combine. Now while I wait for the few people out there who got that Half Life reference to settle down, why don't you start off Daniel by telling me why you don't want to be with AJ anymore?”

Well doc, when I broke up with A.J a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't being entirely truthful to the WWE audience with my reasons why. The thing is, we never spend any time together anymore. When she's not working in WWE, she's working in TNA where she's a former World Heavyweight Champion and currently involved in a big storyline with Eric and Garrett Bischoff, so we don't get to do things as a couple like we used to.”

“AJ how do you respond to these accusations?”

He's had several affairs.”

“Is this true Daniel?”

I'm afraid so. The first of which was with a beautiful ginger girl I met after a Smackdown live event a few months ago. I was weak and shouldn't have done it, and I really hope we can move on.”

That wasn't a ginger girl, that was Heath Slater!”

...

“Daniel?”

Pass.”

He's also had intimate relations with WWE Diva Kelly Kelly.”

Oh come on! Who hasn't? Maybe if you were around a bit more then I wouldn't need to seek out a little attention from other women, or whatever Heath Slater happens to be.”

Well maybe if the sex wasn't so bad I'd be a bit more willing to see you more often! Seriously doctor, he spends absolutely no time getting me in the mood.”

“Ah that's not good Daniel. You see when I was defrosting the fridge the other night, or foreplay as she calls it, I couldn't help but think it was a giant waste of time. But when I saw the fruits of my labour, I concluded that...”

You know what doc? I can already see that this is a colossal waste of my time. I have to get to a comic book convention to pose for photographs with a bunch of fat virgins whilst pretending to know what Call Of Duty is. **** this, I'm out of here.”

And with that, Melina AJ stood up and abruptly stormed out of the office. It was the Freeman who eventually broke the silence.

“Not like the character she plays is she? Oh I've been meaning to ask you, are you mad about Wrestlemania?”

A little bit yeah. Here's the thing; the fact that I lost the title in 18 seconds doesn't bother me. I always knew they were going to put Sheamus over and to be honest, having that little stat in the record books of 'Mania is kinda cool. So no, I'm not mad about what happened to me. I'm mad about them giving Sheamus the complete shaft. Now you might say 'hey Daniel, if Sheamus won the match how can he get the shaft?' Well hear me out. The company has been pushing Sheamus hard for the last nine months or so, and it was only fitting that after all that build up he would get the big win over the bad guy at Wrestlemania and be made into a legit top star. Unfortunately, the company chose to treat the match like a joke and Sheamus doesn't feel like a legit top star because of it. Now, if we'd have had a fantastic 14-15 minute back and forth match, with Sheamus getting the hard fought victory, then there's no way that he'd be getting booed by certain sections of the crowd like he is now; he'd be getting cheered by the vast majority of the audience like he was before. However, not only did the 18 second title win not give him the rub that he needed, it's also turned me into somewhat of a sympathy character with the audience, and it's turned him into a bad guy who's now eliciting a negative reaction. The WWE really blew a big opportunity here, however they have a chance to rectify some of that damage at Extreme Rules.”

“Interesting, although I can't help but feel that something else seems to be troubling you Daniel.”

I'll be honest doc, I've been really paranoid about my health recently. That's why I'm so distant from AJ, I just can't seem to be able to share my feelings with her.”

“Well you seem pretty healthy, what's been the matter?”

I went for a check up the other day, you know, just to make sure everything was okay. It was all going fine, until the specialist asked me to bend over. He spent the next ten minutes inserting his finger in and out of my anus.”

“So?”

Well, does that sound right, or should I change my dentist?”

An awkward silence developed between the two of us. Daniel was leaning on his elbow staring at me intently while I was doing my best to suppress my laughter and not my piss my pants at the same time. It was Daniel who broke the silence on this occasion.

Hey doc, can I have one of those chocolates in that bowl over there?”

“Sure thing, help yourself. They're fish flavoured.”

Fish flavoured? Well that's unusual. Guess I may as well pop one in my mouth now and give it a try and oh my god that's disgusting! Oh Christ they taste like Kelly Kelly's vagina!”

“Funny that.”

How come?”

“Well you do realise that I've counselled every male member on the current WWE roster before don't you?”

So?”

“They all thought the same...”

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