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Posted in: Chair Shots
Welcome to the Underground 3.19: DEATH MATCH! MID-SEASON FINALE!
By Rob Simmons
Jan 11, 2017 - 10:32:42 PM

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Banner by Trey Cox Graphics


"Gods Among Men"

Warriors, wherever they may fight, must garner the strength and fortitude to survive to fight another day; to start the war yet again. They must assume Godlike qualities to become the fiercest of fighters; those that survive. But when actual Gods walk amongst those that pretend, then the playing field becomes somewhat less fair, as if fairness was ever really guaranteed at all. In the Lucha Temple, the spirits of those Gods run rampant, and in some cases, the Gods themselves get in on the action.

El Jefe, Dario Cueto, relaxes in his office with Councilman Delgado, discussing the new owner of the Gauntlet, the Machine called Cage. Dario informs him that Cage is quite fond of having the power of a God, but what Cage doesn’t know is that the power is consuming him. Their discussion is interrupted however as El Dragon Azteca bursts through the door. He tells Cueto that he wants his brother for what he did to Rey Mysterio. Dario lets him know that he didn’t order that, but Azteca doesn’t care. He wants Matanza TONIGHT and he wants him in a DEATH MATCH!

As we head to the ring, Matt Striker informs us of the new Main Event, but next to him a visibly distraught Vampiro seems to have something on his mind. He takes a moment, then addresses the Man of 1000 Deaths, Mil Muertes. He tells him that it won’t be this week, or next, but soon Mil’s time will come. As everyone knows, when Vampiro makes a promise, he sticks to it. Pain is headed to Mil Muertes; pain and more pain.

Lucha #1:Texano vs. Joey Ryan

This is the first we’ve seen of Texano since he lost the Best of 5 series to Cage. Tonight he’ll face the unorthodox Master of Sleaze Joey Ryan. After oiling himself down, Joey takes his lollipop and puts it in his trunks for safe keeping. The two men lock up, and Texano pushes Ryan into the corner. Joey calls for the referee to break the hold, pushing Texano back. Joey attempts two shoulder blocks, but they barely move Texano. Texano drops an elbow on Ryan, followed by a Slingshot Senton over the top rope. The action moves outside where Texano is thrown into the barricade.

Back in the ring, Joey takes a lollipop break, which seems to have….hair on it. Yikes! Famous B and the Beautiful Brenda make their way to the ring, in full cowboy attire, or perhaps they stole the outfit from one of the Village People. Ryan hits a Drop Kick on Texano, but can’t keep the big man down. Texano ascends the top rope for a beautiful Leg Lariat. Texano then dropkicks Ryan over the top rope, following it up with a Body Press over the top rope. As they get back inside the ropes, Ryan hits a Pump Handle Suplex followed by a Sleaze Kick for a 2-count. As Famous B prevents Ryan from taking Texano’s bullrope, Brenda hands Texano a horseshoe which he uses on the face of Joey, covering him for the victory.

WINNER: TEXANO

After the match, Famous B attempts to raise the hand of Texano, but Texano pushes him to the mat then turns his attention to the Beautiful Brenda. As Texano walks off, Famous B tells him to call him at 423-GET-FAME.

ULTIMA PALABRA: There wasn’t a whole lot here to talk about. We’ve yet to really see what Joey Ryan can do in the ring, as he’s not been given a lot of ring time to show his skills. When he’s been given a chance, he’s been quite the entertaining Luchador. As for Texano, I still struggle to connect with him in any way, shape or form. That appears to be the reasoning behind Famous B and Brenda getting involved, because as B told Texano, the fans just don’t seem to care about him. That’s the problem in a nutshell. B’s involvement may help Texano, but we’ll see if this amounts to anything down the road.

**********************


Lucha Underground Champion and Mayor of Slamtown Johnny Mundo is in the ring. He tells the Believers that he built this little Fight Club, beating each and every person that got in his way, but no one EVER believed in him except for PJ Black and Jack Evans. He tells the Mack that he’s not built to last ALL NIGHT LONG, he’s built to sit on a couch next to Hot Tub Guy eating Funyuns.

The Mack attacks Mundo, stomping the proverbial mud hole into him, until Evans and Black make the safe. Mack hits them with Stunners, taking them out of the equation as he turns back to Mundo. Johnny calls for Security as Mundo escapes the ring. In a sequence reminiscent of The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mack runs through about a half dozen security personnel hitting them with Stunners and sending them over the top rope. As the arrogant Mundo looks on, Mack grabs the mic and tells him that the title will be his, as he’s going to whoop his ass…..ALL NIGHT LONG!

**********************


Lucha #2: Cage vs. Veneno

The Machine enters the Temple, adorned with his Battle of the Bulls prize, the Gauntlet, whose power has yet to be defined. A new(ish) Luchador enters the ring, the masked Veneno (Poison). His mask is reminiscent of Spider-Man, but his actions remind Matt Striker of someone, as they should everyone. We’ve seen the same mask handed to Detective Reyes by his Captain, so it appears that Cortez Castro has returned to the Temple. As the bell rings he goes after Cage, but the Machine sends him down with a Shoulder Tackle. Veneno hits a Flying Head Scissors, but Cage gets right back to his feet, throwing Veneno into the corner, followed by a Clothesline. Veneno tries and Enziguri to no effect, as Cage follows it up with a Discus Clothesline. He calls for the end as he puts Veneno up in a Suplex position, turning it into a Tombstone as he comes down for the victory.

WINNER: CAGE

Post match, Cage retrieves his Gauntlet, and as he puts it on he pushes the referee to the mat, threatening to punch him. The power of the God is starting to take Cage over, something he’s yet to realize. As Veneno lies prone, Sexy Star runs into the ring, yelling at the Luchador that it was him, and to stay out of her business as she kicks him in the head.

ULTIMA PALABRA: This was a showcase for the new, more aggressive Cage, now with more power than he’s ever felt before coursing through his veins. His attack came at the expense of the returning Detective Reyes, but he’s done his job, which is to get back into the Temple. Cage’s transformation has started, but where it stops and what he becomes is anybody’s guess. Cage was dangerous enough before, but this new advantage will make him even more deadly. As for Sexy Star’s attack on Veneno, I continue to believe that Sexy is grasping at straws trying to identify her tormentor. At the end of the day, I believe it to be someone incredibly close to her, someone she believes to be an ally.

**********************


Prince Puma is training, and as he does so he’s tormented by memories of the past; battles with Mil, his training with Konnan. He’s now torn between the good he was taught, and the evil that he’s slowly been embracing. Catrina appears, telling Puma that the voices are expected once you come back from the dead. She hears them too. Puma tells her that the only voice he hears is one that will suffer, that of Mil Muertes. Catrina tells Puma that only the blood of Puma will be shed as she vanishes into the night.

**********************


Lucha #3: El Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. Matanza Cueto- DEATH MATCH!

Azteca starts quick, using his speed to try and get an early advantage. He kicks Matanza, then dropkicks him to the mat. Matanza catches Azteca though, throwing him to the mat with a Side Suplex. He mounts the Dragon, raining clubbing blows down upon the Luchador. Matanza sets a chair up in the corner, but as he turns Azteca catches him with a Pop-Up Head Scissors, taking him to down. Matanza grabs the chair, but Azteca Superkicks it into his head. Dragon picks it up and heaves it at the Monster, who bails out of the ring.

Azteca uses the chair as a vault, flying over the top rope onto Matanza with a Tope Con Hilo, but the Monster is barely phased. He picks Azteca up in a Fireman’s Carry and throws him into the ring post. He rams him into the Temple wall then several times into the steel barricades. He puts Azteca on his shoulders and carries him to the top of the Temple, dropping him throat first onto the railing. Using his big hands, he chokes Azteca out. The Monster attempts a Power Bomb, but Azteca climbs out of it, hanging on the Temple rafters above. With little regard for his body, he flies down onto Matanza.

Now with the upper-hand, Azteca hits a Flying Head Scissors, sending Matanza plummeting down the stairs. El Jefe ascends the steps, telling his brother to “KILL HIM NOW!” Matanza grabs El Dragon Azteca by the throat and choke slams him over the railing, THROUGH THE BLEACHERS! Referee Marty Elias calls for the bell, as Azteca lays motionless on the concrete floor below as the Believers look down in disbelief.

WINNER: MATANZA CUETO

After the match, Rey Mysterio runs into the Temple to check on his protégé. He yells towards Matanza, who runs through the crowd, attacking anyone in his path. The two began to brawl, as Matanza picks Rey up and throws him back to the top of the Temple. Fighting like animals for the last scrap of meat, Rey and Matanza punish each other with little regard for their own welfare. With Rey on his shoulders, Matanza slams Rey into the steel ventilation above, brutalizing the already damaged back of Mysterio. Rey attempts to fight back, getting to his feet as Matanza charges. Mysterio back drops the Monster over the railing through the top of the storage room. Matanza disappears into the blackness below as Rey celebrates.

A distraught Dario yells to the crowd that the Temple is CLOSED, telling everyone to leave. He rings the bell, attempting to kick everyone out, as he attempts to open the door to check on his brother. As Rey checks on Azteca, Dario continues to kick the Believers out, closing the Lucha Temple until further notice.

ULTIMA PALABRA: El Dragon Azteca never really had a chance in this match, something that Mysterio told him several weeks ago. He told his protégé that he wasn’t ready, and despite his best attempts, Matanza is too big and too dangerous for someone with limited experience. Dragon’s descent through the bleachers to the concrete below may signal the end of Azteca for some time, but Rey’s return spells nothing but trouble for the Monster, as seen by his attack on Dario’s brother. Matanza’s fate is unknown at this point, as Dario frantically attempted to check on him. Now, with the Temple closed for business, Dario will have to regroup, and when it is re-opened, new wars will be waged, and one of them will go ALL NIGHT LONG!

**********************


As the Temple closes, we see the lovely Melissa Santos leaving, taking pictures with the Believers. In the distance, Marty the Moth looks on, stalking perhaps his next victim. However it’s Marty who’s the victim, as his head is covered and he’s taken away; taken by his very own sister.

As Marty awakens, he’s tied up in rope as Mariposa looks on. She tells him that he has her attention now, and perhaps it’s time for Marty to reach his full potential. She slaps her brother, who laughs maniacally at her assault, rocking back and forth and biting on the rope, chanting…..

“I DID GOOD! I DID GOOD!”

THE LUCHA TEMPLE IS CLOSED, REOPENING SUMMER 2017


That’s it for the Mid-Season Finale everyone! Lucha Underground is taking some time off and will be back this summer for all new episodes. What did you think of the finale? Hit me up below with your questions, comments, and general thoughts. As always, thanks for reading the longest running LU Review on the internet, Welcome to the Underground!

Until Summer 2017,
Roberto Out!



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