Posted in: Column of the Month December 2011 COTM - 4 Simple Ways To Improve The Internet Wrestling Community
Jan 29, 2012 - 11:05:22 PM
4 Simple Ways To Improve The Internet Wrestling Community
Hi, my name is avery, and I’m a card carrying member of the Internet Wrestling Community. My job, if you can call it that, is to bring a little class to the interwebs with my original brand of dick jokes. Some of you may be wondering how this came to be. Well, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. First, I had to convince my parents that getting the internet would not result in me watching a lot of porn. Then, I had to apologize for using the internet to watch a lot of porn. Finally, I had to randomly combine my loves of wrestling and being online, and that’s how I got here. Bu it’s a dark and scary place, children. Gather around while I tell you why.
There are literally no qualifications for posting online. You don’t have to pass a test and anything further down the arm than an elbow is optional. Worst of all, it’s completely anonymous, so you don’t have to worry about little things like pride and dignity getting in the way of calling anyone who disagrees with you a fag. People no longer have these silly things called original thoughts, and if you dare try to have one, you can expect at least a dozen people to pop up and tell you how stupid your existence is. My very first post online was about my love for Golddust, only to discover that no less than seven people had slept with my mom and frequented the same website as me.
It’s my goal ever since then to clean up the place. It’s like the attic in your house. We all know it’s there, we all know it needs cleaned up, and we all know we can do it if we just tried, but that microwavable pizza isn’t going to make itself and your attic cleaning pants are in the washer, so maybe tomorrow. Except tomorrow never comes. Well, today is my tomorrow. Er, tomorrow is my today instead of my tomorrow. Look, my point is I’ve came up with a few ways to better the Internet Wrestling Community, and all I need is your help. Uncle avery wants you. Just read my four simple rules, and you too can help make this world a better place to post comments about sweaty men on men action.
4. Fight For Pessimism
From now on, if you want to complain about a meaningless segment, a cage will be lowered and you must wrestle 3 tigers to the ground within 30 seconds or the floor will open and all 4 of you will drop into an acid pit, and should you somehow survive, you're charged with animal cruelty and given life in prison but hey, at least you get to complain, right?
Not too long ago, the WWE aired a segment in which Kane was trying to pull Zack Ryder down through the ring, presumably to help him put out a fire, only for John Cena to pull Ryder away and the two watched Hornswoggle roast to death in a tower of flames. As usual, everyone jumped to the internet to award this segment the Worst Segment Ever award, which is a pretty big accomplishment considering Mae Young giving birth to a hand was campaigning against it. Sure, that segment was a little condescending, but not every segment can be as classy as the time Hornswoggle drew a door in the wall with a marker and ran through it. But when it’s time to say something positive or have 30 seconds to live, suddenly Jerry Lawler having another wrestling match doesn't seem that fucking important to complain about, does it? The internet becomes less crowded and we can all post pictures of boobs in peace.
3. Flame Wars Filtered
For some reason, people treat their opinions the same way they treat their girlfriends. You can't ever disagree with someone's opinion in fear that they may kill you for undressing their opinions with your eyes. I've actually seen people bragging about having an opinion before anyone else. "I thought Vickie Guerrero should wear a cougar necklace before anyone else did!" - said someone who doesn't understand how bragging works. It’s like if their opinion dared to persuade you to agree with it that their opinion is probably a cheating whore. Me, personally? I beat my opinion until it does what I want or leaves me for someone else without an opinion. Either way, people get really defensive about their opinions and it seems to be even worse within the internet wrestling community than anywhere else.
"You can suck my balls," suddenly becomes "you and I should suck balls together some time if you are gay because it is cool if you are, but if not, I greatly enjoyed your opinion either way," with the new flame war filter. This won't prevent people from getting mad behind the keyboard, but it will create the illusion that wrestling fans are some of the nicest, most open minded people ever. Racial slurs and derogatory comments will be replaced with a link that when clicked on will list your full biography, including age, location, and (listed in rank of availability) your past 5 exes we could run a train on.
The big buzz this year is the Rock versus John Cena at this year's Wrestlemania. John Cena is the biggest thing in wrestling today and the Rock was the biggest thing 10 years ago and still makes a name for himself in Hollywood, this feud is a no brainer, so naturally the IWC took to the webs to rewrite it the dumbest possible ways. I've seen John Cena turning heel (marketing disaster), the Rock turning heel (mooting the entire feud), and them both turning heel and beating up little kids the entire 4 hour show (trademark by avery). With the exception of that last awesome idea, all the other ideas are a sure fire way to lose money quickly, but you can't tell anybody that without triggering world war 3. Some people will get so defensive about it that you'd think you started the sentence out with a yo mamma joke. Yo mamma so fat she didn't know turning anyone heel was bad for business. Also, she eats a lot and should consider a diet. Oh snap.
2. Dirtsheets Become Kittens
The number one most annoying part of the internet wrestling community is its obsession with ruining the show for themselves. I wonder how my favorite show is going to end; I should go spoil the shit out of it. There is no purpose to dirtsheet sites except spoilers and mundane facts, sprinkled in with bullshit speculations and misquotes, yet it’s a haven for wrestling fans. It makes zero sense. Dirt sheets are like the sites concerned mothers should read to re-ensure them wrestling is still fake. Why do thousands of people give a shit about what Jericho says on Twitter? Better yet, if they cared so much about Jericho, why not just follow him on Twitter yourself? Come to think of it, Twitter is stupid.
So, at the beginning of February, I’d like to propose the idea of turning all dirtsheets websites into a giant collage of kittens escaping a basket. You’ll arrive to the site, expecting to destroy all that you love in this world, but you won’t get far before your heart grows 10 sizes larger. Of course, then you’ll have to go to the doctor and he’ll probably tell you that your heart is way too fucking big for a normal human, and you can expect live only one more week. But alas, next week there will be a new episode of WWE Raw! Finally, there will be a fresh, new show you can watch just before you die. You have no clue why Chris Jericho cried on WWE television, you have no idea if Brodus Clay was just a thought you had while sniffing glue, or if Kelly Kelly really is just the world’s longest April Fool’s joke. You get to watch the show like a normal, non-obsessive person. Today, is the first day of your new life. Of course, next week is the last day, but what a run!
Never before has there been a reason to completely wipe out a website and replace it with kittens until now. I’ve seen websites with How To videos that will tell you how to make homemade bombs capable of blowing up an entire garage that has more purpose and, therefore, less of a reason to be replaced by kittens, than the dirtsheet websites. The worst part about them, as if any part of them isn’t equally awful, is that people will read them and then incorporate them into their opinions. How many people were predicting CM Punk versus Chris Jericho after they read it on a dirtsheet? Now, creativity is completely out the window. Instead of thinking of clever ways for Jericho to make an impact, all the conversations are one-sided about how this impact will surely be leading into a match we’re already suspecting to happen. That’s like knowing exactly what your next meal will be and how it will taste, but you spend all your time speculating on how the walk from the couch to the kitchen will go, or knowing the end to the Sixth Sense, but planning out every day you’d have to work to afford the bills and gas prices just to go rent it. It’s also like being fucking stupid.
The worst offenders are the ones who take everything they read way too literal. When CM Punk was “in the dog house,” a conversation about his future couldn’t be discussed without someone throwing in the glass-ceiling. See, I’ve had a job or two, I’ve even managed a job or two, and I know what being in the dog-house means. It means an employee was taken to the office and told to stop doing something, and that’s it. Co-workers are the worst type of contributors to gossip. Nobody can be written up without rumors of being fired or killed, depending on your job. Punk’s “dog-house” was probably somewhere between not tying his boot the correct way and murdering a fan for reading dirtsheets, and regardless of the reason, business doesn’t work that way. If someone doesn’t listen to authority, but they make a shit ton of money for you, you have to weigh the pros and cons before any real consequence can be decided on. How many times was Stone Cold Steve Austin brought back after constantly pissing in Vince’s coffee? The entire attitude era was brought forward during a time when Steve Austin was flipping off fans, something Vince McMahon personally asked him to stop doing, but Austin said no and that was that. Had there been an Internet Wrestling Community back then, I’m sure rumors would be swirling about the de-push Austin would sure get for his unprofessional behavior -- except, oh yeah, dude makes money. But it doesn’t matter; there will always be people who read way too much into the news bits. But, how literal can you take a bundle of kittens?
1. Being 14
First off, if you read dirtsheets, that’s excusable because at least you just didn’t try in life, but being 14? There’s no reason for that. Most of us intelligent IWC members skipped being young and stupid for a fucking reason, but there’s always someone out there who thinks he can be the exception to the rule. There will always be one kid who joins an online website forum and writes in all capitals about how the Undertaker should never die and John Cena has more than 5 moves because of that one time at a PPV where he did a shorter run during his running shoulder block than he normally does, or that Hornswoggle is freakin’ hilarious because it reminds him of midgets. Except midgets aren’t even real, it’s just grown adults standing on their knees, idiot, haven’t you ever seen the making of the Wizard of Oz?
The problem with posting at the age of 14 is that you think you know everything and you think that being an asshole is hilarious because no one knows who you really are, except I’ve bugged every single one of your computers and I know for a fact you’re an idiot. Hell, I’m watching you right now. Your mom looks pissed! GOTCHA! You probably fell for that because you’re 14, and that makes you retarded. Find something wrong with wrestling. Anything. Go ahead, think of anything. Got it? That’s your fault. I don’t even have to know what it is, and I already know it’s your fault. Random fact: the Eugene character was based off the average 14 year old, though the distinction is barely there.
Wrestling was at one point PG-14, but somewhere along the lines, the WWE thought that even 14-year-olds were too fucking stupid to watch wrestling so they broadened the market. Imagine that: a company that during their edgiest time had a character modeled entirely off the Oscars’s trophy thought someone else was too stupid to function. We all know there’s no undeniable fact that PG-14 made better television, and I’m certainly not one of the people who think that, but what I do know is that the WWE has pigeon-holed themselves into creating characters that never do anything too wrong. Just one time I’d like to see a villain that not only rapes Cena’s wife, but also manages to wear her skin as wrestling trunks, and maybe then I’ll consider that guy a threat to someone who has managed to be the “underdog” for nearly a decade. So, thanks again, guy who thought it necessary to be 14, you’ve ruined everything.