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Posted in: Chair Shots
The DOA Finale- Team Hell No vs. Team Rhodes Scholars vs. The New Age Outlaws
By TripleR
Apr 21, 2013 - 8:17:29 PM

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The Finale

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Team Hell No vs. Team Rhodes Scholars vs. New Age Outlaws

“Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I want to take you to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama, Key Largo…”

“Billy, will you shut the hell up? Rhodes Scholars and Hell No are out there somewhere and we’ve got a target on our backs since we won this thing last year.”

“But Jesse, I missed 4:20 Day. I’m just trying to get my groove on. Don’t take things so serious… um, Jesse, what the hell is that?”


“Cody my good man, if we survive this debacle, I am seriously considering asking Mr. McMahon for an increase in my weekly compensation. This carnival of terror is both ludicrous and audacious. I am an intellectual mind you. I should not be out here with these behemoths fighting for my life.”

“Damien, look I know our thing is that we’re smarter than everybody else, but my Dad used the word clubberin’. I didn’t exactly grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth. Most of mine were plastic and they had Spaghetti-O’s on them. So unless you want to talk about getting “funky like a monkey” I would love for you to just shut up.”


“What the hell was that?”

From the brush in front of the Scholars came a man, naked as the day he was born, and as white as the diapers he was put in.

“Help me. She’s coming. I don’t know how much longer I can outrun her.”

“My good man, who is coming and why in the world are you naked?”

“The question is why you AREN’T? She’s attracted to bright colors and those pink shorts are going to get her motor running. I don’t want her motor running. Please don’t make her motor run.”

“Cody, do you know who this man is?”

“I think it is Eric Young from TNA, but he’s certainly been through something. Maybe we should help.”

“Eric, what happened to you?”

“I’ve been running since she brought us back. ODB, she came back……different. She almost got me at the Aries/Roode match, but I got away. Eight months man, I’ve been running for eight….”


“Oh god, she’s coming. Run, you’ve got to run. Here, take off your pants. I’ll help.”

“My good man, remove your hands from my testic….”


“So that’s Rhodes and Sandow?”

“I think so Billy. I mean the pink trunks are there, and that might be Cody’s moustache. But there’s so much carnage. I can’t even begin to imagine what did this to them. We need to….Dammit Billy are you really blazing one up RIGHT NOW?”

“Man I’ve got to calm my nerves. What if whatever did this to them is still out there. Did Kane and Bryan do this? If they did we’re ****ed. If they didn’t we’re ****ed. Come on man, why did we even come back here again?”

“To represent the Clique my friend. Triple H put his faith in us and we have to keep going. Now let’s keep going and find someplace we can set a trap.”

Gunn and James made their way through the brush, hoping upon hope that they didn’t run into whatever it was that mauled Team Rhodes Scholars. The good thing for the Outlaws is that there was one less team they had to worry about, but it also meant they had to go head to head with Kane and Daniel Bryan.


Kane’s mind was heavy with the thoughts of the deal he had made with Ted Dibiase- a sacrifice for the death of his partner. The Million Dollar Man had given Kane his own son, but in retrospect it wasn’t a big sacrifice. Jr. had done little to make any impact whatsoever, and if his father hadn’t ended his life, he probably would have ended up as a greeter at Wal-Mart within the year- either that or a member of Aces & Eights. I mean they had Brisco and Bischoff, what’s one more idiot.


“I’m fine Daniel. Just trying to figure out what we’re going to do about the New Age Outlaws. They won this thing last year and they aren’t a team to take lightly.”


“No I’m the Tag Team Champions, but none of that matters out here. Our belts are useless. I don’t even know why you brought….Daniel why does my belt have a bite mark in it? Are you eating our belts? Damn it Daniel we’ve got to get you off this island.”

Kane walked his partner due west, on a direct collision course with the defending DOA champs. It would only be a matter of time before their paths crossed, and when they did a new victor would be crowned.


I sat in meditation, waiting to hear the news that the battle was over. It had once again been a long, brutal tournament, and within hours my island would be at peace again. They thought I didn’t hear them enter, but I hear everything.

“You know what you are to do correct?”

“Yes sir, we know what you want us to do.”

“Wait until the battle is over. It should be easier that way.”

The teams tend to forget that the only rule of DOA is that there are no rules. They’ll remember that soon enough.


“Daniel, I scouted ahead. The Outlaws are just through the clearing. We’ll use you as a decoy to draw them out and I’ll come at them from the rear.”


“That’s not what I meant. And stop eating the damn bushes.”

Daniel took his position, a perfect spot for Gunn and James to notice him. They’ll think that they had snuck up on him and it was then that Kane would make his move. Hopefully this would work. If not, they were dead meat.


“Billy, did you hear that? I think there’s something past those trees.”

“Awwww, it’s a cute little goat. I want to go pet it. Hey Jesse, why do you think it’s wearing a shi…”

“You dumbass that’s Bryan, we’ve been set up.”

Before they could react, Kane came up from behind them, dropped his arms and set the clearing ablaze. There was nowhere for the Outlaws to run. Whoever was going to win this, it was going to happen here and now.

“Billy what’s so damn funny?”

“Kane really knows how to spark it up. Hah!”

“James, Gunn- this ends now. Once we’re through with you we’ll find Rhodes and Sandow and beat them for the 147th time.”

“Dude, Sandow and Rhodes are dead. We thought you did it. Whatever the case, it’s just us now. You ready to end this?”


Triple H found himself in a very familiar place, atop a hill, rifle in hand.

“Dammit, I’m going to have to bail these two out again. There’s no way they’re going to beat Kane and Bryan surrounded by a ring of fire.”

“Isn’t that what you dip you dick in every night when you bang Stephanie?”

Triple H turned with a start, not believing what he was seeing.

“This ends how it’s supposed to end, without your involvement.”

Triple H woke up several hours later adrift in a row boat in the middle of the ocean. At least they had kept him alive, but Steph was going to be really mad.


“Bryan, I’m not leaving here today dead. I’m going to turn you into Halal meat before this is all said and done.”


“What? That’s disgusting. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Before Billy Gunn could react, Daniel Bryan galloped full speed, head butting Billy Gunn into the burning Ring of Fire. He went down, down, down and the flames went higher. That was one down, and one to go. To win DOA, both men had to die, and the Road Dogg was holding his own against the Big Red Monster.

“Road Dogg, just give up and make this as painless as possible. I mean you are going to die, but I’ll try to make it painless.”

”Where the **** is Triple H?” thought Road Dogg. ”This should have been over by now.

While Road Dogg reflected on his missing ace in the hold, Kane grabbed him by the throat, lifting him high above the ground. Road Dogg, refusing to give in, taunted Kane with the patented DX crotch chop.

“Hmmmm, that’s a good idea.”

With his other hand, Kane grabbed Road Dogg’s testicles, and began to twist them with unnerving strength. With Kane’s hand around his throat, Jesse was unable to scream, but if he could it would have sounded like a gaggle of girls at a Justin Bieber concert. Simultaneously, Kane snapped the neck of the Road Dogg, and ripped his genitals from his body, holding them high above his head in victory.


“No I am the winner of DOA.”


“No Daniel, I really am the winner of DOA. I’m sorry.”

Kane grabbed his partner by the scruff of his neck and heaved him headfirst into the blazing forest. He had fulfilled his part of the deal with Dibiase and had come out with the DOA title. As he began to walk back inland, the island speakers turned themselves on.

“Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta, Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta”

Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins made their way through the trees, surrounding the Big Red Machine. Without speaking they attacked Kane like the pack of wolves they were. He tried to fight back, but they were too strong. As Rollins and Ambrose continued to pummel Kane, Roman Reigns rolled the fiery, fallen tree close to the fallen victor.

“Get him up!”

With precision teamwork The Shield powerbombed Kane onto the fiery log, breaking his back in the process. They watched as The Big Red Monster, feared by many, burned to a fiery crisp. If there was one lesson that these teams, and anyone that came to DOA Island would learn, is that NO ONE is safe on DOA Island. That, and to believe in The Shield.

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The End……for now.

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