Posted in: Column of the Month January COTM - 'The Eyes of a Monkey' by Dr. Monkey
By Dr. Monkey
Feb 12, 2009 - 10:26:06 PM
The Eyes of a Monkey # 56: Entranced Part Two - The Rise and Fall of the Shockmaster
Justin's Eyes
So somehow by some strange twist of fortune the good Doctor has managed to capture a third COTM win. I got to say I honestly didn't see it coming in the slightest and to be able to bring my work to the main page again is pretty cool. As I said elsewhere, thanks to those who voted for me as well as those who read and feedback my work. Whether you are dropping me a line to tell me I suck, or to tell me good job, it's always best to get some feedback over no feedback. So to those who leave me comments to read, I write this for you. Thanks for sticking with me, even if it's just to call me a turd hamper. Enough about me though.
The column today is going to be an extension of my last CSI effort, which should be obvious from the title. Luckily, if you haven't read it you should still be able to follow this column easily as it's pretty straight forward. I know some of you out there have been calling for another typical "Monkey" column with that personal touch and I assure you I haven't forgotten. I just wanted to take a break for a few columns and write a couple of more straight forward pieces. So be patient, and I'll have something for you. For the Skip Rogers fans (for the two of you that may actually remember him) I also may just have something for you before you know it. Then again, I tend to talk out my ass a lot so maybe I got nothing coming up. Stay tuned.
Before we dive into this column let me mention one last thing. Obviously this is very much an opinion and I'll even go as far as to say that if I were to post this same list a year from now my thoughts would be different. My point being this column is supposed to be a fun trip down memory lame highlighting some of the worst aspects of wrestling entrances that I can recall. So if nothing else take solace in the fact that based on the column title alone you know I'll be mentioning the Shockmaster. SPOILER ALERT
Nails On a Chalk Board
As I mentioned in the first installment, the first thing that sticks to the crowd's mind when you are a wrestler is your theme music. When I think of a good theme I think of a song that warrants an immediate response. Maybe you boo because it brings forth the emotion that you feel for one of your least favorite wrestlers. Then again, maybe you cheer as the songs triggers the joy you feel when your favorite star emerges from the other side of the curtain. Then there's the songs that make you feel nothing. That's not a reflection on the ability of the wrestler itself, but rather a reflection of the song that precedes the star. Even though it may sound silly, I think a truly good theme song should be one that if it was on a cd on your car, you would listen to it. A bad theme song not only sets a bad first impression, but it also leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Think of a bad theme song as shitting your pants on the first date. Regardless of how great a person you are, ultimately you'll always remind them of crap.
10.) Rey Mysterio's P.O.D. Theme - Ah, P.O.D. how do I hate thee. Yeah yet another biased pick from me, but what do you come to expect. I remember seeing these guys open a festival I was at before they blew up, and just walking away in amazement at how bad it was. It just sounded like the same song over and over, and the singer Sonny (I believe though it's not important) would get so winded it took away from any possible enjoyment. Not to mention having your name said in your theme song is a big no no unless you are named the Rock. While I guess the song isn't terrible, it really isn't great either. So basically uh.....fuck P.O.D. Sorry Rey.
09.) John Cena's Marching Band Entrance - You know John Cena's theme actually doesn't bother me that much. Sure I won't be singing it karaoke style anytime soon but it fits his character. That brings us to Wrestlemania 24. Somebody had the bright idea of recreating the theme on the biggest stage of them all using a marching band. So what we were treated to was the equivalent to the JV quarterback coming out during the middle school pep rally. I guess the point was to give the song a more epic feel or a bigger sound. In the end not only did the song sound smaller and a tad bit inaudible, but it just came off as incredibly corny in my book.
08.) Carlito - I love Carlito I really do, but man if he didn't draw the short straw in the crappy theme song contest. It's just one of those themes that you have to play out this scenario to really get how bad it is. Imagine Smackdown's top face was catching a beatdown. All of a sudden Carlito's music blares out of the speakers. How do you think the heel instigating the beatdown will react. Chances are he won't, since Carlito's music is so slow and lacking of energy that they'd have a full extra five minutes to continue beating down the face before Carlito shows up. That's the main problem I have with the song, a theme is supposed to give energy and pump you up. Instead Carlito's theme seems to drain the energy from the show and slow down the vibe.
07.) The Repo Man - Remember when I mentioned that more times than not it's a bad idea to feature the wrestler's name in their theme? Well the Repo Man's theme song was nothing more than cheesy 80's synth (used in the 90's nonetheless) and the words "Repo Man" said occasionally in the background. I'd honestly have put him higher but when one of your biggest claims of fame is stealing the "Million Dollar" title from Virgil I think you are destined to be at the bottom.
06.) Isaac Yankem - Let's say hypothetically you are Jerry Lawler. Now you just lost a match in which you were forced to stick your own filth covered foot into your own mouth. In order to get revenge you seek out your dentist, whom just so happens to be a behemoth of a man (pre-Kane Glen Jacobs for the noobs). So of course you threaten the victor of your match (Bret Hart) to face the music against this conveniently wrestling trained dentist known as Isaac Yankem. Any chance of this character being a badass was immediately lost the second Yankem came through the curtains do the horrid sound of a dentist drill. I guess the fact that he lost his first major feud just goes to show how far he was destined to go. A far cry from the Big Red Machine.
05.) Diesel - This is a hard one for me because I am a huge mark for the Kliq and thus a big fan of Diesel. So when he stepped out of the role of fulltime bodyguard and into the role of wrestler, I was pumped. Here was a 300 pound plus, 7 footer who had that menacing big man look. Then when it came time to debut we got treated to the sounds of a big rig truck running, and an occasional honking of the horn. In all fairness it did fit the character but it still doesn't make up for the large magnitude of suck it brought to the table. Thankfully the music would later evolve into a more bluesy theme before all was said and done.
04.) The Motor City Machine Guns - I love Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin has been one of the brighter stars for X-Division for years so when the two followed in their ROH footsteps and became a TNA tag team I was pretty ecstatic. For awhile things were going good for the duo and they even seemed to be getting a small push. Next thing you know somebody made the decision to give the guys a theme song resembling one of the generic non-wrestler themes from the No Mercy game on the N64. Oddly enough there push hit a bit of a roadblock shortly after. It's taken months to recover and even now Sabin has become jobber food for American Gladiators.
03.) Mae Young and Moolah - How do you shit on the legacy of two of the earliest female wrestling stars? How about turn them into a comedy act and stick them with a theme song that resembles something a drunken Jerry Lee Lewis would've written. Can we really be shocked that the duo as produced such proud moments as; birthing a hand, public nudity (sad but true), bronco busters featuring a scantly glad elder woman....the list goes on but I'd rather not.
02.) Jesse and Festus "Biscuits and Gravy" - Vince and company never get tired of the crazy hillbilly rednecks, the new model features the classic big man/little man line-up with a twist. When the larger Festus hears a bell ring he turns from a sloppy vegetable into a fearsome slab of meat. Totally second guessing the food analogy I tried to make but as a wise man once said "fuck it, I'll do it live." So what is the song that our gentle giant and agitated significant other enter the ring to you say? Biscuits and Gravy, because can of whoop ass is so late 90's.
01.) The Mountie - Again let me reiterate, don't say your name in your theme song. Better yet, don't sing your own theme song unless you are Shawn Michaels....yeah I'm biased. Hi Degenerate. Well late in the Mountie's career he came out to a true gem of a song, one in which he sang himself. I'd love to try and say something funny but I'll let the lyrics do the speaking for me.
I'm the Mountie!
I'm handsome, I'm brave, and I'm strong.
I'm the Mountie!
And I enforce the law.
You can try to run,
But you can never hide
Because the Mountie
Always gets his man.
Are You Coming or Going?
There's something about a great entrance that we'll relive over and over again as wrestling fans. Unfortunately for those involved there is also something about a bad entrance that is hard to forget. For some wrestlers, they way they execute their entrance is what may ultimately separate them from a classic moment and something that becomes the butt of jokes for years to come. Though in the same respect there is a major difference between a little stumble and a full on fall from grace.
10.) Apolo @ TNA Sacrifice 2005 - I've always called this the ghost receipt, but let me set this up with a little backstory. At Lockdown 2005 Apolo and Sonny Siaki wrestled Chris Candido and Lance Hoyt. During the match Candido suffered a freak break of his ankle and in an even more freak occurrence he later got a staph infection from the injury and died. Fast forward to Sacrifice 2005, where on the pre-show Apolo and Sonny Siaki were set to do battle with Mikey Batts and Jerrelle Clark. Well in a weird set of events Apolo would trip during his entrance. What made it so weird was the manner in which he tripped. It was almost as if a leg that wasn't there was stuck out and Apolo tripped over it. I always liked to think of it as Chris Candido performing one final rib on his TNA brothers.
09.) Melina @ Survivor Series 2007 - On her way to the ring for her 10 diva tag match, Melina went through the typical motions for her entrance routine. As you ascended the ring apron and lept into the air to do her split, something went wrong and Melina barely even touched the apron before hitting the ground. To save face she quickly rolled into the ring and tried to do a series of heelish taunts. At least she had a sense of humor about it though as she completely broke character and showed a big smile to those watching.
08.) Ultimo Dragon @ Wrestlemania XX - Following the collapse of WCW, the Ultimo Dragon's only hope for stateside success lied in the hands of the WWE. In a chance to shine in a cruiserweight invitational on the biggest stage of all, Ultimo became well known for something else. Immediately after appearing on the ramp Ultimo slips and falls. Much to his credit though he regains his balance and composure and continues down the ramp. Then came the part of his entrance where he would ascend the turnbuckle. Well in a cruel twist of fate, the law of gravity was enforced on Ultimo and he lost his footing and fell off the turnbuckle. It's one thing to botch your entrance once but twice and it's safe to say it just isn't your night.
07.) Triple H and John Cena @ Wrestlemania 22 - I can appreciate the fact that everybody wants to create that special Wrestlemania moment that everyone remembers after the show. What I don't appreciate it getting treated to two of the most over the top, time consuming entrances in recent history. It wasn't enough that Triple H had to dress like Conan, we also got treated to two separate theme songs for the game. Then John Cena burst out like some new age gangster and I was forced to sink my head in shame. On the plus side CM Punk made his on screen debut during this entrance.
06.) Dude Love's Debut - So the storyline revolved around a rebellious Austin needing a partner to go up against Owen Hart and the British Bulldog for the tag gold. Mankind offered his services but was turned down only to get a surprise in the form of the debuting Dude Love. Dude Love was Mick Foley's hippie, fun loving alter ego that wanted to be a sex symbol and was the polar opposite of Austin. Even though I love the character, the entrance is one of the more subtle botches on this list. During the match the camera cuts to Dude Love's foot tapping to the beat of his theme song and then walking towards the ramp. Well for whatever reason it takes Dude Love a few minutes to actually get to the ramp and reveal himself. Vince McMahon, who was doing commentating, said it best...."I guess that's a pretty long hallway." Never fails to crack me up.
05.) Hogan Steal's Taker's Bike - Ok so I cheated on this one, but I'm writing this column and you are simply along for the ride. The setup for this was prior to Judgment Day 2002 where the Undertaker and Hogan were set to class for the WWE belt. To get revenge on the Undertaker for the beatings both verbally and physically he decided to hit the deadman where it hurt and take his bike. Too bad Hogan didn't seem to know how to start the bike and we got treated to an awkward amount of time with Hogan just sitting on the bike and Undertaker trying to sell it, but at the same time looking foolish for not attempting to stop Hogan. Again not an entrance, but I'll make an exception for this gold nugget.
04.) Vince McMahon @ Royal Rumble 2005 - During the final match of the night, Batista and Cena had both eliminated each other at the same time and referees couldn't determine a winner. In typical McMahon fashion Vince powerwalked to the ring and somehow tearing both of his quad muscles in the process. I got to give it to the guy though, he proved the show must go on and made it into the ring and restarted the match.
03.) Robocop Saves Sting - For those who think Kane's dramatic debut at Bad Blood in which he ripped the door off the cage was something, then let us flash back to the Spring of 1990. The event was Capital Combant, and in the main event of the evening the crowd was treated to a steel cage match for the World title that featured the challenger Lex Luger going up against the champion Ric Flair. Luger was accompanied to the ring but his friend Sting and during the post match chaos Sting was locked inside the cage himself to suffer a brutal four horsemen beating and it seemed nobody would be able save him. Good thing for Robocop. In a bit of cross promoting, the powers that be deemed it an acceptable idea for Robocop to make an appearance at the event and come to the rescue of Sting. He ripped the door off the cage and saved the day. So next time you dare and bitch about a current storyline not being realistic, just be relieved that Robocop isn't involved.
02.) The Shockmaster - When it came time for Sting and the British Bulldog to conjure up a partner to combat the team of Sid Vicious and Harlem Heat they did what any duo in need of a badass partner would do. They got Tugboat/Typhoon of WWF fame, put him in a Stormtropper helmet that looked bedazzled, a vest with no shirt, a gimmick in which you can shoot electricity out of your hands, and an overdubbed voice done by Ole Anderson. The recipe for success was there, sadly misfortune shined bright on the Shockmaster that day. During his entrance not only did he fall through a wall on live t.v. but he also hit his head and lost his helmet. When being given the gimmick of a jobber construction worker is an upgrade, then you know you failed to make much of a splash.
01.) Owen Hart's Death - To paraphrase Lance Storm, "can I be serious for a minute." At this point in time I'd say this is the saddest wrestling event I've witnessed in my around 20 years of viewing. While there have been plenty of deaths in wrestling that I have felt moved by, this one just struck a nerve with me. To see such a great wrestler have such an unfortunate end to their career and in such an unnecessary means, is just beyond tragic. Also you have to consider that I'm sure a great amount of those in attendance that night were emotionally scarred by the events. Owen tops this list for all the wrong reasons, but in all fairness it was one of the worst wrestling entrances in history that took one of the brightest right out from under us.
The Impact Zone
Making an impact, that's what everyone strives to do. Obviously I covered that in the first edition, but happens when guys attempt to cash in on their fifteen minutes of fame, only to find out that they were promised 14 minutes too many? That's being a little unfair though. While I may indeed cover a few cases that involve the dreaded "1 second of fame" some of those on our list are guys who made an impact elsewhere only to fall on their face (some literally as mentioned before). Catching lightening in a bottle is a bitch. Doing it twice is nearly impossible.
10.) Tank Abbott Joins WCW - Looking to capitalize on the rising popularity of MMA, WCW decided to bring in a former UFC fighter in Abbott. The fact that Abbott was far from a star and more or less the 90's version of Kimbo Slice, it didn't become long until Tank become a joke in yet another career. If by making an impact you meant jobbing to WCW champion David Arquette, and teaming up with a boy band knockoff, then yeah Tank Abbott shook the very foundation of the wrestling world.
09.) Jame Noble Comes Back to WWE - Poor Noble, after getting the axe from WWE James Gibson went on a tear on the Indy scene. Multiple wrestling publications awarded Gibson with Independent wrestler of the year honors and it seemed that Gibson was poised to make a big splash. Well wouldn't you know it, WWE came back calling. Unfortunately Jame's Gibson is to monster return push as Chris Brown is to career beyond this year. Can't wait to see how that turns out for those guys.
08.) Chucky Threatens Rick Steiner - The Steiner Brothers were getting ready to embark on a full fledged feud sparked by Scotty joining the N.W.O. The storyline of Scott joining the N.W.O centered around Hulk Hogan offering to get Steiner some action film roles, which Scott accepted. He came back with a new look and became "Big Poppa Pump." When brother Rick challenged Scott to a match, Scott vowed to bring one of his "friends" from Hollywood with him next week. Sadly his hollywood friend showed in the form of a video that featured Chucky from the "Child's Play" series making some very tame threats to the Dog Face Gremlin. Chucky was never seen on wrestling again, and I'm pretty sure nobody cried.
07.) Zeus to WCW -After such a successful WWF career (that's sarcasm folks) WCW's greatest faction decided to bring in Z-Gangsta as part of the Dungeon of Doom's evil plans to stop Hulk Hogan. Sadly he left his two appearances in WCW the same as he left the WWF...winless.
06.) Hak's Multiple WCW Gimmicks- It was hard to deny that at one point the Sandman was one of the most over guys in ECW. Well when financial hardships started to hinder the organization the Sandman had to go elsewhere. Upon debuting in WCW he was stuck in some weird storyline that thankfully never fully materialized. The story revolved around Raven's privileged upbringing and the Sandman was one of his rich snotty friends that he visited in some weird attempt to make peace with his past. Then he was repackaged and called "Hardcore Hak" and put in the absurdly bad WCW Hardcore division. Anytime Brian Knobbs gets a singles run, things aren't looking good for you. Not to mention the fact that the name "Hardcore Hak" always seemed like a bit of an insult meant to insinuate that the Sandman was a hasbeen. Well in terms of his WCW career he was more of a "never was."
05.) Gobbledy Gooker - For weeks prior to Survivor Series 1990 there was a giant egg in the background at all of the WWF events. Speculation began to grow as people anticipated the payoff of the story. When the payoff arrived, disappointment is definitely a word too small to describe the feelings of most fans. The giant egg hatched and from it emerged a giant turkey that danced around while the crowd booed. Poor Hector Guerrero had his gimmick dropped and almost immediately there was no more mention of the character again. Hector and the Gooker failed to make an impact, unless you count donning the costume a second time at WM 17 for the gimmick battle royal. On the plus side, that's two more paychecks than that gimmick ever should have received.
04.) The Leader of the Dungeon of Doom - This one is one of those things that will simply always be a mystery. After weeks of vignettes featuring Kevin Sullivan in the jungle hearing his name be called, Sullivan finally discovered a cave filled with a big fat old dude who hated Hulk Hogan. Thus the Dungeon of Doom was born. The weird thing about this is that the "leader" never wrestled nor did he even give any insight as to why he hated Hulk Hogan. By the time the Dungeon of Doom story had run it's course, the leader was long gone.
03.) The Yeti - Even attempting to type this is going to be hard. At Halloween Havoc 1995 WCW decided to prove that a big slab of ice is way different than a giant egg. When the ice melted a giant mummy dubbed the Yeti for reasons unknown, emerged and attempted to assist the Giant in his beatdown of Hulk Hogan. One thing they didn't count on was the wardrobe causing very limited movement of his arms, so what was supposed to be a vicious bear hug looked more like a not so viscous regular hug. To this day I'll never know if the Yeti hated or loved Hogan as he really didn't stick around long enough to let us know.
02.) The Shockmaster -Yep again, because being part of one of the worst entrance botches isn't enough.
01.) The Ultimate Warriror to WCW - Well after having a less than impressive end to his WWF career, ol' Easy E worked his magic and brought in the Warrior for a feud with Hogan. While he may have wanted to put an exclamation point at the end of that part of his wrestling career he ended up with a question mark. Following weird theatrics, mirror stalking, and what is deemed to be one of the worst matches of all time, the Warrior wasn't resigned to a WCW contract.
Well guys and gals I hope we had fun with this little stroll down memory lane as I know I did. Like I said, a little more straight forward then usual for me but I promise to return to your regularly scheduled program next time around. Again, I want to thank everyone for giving me the opportunity to shine on the main page once again, your support and criticism is what fuels me so don't be afraid to call my column a piece of shit. Lastly I want to congratulate ManWithThePlan for his very decisive win in his CSI effort. Good luck my friend and give them hell. That's going to do it for this edition, and as promised (yes I'm going to reiterate it again) things will be back to normal for #57.
As always I am Dr. Monkey, and you've just seen the world through my eyes.
