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Posted in: Chair Shots
The DOA 2014 Finale (Sheamus/Daniels vs. Reigns/EC III vs. Ambrose/Wyatt)
By Rob Simmons
Apr 23, 2014 - 8:34:39 AM

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The Finale!

The three teams remaining had made it through terrifying, life-threatening battles, but survived to get to this point. Everyone knows that there can only be one winning team of DOA. The stakes are greater than ever- survive or die! This is DOA 2014

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Sheamus & Daniels vs. Reigns & EC III vs. Ambrose & Wyatt

Somewhere on the beaches of DOA Island

“Dammit Bateman put some damn clothes on. I’m really getting tired of seeing all you sons of bitches naked.”

“I am not ruining any more suits on this abhorrent island. Do you know how hard it is to get bird shit out of silk? Neither do I, that’s because it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! And for the last time, my name is Ethan Carter III!”

“Alright Bateman, whatever you say. Hey, what the hell is that?”

Reigns and Carter stumble upon what looks to be the remains of a fire, smoldering on the beach. Right in the middle of the ashes was a familiar gold chain.

“Um…..Roman I think that used to be Sheamus. What the hell happened to him, and where is Daniels?

“Don’t know, don’t care. That’s one less guy we have to worry about. Believe that!”

“Stop saying that!”

“When you put on some damn clothes.”

The same beach, two hours earlier

“Dean, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“I think so Bray, but horizontal stripes make me look chubby.”

“No you imbecile. We have to get the jump on the other teams before they make a move on us. The Eater of Worlds and the Hound of Justice will reign supreme and bask in the glory of Sister Abigail.”

“I’ve seen your sister Abigail Bray, I don’t want to bask in anything that she’s got. Now that Lana chick that’s been hanging around Rusev. I’ll bask in that all day.”

“You’re a degenerate Dean, I don’t…….”

Bray stopped in his tracks, not believing what he was seeing in front of him. That idiot Sheamus was sunning himself. This was going to be too easy.

“Hey Daniels, fella, you’re gonna have to snap out of it if we want to win this thing,” said Sheamus as he generously applied SPF 1004 to his pasty white skin. “Your buddy Kaz wouldn’t want ya to quit now would he? Dammit, I’d have been better off wit Ice Skater McGee as a partner!”

“Miss….Kaz. Miss….Kaz. Miss….Kaz,” mumbled Daniels, as he sat on the beaching rocking back and forth.

Sheamus, concerned about his partner, never saw Wyatt and Ambrose attack from behind. Then everything went black.

20 minutes later

“Nice to see you could join us again Sheamus,” said Ambrose, pouring water on his face.

Sheamus was unable to move. His hands and feet were bound to four stakes and he was stretched out in an X formation.

“DANIELS!! DANIELS!!! Get off your arse and come help me!”

“Oh Daniels isn’t coming to help Sheamus. We didn’t even have to do anything. He just up and walked into the water mumbling about a volleyball named Kaz. So now what to do with you? Dean, would you please be so kind as to get the baby oil from my bag?”

“What the **** are you doing with baby oil?”

“It makes my beard all nice and smooth.”

Ambrose got the baby oil from Bray’s bag, finally realizing what he was going to do.

“Now please apply the oil generously to our pale friend here. With his white skin I say he’s got about ten minutes before he spontaneously combusts. “Leeeet the sun shine……Leeeet the sun shine in.”

“It’s been nice knowing you Sheamus. Next time believe in The Shield.”

“And don’t forget to Follow the Buzzards.”

As Ambrose and Wyatt walked away, the first sign of a spark appeared on Sheamus’ fiery red beard. It wasn’t long before the Celtic Warrior was engulfed in a blazing inferno.

“Now that’s an Irish Car Bomb! So what do you want to do tonight Bray?”

“The same thing we do every night Dean. Try to win DOA.”

Back to the present

“They set him on fire! Dammit Reigns they set him on fire!”

“Bateman stop freaking out! For one, it makes you look like a creampuff, and two every time you flip out your junk starts flapping around. I told you I’m tired of seeing dicks. Dammit, wait here.”

“Where are you going? Don’t leave me here. They could come at any minute.”

“Here, put this on.”

Bateman had a puzzled look on his face.

“I weaved a tunic out of some bark, tree leaves, and pine cones.”

Bateman chuckled. “You’re quite the seamstress.”

“I’ll be whatever I have to be as long as I don’t have to look at you naked anymore. Now let’s get going.”

As they walked past the remains of Sheamus, a mist appeared before them.

“Wazzup my brothers?” Ghost JTG had taken quite a liking to EC III since their last battle. He glared at Carter, now adorned in a jungle toga. “Dayum, I wouldn’t mind haunting that for a minute.”

“What do you want?”

“Nuthin’ Reigns, I was just hanging around, but damn could I go for some weed and a 40. It’s been too damn long, and the last thing I remember was drinking some damn Zima and smoking my grandmother’s ficus. That’s a shitty ass memory to have.”

“Well I can’t help you with that J, but you can help us. Have you seen Bray and Dean?”

“Yeah my man, they’re in the bath house getting cleaned up. Apparently it’s pretty hard to get a smoldering Irishman out of your hair.”

“You ever try getting bird shit out of silk? I bet that’s harder”

As Reigns and Carter made their way to the bath house, a thought popped into Roman’s head.

“Bath house? Goddammit!”

The aforementioned bath house

“You think that idiot ghost told them where to go?”

“Of course he did Dean. JTG is a follower. He’s a puppet. Reigns and Carter are certainly on their way, and with the trap we’ve laid out for them, nothing will stop us from taking over the world.”

Just outside the bath house

“Alright Bateman, be on your toes. I know Dean is devious and Bray is just nuts, so be careful.”

“I’m always careful. Hey, did you know they had a petting zoo here. It’s a really strange place for one if you think about it. I remember going to them when I was a kid. Hold tight I want to go pet the sheep. Isn’t he cute? They put overalls on it.”

“Sheep? Overalls? What the **** are you…. Bateman NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Before Reigns could react, EC III was in the clutches of the part-man, part-beast known as Erick Rowan. Unbeknownst to everyone, Rowan had been living on DOA Island for the better part of 6 months, grazing on grass and growing out his fur to make nice wool sweaters that are sold at the DOA Gift Shop for the low, low price of $29.99 with free shipping to the continental United States.

“Reigns help me! This thing is eating away at my jungle tunic. Oh god it hurts. Stop! No, that is not a carrot! Get off m……………AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHH!”

Reigns shook his head, knowing that he was alone now against his Shield partner and the insane leader of the Wyatt Family. He cautiously entered the door of the bath house, guard fully up. Bray Wyatt was standing in the hot tub, water up to his waist.

“Roman, there’s no need to be afraid. You, Dean and I can work this out like men. Come be cleansed in the sacred waters and begin your life again.”

“Brah there’s nothing sacred about that water now that your fat ass has been standing in it. I can see the oil slick from over here.”

“That’s the shine of new life Roman Reigns. Come….be reborn. Be……clean.”

As Reigns was occupied with Wyatt, he did not see Dean Ambrose climb atop the hot towel dispenser. He leapt onto Roman’s back, scraping him across the face with a pumice stone.

“You really should take care of your skin Roman. It’s your money maker.”

Ambrose continued to scrape at Reigns’ face until his left ear came clean off his head. Wyatt emerged from the hot tub and began to approach the last remaining hurdle to winning DOA.

“Aw damn, what is it with you people being naked all the time? Wait, what the hell is that? Oh my God, what in the hell is between your legs?”

“That my friend is the Eater of Worlds, and it’s very…..very…..hungry.”

It had been Bray Wyatt’s secret since he was born. He was the Harbinger of Death. The creature that resided where his penis should have been needed to be fed….a lot. Bray Wyatt was not the Eater of Worlds, but he was the vessel for it. The creature darted at the fierce Samoan, wrapping itself around Reign’s legs and dragging him closer to Wyatt. As Reigns tried valiantly to fight off the tentacled beast, he managed one last gasp.


Dean Ambrose looked on in horror as his partner succumbed to Bray Wyatt’s dick monster. On the plus side, he and his lunatic partner had won DOA, but he had never, ever seen something like that. He knew it would haunt him until his dying days. His eyes locked on Bray’s.

“We won.”

“Run Dean……..RUN!!!”

WINNERS OF DOA 2014: Dean Ambrose & Bray Wyatt

Well that's it dear readers. DOA 2014 has ended. I'd like to thank Subho, Skitz, Oliver, Dannokaboom, Randall, Mizfan and Cult Icon for coming along for the ride this year. You can catch Skitz and Oliver here on the LOP Main Page, and the other fine writers in the Columns Forum. Be sure to check out the finale of The Voice competition in the CF featuring Pen's protege Leaf and Plan's protege Dannokaboom. Some good stuff happening there.

As usual, THANK YOU for reading. Leave your questions, comments, suggestions, death threats, and pictures of Lana at all the available outlets.

Until next time,
Rob Out

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