Posted in: The Classroom The Classroom - History Of: Wrestling Movies Part 2
By Sean Taylor
Jul 16, 2009 - 3:17:29 AM
"“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t fake-fight, fake-teach by writing history columns on . . . the . . . Inter- . . . Wait a minute! That’s not the least bit funny, Mom!"
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Classroom. Thank you to everyone who downloaded the last Teacher’s Lounge. I know some people had trouble with the downloading. My apologies for that. I promise that the next Teacher’s Lounge (coming sooner rather than later) will be MUCH easier to download. I promise. Plus, Jackson and I will be joined be a special guest. No, not like last time. We will ACTUALLY have a special guest on our show. No, I’m serious.
Before we get to today’s cinematic review, I wanted to follow up on a topic from the Teacher’s Lounge. Jackson and I were pretty harsh on Donald Trump “buying” Raw. We recorded the show before the big commercial-free Raw. After watching said Raw, I was beginning to have second thoughts. I mean, if you thought there was a chance to win something – anything – by attending a live Raw taping, wouldn’t you spend the money to go too? They don’t have to give everyone their money back. They could offer two-for-one nachos, free Rey Mysterio masks to all kids already wearing a Rey Mysterio t-shirt, or Jeff Hardy merchandise for half-price during commercial breaks. Plus a special celebrity guest host every week? Sounds pretty cool to me. Imagine Pete Rose getting his revenge on Kane (yeah I know he’s on SmackDown but that hasn’t mattered lately), Sandra Bullock announcing the main event for SummerSlam, or Michael Jackson moonwalking . . . oh, come on. Six weeks ago, you were making pedophilia jokes.
Anyways, all I’m saying is that I think this Donald Trump thing could have made Raw more exciting, or for the first time in months, watchable. Plus people would watch just to see what can of freebies the WWE is giving out and what they could possibly get if they went when Raw was in their town. This whole Trump Raw thing didn’t have to last long – maybe until September – but I believe the ratings would spike and stay high the whole time. I didn’t think it was going to last long but I never expected one week. I don’t know. It’s another missed boat I guess. Oh well.
Let’s get on to the main feature. Today’s column is all about the WWE and Vince McMahon’s first foray into Hollywood movie making. It’s a movie we all remember. It’s simply known as No Holds Barred.
No Holds Barred
Release Date: June 2, 1989
Cast: Hulk Hogan, Joan Severance, Kurt Fuller, Tommy "Tiny" Lister, Mark Pellegrino,
Director: Thomas J. Wright
Producers: Richard Glover, Hulk Hogan, Michael McDonnell, Vince McMahon, & Michael I. Rachmil
Plot Synopsis
The movie opens in an arena. Wrestling fans filled the seats. We are just in time to witness the main event. A match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship. Jake Bullet walks to the ring as the top challenger to the champion’s title. Suddenly, familiar music hits but we can’t hear a single note. The crowd cheers wildly as the WWF Champion, Rip (Hulk Hogan) makes his way to the ring. Bullet cheats to gain the upper hand but Rip soon fights back and defeats Bullet to retain the WWF Championship. Fans in the arena go absolutely nuts as Rip celebrates in the ring with his brother, Randy (Mark Pellegrino). The match ends with Rip showing off his trademark hand gesture.
Cut to the offices of the World Television Network (WTN). Network president Brell – played by Kurt Fuller ("Supernatural", "Alias") - is irate. His network is at the bottom of the ratings and he wants Rip on his network for his own financial reasons. He demands that his underlings bring him Rip. The next day, Rip walks into his office and Brell offers him a blank check. Rip stands by his contractual obligations and turns down Brell’s offer. Brell gets mad and insults Rip by calling him a “jock ass”. Rip picks up the cheque, shoves it into Brell’s mouth, and walks out. Rip thinks his experience with WTN is over but he is wrong. Rip climbs back into his limo and the driver takes off. Rip notices that the driver is going the wrong way. The driver locks Rip in the back of the limo and drives to an abandoned warehouse. There, Brell has three hired thugs waiting to kick Rip’s ass. But Rip bursts through the top of the limo and takes care of the thugs almost as quickly as he did Jake Bullet.
Back at (what one would assume to be) WWF Headquarters, Rip is introduced to his new account representative, Samantha N. Moore (See No Evil, Hear No Evil). She is introduced as "intelligent and aggressive" but Rip sees her as sexy and tempting. Samantha talks about putting Rip into the public eye more with television ads and personal appearances but Rip wants to focus more on his charity work. Samantha invites/challenges Rip to discuss their ideas over a fancy dinner. At the French restaurant, the two are served by a snotty waiter who assumes Rip would prefer a hamburger or hot dog. He is later embarrassed when the chef comes out and greets Rip, revealing that Rip is a longtime customer, has a “usual” order and even speaks French himself.
Meanwhile, Brell and his two yes-men, Ordway and Unger, visit a different kind of establishment. They enter a seedy, underground western/biker bar. There they witness local roughnecks fighting in a makeshift, eight-sided ring. This spectacle gives Brell the idea that will save his network. The next night, they return with television equipment to film the debut episode of Battle of the Tough Guys - a no refs and no rules competition where the last man standing is declared the winner and awarded $100,000. Competitors Bulldog McPhearson, Brock Chisler, Klondike Kramer, and Neanderthal (played by wrestlers Mike Scott, Leon Sekk, Pete Doherty, and Stan “The Lariat” Hansen respectively) battle it out until they are interrupted by the doors bursting open. Through the doors walks a cross-eyed, black behemoth. He starts to walk to the ring, pie-facing a waitress of the second story of the bar in the process, and beats down all of the tough guys. Brell climbs into the ring and announces that this man is the new Battle of the Tough Guys Champion. The man introduces himself as Zeus.
Back at Rip’s home, his manager recognizes Zeus (Tiny Lister) and tells the story of how he trained Zeus until Zeus killed a man after the match was over. He was put in jail and Rip’s manager is surprised to see Zeus now free. The next morning, despite thousands of angry phone calls and hate mail, Brell announces that he finally achieved the “through the roof” ratings he wanted. Brell will schedule more Battle of the Tough Guys competition showcasing Zeus as their champion.
Samantha and Rip continue their business relationship flying to a personal appearance. Rip sidetracks Samantha for dinner at his favourite local Mom and Pop-style diner. Their meal is quickly interrupted as robbers bust in and demand everyone’s money. Rip fights off the robbers and Samantha begins to see Rip in a new light. That night, Samantha and Rip are forced to share a one-bed hotel room. Sexual tension heightens as they both try to pretend they aren’t interested in each other. Samantha ends up insulting Rip and he decides to sleep in the lobby. Samantha is left ashamed and convinced that she actually does love Rip.
In the next scene, Brell yells at Samantha for not being able to get the job done. It turns out that he hired Samantha to seduce Rip and get him to sign with WTN. But she fell for Rip and just can’t do it. Brell backhands her across the face and she runs to Rip. Rip consoles her and they share a tender moment before being interrupted by a television interview with Zeus. Zeus challenges Rip to face him in the Battle of the Tough Guys arena. The next day, Rip is at a children’s charity event when Brell’s helicopter lands nearby. Brell, Zeus, the yes-men, and a WTN camera crew exit the helicopter and Zeus once again challenges Rip to a fight. Rip stays silent and Brell announces that Rip is afraid of Zeus before leaving. At the next Battle of the Tough Guys event, Rip’s brother Randy goes to see Zeus live but he is discovered and Brell presents him to Zeus. Zeus attacks and beats up Randy, putting him into a coma.
Finally, Rip has had enough. He breaks into Zeus’ training facility and accepts his challenge. After destroying Zeus’ workout equipment, Rip returns to Randy’s bedside. Rip promises to get revenge on Zeus, which causes Randy to awaken from his coma. Next, we see a montage of scenes showing Zeus training maniacally for the match with Rip while Rip helps Randy through his rehabilitation.
Finally, it’s time for the showdown. Before the fight, Brell’s thugs kidnap Samantha and Brell blackmails Rip into throwing the fight. Samantha escapes the clutches of Brell’s security and is rescued by Rip’s manager and Randy’s friend, Craig. They get to ring just in time to cheer on Rip as he is being dominated by Zeus. Rip glances over and sees Randy straining to show off Rip’s own hand gesture from his wheelchair. Rip battles back and battles Zeus onto the top of the Battle of the Tough Guys set. There, Rip hits Zeus with a double axe-handle, which knocks Zeus off the set and through the ring. With Zeus defeated, Rip turns his attention to Brell. Rip stalks Brell who backs into a wall of broadcast equipment where he gets electrocuted. Rip returns to the ring and hugs his brother as the movie fades into the credits.
Lightning Striking Twice?
In May of 1982, the movie-going public was introduced to Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips in Rocky III. Critics raved about the blonde-haired behemoth for his acting in a rather cameo-style role. Fast-forward seven years and Hogan is employed again with the World Wrestling Federation under the new ownership of Vince McMahon Jr. Hogan had already headlined three of the first four WrestleManias to date and his popularity with wrestling audiences was unlike anyone had ever seen before. But he wasn’t just popular with wrestling fans. Non-wrestling fans liked Hogan too. His message of standing up for what’s right, never backing down from evil, and always believing in yourself made him a great role model for kids while being charismatic enough for adults to enjoy as well.
So it should not come as any surprise that Vince McMahon wanted to expand the Hulk Hogan character beyond the wrestling ring. Hogan merchandise was flying off the shelves and fans were practically begging for a feature film starring their hero. After going through several scripts, Hogan and McMahon were unhappy with the prospect of their first Hollywood endeavour. They wanted it to be just the right story to showcase not only Hogan but also the World Wrestling Federation. Staying up all night in a hotel room one night, together they wrote the script for No Holds Barred.
WWE announcers touted the film’s greatness. For months leading up to its release Gorilla Monsoon and "Mean" Gene Okerlund hyped Hogan’s acting performance and were even teasing that an Oscar nomination was likely in Hogan’s future. When the movie finally entered theatres, Bobby Heenan said he couldn’t get tickets to see it because the lines at the theatres went across city blocks and were even blocking traffic. Was No Holds Barred really that big of a blockbuster?
No. Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The movie only made $16 million during its entire run. In comparison, Rocky III did $16 million in its first weekend. Although it wasn’t the financial success they hoped it would be, Vince and Hogan did manage to make No Holds Barred a moneymaker. Only costing a reported $8 million, the movie actually made money. But making money wasn’t what critics talked about. Gene Siskel said, "Sometimes when you put what is already a parody on the big screen, it falls flat" and referring to a young girl who went to see the movie in theatres, he said, "You have to have a very bad film to have a child walk out of the theatre." Chris Hicks of the Deseret News wrote, "Hogan has two expressions: Grimacing and not grimacing."
Regardless of what the critics thought, McMahon knew a good storyline when he saw it. He brought Tiny Lister into the WWE as Zeus and teamed him with "Macho Man”" Randy Savage. Zeus was brought in as the character he played in the movie leaving a vague line between where Zeus the character ended and Zeus the person began. The feud led to a main even tag team match at SummerSlam ’89 where Hogan and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake met Savage and Zeus. Zeus would also appear as a member of the Million Dollar Team at the 1989 Survivor Series. Zeus’ final pay-per-view appearance came on December 27, 1989 during a show called No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie. It was the just the movie followed by a pre-taped match featuring Hogan and Beefcake against Savage and Zeus in a steel cage match.
Taylor’s Take
In the summer of 1989, I was eight years old going on nine. In June, I was in Brampton, Ontario (just outside of Toronto) at a bowling tournament representing my local and regional bowling leagues in the Provincial Finals of the Youth Bowling Association’s Bowler of the Year Tournament – Junior Division. I got to stay at a very nice hotel, had meals and entertainment paid for, and even got to go to Canada’s Wonderland (the Canadian Disney World). I should have been bursting with pride and happiness. I wasn’t. I was pissed. Why was I pissed? Because back in my hometown of Kingston, Ontario, my dad was taking my little brother to see No Holds Barred.
Yeah, I was pissed. I was waiting for months to see that movie. And I was four times the wrestling fan he was. Hell, we thought Demolition was a pay-per-view and SummerSlam was a tag team. Ok, fine. That was me. But still. How is that fair? Hulk Hogan was my hero. He was the man that stood for everything I wanted to be. He was strong, popular, and the World Wrestling Federation champion. Not even that snarling psycho Ultimate Warrior was that awesome. Sure Warrior was awesome in his own right but he didn’t have a movie. Hogan had a movie! Simple math proved it. Warrior + no movie = awesome. Hogan + movie = More awesome than Warrior. I even had a poster of Hulk Hogan posing as Rip with a white championship belt flashing Rip’s signature hand-gesture – and that was BEFORE seeing the movie.
So anyway, my little brother went to see No Holds Barred in the theatre and when I got home, he told me how great it was. I begged and pleaded my parents to take me and see it. But no. I had wait until it came out on VHS (Seriously, look it up. Wikipedia, people). I waited with baited breath. Eventually I got to see the "greatest movie of all time" that they called it on WWF Superstars and Maple Leaf Wrestling. I honestly don’t remember anything about what I thought of it then but I do remember that I loved it. I only ever saw it once before writing this column. So I knew I would have to find it and watch it again. No video store had it. Hell, most of their employees had never heard of it. Thank God, for the Internet. I waited patiently for the "legal" download to finish, then fired up my player, sat back, and got ready to enjoy No Holds Barred for just the second time in my life. And oh my God, it was . . .
FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!
Ok, ok, I’m not going to pick on the camerawork, the music, or the special effects because it was the 80s and every movie had shitty camerawork, music, and special effects. Besides, there is so much more that’s wrong with this movie. Let’s start with the star himself: Hulk Hogan. Let’s review. Hulk Hogan was – in real life – a wrestler. He was – in this movie – a wrestler. Why then is it so hard to believe Hulk Hogan as a wrestler in this movie. It’s almost like he was trying too hard. The sincerity he shows looks like apathy. The whole crying scene when his brother awakens from his coma is laughable. And trying to act like he’s in love was more unnatural than Linda Hogan’s breasts.
You can tell that Vince McMahon wrote the script for this movie. The movie is 93 minutes long (including six minutes of credits) and it still seems stretched out. It was as if the entire plot was a wrestling storyline without the time between the wrestling shows. Try to picture the Katie Vick storyline all shown to you in order all at one time. It’s a very basic wrestling storyline. Guy is champion. Bad manager wants champion to join his stable. Champion refuses. Manager finds another wrestler and promotes him as better than the champion. Other wrestler goads champion into a match. Champion beats other wrestler and extracts revenge on manager. That’s it. Just replace "manager" with "television executive" and the rest writes itself. And it’s obvious it did.
The love story between Rip and Samantha was just pointless. It’s obvious that they were going to fall in love, granted. But the chemistry between the two was just awkward. It was like watching two people who hate each other have to kiss in a high school play. Plus, in the end, the movie pauses on Rip and his brother, Randy. Samantha was right there at ringside during the big fight but instead, the brother – who was barely in the movie to begin with – gets the final shot. So are we to assume that Rip and Samantha just . . . stay friends? Kinda date but it doesn’t work out in the end? What? Why start a love storyline and not have any payoff for it? Her name also bothered me. Samantha N. Moore. Kinda sounds like a name from a porno movie, doesn’t it? Samantha N. Moore -> Samantha & more. Bow chicka wow wow.
The one thing I kept thinking throughout this movie was how inappropriate it was for children. Hogan was the hero of the 1980s to millions of children across the globe. Naturally, the PG rated movie starring every child’s hero has to be garnered towards kids, right? The WWE even asked kids on camera if they were excited to see the movie before it came out. Obviously the movie was intended for kids. But the thing about it is several of scenes were completely inappropriate for children. One scene shows Brell’s cronies urinating into a filthy, shit-filled trough while a roughneck farts and shits loudly behind them. When the roughneck comes out of the stall, he puts his arms around the cronies, looks down, and makes a comment about their less than sizable genitailia. Hey, Timmy! Isn’t making fun of someone’s teeny weenie fun?
During the scene where Samantha and Rip have to share a one-bed hotel room, Samantha comes out of the bathroom – dressed in a skimpy bra for the kiddies (no it wasn’t sexy) – and climbs into bed. Rip has already divided the room and bed in half with a comforter. Samantha is just about to nod off to sleep when she hears the bed start to squeak in rhythmic repetition coming from Rip’s side of the bed. Her face says, "Is he MASTERBATING?!?" Yeah, the squeaking continues as she crawls down to the end of the bed – providing little Timmy a deeper view of her cleavage – and she sneaks a peak around the blanket. What does she see? Two round flesh-coloured things. Yeah, balls. Hairless, round balls bouncing up and down. Is Hulk Hogan really masturbating in his scene? No, silly. He’s doing pushups with his feet on the bed. But wasn’t it funny when we all thought he was jerking it? Wasn’t it, boys and girls?
Probably the most infamous bad line of the movie occurs during the scene where Rip is attacked in the warehouse by Brell’s thugs. After taking care of the thugs, Rip grabs the escaping limo driver and growls and snarls into his face. The driver is shaking and quivering in fear. All of a sudden Hulk smells something repulsive and growls at the driver, "What’s that smell?" The limo driver replies in fear-filled honesty, "Dookie." Yep, that’s right. The limo driver shit his pants. Dumped a load right into his tighty-whities. I can just picture the conversation between the father and his son on the car ride home:
Son: Dad? What’s dookie?
Dad: Uh . . . um . . . it’s . . . um . . . well when you . . . sometimes . . . ask your mother.
After watching No Holds Barred again as an adult, I went home and asked my parents if they really thought it was an okay movie to show to children. My mother admitted to never having seen it. My father was finally able to confess that he was shocked and appalled when he left the theatre with my brother. He didn’t want to let me even watch it but he had forgotten about it when we went to the video store that day.
Ok, ok, I’m over-criticizing this movie a bit but in the end, everyone I’ve talked has agreed with me that No Holds Barred was not a great movie for kids. Having said that, it was the movie that started Hulk Hogan on his movie career. Ok, that’s not as positive as it was supposed to be. It was a movie that didn’t treat the wrestling business as a joke. No, wait, that’s not any better. It was a movie that . . . was a movie. It’s ninety minutes of filler. Is it great? No. Is it all that bad? No. It just is. I give it two dookie-making limo drivers out of a possible five.
Now, that the World Wrestling Federation had dipped their toe into the movie-making business, it was only a matter of time before World Championship Wrestling followed suit. It would take eleven years but when they did, they would be . . .
. . . ready to rumble!
Well that about wraps up this edition of History Of: Wrestling Movies. I hope you all enjoyed it. As always, you can leave me your comments, questions, critiques, and hate mail to here or if you’re a member of the Columns Forum, you can post here. The next column should be coming out in a week or so and for you fans of the Teacher’s Lounge, KMA Jackson and I will be coming back sooner rather than later.
Pop Quiz
Yes, it’s back by popular demand. Test your knowledge and no peeking off of Google’s paper. 1) Aside from being a woman, Samantha was the only leading character with what?
2) Had No Holds Barred been a success, rumour has it that that Hogan vs Zeus would have headlined what pay-per-view?
