Chair Shots Presents: (VOTING CLOSED) The Worst WWE Gimmick of All-Time Tournament (3rd and 4th Brackets)
By Rob Simmons & YourAyatollah
May 8, 2014 - 5:27:03 PM
Welcome back readers. Wow, the voting for the first two brackets was amazing! Thank you all so much. But we’ve got two more First Round brackets to go before we cut our total in half. Before we get to the next brackets, let’s take a look at the results from the first two brackets
Michael Cole Bracket
Men on a Mission defeated 3MB (100-72)
The Stalker Barry Windham defeated Waylon Mercy (123-43)
TL Hopper defeated Duke The Dumpster Droese (89-79)
Blu Brothers defeated Godwinns (92-76)
Giant Gonzales defeated Zeus (134-37)
Naked Mideon defeated Meat (111-62)
Incest Burchills defeated Billy & Chuck (101-74)
Red Rooster defeated Simon Dean (109-63)
Phantasio defeated Kizarny (98-68)
Kwang defeated Avatar (87-79)
Flash Funk defeated Godfather (126-40)
Rico defeated Brutus The Barber Beefcake (106-62)
Jerry Lawler Bracket
Kerwin White defeated Akeem (84-60)
Beaver Cleavage defeated Val Venis (122-23)
Fandango defeated Honkytonk Man (103-42)
Cross Dressing Vito defeated Gillberg (113-33)
Isaac Yankem DDS defeated IRS (124-21)
Man Mountain Rock defeated Leif Cassidy (75-65)
Mantaur defeated Battle Kat (85-57)
Slam Master J defeated Eugene (96-49)
Oddities defeated Spirit Squad (74-73)
Brakkus defeated Ludvig Borga (88-53)
Dean Douglas defeated The Genius (82-59)
Jean Pierre LaFitte defeated Pirate Paul Burchill (79-64)
Congratulations to our winners….or are they losers. They’ll move on into the round of 48. Now, onto the next batch of horrible gimmicks. Once again, I’m joined by YourAyatollah who will take a look at our second bracket today.
Vince Russo Bracket (Rob)
Aldo Montoya Vs. Max Moon
Way before Justin Credible got EXTREME in ECW, PJ Polaco got his feet wet in the WWE as the Portugese Man O’ War, Aldo Montoya. Unfortunately for Montoya, he was also placed under a mask that looked like he had a yellow jock strap on his head, and yellow and jock strap are two things that should NEVER go together. He wrestled some jobbers, teamed with Avatar if that tells you anything, and then went away to Paul Heyman land.
The other half of our bad mask match-up was actually portrayed by two wrestlers, first Konnan and then Paul Diamond. Max Moon was supposed to be “the man of the future”, and wore a ridiculous space suit and had a craft project jetpack that went along with it. His biggest claim to fame is that he actually wrestled on the very first Monday Night Raw against Shawn Michaels. Diamond wasn’t a bad wrestler, just got stuck with a bad gimmick.
Bastion Booger Vs. Friar Ferguson
It’s the Mike Shaw battle pairing as we get two gimmicks that might be hard to choose from. After portraying Norman the Lunatic in WCW, Shaw came to the WWE as Friar Ferguson, a wrestling clergyman. However the Catholic Church quickly shot that one down. I guess Jesus trumps McMahon.
Soon after, Shaw was repacked as Bastion Booger, one of the grossest, vilest creatures ever to step foot into the WWE (including Chyna) . He basically wrestled in an outfit that looked like a filthy diaper, and often times had food and lord knows what else falling off of him. He was disgusting, plain and simple. Yuck!
Boogeyman Vs. Zombie
Marty Wright was 40 years old when he joined the WWE, and he was incredibly limited in his abilities, but that didn’t stop the WWE from putting him onscreen as a horror movie type character known as The Boogeyman. He’d eat worms, have convulsive like shaking fits, maybe throw in one or two wrestling moves, and that was it. He does hold the distinction of ending another one of our bad gimmick contestants by eating the giant fake mole off the face of Jillian Hall. Hey, somebody had to do it and Bastion Booger was already long gone.
When the WWE’s version of ECW landed on the SyFy channel, many people were scratching their heads. Syfy….wrestling…..sure they go together. Apparently SyFy had some concerns as well because they wanted to integrate some supernatural type gimmicks into WWE programming. So the WWE came up with The Zombie. He showed up on the debut episode of ECW and swiftly got the dust beaten out of him by The Sandman. He showed up one or two more times, but was quietly sent back to the graveyard.
Deacon Batista Vs. Reverend D-Von
This pairing is two halves of the same gimmick. When the Dudley Boys were split up as part of the yearly WWE Draft, D-Von showed up on Smackdown sporting a new preacher gimmick. For some reason, the WWE has always been obsessed with religious ideas and characters in their history, but this one just didn’t get over.
His other half was his bodyguard (because every Reverend needs one of those), the debuting Deacon Batista. He wore cut off shirts, carried D-Von’s bible, and that was pretty much it. He sort of wandered around at ringside looking like a Jehovah’s Witness stalking your neighborhood. Thankfully for both men, the gimmick didn’t last long. The Dudley’s were reunited, and the Animal was unleashed.
The Dicks Vs. Heart Throbs
Remember when I said the WWE was obsessed with religious characters? Well they’re equally obsessed with flamboyant dancing ones. The Dicks were a tag team who were supposed to represent two male exotic dancers, like the Chippendale dancers, but with the charisma of Chip & Dale and a lot more baby oil. No really, that was their gimmick. They used the baby oil they smeared on their bodies and blinded their opponents with it. That screams success right? Or date rape. I’m not sure which one.
Not much different was the team of The Heart Throbs. They were also flamboyant, and flaunted their success with the ladies. They bumped. They grinded. They thrust their junk in their opponent’s faces. They got released quicker than Lindsay Lohan after her 147th arrest.
El Matador Vs. Saba Simba
Our next matchup is what happens when two aging Superstars are repacked with incredibly racist gimmicks. After years with the WWE, Tito Santana was nearing the end of his run, but one last ditch effort was made with him. Santana was given the gimmick of a Mexican bullfighter, complete with vignettes in bull fighting arenas. They were empty arenas mind you, and there was no bull, not even El Torito. I must say though that having him at the side of Los Matadores is almost a no-brainer and I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet.
On the flip side of the bracket we have Tony Atlas, one of the strongest men ever to step foot into a WWE ring. The WWE, with all their racial sensitivity at the time, packaged Atlas as Ugandan tribesman Saba Simba. Now Atlas says the gimmick saved his life because he was homeless and living on a park bench at the time, but racial stereotypes only go so far, and he was let go shortly after.
Fake Diesel & Fake Razor Ramon Vs. Fake Undertaker (aka Fakertaker, aka Underfaker)
Oh the classic “fake character” gimmick rears its ugly head. When Hall & Nash left the WWE for WCW, somebody had the bright idea to start hinting that Razor Ramon and Diesel would be returning to the WWE. Not Hall & Nash mind you, Razor and Diesel. And return they did, brought back by Jim Ross, but they weren’t Hall & Nash but Glen Jacobs and Rick Bognar instead. The fans shit all over this betrayal and the gimmick was quickly dropped. Bognar was never seen again. Glen Jacobs, well that was a totally different story.
After The Undertaker’s disappearance, Ted Dibiase claimed he once again controlled ‘Taker. Paul Bearer was shocked. His Undertaker would never take money from anyone. Well, he didn’t. And everybody knew it. The Fake Undertaker (Brian Lee), looked a little bit like the original, except for the fact he was 5” shorter. They met in one match, which fans absolutely hated.
Mordecai Vs. Kevin Thorn
Another battle of the same person with two terrible gimmicks. Kevin Fertig originally showed up on WWE programming as the religious (yes, religion again) character known as Mordecai. He was dressed all in white, with stark platinum blond hair. He was going to rid the WWE of sin, and rumour has it a program with The Undertaker was planned. Alas, the gimmick was dropped and Fertig was sent back to OVW before ever really going anywhere
He showed back up on WWECW, as the vampire character known as Kevin Thorn. He was originally going to be part of a “New Brood” so to speak, but that never happened. He was accompanied by his valet Ariel, played by Shelly Martinez, and did have a modicum of success in ECW before eventually being released. Fertig still wrestled independently; while Martinez went on to do fetish porn (true story).
Los Matadores Vs. Mexicools
It’s the battle of the Hispanics, right here on Lords of Pain (Foley Pop!). OK, so you should all be familiar with Los Matadores right? Two Puerto Ricans portraying two Mexicans, because in the WWE’s eyes they’re all the same. Primo and Epico are two incredibly talented wrestlers, but they weren’t getting over as Primo and Epico. So they were repackaged with a previously used repackage- bullfighters. I think it’s safe to say that the most over thing in this gimmick is a midget wrestler dressed up like a bull.
The Mexicools were three very talented luchadors, Super Crazy, Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis. As the Mexicools, they were going to break down the American stereotypes of Mexicans as cheap day laborers. However having them come out in matching blue coveralls riding lawnmowers called Juan Deeres did the exact opposite. To steal a line from my partner in this series, because racism. They lasted for a good run in the WWE before they were individually released.
The Mountie Vs. Nailz
Lawmen and criminals, a tale that stands the test of time, and one that has popped up numerous times in the WWE. Jacques Rougeau fell on the lawman side, albeit it a heel one when he debuted as The Mountie, a rogue member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, except of course when the WWE went to Canada. You see, Canada had a problem with the WWE portraying one of their own, so when in his own country, Rougeau wrestled as himself. With the use of his shock-stick, The Mountie had a pretty successful run in the WWE, even holding the Intercontinental Title, albeit for just two days.
On the other side of the law was Nailz, a convict character that feuded with the Big Boss Man. He claimed he was a victim of police abuse and was innocent of all his crimes. One thing he wasn’t innocent of however was physically attacking Vince McMahon backstage during a dispute over money. Nailz went on to testify against McMahon in the storied steroid trials, but he barely wrestled again over the years.
Repo Man Vs. Sparky Plugg
Formerly one of the members of Demolition, Barry Darsow was later packaged as a sneaky Repo Man. His gimmick was that he repossessed other wrestlers stuff. He snuck around the ring, acting shifty and suspicious, before running off with a belt, or someone’s robe, or whatever he could repossess. He worked with Ted Dibiase to battle Virgil over the Million Dollar Belt. Despite his best attempts, Repo barely made a blip on the radar even though his character was around for a couple of years.
In an era when everybody had a “job” for their gimmick, Bob Holly debuted in the WWE as race-car driver Thurman “Sparky” Plugg. The name was later changed to Bob “Spark Plug” Holly, because that’s so much better. His outfit had checkered flag designs on it, but unfortunately for Holly the gimmick was sent back to the garage and didn’t finish the race.
Xanta Claus Vs. Widow Maker Barry Windham
Balls Mahoney, evil Santa Claus- there really isn’t much more to say. That kind of speaks for itself doesn’t it?
Barry Windham makes his second appearance in our tournament. After a very successful run as a member of the Four Horsemen, Windham came back to the WWE as The Widow Maker. The problem though, was the gimmick wasn’t much more than a name, as Windham was basically the same heel cowboy character he always portrayed. Whether or not there was more intended will never be known, as Windham left the WWE again for personal reasons.
Mike Adamle Bracket (YourAyatollah)
Abe Knuckleball Schwartz Vs. The Goon
Hey, remember MVP? No, not the dude in TNA now who used to dress like a Power Ranger during his stint in WWE. No, not the Most Vertical Primate, either. I mean the Brooklyn Brawler in a baseball uniform with his face painted up like a baseball. You don’t? He wrestled as the character once in the battle royal that would eventually see Razor Ramon win his first IC championship and then disappeared. A year or so later, though, there was a strike in Major League Baseball and he was rechristened Abe Knuckleball Schwartz and trotted back out. It doesn’t matter how he fared, does it? All you really needed to know was “the Brooklyn Brawler in a baseball uniform with his face painted up like a baseball.”
The Goon came in along with TL Hopper and all those guys and had about as much impact. While the idea of a former hockey player becoming a pro wrestler isn’t necessarily a terrible one, the idea of a guy coming out in a full hockey uniform before throwing down his gloves to scrap in the ring is. I don’t know what sort of drugs were going around Titan Towers back in 1994/95 but damn, they must have been pretty good.
Deuce and Domino Vs. Tekno Team 2000
Deuce and Domino were two fairly talented guys who had the unfortunate luck of being saddled with a 50s greaser gimmick. I mean, really, who the hell thought that would work? I could see it perhaps working in the 80s when The Fonz was still in syndication on Happy Days but there is literally no reason whatsoever for anyone to have thought this was a good idea. Once again with the silver lining, though, we at least got to see the lovely Cherry accompany them to the ring on her roller skates.
Billed as the cutting edge team of the future, Tekno Team 2000 wore tight, shiny Zubaz style pants to the ring because nothing says “The Future” like Zubaz pants. Though pushed heavily upon their debut, TT2000 didn’t so much catch on as much as the WWF would’ve liked. There’s a reason for that, as they basically looked like jackasses and could in no way live up to their billing as an exciting team that was supposedly ahead of their time, mostly because they pretty much sucked in the ring.
Jillian Hall Vs. Natalya the Farter
Wow, Jillian Hall. After starting out as “fixer” for both MNM and Bradshaw, the blonde bombshell with a giant growth on her face (yes, you just read that correctly) would go on to work as a competitor in the Divas division after The Boogeyman ate the mole off of her face (again, you read that correctly). Eventually she settled into a gimmick in which she thought she was an awesome pop singer, during which she would torture audiences with outlandishly horrific vocals. Be it as the mole faced chick or the shitty singer chick, Jillian certainly deserves to be mentioned on any list of horrible gimmicks.
Poor Natalya has never been able to catch a break in WWE. Though she is now finally getting some recognition due to her role on Total Divas, the arguably best in ring worker on the Divas roster was previously best known for a gimmick in which she farted all the time. Yes, farted. Blew ass. Tooted. I can’t even begin to imagine why anyone thought this was a good idea and can only imagine that Nattie likely preferred competing in relative obscurity over being known as “that farting chick”.
Rosey the S.H.I.T Vs. Tugboat
Rosey started out as a member of 3 Minute Warning, Eric Bischoff’s personal wrecking crew. He and his cousin, Jamal, would basically interrupt anything that Easy E found boring and proceed to beat the crap out of anyone in the ring. Not the best gimmick, but pretty cool. After Jamal was released, though. Rosey found himself adrift. He was eventually taken in by The Hurricane, who groomed him as a SuperHero In Training, or S.H.I.T.. As ridiculous as it was, they actually had a pretty fun run. And yes, Rosey did eventually earn his mask as a full fledged superhero.
Tugboat was a 400 pound man who wore a little sailor’s hat and pulled an imaginary boat whistle while saying, “Toot, toot!”. Because cocaine. I’ve never figured out why he was given the gimmick. Was he supposed to be a former tugboat captain, hence the hat and silly outfit? Or was he just so big that he was supposed to resemble a tugboat, thus the “Toot, toot!”? The world may never know. This would sadly not be his worst gimmick as the man under the silly hat, Fred Ottman, would earn a place in the Horrible Gimmick Hall of Fame by being the unfortunate bastard under The Shockmaster’s glittery Storm Trooper helmet in WCW.
Make a Difference Fatu Vs. The Sultan
After having played the role of a barefoot, raw fish gnawing Samoan savage in The Headshrinkers, Fatu all of a sudden learned to speak English, billed himself from San Francisco and started telling kids about how the gangsta lifestyle was bad and stuff. To his credit, the gimmick had its heart in the right place and was inspired by his own story of having been caught in a drive by shooting and dying for 3 minutes. As well meaning as it was, though, Make a Difference Fatu just didn’t translate well to the world of pro wrestling and had a justifiably short lived run. Luckily for Fatu he would later go on to find his niche as the dancing Rikishi Phatu.
Before Rikishi came along, though, poor Fatu had to suffer through being billed as a Middle Easterner and put under a mask as The Sultan. If it had been a politically charged gimmick, like General Adnan or Iraqi sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter, then perhaps it would’ve made a little sense. It would’ve sucked, as all stereotypical ethnic based gimmicks do, but it would’ve made at least a little sense. Instead, though, it was just weird. The Sultan looked like a reject from Street Fighter 2 and, despite uncommon agility and athletic ability for a man his size, made virtually no impact whatsoever.
Big Bully Busick Vs. Steven Regal- The Real Man’s Man
Big Bully Busick is a name that most of you, even the long time fans, don’t remember. He debuted in 1991 with the gimmick of an old timey bully, complete with bowler hat and handlebar mustache. Wow. Just wow. The fact that his most noteworthy feud was against the most famous jobber of all time, The Brooklyn Brawler, and the additional fact that he LOST THE FEUD should tell you all you need to know about Busick.
The product of Vince Russo’s cocaine fueled adolescent mind, Steven Regal came into the WWF from WCW known as one of the most technically sound professional wrestlers to have ever lived. After suffering a severe ankle injury shortly after his debut, Regal was repackaged upon his return as The Real Man’s Man, complete with vignettes showing him chopping wood and squeezing his own orange juice and whatnot. The gimmick was apparently inspired by the Brawny paper towels man, which says more about Russo’s level of creative “talent” than anything else ever could.
Man with No Face Vs. Who
After almost two years of recovery after suffering catastrophically severe facial injuries in a freak parasailing accident, the former Brutus Beefcake, Ed Leslie, was finally set to make his return to the WWF. The gimmick he was given was one of a masked grappler who ran in unannounced and headbutted people. That’s it. That’s all he did. He ran in and headbutted people. I assume they were going to eventually reveal him as Beefcake and play up the steel plates in his face, much as they did Lex Luger’s forearm a couple years later, but it never came to pass. The Man with No Face never wrestled a single match and was technically never even given a proper name.
Add a question mark to the end of our next grappler’s name and you’ll have most people’s reaction to seeing him listed here. Who, pray tell, is Who? He was a guy who showed up in the glorious (for horrible gimmicks) year of 1995 under a mask. He would then proceed to job to everyone he came into contact with while Jerry Lawler and Vince McMahon trotted out lame “Who’s on first?,” style jokes at ringside. Oh, and he was also Jim Neidhart. I’m pretty sure The Anvil would prefer we forget that last part.
Rad Radford Vs. Salvatore Sincere
In keeping with the WWF’s seeming inability to never quite be able to jump onto a bandwagon while it’s still in motion, Rad Radford was the Federation’s flag waver for the grunge generation about a year or so after that wave had hit its peak. Rad Radford was an instantly forgettable character, which fortunately wasn’t true of the man saddled with the gimmick who later went on to burgeoning fame as Louie Spicolli in ECW and WCW. He unfortunately passed away right as his Chris Farley inspired later gimmick was taking off, but leaves behind a pretty fun legacy for a guy with such a short overall run in the business. Rad Radford, unfortunately, is a part of that legacy that is best left forgotten.
Salvatore Sincere on the other hand was a cross between an Italian mobster and a swindler straight out of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Played by Tom Brandi, he told the audience that everything he said was “sincere” and that he loved everyone. Well, unfortunately for Salvatore, the feeling was NOT mutual, as the audience absolutely hated the character and he wasn’t long for the WWE.
Berzerker Vs. Damien Demento
Originally billed as The Viking, The Berzerker was, well, a Viking. Okay, the WWF’s version of a Viking, complete with sword and horn helmet. Much, much research went into the gimmick, including the revelation that the battle cry for the Norse conquerors of the Middle Ages was, “Huss! Huss!”. Though some historians may dispute this, the fact remains that to a generation of wrestling fans, “Viking” translates to “kinda jobbery guy in a tunic who spouts gibberish”.
Damien Demento, on the other hand, was… um… I honestly don’t know. Seriously, I have no clue what this dude was supposed to be other than a weirdo who wore fuzzy shoulder pads that had teeth or bones or something sticking out of them like some sort of Prehistoric Road Warrior. He was, to his credit, a big scary looking dude that was almost sort of genuinely threatening. The fact that he was seemingly played somewhat for laughs didn’t help him out too much, though. His greatest claim to fame is having played victim to The Undertaker in the very first main event on Monday Night Raw, as well as the fact that he left such a lasting impression upon those who were fans back then despite only being around for a year.
Adam Bomb Vs. Stuttering Matt Morgan
Adam Bomb was almost a cool concept. Almost. Billed from Three Mile Island (site of a nuclear accident in the late 70s), Adam was supposed to have been a survivor of the fallout who had apparently gained some sort of freakish strength as a result of his childhood exposure to the radiation and stuff. Or something like that. In reality he was just a big badass looking guy wearing goggles who had a really red tongue. Despite cutting a fairly impressive image, the gimmick failed pretty hard (as one would expect from a guy who lobbed rubber nukes at the audience upon his babyface turn) and our pal Mr. Bomb was only around for a very uneventful couple of years.
Matt Morgan was on Tough Enough and was the early favorite to win it all had it not been for an unfortunate injury. As they are apt to do, though, WWE kept an eye on the big blue chipper and soon signed him to a contract with plans for him to be a big time star. Unfortunately for Morgan, “big time star” to them meant “dude with a severe stuttering problem”. Was it a rib? Was it one of those cases of giving a young guy a crappy gimmick just to see if he can overcome it, like a rite of passage? Or, most terrifying, was it something that the creative team legitimately thought would get over? If it was the latter, well, they were wrong as the fans for some reason didn’t immediately flock to get behind a dude who had trouble finishing a sentence.
Outback Jack Vs. Skinner
“Australian” in the mid to late 1980s meant one thing to the majority of Americans, that being Crocodile Dundee. While that movie was, indeed, pretty awesome and quite successful, that didn’t so much translate to the wrestling world. Outback Jack was, if you hadn’t gathered, the WWF’s answer to Mick Dundee. As a guy from the Australian Outback who enjoyed riding around in a Jeep and getting drunk with cows, (yes, you read that right), Jack also boasted about having learned fighting and survival skills from the Aborigines. That training obviously didn’t serve him well in the ring as he went from a moderate push to outright jobber status within a few months.
Skinner was cut from the same cloth as our Outback pal, only hailing from the Florida Everglades as opposed to the Aussie bush. Portrayed as a smelly, unwashed gator wrestler type guy, (think a smaller version of Luke Harper only way, way, way cheesier), Skinner could always be found chomping a mouthful of tobacco and carrying around an alligator claw that he would use against his opponents. Despite a questionable undefeated run upon his first few months in the company, he eventually settled into the jobber status that one could only have assumed he was predestined for. The man under the flannel, Steve Kiern, was actually a damn solid wrestler, as evidenced by his matches against Bret Hart for the IC strap and the fact that he is has been one of the lead trainers in WWE developmental for quite some time.
Brother Love Vs. Johnny Polo
Oh, Brother Love. The original manager of The Undertaker was a red faced parody of all the dirty televangelist preachers seen everywhere in the late 1980s, complete with overwrought delivery and blatantly bullshit professions of love for everyone. One of those few people that literally everyone hated, Love was also the source of some controversy as his Brother Love Show segments sometimes poked fun a bit too liberally at the Christian faith. One notorious segment saw him “faith healing” crippled and blind people. That was pretty much the end of the road for perhaps the most outright hated and annoying character in WWF/E history as The Ultimate Warrior would perform perhaps his greatest babyface feat in destrying the Brother Love Show set and beating Love himself into a quivering mass, never to be seen regularly again.
Johnny Polo, on the other hand, is most notoriously known simply for being a waste of the talent of the man who portrayed him. The former Scotty Flamingo in WCW, who would later go on to help further establish the revolution known as ECW with his Raven character, was an obnoxious, loud rich kid who managed the aforementioned Adam Bomb as well as The Quebecers tag team to the gold in controversial fashion back in the early days of Monday Night Raw. In addition to this, he was also part of the rotating commentary team with Vince McMahon, an occasional wrestler and even a producer on the show. Oh, he also carried around various sporting implements such as a golf club, hockey stick and, of course, polo club. There’s frankly no telling how far the gimmick would have developed had it not been for the man behind the tacky shirts, Scott Levy, simply wanting more. And cocaine. Cocaine probably had at least a little to do with it, especially that which he allegedly shared with Shane McMahon.
Well that does it for our first round match-ups. We'll speed things up a little bit as it seemed awfully long until we put up a new bracket didn't it? I mean we don't want this to go forever. So voting goes until next Monday the 12th. Much like the first round, I've conveniently added polls below for easy voting.
Make sure to vote!
Until next time,
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