Posted in: The Classroom The Classroom - After School Detention: Monday Night Raw
By Sean Taylor
Aug 21, 2009 - 3:17:05 AM
"Has anyone actually thought about DX’s pre-match catchphrases? Either you get ready to suck it or if you don’t like that . . . . well, suck it. Either way, you’re sucking it."
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Classroom. Since finishing the History Of: Wrestling Movies series, I have been rejuvenated into writing columns again. I’ve got tons of ideas floating around in my head and it’s just a matter of picking them out and getting them down on paper . . . er, on virtual paper. Whatever. Regardless, consider this the rebirth of The Classroom. More History Ofs, more Teacher’s Lounges, more After School Detentions.
Speaking of After School Detentions, welcome to the latest edition of ASD. This time around we’re going punish an entity that has been slacking off as of late – Monday Night Raw. All of you Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy fans can sit back and relax because those two are safe . . . for now. Enough stalling. Let’s get to it.
Throughout my life, things have changed. Love gained and love lost. Childhood fantasies of becoming a doctor, fireman, or professional wrestler gave way to my lack of interest in school, fear of getting burned, and being less than not athletic. Even entertainment changes. Movies used to be new and imaginative. Now they are predictable, boring, and often re-hashed from a previous story. Music went from being “I have to buy that tape/CD” to “I have to download that one song”. Television shows went from hilarious sit-coms and nail-biting dramas to reality shows and primetime game shows. I was born in 1980 and growing up, it was like living to good life in a good and decent world. Nowadays there seems to be more negativity surrounding me than at any other time in history. But as bad as the world was or no matter what lemon life had thrown at me, for as long as I can remember, there was always one bright spot.
That bright spot was WWE Monday Night Raw.
Ever since 1995, I did my absolute best to catch Raw. Sometimes I had to wait until midnight or even Tuesday afternoon because TSN would pre-empt Raw for hockey playoffs or that retarded Westminster Dog Show (what a fucking dog show was doing on a sports network, I’ll never know). With the advent of the Internet and, eventually, YouTube, I could relive the great moments I’d just watched over and over. It is the longest running television show with nearly 1000 episodes. It has had its good moments and its bad moments but the greatest thing about it is it’s always there. In a mid-1990s ad, a small boy asked “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “Will you guys ever go on strike?” Savage replied, “No, never.”
But lately, I kind of wish they would.
Recently, Monday Night Raw seems to be more like Monday Night There’s-Nothing-Else-On. There are entertaining things that happen on Raw but on the whole, there are not too many memorable moments. Even during the ill-remembered Invasion angle or the McMahon Illegitimate Son days, you were at least talking to your friends about what happened on Raw. Nowadays, it’s more like “Hey, you see Raw?” “Yeah, DX was funny.” “Yeah, you read on LordsofPain that Eugene was fired?”
Keep in mind as you read this column that I have been, and always have been, a “WWE guy”. More importantly, I’ve always been a “Raw guy”. There are only a handful of television shows I go out of my way to watch. Raw has always been on the top of that list. I want Raw to get better. I want to have that fire of “I have to get home in time for Raw!” But lately it’s become harder and harder to not to express my displeasure for my favourite show. After the August 17th episode of Raw, I had no choice but to bring it into After School Detention. And here’s why…
Sound Bites Are Better Than No Bites
Before I start in about commentary and commentators, I know the big argument will be “But they are produced by Vince in the back.” While I don’t disregard this as what probably happens, I think it’s a cop-out that allows the commentators to slack off. The only person to make a big deal about Vince producing them (telling them what to say in the headset) was Mick Foley and quite frankly, I’ve heard Foley’s commentary and I’d produce him too.
It seems that, lately, the commentating on Raw has gone way downhill. If you haven’t watched in a while, the first you’ll notice is that nobody is cheering on the heels. When you have two commentators playing the face role, the commentary becomes lopsided. There’s no insight into the mind of the heels in the match and no one is telling their story. It seems like every time Randy Orton or Chris Jericho viciously attack someone, the commentators are guessing at why they are doing it or, my favourite line, “Why is he doing that? There’s no cause for that!” Effectively, what you’re saying is that, at that time, the heel is doing something for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Think about that for a second. A “bad guy” is doing something for no . . . fuck . . . reason. Something inside Jericho’s mind told him to just run to ring and beat up John Cena. There’s no reason behind it, he was just thinking, “This coffee is too hot and Big Show’s taking a nap . . . maybe some ringside interference while cure my boredom”.
At least if there is a heel commentator, there is a sense that what a heel is doing makes sense. Besides that, a heel commentator can create conflict behind the mic to go with the conflict in the ring. Paul Heyman and Bobby “The Brian” Heenan were great at annoying and arguing with their respective face play-by-play men but the best of all time was Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Not only would he argue with Vince McMahon or Gorilla Monsoon, he’d also pull off the old fashion trick of saying the heels cheating is okay but cheating by the faces isn’t. Classic stuff.
Let’s look at the commentators themselves. The first thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is Michael Cole. Why does Michael Cole stick out like a sore thumb? Because he has the charisma of a thumb. Look at your thumb. That is Michael Cole. Your thumb is Michael Cole. Giving him credit where it’s due, he’s a lot better than he used to be. But that’s like saying the shit you had today was better than the shit you had yesterday. Michael Cole is just bad. Recently, he said, "For the first time in nearly two years, Randy Orton and John Cena go one-on-one for the WWE Title!" I know he was told to say that in a way that would pump up the fans for the audience but it sounded more like an apology that we were getting the same match again. While I appreciate the apology, he’s not doing his job. He should make me want to buy the pay-per-view or care about the match. To me, he sounds too much like a giddy eight-year old who gets to sit at ringside. It’s okay to get excited but he should only be as excited as the crowd is.
But as bad as Michael Cole is, he’s not the weakest link in the chain. Jerry “The King” Lawler is an empty shell of his former self. Talk about a great heel commentator. Lawler used to be the bane of the commentator’s table existence. Now, he’s a goofy, corny-joke telling, skirt-chaser who adds absolutely nothing to the commentary. Lawler’s commentary is like Jeff Foxworthy doing two hours of You Might Be A Redneck jokes. The first ten minutes are funny but by the end, you just want it to stop.
One more disturbing trend in Raw commentary lately has been utter lack of it. During dramatic moments, the commentators just stop talking. They stop fucking talking! When the action is at its apex, there’s nobody calling that action. What fucking sense does that make? I understand that when there’s no commentary it makes the scene more dramatic but when it’s happening every week and almost two to three times an episode, it really diminishes the effect. Ever watched Spanish soap operas? You know how like every two minutes that ominous music plays and it makes it more funny than serious? Yeah, same thing. Though that would that be a great job. You’re hired to do commentary during a match – you’re hired to TALK during a match – and in end you don’t have to talk at all. Try that at your job. Work for about an hour and then just stop. Just fucking stop. Sit there and do nothing. When your boss asks you why you’ve stopped working, tell him you’re just adding to the dramatic moment. If he doesn’t fire you or at least stare at you like you’ve gone clinically insane, you have the greatest job in the world!
Hey Everyone! We Don’t Suck Anymore! We Promise!
Is it just me or are the Did You Know? graphics getting less and less impressive and more and more sad? I mean, really. It was cool for a while to see the statistics about how great WWE.com or Raw stood up against their competition but after a while it began to look like the WWE is saying, “We are cool! Aren’t we cool? We’re cool, right?” Major accomplishments are one thing but comparing your magazine sales against the summer sales of Sports Illustrated doesn’t really hold much water. It doesn’t. Honestly, Sports Illustrated is only really popular when the swimsuit issue comes out and maybe around Superbowl time. Other than that their articles are about pointless things like women’s soccer and NBA getting arrested for the fifth time.
And I can’t help but question the effectiveness of running these graphics during Raw itself. You don’t have to impress the WWE audience because THEY ARE ALREADY WATCHING. If you want to draw in more fans, advertise during other shows. I’m not a marketing executive but it makes sense to me.
Where Is This Going?
Two weeks ago, Sgt. Slaughter was the special guest host while Raw was in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Before the show, I wondered why the WWE would make a flag-waving, American hero the special guest host of Raw in Canada. But ok, he turns out to be playing a heel for the night. Ok, that’s all well and good. He mocks the Canadian flag and teases Celine Dion and Bret “The Hitman” Hart (so-called Canadian heroes. Ask any Canadian what they think of Celine Dion. I dare you.). In the end, Slaughter has a change of heart and, to satisfy the fans, books a tag team match for the next week between John Cena & Randy Orton and Chris Jericho & Big Show. Let’s look at the facts here. We all know that Slaughter will only be in charge – even on camera – for one week. He’s having fun mocking the Canadians. So the unwritten rules of wrestling state there has to be a payoff. A Canadian will kick his ass or somehow the fans get their revenge by the end of the night. But do they? Not really. Slaughter has a three second turn and books a match that was so obvious even Helen Keller could have seen it coming (She was blind, people!).
Maybe it’s just sour grapes because I happen to be a proud Canadian – I weigh myself in kilograms, eat Kraft Dinner, and drive with only one knee – but it seems like Slaughter’s entire act that night was a big joke for American fans at the Canadian fans’ expense. But really, can the WWE afford to alienate an entire country these days. Oh, who am I kidding? Canadians will still watch. Not much to do even though our summer ends after our October Thanksgiving.
Speaking of storylines going nowhere, let’s talk about Evan Bourne. Bourne joins Raw in a huge trade with ECW (how any trade with ECW can be described as “huge” with a straight face is beyond me) and the announcers are pumping this kid with more hype than Star Wars Episode 1. He’s fantastic, he’s amazing, he’s electrifying, he’s the future of Raw. He pulls off an upset over Jack Swagger in the Beat The Clock Challenge and now he’s practically the Jesus Christ of the WWE according to the announcers. Then what happens? He loses every week since then. Wow. And Vince McMahon wonders why they can’t create new stars.
Let’s turn our attention to the most wasteful angle going on right now. For at least two months now, Chavo Geurrero has been facing Hornswoggle in some kind of gimmick match each and every week. We could be seeing great tag team feuds with Legacy, Cryme Tyme, or The Hart Dynasty but instead we get a guy who was only famous because his uncle died losing to a midget. (By the way, how much must it suck to be Chavo? His aunt was only on television for four years tops and she’s more known in the wrestling world than he is – and he’s been around for two decades.) Is anyone actually enjoying this? Does anyone look forward to these matches? If you do, please let me know. And also tell me which illegal, hardcore narcotic is your preferred choice. What’s the best that can come out of this? Hornswoggle is put over a valid wrestler in the WWE? Not likely. Chavo finally gets a win in the end? So what? He’s already lost like a dozen matches to a two-foot midget. One win is not going to negate those losses. Plus, when does the payoff match happen for this “feud”? A pay-per-view? Well, I guess if Kane vs Khali gets a spot on SummerSlam, then anything is possible. But honestly, where is this going? I think the better question is, does anyone care? And if the answer to the latter is “no one”, then I have one more question. What’s the fucking point?
Oh wait, I know the fucking point. Markswoggle. No, wait. Fuck that.
Definition: Clusterfuck
Clusterfuck (adj) – 1) commonly used to descriptively generalize any situation with a large scale of disarray. 2) Large quantity of confused people in a disorganized manner.
What better way to describe the WWE United States Championship? Someone tell me who is in the running for the US Title. Please? I honestly can’t tell. One week, it’s Swagger. The next, it’s MVP. The next, it’s Big Show. Quite frankly, if you told me hat Kofi Kingston is even IN the US Title division, I would honestly be surprised. Now, the Miz has openly said he wants the US Title. Fuck, give it to him! In the past year, he’s the first one to actually come out and say that he wants it. I often wonder how a US Title match is booked backstage. I picture it looks something like this:
Time: Monday Night. 9:37pm
Vince McMahon: Ok, it’s time for the US Title match. Who’s the champion?
Pat Patterson: Kofi Kingston.
Vince: Coffee Kingstown?
Pat: No, Kofi Kingston.
Vince: Whatever. Send him to the ring.
Pat: Kofi! You’re up!
(Kofi grabs his belt and skips to the ring yet again.)
Vince: Ok, who’s he fighting?
Pat: Show?
Vince: No, he’s in the main event.
Pat: Swagger?
Vince: No. He’s too lispy.
Pat: Chavo?
Vince: He just lost a Gloryhole on a Pole Match to a fucking midget, Pat. Wake up!
Pat: Want to do what we usually do?
Vince: Fine.
(Vince presses a button sitting next to his computer and a small sign illuminates above him. The sign says “Now Serving: 23”. Suddenly, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan round the corner.)
Duggan: Alright, here we go. Time for ol’ Hacksaw to get some TV time.
Vince: I don’t think so. Get back there.
(Duggan walks back dejected.)
Pat: But Vince, we need an opponent for Kofi.
Vince: Fine. Get me that chick with the hair.
Pat: Carlito?
Vince: Yeah. Her.
Breasts, Thighs, and a Side of Who Gives A Shit
Speaking of dead divisions, on Raw we also have the Diva’s division. This division features the Diva’s Championship matches probably better known as the Bathroom Break Championship matches. At the risk of sounding very sexist, women have no place in a professional wrestling ring – not anymore. Trish Stratus, Lita, Victoria, and Molly Holly revolutionized women’s wrestling in the late 1990s. The Divas of today’s WWE landscape, however, have moved the entire women’s rights movement back to the 1950s. That is no more prevalent than on Raw where whenever a Diva’s music hits, I turn to KMA Jackson and ask, “Who is this?” Only half the time, Jackson actually knows himself.
Have you heard the crowd during a Diva’s match? Neither have I. Number one contender matches are announced like this: “The following match is scheduled for one fall and the winner will receive a future Diva’s Championship match.” A FUTURE Diva’s Championship match. Kind of makes it sound like the match might take place at a pay-per-view, right? Yeah, it does. But the very next week, the future Diva’s Championship match happens. Ok, well, a week later IS the future technically. But the champion retains. Why? Because she’s not injured. Any other reason? No. If the champion isn’t injured, she’ll successfully defend her title. If she’s injured, she’ll lose. Unless it’s Mickie James. She’ll lose to practically anyone at any time. Exciting shit, eh?
Yeah you’re right. It’s not exciting at all. I was only half right.
Who's Really Running The Show?
Ok, ok, now it’s time to discuss the elephant in the room. We all know the big angle that’s been designed to keep us watching during the usually long, boring summer months. Every week on Raw, the WWE has brought in a special celebrity guest host. Now, I want to state very clearly that I like this idea. The idea of drumming up mainstream attention by bringing in legitimate celebrities does nothing but good things for the WWE and professional wrestling as a whole. It’s a genius move on the part of Vince McMahon or whoever thought of it. I believe that the hosts who have already appeared have done a pretty good job and looking at the list of possible future celebrities, I think there are going to be some really cool moments. I am particularly looking forward to Robert Englund, who played Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street movie series.
As much as I am into this angle, there is one major flaw. Let me put it this way. Let’s pretend that you are a famous Hollywood actor. You’ve won three Oscars in the last three years and your latest movie stayed number one at the box office for the last seven weeks. Finally, you get the call. Vince McMahon wants you to host the next episode of Raw. You can make any match you want. You can have the Divas dance around in bikinis. You can book the main event for the next pay-per-view. You can do ANYTHING you want.
Here’s my question: What would you book?
Obviously, the WWE isn’t going to allow an outsider to actually decide what matches take place on Raw. But in the world of Kayfabe, where all wrestling shows take place, the idea is that these guest hosts really do have that power. So then why does the guest hosts’ booking seem to be the same as regular the WWE writers’ booking? If I was a General Manager for one night only, I wouldn’t piss it away with Chavo vs Hornswoggle XXIII or a pointless Diva’s tag match. I’d book ladder matches, World Title matches, or maybe even a Hell in a Cell or two. I certainly wouldn’t book John Cena and Triple H against Randy Orton and Legacy in a handicap match (the most clichéd gimmick match of the last three years).
I know what you’re thinking. “Certainly, you can’t expect Raw wrestlers to go out each and every week into high impact, exciting, pay-per-view style matches, can you Sean?” My answer: You fucking right I do. Imagine matches pitting true athletes against each other in five-star contests or blood feuds continuing with emotionally driven matches or the WWE Title defended against top contenders on free TV. If you saw these kinds of matches each and every single week on Raw, wouldn’t you tune in? Yes, you would or you wouldn’t be allowed to call yourself a wrestling fan.
“But, Sean, that will increase the risk of wrestlers getting injured.” I know that and I still think it’s a good idea. The WWE action has been very slow-paced and sloppy over the recent months. Quite frankly, it’s time for a gut-check. I say, let’s make the wrestlers work for their guaranteed contracts and television bonuses. Let’s see who CAN go out one week, leave it in the ring, and come back and do it again the next week. Let’s finally separate the men from the boys and the true future stars from the coasters and slackers in the WWE. If you can’t hack it week in and week out, then make like the company’s logo change and get the “F” out! I am sick and tired of putting my time, money, and interest into guys who have mediocre talent, fuddle their way through a barely presentable two-star matches, and then piss it all away by foolishly smoking, shooting, or popping something that makes them fail a piss test. This is WWE Raw Goddammit! This is the biggest show you’ll ever perform on. If you don’t want to treat it like the blessing it is, then step out of the way and get the fuck off my television! TNA’s World Champion is a pill popping, drunk driving, woman beating asshole. Go there and fuck up your career. I don’t want any part of you. Just don’t be surprised when you’re jobbed to Scott “Tits On A Bull” Steiner seven months in a row. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
Can I get a “Hell Yeah!”?
Punishment and Sentencing
Monday Night Raw, you have been found guilty of many disappoints and flat-out atrocities. I love ya but you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to end up in a place I can’t follow. We’ve been through some rough and troubled times and I’ve always had faith in you. And it’s as such a loyal friend, I have no choice but to lay down the punishments. It’s for your own good. Now, shut up and pay attention.
Your punishment is to sit there with eyes wide while I warm the projector and subject you to the black and white film reel entitled “Fire Safety And You”.
5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . beep!
STOP – Stop the horrible commentating. Jerry Lawler can do much better and he damn well better start. When Lawler gets better, Michael Cole will follow suit. He has to. Following someone else’s lead is what Cole does best. Stop with the Did You Know? graphics. They are not working and touting your own success to the fans who are still watching is just simply retarded. Stop the pointless Chavo vs Hornswoggle matches. There are better ways to put over Mark Henry – even if no one will care anyway.
DROP – First off, drop the Diva’s from inside the ring to the outside. You hired them because they looked good, not because of their wrestling skills. Put them into the only role they are suited for: valets and arm-candy. And for fuck’s sake, drop Gail “Blown Spot” Kim from the roster completely. She’s awful in the ring and just going to end up hurting someone – and with my luck, it won’t be just herself. Secondly, drop anyone for even thinking about taking a steroid, doing drugs, or anything that violates the Wellness Policy. You are the premiere show in the wrestling world. If your roster wants to be there, let them prove it.
ROLL – From now on, you will have no more recesses or lunch breaks. You will remain in the Classroom until you are done. I sentence you to stay locked in detention with the greatest wrestling minds at your disposal. You will not be allowed to leave until you have completed Phase One of this punishment. Phase One consists of a very simple task. Write down classic wrestling storylines updated so it fits in today’s society. Once you have a year’s worth of storylines, you’ll be allowed out of the room to begin Phase Two. Phase Two is even simpler. Roll with it. If the storyline is working, roll with it. If the crowd gets into something that you weren’t expecting, roll with it. If something catches the fans eye, roll with it. And if something isn’t working at all, roll it right out the door. It’s a very simple philosophy. I’m surprised you can’t figure it out considering you’re the one who came up with that philosophy back in 1997.
There you have it. Maybe you’re wondering why I’ve theme your punishment as fire safety? Because Raw is on fire. Usually, the term “on fire” used to describe a television show is a good thing. But Raw is a fire that is out of control and threatening to burn itself to the ground. We need to extinguish the cause of the fire and get it back under control. We want an eternal flame, but Rome is starting to burn. Let’s put down the fiddle.
BUT WAIT! The corrective action isn’t over yet. There’s one more group of people who need a change in attitude. Wrestlers? No. Writers? No. McMahon himself? No. The one group of people who I’m talking about have the most power to make the WWE better and they don’t even know it. I am referring to the fans.
That’s right. We the fans have all of the power in the world to make things better in the WWE. Instead of enjoying the show, we’ve become very jaded and pessimistic. We tune in to Raw but only wonder how bad it will suck this week. It’s become fashionable to badmouth what we see on television rather than praise it because we’re afraid that if we say we like something, someone else will say “Oh my God! You actually like that?!?! You’re stupid.” So we’ve become silent afraid to express our opinion. Think back to the last memorable WWE show. For many of us, it’s probably One Night Stand 2006. Why was it so memorable? “If Cena Wins We Riot!” The loud undying chants. The fact that the crowd was into it. Even the Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho feud was like that and that’s why it was memorable also.
So here’s your homework assignment. When you go to WWE live events and television tapings, make yourself heard. Cheer your favourites and hiss their enemies. If you see something you like, scream. When you see something you don’t, boo. The effect will be two fold. The people around you will start to believe that it’s okay to – dare I say it – mark out. That will lead to a better overall atmosphere in the arena. The crowd will be more into it and that will in turn make the wrestlers more into it. If everyone is into it, everyone will enjoy it more. The second effect is that the WWE “head office” will start to take note. If someone is getting over, they will take note. If someone isn’t getting over, they will take note. It’s commonly misbelieved that the bookers don’t pay attention to the crowd. They do. It’s just that right now, we’re not giving them a reason to. Let’s give them a reason. Make the people watching at home remember your city’s crowd. Raw and the WWE is as much ours as it is Vince’s. Demand better when you’re there live, not just on the Internet.
And I promised to follow my own words, too.
Well, that was a load off my mind. Very therapeutic, if I do say so myself. If you agree, disagree, have questions, comments, or even death threats (I’m no stranger to those anymore), I want to hear them. You can e-mail those here or if you’re a member of the Columns Forum, drop me a message here. I’m cookin’ up some ideas for the next column, so stay tuned.
