NOTE FROM MORPHEUS: Every month in the LOP Columns Forum, there is a vote to determine which columnist had the best month out of all the writers in the forum. The winner of Columnist of the Month is then given the opportunity to post one of their columns on the Main Page. In April, this honor was bestowed upon Freeman. Without any further ado, I am pleased to present to you his main page effort. Congratulations, brother.
April 2011 COTM - And The Clown Face Is Just A Clown Face by Freeman
May 21, 2011 - 9:26:35 PM
The wine was a treat to the taste-buds; he guessed vintage, and expensive to boot. Orderves were being served sensually as some porn played eloquently in the background. Chris Jericho looked around the room at the various acts of copulation on display and muttered to himself. "Man, these Dancing with the Stars guys can really throw a party." He happened to catch sight of himself in a mirror, and couldn't help the smug grin that crept across his face as he admired his gimp suit comprised entirely from artifacts that he had borrowed from his WWE colleagues. There was Rey's mask, Big Show's singlet and Eve's underwear, which didn't smell very nice. He was also really pleased with the silent but god awful smelling fart that he just cut, which somehow still smelled better than Eve's underwear. Over in the corner, he noticed two guys who looked suspiciously like a couple of members of the heel faction The Corre performing a bizarre sex act on an elderly lady, as well as each other. It was as he turned away that he noticed his scantily clad dance partner from the series, Cheryl Burke, beckoning him over. Chris couldn't believe his luck, as this was something he had wanted to do since the first time he had met Cheryl for his training. He walked over towards her, lubed up, and slowly entered her...
Seven whole seconds later, a slightly annoyed Cheryl got up and left Chris laying satisfied on the bed. As Chris wallowed in his own sense of accomplishment, party organiser Sugar Ray Leonard approached him with the following enquiry:
"Hey Chris, how are you enjoying the orgy so far?"
"Ah man, it's great; so much better than the last two I attended."
"Really? How come?"
"Well one was organised by this hot Latina chick who I work with in WWE, but it was full of guys, and her boyfriend just sat and jerked off in the corner all night."
"Bummer. What happened at the other one?"
"Greg Helms dropped the soap when we were in prison together."
Some of you may have forgotten just how good Chris Jericho is during his recent absence from WWE. Well fear not, here's your boy Freeman to dissect the best parts of Jericho the wrestler.
Racist jokes, farting in public, homophobia, the whole nine yards. Jericho is so offensive, and consequently is not allowed on television before the watershed. He's also banned in several countries including Denmark, Tunisia and Ireland, and merely uttering his name in Uzbekistan can end up in you being sentenced to death.
Such is Jericho's skill in this department, that he once sold snow to an Eskimo, milk to a cow and condoms to Melina. Not like Randy Orton who couldn't sell beer to a drunk. Jericho has also claimed that his band Fozzy will never sell out, although that's probably due to them being shite.
Drew a delightful picture of Billy Kidman in the nude once. Y2J can also draw heat like no other; did you know that his body temperature is an amazing 3,923 degrees in fahrenheit?
When Jericho returns to WWE, he will be a huge face. Seriously, he won't have any arms or legs or torso or anything, he'll just be a giant countenance waddling around. Jericho's also responsible for the creation of many of the world's top faces, from Tom Cruise to Angelina Jolie to Donatella Versace.
I heard that Jericho once heaedl a wound with just his bare hands. Oh, wrong type of heel, and that was probably Jesus anyway. Jericho is actually responsible for the successful rehabilitation of Edge's achilles tendon injury in 2010, which proved to be about as useful as one of his title reigns.
Fucker nearly ran me off the road during Dodge 'Ems last week.
Jericho, you've annoyed me recently. First, you write on your Shitter page that you're about to take a dump. Next you write on your Twitter page that you might be in Tampa for Extreme Rules. I'm still unsure as to whether you had a poo or not, but I know for a fact that you didn't show up at Extreme Rules. Now I know that in the recent past (about four weeks ago) I advocated that you should take your time in returning to the WWE, as it gives the younger douchebags an excellent opportunity to step up and make a name for themselves. Guess what though? I changed my mind. Please, please, please, come back to WWE ASAP. Although that previous sentence had a few too many acronyms in it for my liking, the point still stands; WWE sucks anus without you man, and your return will certainly bring the quality and interest of the product up a few notches.
Problem is; WWE is in somewhat of a transitional period at the moment and as has been mentioned before; they're desperately short on main eventers. In the past year they've lost Batista, Jericho and most recently, Edge. HHH and Undertaker work very light schedules at the moment. Young fags like Cody Rhodes, Sin Cara and Alberto Del Rio aren't quite ready yet. Sheamus and Jack Swagger were victim to depushes (unnecessarily in this columnists eyes, but hey.) Morrison just got injured. Anyone in the employment of WWE doesn't take Christian seriously. No one cares about R-Truth. No one likes Randy Orton. All this leaves the WWE with a thin main event scene that could impact buy rates and seriously dent the reputations of anyone unfortunate to get the dreaded "he was pushed too soon" treatment. There's no doubt in my mind that eventually the guys who are coming up will eventually be able to carry the torch, but they need the time and the protection from over-exposure before they are ready to step up. This is where you come in Jericho. As an already established main eventer, your return will ensure that the pressure is alleviated temporarily from the current crop of hopefuls. You could return on the next televised show and be thrust into a World Title match and no one would bat an eyelid. Not only would your main event status give the current crop enough time to grow, but the experience and rub from a potential feud that you could give them could set them up for the rest of their careers. There are also guys like Justin Gabriel who would probably appreciate a different kind of rub that you could give them, but that's another story.
So yeah, Jericho; come back quick man and give the WWE the shot in the arm it needs at the moment. Oh, and if you don't believe me, I'm sure there's one guy that could probably convince you...
"Chris? Hey man, it's Vince."
"Vince? Hi! Listen I just saw Wedding Crashers for the first time, and I've got to say I thought your performance was just excellent."
"No the other Vince."
"Meh, what's the difference? You both make terrible movies."
"Now's not the time. Listen Chris, I really need you back ASAP. This company is dying on it's ass at the moment, and you're one of my top performers. You're fantastic in the ring, your promo skills are to die for, and the clown face is just a clown face."
"Look man, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't be arsed. I feel like I've done everything there is to do in the wrestling world, and that I have nothing left to accomplish anymore. Also, I'm sick of you only hiring black guys because you think they're good at security."
"What an awful thing to say! My security staff are made up of all different ethnicities. Now, if you accuse me of anything like that again, then I'll have to send Tyrese, Jerome and Jamal round to kick your ass. Anyway, what are you going to do for work?"
"If I had my way I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch internet porn, order pizza and have sex all fucking day, by myself. I'd prank call Christian and cry down the phone about winning a world title. I'd take a dump in a Diva's handbag and pretend it was Randy Orton, and just wait until she picked it up and threw up from the smell. That's funny to me. Then I'd write poetry, dress up like a woman and play violin. I'd go for a balloon ride and try and spit on people down below. I'd lock all the windows in my house, eat loads of vegetables and fart all day, and just enjoy it."
"What's the point of all that? Look Chris, I've never told you or anyone else this, but you're my absolute favourite performer of all time. I've lost a lot of big names through the years for whatever reason, but none of those losses compare to you. Out of all the guys that I don't have on the roster anymore, from Hogan to Michaels to Austin to Rocky, you're the guy that leaves the biggest hole. Fuck it, Cena could walk out tomorrow for all I care; as long you're still on my books it wouldn't be such a big deal."
"Of course not, that would be ridiculous. Look douchebag, if you come back next week there's a fat salary and a reduced schedule in it for ya."
"Alright done. Thanks a lot Vince."
Hey man, can I ask you something?"
"Have you ever been to an orgy?"