Chair Shots Presents: The Search for Randy Orton's Personality- A TripleR Mystery
Sep 23, 2013 - 11:23:22 AM
The leaves were starting to turn colors, or at least that’s what I was told. Where I set-up shop the only thing that remotely looked like foliage was the pot plants that my neighbors were growing two doors down. In case you forgot, my name’s TripleR, and I’m a private detective. But lately, the only thing I’ve been detecting is the lack of money in my bank account and the lack of beer in my fridge. I needed a case, and I needed one fast. Luckily, I had a meeting with a client this morning, but not one I was looking forward to seeing.
”Mr. R, your 10:00 is here. Should I send them in?”
I should have told her no, but I needed the money so I told her to send trouble my way.
”Good morning TripleR. It’s nice to see you again.”
Her name was Stephanie McMahon, and she was nothing but a headache. In fact, dames in general are nothing but trouble. It’s a rule, look it up.
“What do you want Ms. McMahon? I’m a busy guy and I don’t have a lot of time for your WWE nonsense.”
I noticed the walking dead that came in behind her. His name is Randy Orton. This can’t be good.
“I know for a fact that you’ve got NOTHING but time TripleR. Ever since you started taking our cases, no one will touch you with a ten foot pole.”
I’ll show her a ten foot pole.
”Anyway, we’ve got a problem with Randy Orton. He’s…..not right. We need your help figuring out what’s going on. Randy’s an integral part of our company right now and we can’t have him in this condition.”
”So what’s wrong with him? He looks fine to me.”
”01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100”
” What the hell is that?”
”Someone has taken Randy’s personality and replaced it with computer code. This time it looks like binary, but it changes. Whoever did this thought it would be funny to turn Mr. Orton into a walking robot.”
I’ve seen Orton talk. Frankly, it’s an improvement, but I needed the money, so I was headed back to Bizarro Land once again.
“I’ll take your case Ms. McMahon, but I expect to get paid on time.”
”Don’t worry TripleR, my name is Stephanie McMahon, not Dixie Carter. But if you don’t solve this case, I’ll make sure you never work again.”
”Randy Orton is -feeling encouraged. Like/Share”
What the hell did I get myself into?
I made my way to Monday Night Raw to do a little digging. Unfortunately, I knew my way around this circus well enough to know that there were plenty of lunatics here that could have done this. Stephanie said one of the wresters was going to show me around backstage. I guess this was the guy.
“Hey man, I’m JTG. Ms. McMahon asked me to show you around, get you anything you needed.”
“You’re a wrestler here?”
“Yeah man, I’ve been here a long time now. I’m invaluable.”
“You’re a wrestler? Like, you get in the ring and compete?”
“Well……I’m employed man. And like I say, if you ain’t workin’ you’re twerkin’”
I had no idea what this fool was talking about. So I sent him to find me some sugar-free bottled water. That should keep him busy. Now off to my first interview. Apparently Orton had been seen in the company of a new Diva named JoJo. Problem was, I couldn’t find her anywhere. Luckily I caught one of the guys coming out of the locker room.
“Hey excuse me. I’m trying to find a Diva named JoJo. Do you know where she is?”
“Follow the Buzzards man. They’ll lead you down the path of righteousness and redemption. Sister Abigail told me if you follow them, they’ll lead you to the innards of society. And if you pick the innards clean, you can rebuild the world in your image. I am Bray Wyatt! I am the Eater of Worlds!”
What the hell is wrong with these people?
”First off, the only thing you look like you’re the eater of is a 12-piece bucket of Original Recipe and a side of mashed potatoes. Do you or do you not know where JoJo is?”
“She’s in the Little Divas locker room, just as I told you. Follow the Buzzards!”
Well, that was the only thing he said that made sense. Before I got to the Divas however, I was stopped by my employer, Stephanie McMahon. Robot Orton was tagging along beside her.
”TripleR, have you had any luck cracking the case yet? It is essential that whoever did this to Randy be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
Great, now I was being tweeted at. I made my way to the Divas locker room and found who I assumed to be JoJo sitting on a bench reading a book.
”Excuse me, are you JoJo?”
“Yes, I am. Hey, have you ever read this book? It’s really good; I can’t wait to see if Pop is the only thing that gets hopped on. I mean it’s really suspenseful. He could hop on Mom, or the dog. Maybe he could hop on Aksana?”
Too late, I already did that. This couldn’t be the girl that Orton was hooking up with. She’s a plaid skirt away from being on “To Catch a Predator.”
”So….JoJo, you’ve been seeing a lot of Randy Orton lately from what I’ve been told. Have you noticed anything….different about him? Has he been troubled by anything? People harassing him?”
“Oh I wouldn’t know. I only hang out with Randy here at the shows. Other than that I’ve got a curfew. If I don’t get home in time, my Mom will take away my One Direction posters. Hey, have you seen my purse?”
Obviously JoJo wasn’t going to be much help to me. So I decided to go see the man that calls all the action for the WWE, Michael Cole.
I found Cole hanging out with his broadcast colleagues Jerry Lawler and JBL. I guess I can kill three birds with one stone.
”Mr. Cole, I’ve been hired to find out what’s wrong with Randy Orton. I was wondering if you had any idea as to why he’s become somewhat….robotic as of late?”
“That’s just vintage Randy Orton. There’s nothing wrong with him.”
“How can you say that Cole? There’s obviously something wrong with Orton. You’re an idiot if you think he’s normal. Hey, did you know I climbed Mt. Everest and my wife Meredith Whitney wrote a book called Fate of the States?”
“That’s vintage JBl right there.”
“You know what else is vintage Cole? Puppies! Seriously though, Orton has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt. He once tried to enter an ugly contest, but the judge said “Sorry, no professionals.”
“Sorry we couldn’t help you TripleR, but if there is something wrong with Orton, you can best believe it will be trending worldwide tonight during Raw.”
Trending worldwide? Why didn’t I see this before? Before I left Raw, I made sure to set up an appointment with Stephanie McMahon in the morning, but not before I made another phone call first.
Stephanie arrived right on time. I had just gotten my laptop set-up and everything was ready to go. The show was about to begin.
”Why did you drag us back to your office? Did you solve the case? I assume since you’re no longer interviewing suspects that there must be a break.”
“Oh there’s a break in the case alright Ms. McMahon. Do you mind if I show you something?”
I turned my laptop around and played the Tout I received from the WWE Director of Social Media, Corey Clayton.
”I’m sorry Ms. McMahon, I told him everything. He threatened to ruin my career if I didn’t tell him what we did to Randy. I know how much social media means to the WWE, but I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”
I stopped the Tout and looked at Stephanie. Her face was beet red. Orton looked at her with confusion on his face.
“Randy Orton is- feeling confused. Like/Share”
“Oh don’t give me that look Randy. It’s not like there was much of a personality there to begin with. At least now you’re of some use to the WWE. As for you TripleR, I didn’t think you’d be bright enough to figure it out. You’re just so lowlife, alcoholic private eye with a beer stained chair and blood spattered carpet. You know you can’t do anything. I’m too powerful. So Randy and I are just going to walk out of here and you’re going to forget everything that you found out. Trust me; you don’t want to cross the McMahon’s.”
I was helpless as she started walking out the door. She was right. I couldn’t do anything, but I never saw coming what happened next. Orton grabbed Stephanie McMahon by the neck and RKO’d her on top of my desk. She lay unconscious on top of my laptop, the thing that got us here in the first place. Social Media became so important to the WWE that they forgot about what got them here to begin with- real people.
As Randy and I sat down to call the police, he looked at me.
"Randy Orton is- feeling thankful #Closure #Content. 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00001101 00001010”
And then he went offline.
Until next case,
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