Posted in: Column of the Month May COTM - 'International Fun Slide' by cicero
By cicero
Jun 16, 2009 - 5:05:22 AM
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Every month, the Columnist of the Month contest is held in the LOP Columns Forum. The winning columnist gets to have one of his columns posted on the main page. This month, there were several contenders, but this guy ran away with it in the end. He's been threatening to win for a while, and finally, here he is. Please welcome cicero and his column, International Fun Slide.
International fun Slide [remix], by Cicero
Introductions, introductions, introductions... I’m too upset to introduce myself.
(Note- this column is a collection of originally three seperate pieces that together formed a rather ridiculous hair trilogy. As such feel free to ignore the references to past work. There's a new column at the end aswell.)
“What makes an epic wrestling beard?” I am often asked. Why do they ask me this? I do not always know, perhaps I asked them first- but that would just be silly. They often ask me this all the same.
“And just who are, ‘they’?” I ask while we’re on the subject.
Silence.
A wrestling beard, if great, requires of it in qualities that radiate its glory; otherwise vocally expressed as- ‘it needs to be big’. One cannot be performing on the grandest stages the world has to offer whilst sporting some Nancy Drew inspired goatee, if you be rocking the face fuzz it better be loud and proud. Cover your thinking limb in public pubes, allow to wax the wane of your sideways whiskers, and never fear the razor nose guard. Beards of epic nature can be of many shapes and styles, but priority numero uno should be that the nosebleeds can tell the difference.
Other factors can weigh into the success of epic achievement in the field of wrestling beards; how cool it is, how well it fits the character, how well one does at keeping their breakfast out of it- but there is only one other necessity to making of said epic beard. A truly epic wrestling beard needs be kept for lengths of time that border on the ‘lengthy’, to do otherwise is a sin so grievous as to immediately pencil one in for private penance with Paul.
Thus we have the beard of epic wrestling proportions, big and long lasting.
[Insert up all night joke]
*canned laughter*
The pros and cons of epic wrestling beardage- as unevenly divided into 13 unfriendly statements
1- To con is to cheat, so to con an epic wrestling beard one must cheat us of greatness. Chris Jericho is one such man to cheat and thus to the surprise of no one we find him sporting a most horrendous chin carpet. Tell me if you will that his beard fits the character and that my frustration with it is merely good heel work on Jericho’s part, but fuck you all for saying that because that ‘thing’ meekly pasted on his mouth box is no beard in my book.
2- Bums often have beards, tis very chic these days, as the wrestling equivalent of a bum Necro Butcher sports a rather fantastic backwards hair mountain. Accordingly Butcher can easily be showered with praises of an awesome nature- his epic beard makes sure of it.
3- WWE RAW Troopertar Mike Knox has a similar beard to Necro’s, and yet it’s nearly not as epic… must be something to do with the nature of cool.
4- Whilst maybe a little on the small side I’d happily place among the epic pantheon of wrestling beards that of the Undertakers facial forest, a great example of how longevity helps the cause of epic. With that being said he needs to ditch the soul patch, bro’.
5- So… never type ‘wrestling beards’ into the Google image search engine; bad times.
6- Barely moving away from the path of penis we have the Macho Man, Randy Savage; who looks like a triangle. Epic beard though, some might say it made the man, was undoubtedly a huge part of his career- no doubt drawing much power from it throughout his steroid powered punch outs.
7- Likewise on the path of quality reasons to grow Cherokee face masks of epic proportions would be the ‘stache of one Jake ‘Teh Snake’ Roberts. Some call him one of the greatest performers of all time, others a drug addled rent boy, either way whatever psychotic personality Teh Snake might be rocking I’d expect it has much to do with his mustache.
8- (o.k. so technically it isn’t an epic beard but come on, respect the ‘stache. Besides its capacity for awesome thought seems like a great way to end this bit.
What do I mean end? There’s still five things to go, so for reasons of a fuck you nature here are five wrestlers desperately in need of epic wrestling beardage- as largely illustrated with 5 poorly edited pictures
9-
Angle is already a living legend in the wrestling business, and what with his amateur background and all why not mirror yourself after the legends before you?
10-
A new prophet for a new millennium, Batista; dishing out divine punishment through botched powerbombs.
11-
He already has the crazy eyes and could quite easily play WWE’s Delirious (with Kane as Jimmy Jacobs… actually that’s not a bad idea).
12-
This picture came from a site called ‘hunky male celebs’, the rest just sort of fell into place.
13-
It’s what he always wanted.
I often can be heard to say, “Real men have chest hair”, perhaps I only say this on account of my own heartily bespectacled chest of hairy and any future attempts I may pursue at achieving teh sexy times, but I believe it all the same. In honour of this I (attempt to) present the five wrestling chests of most epic hairy, as accompanied by some rather poorly edited pictures.
I began my quest by searching for a picture of the A-Train, this is what I found;
A twelve year old Japanese transvestite. Perhaps Google was merely pointing me in the direction of what the A-Train is into under the assumption that I could only be searching for this bum so as to find ways to insult him...
...anyway I kept on trucking along in search of photographic evidence of the A-Trains epic chest hair, at which point I came upon this;
...
If this alone weren’t distracting enough once I’d allowed my curiosity to take the better of me and follow the source of the picture... well...
“I like to do sex on a train”
Was the first line that got me, in all its wondrous ‘Engrish’ glory. The blog of some sex crazed Asian chick proved to be quite a reward for my curiosity.
“So long since have dick inside”
Her posts continued like this, making obtuse and slightly offbeat sexual comments to the tune of broken English, and I’d be lying if I were to say the course of my column was not diverted for some dozen or so minutes. I wasn’t turned on mind, frankly the website depicts a picture of a rather filthy girl (not the good kind), but rather I found myself fascinated by the depravity exhibited on this girls public forum. Without doubt the gem of my investigations was what the chick rather aptly describes as her “to do list”, a collection of some truly horrific sounding sexual exploits the vast majority of which have been completed (including, “someone take photo of me do the shit”). Of particular enjoyment were her desires for multiple partners, all neatly divided into various ranges (5-10, 11-15, etc) showing a level of dedication far and beyond what one might normally expect from your typical deviant.
Of course I’m veering wildly of course here (lewd sexual dialogue will do that to a man) so with the goal of wrenching myself free of what is basically porn we move on to the next in our list of epically chested individuals of the hairy variety, Mae Young.
Yep, that should get me back on track. How about one for the ladies now?
Check out that ugly bastard up there, mind you least he’s sporting some chest hair- just like all real mean should. In saying that I quite loathe to call HBK a ‘man’, I see him as more of dickhead wrapped in dickheads clothing (or in this case wrapped in a no doubt very smelly championship belt). How about we move onto some real men then? Some real ‘men’s men’, the kind of men who- you know- really dig being a man;
Whilst researching the epic chest hair wrestlers (still waiting on a picture of the A-Train) I happened upon secret interior WWE memo’s detailing the plans for a new line of wrestling actions figures. It appears that, according to market research, the primary bulk of WWE action figures are no longer being sold to pre-teens and pimpled pubescent’ but are now more likely to find their way into the hands (or anus if Pat Patterson is to be believed) of young gay men across the country. Apparently with the demise of Barbie and the continued emasculation of GI Joe WWE wrestling figures have become the new display doll of choice for the modern fudge packer. Hoping to capitalise on this burgeoning market designers were instructed to make new toys that would appeal to the various homo sexual sub cultures, in that vein the above two dolls are a part of the ‘pre-teen bear range’ which, and I’m now quoting from the memo, “...combine to provide your son the perfect opportunity to play out future post puberty scenario’s in the comfort of his bedroom”. It comes with the dildo as well so that should save all you parents a little dough come Christmas time.
I think Vince has a winner there.
By this point in my journey I was starting to run out of steam. Originally I had set out to construct something around the five individuals who most embody the spirit of epic wrestling chest hair, but since having failed to find a picture for this mythical A-Train creature I was swiftly losing focus on what I was supposed to be doing. In a last ditch effort to save both my column and my sanity I returned to the scene of the crime and attempted to start all over- typing A-Train into the Google image search.
...
I had expected porn so imagine my surprise when I found an actual picture of the A-Train, here- check it out;
What perfect wrestling chest hair he has.
(p.s- who the fuck doesn’t shave their chest and cover themselves in baby oil before they wrestle anyway? Epic chest hair... what teh fuck I say, what teh fuck.)
Welcome lovers to my latest playground fantasy, full of fudge packing and pink slits galore. Apparently then for this past week (or two) I have been feverishly fermenting a trilogy of wrestling hair columns. Believe me when I say dear reader that this is as much news to me as it is to you. Regardless of confusion though I have never been one to turn down a challenge (save when SkittleZ challenged me to make him cum) and as such present for you, my tortured audience, the finale of this three part monstrosity;
Back Hair (+ knuckle, leg, feet, shoulder, pubic, and belly)
Ignoring the obvious for the time being I popped on over to Google image search in hopes of learning the secrets of wrestling back hair (+ knuckle, leg, feet, shoulder, and belly). Rather un-shockingly I found this;
What this man is doing in a search for ‘wrestling back hair’ I do not know, he doesn’t even have any back hair for a start. Of course it’s not like I should be surprised, as I’ve already pointed out in the past the majority of wrestlers shave off any body hair they deem unseemly. Indeed in all my time spent searching for the hirsute side of humanity I only ever managed to find one picture that truly encapsulated the disgusting spirit of this column;
Not that one mind, I just felt like posting that anyway, rather the sole item of irrefutably hairy wrestling material I found was;
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet, that’s horrible. It’s no surprise the bulk of greased grapplers choose to shave their muscled mass, frankly I’d say it’s for the greater good if our only alternative is that thing up there.
So that’s enough of that then.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This was actually written before Extreme Rules. It is only thanks to my own ineptness that cicero appears to be predicting a PPV that has already happened. Apologies.
International fun Slide
What better time to write then when hung-over?
In keeping with the times, and perhaps in some crassly crafted construction of subconscious narcissism, I choose to once more thrust myself deep into the world of pay per view prediction. So without further frivolous banter let us get down to the brass tacks of this Sunday’s WWE Extreme Rules (poo poo name) PPV extravaganza.
(Matches in the ascending order I took from Wikipedia)
Randy Orton (c) vs. Dave ‘Rawr’ Batista
I despise my ever worsening inability to begin anything with any semblance or rule or norm, rather than blaming this perilous pratfall on a prick like me though I’ll choose instead to persecute the petulant pre-pubescents of the offices of World Wrestling Entertainment and in particular one man’s ever growing inability to admit failure. If I (and by extension the three gremlins who forever stand by my side) did not care for this pitiful bout when it was last poked on stage for our amusement then what possible reason could there be for such a change in persuasion? Pah, I say, pah! These cretins deserve few more words from me. Poo Poo face Orton to retain.
The Big Show vs. John Cena
My god it’s as if they want me to hate it, like they’ve actually gone out of their way to single out every possible way to a craft a truly detestable (in my eyes) wrestling show; indeed if I were what they call a vain man I might even be so inclined as to sue the company for emotional and psychological distress so deftly mirroring my every deepest wrestling fear as they are. Truly this is the harbinger of sorrow, the first subtle cries of the coming apocalypse, a ‘holy freaking shit on a stick don’t look back lest ye be turned to sodium chloride’ submission match between “I’m too big to be moved” ‘Show and John “I’m too stupid to wrestle” Cena. I shudder not simply at the prospect of how epically awful this encounter could be but also at the idea that someone out there may actually be looking forward to this tripe. Never bet against Cena, dude sucks too good a dick for that.
Edge (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
Bring forth the insulting cries of “Judgement Day with weapons” for this match will do little to sway your opinion, in fact as this match seems so very near to its predecessor need I do anything more than copy and paste my thoughts from my previous prediction piece? Let us find out;
For all the recent praise I heaped on wrestling’s only Friday night show I’m afraid to say my (apparently shocking) contentment for the program does not extend all the way to the top of the card. It’s not that I’m a Hardy hater or decry the egomania of Edge but rather I very simply find myself not caring about this match. Edge is overrated as it is anyway (he’s really no more talented than John Cena) nor could anyone confuse the now sober Jeff Hardy for being charismatic, say what you will about the ‘presence’ of these two competitors in the ring but the fact is this match really has no more going for it than a blu-ray release of Margret Thatcher masturbating. Neither of these men seems too enamoured with wrestling at this moment so there’s really no point in moving the belt off Edge until you find someone who is.
Hmmm... most similar indeed. With that being said I will add one caveat which is that with all those recent reports about Jeff Hardy’s floundering interest in wrestling and an apparently stated desire to take an extended break (coupled with a few other opportunistically timed “spoilers”) one would think to make this an easy call in the favour of old mister Hardy since, after all, Vince is an idiot.
Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Chris Jericho
I refuse to be a part of this redundancy any longer, here once more are my thoughts from the last time (less than a fudge judging month ago) these two locked horns;
Not long back I malevolently mocked, quite maliciously in all honesty, the supposed dream match of ‘Taker and Michaels at the supposed twenty fifth anniversary of Wrestlemania (supposedly the “grand daddy of them all). My point then was that the two geriatric wankers had already wrestled in a ‘dream’ match just over a decade ago, i.e. at a time when the geriatric part of the term ‘geriatric wankers’ did not apply. Suffice to say I am applying much of the same logic to this contest in which we have a pair of former cruiserweight greats trading fisty-cuffs over a title that could likewise be described as ‘formerly great’. That being said however perhaps the big double dub E deserves some credit for having rather quite effectively booked this match as if it actually meant something, not only are the wrestlers themselves being treated as name parts of the main event but with the feud at least partly focused on the Intercontinental title by the time this show is over Vince and co may have successfully re-established this once prestigious belt. With all the good coming from this match who even cares that Rey Mysterio is going to win.
Ditto.
CM Punk vs. Umaga
Fuck you. The fat one.
Santina Marella (c[sp?]) vs. Vicki Gurerro
I’m actually looking forward to this match (not that I’m actually going to watch the show mind) not for any reason of wrestling based logic but rather because it’s nice break from all the Randy Orton’s and John Cena’s of the world who normally take up TV and pay per view time; and hell, maybe it won’t be quite as bad as we think (which in the WWE Universe is tantamount to winning a small war). No contest anyone?
Christian (c) vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (hopefully for the last time) I do not watch Moderately Extreme Championship Wrestling since if the real ECW was a lions roar then by comparison this new swill is the Meow show. For the hell of it let’s say Dreamer
Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy
I hate Matt Hardy, am a fan of Regal’s, indifferent to Porter, and somewhat in tune with Kofi Kingston; just thought I’d tell you a little bit about myself, from me to you ya dig? Here’s another personal fact for ya’ll, I don’t watch RAW. Guess my excitement level for this match. In saying that it should be fun with Matt Hardy coming out on top
