Posted in: Column of the Month An American Motion Sickness: The Steinerbag (Holla If You Read It!)- CF Columnist of the Year Co-Winner Cult Icon
By Cult Icon
Jan 28, 2015 - 1:06:18 PM
Each year, the Columns Forum votes on their yearly awards. The biggest award of the year is the Columns Forum Columnist of the Year. This year, there was a tie between two writers. Over the next day or so, I’m going to spotlight those writers for you. The first, Cult Icon, is a writer with a style of his own. He’s fixated on pop culture, the X-Files, and as you’ll see in this column, Scott Steiner. Hopefully you enjoy the piece and give Cult some feedback below.
Get my bags, GET MER BEGS!
Warning, this material contains numerous grammar errors from the author. They're intentional. Thought you'd like to know.
In the LOP CF system, Cult Icon is a writer considered especially decent. However, after his last edition of the Failbag, his email access was intercepted by former wrestler turned homicidal maniac Scott Steiner. Upset over Icon's numerous spoof columns about him over the past year, Steiner decided to get his revenge by answer Cult's mail, ruining his reputation and scarring every member of the LOP forums for life. This is the story.
WELCOME LOLLYPOP FORUMS TO THE GRANDEST DADDAY OF THEM ALL, FEATURING THE BIG, BAD BOOTAY DADDAY! FOR MONTHS ON END, THE MAN WITH NO READS COLT IKEN HAS BEEN BUTCHEREN MAH GOOD NAME, MAH GOOD NAME, WITH HIS SLANDEROUS REDNECK STORIES ABOUT DYSTOILEANT FUTURES AND GUYS NAMED AFTER DICKS ACTING LIKE STING! WELL COLT IKEN I MADE A CAREER OF MAKING STING MY BITCA AND NOW I'M GONNA DO DA SAME TA YOU! CONSIDER THIS THE ASS KICKEN YOUR DADDAY NEVER GAVE YA, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO OPEN UP SOME WOOP ASS, ON YOUR ASS, LIKE A BLADE OF GRASS, AND THERE AIN'T A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOOT IT BITCH! SO WITH THAT SAID, LET'S ANSWER SOME MAIL! ANDERSON SOME MAIL!!!!
Can Global Force Wrestling truly succeed on a scale that is, well, global?
You know mierzgfap, I've had the pleasure, the priverled of working with Double J many times in my hall of fem career! And let me tell you now, the only way, THE ONLEH WEY, that motherfucking redkneck buck teethed toolbox is making Global Force Wrestling global is if he bends is wife over the ring ropes and treats her like a real man. And let me tell you now, Double J ain't no real man like the BIG, BAD, BOOTY DADDAY! SO GFW, YOU KEEP YOUR NEW JAPAN, YOU KEMP YOUR KENNY AMICA, AND YOU KNOW YOUR PLACE, WHICH IS UNDER MAH BOOT! NEXT QUESTION!
Why did WWE leave him out of 2K15's WCW Pack but add Bam Bam Bigelow?
-Joe B, The North Side
Because Bam Bam didn't turn Stephanie McMahon on a 45 degree angle to create an equinox, so SHE COULD SEE THE BIG DIPPER! AM DA BIG DIPPER BABAY! So Triple H, if you're reading this somewhere in Shawn Michaels porn cave, I want you to know, that your wife's a ho, and she knows how to blow, even better than Karen Jarrett at the TNA Christmas party!
Tiny gif! TINY GEF
Is DDP Yoga magic of some kind?
-Professor K, Tokyo
DDP YOGURT?! What kind of trick ass, black ass, red ass, dumbass, ass ass, crack ass shit is that?! I guess Page finely decided to turn his wife's pussy into a yogurt flavor to stay relavert relavent! How dare Page give to the public what only the BIG, BAD, BOOTY DADDAY HAS EVER TASTED! I SELF HIGH FIVALVED THAT PUSSY MORE TIMES THAN KATE GOOSESHIT'S HAD KIDS! GOOSHITS KIDS!
You know that a recliner is a kind of comfortable chair, right? You can't just use any word that ends with "-iner" to name your moves.
-Daniel, the other room
SHUT YOUR FUCKLING MOUTH YOU PIECE OF MONEY ASS TRASH! I will name my moves whatever I want, because I bring der pain, I make it rain, and I am insane, IN THE MEMBRANE LIKE CYPHRESS HILL! Now play dat jam! PLEY DET JERM!
TO DER ONE AND FLEM...BOYERNT TEMPER JUST TOSE DA HAM IN DEH FRAYIN PAN, LICK SPAM, LICK SPAM, FEEL DONE WEEN EH CUM EN SLEM, DAMN, EH FELL LIKE SUN EV SAM, SUN EV SAM!!!!
Which of the 80 millions versions of the nWo was the worst?
This goes to all my freaks out there; I refuse to answer a question from some pimply dicked butthold who's parents were too fucked on acid to name their kid pooperly. Skeegan may just be the worst name in the history of neutral born time! SO FUCK YOU SKEEGAN, FUCK YOUR PARENTS, FUCK WCW, AND FUCK THE NWO! INSANE IN DER MERMAID, INSANE IN DER BRAID, INSANE IN DER MEMBRAID, EM ERNSADE, GET YER BRAIN!
I think you would win against Colt Iken in a dance off, bro, but I don't have the math to back that up. I'll leave that up to the Big Bad Booty Daddy...
-Zach, Long Island
When it comes to me vs. Colt Iken in a dance off, I've already got a a 85% chance of winning. But then, you multiply those chances by the number of chicks I've fucked and divide it by the number of chicks Colt Iken has fucked, and I now have a 300% chance of winning. You then add that with the cosmos, multiply that by all my freaks out there, and it's perfectly clear that COLT IKEN HAS NO CHANCE OF BEATING ME IN A DANCE OFF! ALEX WRIGHT HAS GOT NOTHING ON MY BLEACH BLONDE ASS!
What is 2+2?
-Mrs. Tingle, Northern California
Look at this hooker tryin to play trick quersterns on me! You ain't foolin me bitch! You see, most of you rednecks out there think two plerse two equals four. In reality, when you multiply two by two, then divide it by four, multiply it again by fifteen, divide it again by two, then add it by two, you get 7.5! SO THIS GOES TO ALL MY FREAKS OUT THERE; TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS SEVEN POINT FIVE! HOLLA IF YA HEAR MEH!
What on earth does the human smudge that is Dylan McDermott have to do with how great Denny Crane is?? Get your act together and acknowledge the nuanced and brilliant performance of old Shatner is far superior to any pudgy tussling he did in a yellow shirt and a wig!
-Chris, The Impact Zone
Let me make this perfeclty clear to you you homeless weasel in the Impact Zone; STAR TREK SUX, BOSTON LEGAL SUCKS, KIRK SUCKS, DYLAN MCDERMOTT SUCKS, DYLAND MCDERMOTT'S WIFE SUCKS ME, AND DENNY CRANE IS THE BIGGEST FATASS, YELLOW ASS, OLD ASS, DUMBASS, TRICK ASS, BLADE OF ASS, MEAT ASS, ONE TRECK MOTHERFUCKING TERRORIST THIS SIDE OF ERIC BISCHOFF'S TAINT! NOW GET OVER IT! GET OVER ET!!!
Poppa Pump, How Cult learn bout fight club?
-Edward, Los Angeles
The same way your wife learned about the orgasm; FROM THE BIG, BAD, BOOTAY DADDAY, BIG POPPA! AND LET ME TELL YOU NOW, COLT IKEN WAS SO BAD AT FAT CLUB THAT RICK WAS EVEN ABLE TO TAKE HIS ASS DOWN A COUPLE NACHOS! AND THAT'S SAIYAN SOMETHING BECAUSE RICKY SUCKS, VARSITY CLUB SUCKS, WCW SUCKS, AND YOU SUCK FURLONG! NOW GO STICK ANOTHER NEDDLE UP YOUR ASS! UP YER ASS!!!
Why is Jim Duggan’s gross old body so gross and Duggany, and why do we have to keep seeing it? Did we commit some horrible crime in a past life?
-Debra Duggan, South Carolina
The reason Jim Duggan and his saggy, melted hot dog corpse is allowed to parade on TV is because Vince McMahon didn't do the right thing in 2003 and let me, THE GENERIC FREAK, go over his future husband! If Vince McMahon and people like you Mrs. Duggan had believed in me all those years ago, Duggan's carcass would be plowing fatass supermodels at Buff Bagwell's brothel, Stephanie McMahon would be wiping my seed from her face, AND I WOULD RULE THE WRESTLING WORLD JUST AS GOD INTENDED!
Is Paige freaky enough for the Big Bad Booty Daddy? Or does she need more… booty??
The things I would do to that piece of pale British Cake is so delibicius not even you, the fatass, candy ass, rednecks of LOLLYPOPOP can hear about it! The only person who will ever be able to know is Colt Iken, just so he can know that the love of his life preferred a real man to his Duchovny loving ass!
Which is better: Drinking Coke while watching WWE or drinking shitty Pepsi while watching WCW?
Roger, New York
Coke sucks, Pepsi sucks, WWE sucks, WCW sucks, and you suck! NEXT QUESTYOUNG!
Who would win in a dance off between Alex Wright and Magnum Tokyo?
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WATCH A DANCE OFF BETWEEN A SKINNY GERMAN AND THE HOMELESS MAN'S JACKIE CHAN?! THE BIG, BAD, BOOTAY DADDAY WOULD COME DOWN, TAKE BOTH OF THEIR FOREIGN PIMPLY ASSES OUT, AND THEN THRILL THE GIRLS WITH MY SWEET MOVES! BECAUSE YOU SEE, ONLY I, WITH MY SWEET JIVES, CAN MAKE THEM TOUCH THE SKY AND SCREAM BOOM SHAKA LAKA, HOLLA AT DA MOON! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR WITH BIG POPPA PUMP!
Why hasn't WWE added 1997 Nitro to the Network yet? Because he knew they kicked RAW's ass, or some other reason?
-T.O., Throne of the Universe
It's prefectly clear that Vince McMahon doesn't want the world to see the unbelievable run of THE GENETRIC FREAK, the man who put all the girls in the seats, the man who gave the janiters they're overtime pay when they had to clean the wet spots throughot the arena! But rest assured T.BLOW, that I will not rest until I have conquered Vince McMahon, Triple HIV, and until his wife rides me all the way to victory at the Kentrucky Derble Derby! WWE may be wrestling, BUT AM DA BIG DIPPAH! AND I WILL PREVAIL OVER THE FORCES OF EVEL! HOLLA IF YA HEAR MEH!
Scort Stoner! How can you just sit there like a bitch and answer letters from these dork? Don’t you know that you should be popping and poomping and big bad bootying all night long? You’re adding up to zero my friend, and everyonebody knows that zero is not a possible number! It’s an enigma like toothpaste!You can’t put it back once you’ve got it on your hands! And that’s a six dollar cent charge at any drugstore! So don’t be a fool and listen to da genetic freak, and don’t read a book, be a man!
You son of birch! SUN OF HER BIT! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN YOU ROIDED UP FATASS AND MAKE YOU SCREAM LOUDER THAN THE FREAKS WHEN BIG POPPA WALKS INTO THE ROOM! IT'S BEATDOWN TIME, WITH THE BUMP AND GRIND, AND YOU'LL BE DRINKING LEMOND AND LIME SODA WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOUR FRUIT BOOTY!
Enraged over the final email that he apparently sent to himself, Scott Steiner would spend the next several hours beating himself into oblivion until the paramedics were forced to be called. He is now in the hospital recovering from his injuries, which include severe erectile dysfunction, even more severe brain damage, and a massive case of hemorrhoids. Cult Icon has since regained control of his email account, and will now return to delivering you more columns you didn't want to read.