Posted in: Column of the Month Columns Forum Feature - Quote Me Happy ~ "Procrastination"
By Freeman
Oct 15, 2009 - 8:47:31 PM
The LOP Columns Forum is chock full of awesome writers. One of them goes by the name Freeman and he's made quite a name for himself in a short amount of time. Freeman recently posted his 20th column and it's received major praise from the CF regulars. General consensus suggested the piece could use some more exposure and here we are today. Prepare to bust a load and be sure to thank the man below afterwards at (freemanlop@googlemail.com).
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"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time"
Yo wassup? I'm here to write one of those columns that I post in the forums every now and then, so I may as well get the hell on with it. Actually, fuck that, I'm going to check Facebook first.
Right, lets be looking at some of them status updates, where dudes and dudettes type useless information that they think you'll be interested in. For some reason, I can't help but stalk everyone else's life, even though no one does anything remotely interesting, ever. So here goes...
"C.M Punk is in deep shit. Big mistake man. (About two minutes ago)"
Undertaker likes this.
Comment: Expect the world title in a few months then. Punk, being in the dog house seems to be a good thing for you, because every time you're apparently in it, your career takes a turn for the best. The first time you were supposedly thrown outside for being a bad dog and pissing all over the carpet, you won Money In The Bank. Then a few months later, you won the World Heavyweight Title thus receiving the biggest push of your entire career to that date, so I wouldn't worry too much. It has become apparent that The Undertaker is the biggest bitch in all of sports entertainment, as it is allegedly his fault that you're in this predicament in the first place. However, I will say this; what you did wasn't even that bad, and to be quite honest you probably would've lost the title anyway. I mean come on, two wins over The Undertaker just wasn't going to happen. A clean win would have been about as realistic as finding that TV program Frasier funny, and there aren't too many ways you can win unclean in a Hell In A Cell match, so really you can look at your grand punishment for pointing a simple fact out to the Underbitch as merely having to open the Pay Per View instead of main event it. Furthermore, speaking as an outsider looking in, I'd also hazard a guess that your so called punishment will end there, as what you did is the equivalent of petty crime in WWE, and no one ever gets a serious punishment for petty crime. It is a shame though, because all of this took place just as you were really starting to burgeon as a permanent main event fixture. One can only hope that you will be wearing one of the top two championships around your waste again in the not too distant future.
Speaking of The Undertaker, is it just me, or are his promos utter garbage? There are a lot of guys who unfortunately get the "same old shit" tag for whatever reason, but in my opinion no one is more deserving of such a tag than the Distinguished Demon of Ratting People Out To Management. Every single freakin' promo follows the same predictable pattern: "I will take your soul" blah blah. "I am the Demon of Death Valley" blah blah. "The ripper, I mean reaper of arse cracks" blah blah. "You will Rest. In. Peace." For chrissake, doesn't anyone else out there gets bored of the same old tripe after nearly two decades? He doesn't even deliver them in an interesting or engaging manner; it's the accompanying dry ice and dimly lit room that averts your attention away from his boring and mundane voice. I know it's his character and all, but I'd rather he stayed relatively silent than be let loose on the mic every week, because at the moment I'd rather sniff Joan Rivers' bear trap than have to sit through another damn Undertaker promo. Next status update please.
MVP is looking forward to his upcoming push, just in time for Wrestlemania as well (About five minutes ago)
Comment: Oh come on Porter, this just isn't happening, is it? If a main event push was going to happen at any stage in your career, the most likely time period for such an event should have been when you were first drafted to RAW. Unfortunately, despite many touting you as a future mega star in the company, you seem to be surprisingly not over with a large section of the WWE audience, and the lack of a crowd reaction when your entrance music hits is indeed worrying for someone who should be being catapulted into the main event pretty soon. Over the past couple of months, I've been constantly asking myself the same question about you, and I'd like to share that with you now: "How many times did you drop the soap in the shower on purpose when you were in prison?" Oh wait, that was my question for when I'm not posting this shit on the internet. Let's try that again: "Is it your fault that you get no crowd reaction, or are you a victim of poor booking?" It's an interesting question, and one that I'll try and answer. In your defence, I'm now pretty confident that the decision to turn you face in the first place, when you were getting a decent reaction as a heel, was pretty silly. Perhaps your stagnant position in the mid-card could also be attributed to your move to RAW, when realistically all you've done is job to the current main event guys since since making the jump. However, let's not let this argument get too one sided now, because you ou could probably do more to attempt to improve your crowd reaction. Could you not work harder improving your in ring ability? Could you not brainstorm a few ideas and pitch them to the creative team to help you get over? These are merely suggestions, and I apologise if you've tried some of these already, however there is only so much the creative team can do. If you want the main event, it will ultimately be down to you whether or not you sink or swim.
Anyway, what's new in my own personal social networking world. Oh, looky here...
"You have one friend request"
Yay, I wonder who that could be? (click)
No fuck that, you're Batista.
What's this?...
"Vince McMahon has invited you to join the group "Legalise Incestuous Relationships"
What is it with this guy and incest? There have been way too many examples of Vince pushing for story-lines of this nature in the past, and I for one find it slightly disturbing. Apparently, he pushed quite hard for a storyline a few years back involving incestuous activity between Ken Shamrock and his kayfabe sister, Ryan. It is believed that Ken's refusal to partake in such ridiculous shenanigans led to his fall out of favour with the company. I could almost exculpate Vinnie Mac for this if it was just a one off occurrence, because knowing the Internet it probably isn't true anyway. However, even if it was then hey, it was the Attitude Era, and this kind of crap would have been no more shocking then some of the other story-lines. It turns out this wasn't simply just an isolated moment of madness, as Vince's own daughter actually explained another nixed incest angle on an official WWE DVD. Here she provided details of perhaps the most disgusting idea ever pitched to creative since someone slapped together the names "Katie" and "Vick." In said idea, Vince was supposed to be revealed as the father of Steph's mini McMahon, until such a revelation would be exposed as poppycock and the true identity of the other parent would be named as none other than Steph's own brother, Shane. Vince could almost, almost be forgiven for these incidences, as like I said the ideas were pitched at a time when WWE were fighting a bitter ratings battle with WCW. However, the evidences that the one man jury consisting of yours truly that will be used to convict Vince of his perverted and warped ways, is the proposed incestuous relationship that would take place between on screen brother and sister Paul and Katie Lea Burchill. Vinnie, you weren't trying to win no ratings war here, which leads to believe that you should perhaps take a trip to see a psychiatrist, or...
Dolph Ziggler: Been trying to break into the main event you know? It's quite difficult sometimes, but a little while ago I pitched what I thought was a good idea to the creative team.
Freeman: Care to share?
Dolph Ziggler: Well I had this idea where I would be filming Maria watching homosexual necrophiliac incestuous senior citizen strap on porn, whilst being rogered by The Great Khali.
Freeman: Ew, that's disgusting!
Dolph Ziggler: Yeah, then I'd jump in, and since she never takes the money shot on the face, I'd spit on her back so she thinks I've ejaculated, then when she turns round I'd unleash my unborn children all over that pretty face! Ha! Take that bitch, and score one for the Zigmesister! We'd then do some angle where I threaten to release the tape if she doesn't comply with my wishes. Thoughts?
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...
Sick bastard. Although I'm quite disappointed that the storyline appears to have ended, as I was hoping it would lead to some kind of heel turn for Maria. In fact, I was hoping for just a little bit more out of it; seems like there was little point in running it in the first place if all it lead to was a few backstage segments and piss all else. It might not be over just yet, as there may be some fall out on the next episode of Smackdown, however I wouldn't be surprised if WWE just totally forgot about it and never mentioned it again. Actually come to think of it, Maria's pretty hot, think I'll go ahead and check her photos out on her profile.
"View photos of Maria Kanellis..." (click)
Holy shit. What. The. Fuck.
Guess that mofo Ziggles was telling the truth. This makes me sick, and what the hell is Khali doing with his fist? Never mind. Oh look...
"Matt Hardy invited you to the event "My Birthday Celebration ~ All you can eat buffet!"
You fat fuck.
I'm not going to attend this, and by the way, so much for turning this guy into the next Jeff Hardy. One of the main reasons why Matt will never reach the same heights as his brother, is that...
Matt Hardy: You're not coming to my birthday party?
Freeman: No way man, I'm not encouraging you with an all you can eat buffet.
Matt Hardy: What's that supposed to mean?
Freeman: Look dude, you're nearly as fat as Mickie James, and that's saying something. For a professional athlete who supposedly has to train and work out everyday, it baffles me as to how you got to be such a chunky monkey. Maybe if you hit the gym once in a while rather than stuff your face with food, you might be considered for a push or something, and maybe even a championship belt. It's about time you raised your game a bit anyway, start taking more exercise and eating less cream cakes. You've been in WWE about ten years now and all you've done is fart around the mid-card. Try harder.
Matt Hardy: I know but I've been trying man. It's just that ever since I broke up with Lita I've been on a such a downer, in fact I've really truly got over her. Now all that helps me ease the pain is comfort eating.
Freeman: Right.
Matt Hardy: I'm slowly getting there, but God I miss that chick dude. I mean she just spectacular in bed. We used to watch homosexual necrophiliac incestuous senior citizen strap on porn together, whilst both being rogered by The Great Khali. Since she never took the load on her mug, I'd cum in my hand and then when she turned round, I'd fling that shit spiderman's web style in her face. Then we'd all sit around jerking each other while talking about how good it is watching reruns of Frasier. Thoughts?
Freeman: The fuck is wrong with you people?
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