Chair Shots Presents: The Return of the Raw Running Diary
By Rob Simmons
Jul 7, 2014 - 11:12:29 PM
Welcome back dear readers to the column that’s kickin’ it old school by bringing back one of Lords of Pain’s favorite columns- The Raw Running Diary. Now before you all start yelling that this is Hustle’s thing, I asked the good man for his permission, and he has given his blessing to the return of the Diary. Besides, he’s been super busy doing his best impression of The Count from Sesame Street (jokes). So we’ll try it this week, and if you all enjoy it enough we’ll bring it back on a regular basis. But of course I have to put my own little twist on the columns, so in the spirit of my TripleR-ness, we’re tweaking the name just a little. So sit back, relax and hopefully enjoy:
Rob’s Raw Running Diary
8:00- Tonight Raw comes to us from America’s hat, Canada. Our very own Super Chrisss will be in attendance, so if Zack Ryder appears, look for the guy having an orgasm. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, “Bienvenue à Monday Night Raw.”
8:03- Raw kicks off with Rohypnol Reigns making his way to the arena, fresh out of the concession area shower. We’re informed we are without The Authority tonight, so no more Pootie Tang impressions from Triple H.
8:05- Reigns informs us HE can, Kane can’t, and Orton won’t. The crowd starts a “Cena Sucks” chant and Reigns agrees. BELIEVE THAT! Kane comes out, stares at Reigns, and gets called a bitch. That IS NOT very PG Mr. Reigns.
8:08- It’s a slobberknocker at ringside between Reigns and Kane until Little Naitch and the Seven Refs come to ringside to stop it. Finlay and Noble sighting as Fit gets speared so hard he shits out another Hornswoggle. IRS tries to drag Kane away for an audit. Man those veterans take some abuse.
8:12- Why is that dude taking his underwear off on the rollercoaster? That’s just creepy.
8:15- We’re back and Rowan and Harper are already in the ring jamming to some Swamp Pop. Looks like we’re getting a rematch with The Usos. I can dig that, as these teams really work well together.
8:18- Timing seems to be a little off between Harper and Jimmy tonight. Rowan comes in and decides to try and unscrew Jimmy’s neck. Timing is still slightly off, but this is still better than most tag matches lately.
8:21- Commercial break promoting USA shows that I don’t know of anybody who watches. I do know they have one coming out about guys who have sex for money debuting on my birthday.
8:24- Back from the break and Rowan still can’t get the Usos head unscrewed. Don’t you know you’re supposed to smack it on the bottom first? Wait, that might be a pickle jar. Uso comeback and we have lift-off over the top rope. Harper just about kicks the Samoan right out of the Usos.
8:24- We get our first “This is awesome” chant. Harper hits one of the Usos with a Swamp Drop, but the pin gets broken up. After some mayhem, Harper clotheslines the face paint right off his opponent, but the wrong Uso was in the ring. Well if you weren’t identical damn twins, maybe the ref could tell you apart. Not as good as some of their other matches, but a great in-ring start.
8:30- WWE Free Preview All Week. 90% satisfaction rate- no, not the commentators, the Network. You have to reverse those numbers for the announce team.
8:36- We now have Nikki Bella and Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Alicia Fox in a match where each Divas has a hand tied behind their back…..because the wrestling will get better one handed? This never works well as the ref never ties them correctly. But hey, female bondage, so there’s that.
8:40- Alicia decides to forget the stipulation and stomps a mudhole into Nikki, who seems to be enjoying being tied up, juuuust a little bit. John you dirty boy! For some reason the ref ISN’T untying Nikki, who continues to get abused. That was....a segment.
8:45- LANA! LANA! Oh yeah, Rusev is in the ring too. “One of a Kind” hits and RVD hits the ring to be Rusev’s latest victim. We said this last week on The Late Shift, but if all RVD is going to do is job now, then what’s the point?
8:47-ECW chant breaks out….in Canada! Colter gets a split screen and challenges Rusev to a match against Swagger at Battleground. I can dig that, and the Swagger face turn continues. Van Dam continues his string of one on one matches where he and his opponent don’t mesh well. Lana yells “CRUSH” and RVD’s losing streak continues. Big E. looked better against Rusev. I don’t understand what RVD’s role is anymore
8:52- Randy Orton is walking…..to meet Dean Ambrose. Hell yeah!
9:00- Top of the second hour and it’s time for Ambrose/Orton. Ambrose looks like he just rolled out of the back alley of a Montreal bar. Crowd not really into this one yet. Seems stuck in first gear at the moment.
9:04- Ambrose starts to rally, trying to get the crowd into the match. So far neither Ambrose nor Orton has given the fans anything to get excited about. Just as it gets going, we go to commercial.
9:09- Back from the break and Michael Cole continues to show us he has no idea what the word “exclusive” means as he shows a clip from the WWE App. Long match taking place here, just not all that exciting. Crowd desperately trying to stay invested, but Orton has reverted back to his robotic ways.
9:12- Ambrose mounts a comeback, breaking out the Figure Four out of nowhere. Hey Miz, that’s how you put it on. Um JBL, Bret Hart didn’t use the Figure Four you moron. Slight botch as Ambrose came off the top rope and did absolutely nothing. This match is going on WAY too long.
9:15- Ambrose and Orton take it outside. Chairs are flying….a lot of them. Ambrose takes a DDT on the floor and Little Naitch starts his count.
9:18- A series of near falls, but Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere. An 18 minute match that seemed about 8 minutes too long unfortunately. Orton seems to have lost the fire he had a while ago, and Ambrose seemed hindered by Orton’s inability to kick the intensity up a notch.
9:20- Cena is backstage with Renee Young and is back in standard Cena mode. Reigns interrupts and trades “homes” with Cena. Standard Cena interview. Blah, Blah, Blah.
9:24- I love the Wendy’s girl. ‘Nuff said!
9:25- Uh oh, Dolph is in the ring with Del Rio. Watch your head Dolph! WATCH YOUR HEAD! Fandango is on commentary speaking in the third person. Rob doesn’t care. Rob asks that Fandango stop talking.
9:27- Damn Del Rio went immediately for Ziggler’s head. What in the blue hell is Fandango doing on commentary, besides sounding like a major creeper?
9:30- Fandango just said he was “The Fonz “of the WWE. Thanks for that 40-year old reference there buddy. Fandango’s music hits and he gyrates on the announce desk. Ziggler is distracted and Del Rio kicks Zigs in the head AGAIN and gets the pin. Sheamus/Del Rio on Main Event, because we’ve never seen THAT before.
9:32- Call 1-900-FANDANGO. $3.99/minute with all proceeds going to the JTG Re-employment Fund!
9:33- The Dust Brothers are in the back, talking about golden roads, blind men seeing, and various other things from a Creed song. Gotta admit, I dig this gimmick and it is working for Cody and Dustin.
9:40- Lawler in the ring addressing his heart attack last year, before introducing the Pink and Black Attack, Bret Hart. Hart addresses the crowd and is interrupted by…..Bret Sandhart. Sandow brings up the Screwjob and gets major heat.
9:45- Hart decks Sandow and the segment closes. I’m not really sure where they’re going with this Sandow thing, but he’s been nailing his impersonations so far. Good reception for Bret.
9:46- IT’S A SHAMEFUL….wait, that’s not my schtick. Anyway, the Transparent Warrior makes his way to the ring to take on Sandow……after the break!
9:50- We’re back and the action started exclusively on the WWE App. Sheamus kicks Sandow right in the face with the Brogue Kick and this one is over as quickly as it started. Not much to say about this one. Pretty standard fare.
9:55- Go away Miz! I’m sure MTV is filming a new season of The Challenge. Coral doesn’t have anything to do anymore, and TJ Lavin misses you. The Miz/Jericho after the break.
10:01- Jericho hits the ring to see action against The Miz. I’ve read good things about their test matches, so let’s see how it goes on Raw. Jericho looks crisp from the jump, showing little to no ring rust.
10:06- Crowd into this match, the most they’ve been invested since the opener. Jericho might be bleeding from the ear. Miz’s chest beet red from Jericho chops. Miz actually applies the Figure Four correctly, but Y2J reaches the ropes.
10:10- Just like that, Jericho gets Miz in the Walls of Jericho and this one is over. Not quite 10 minutes, but Jericho looked sharp. The arena goes dark and Bray Wyatt is in his rocking chair. The lit up cell phones are quite the visual as they illuminate Jericho.
10:12- Jericho tells Wyatt to “shut the hell up” and charges the ramp. The lights go out again and Harper and Rowan flank their leader. I’ve got to say, I wouldn’t mind a Wyatt Family vs The Usos and Jericho six-man match. That would be pretty solid. So far, not really sure what the motivation to this feud is, but it should have some good matches around it.
10:16- I name you, Cornelius Pumperdinkle!!
10:17- The Funkadactyls are in the ring, and Super Chrisss may have just killed himself having to watch Cameron anywhere near the ring. Paige makes her way to the ring, still seeming somewhat babyface, but we’ll see how quickly that changes. AJ is Paige’s partner? Well this is interesting.
10:20 - Cameron refuses to tag her partner, which I guess is a good thing. AJ hits the ring to a nice ovation and nails a spinning head scissors on Naomi. Cameron is actually putting on lip gloss at ringside. Gurl…..bye!
10:22- Cameron finally tags in and immediately gets hit with the Paige Turner. Not really sure where we’re going here with Paige and AJ, and more importantly I DON’T CARE about a Funkadactyls feud. Cameron and Naomi get into it like two chicks at a Drake concert. Weaves are being pulled. Pom Poms are being thrown, and zero fucks are given.
10:28- Sometimes a 3-hour Raw seems very long.
10:30- The Man, The Myth, The Legend Paul Heyman is in the ring with Cesaro who says the French hate Montreal, and the rest of Canada hates them too. Kofi hits the ring in his very bright ring gear, and we have a rematch.
10:33- Cesaro seemingly in control, but out of nowhere, Kingston gets a quick victory for the second week in a row. Cesaro loses it again and begins to beat down Kofi until Big E. makes the save. Apparently the black wrestlers have to stick together after being racially profiled by Rusev.
10:41- Reigns against Rusev on Smackdown? That ought to be interesting. Time for El Torito vs. Every Man’s Inspiration, Bo Dallas. I still want to hit Bo Dallas in the face with a bag of bricks, but that’s the point right?
10:41- Torito’s tail seems to have grown back as he beats Dallas about the face with it. Bo hits the Bo Dog off the second rope and continues his winning streak. He’s still awful in the ring, but the gimmick is getting over. Dallas runs victory laps around the ring, knocking Torito over and thanks the crowd for Bo-lieving. Now where are my bricks?
10:48- I’ve done the Full Lincoln. Just sayin’….
10:50- Main event time, right after yet ANOTHER alert that the WWE Network is free for a week. The Monday Night Wars were such a big deal in wrestling, but I watched it happen live.
10:52- The usual mixed reaction for the Champ as we prepare for the arrival of General Zod-llins. Rollins seems worthy of holding that briefcase, which I know was a big question going into MITB. Interesting dynamic that this is non-title, but COULD become for the belt at any moment.
10:55- Rollins on fire early, as we go to our last commercial break.
11:00- We’re at the top of the hour and Rollins is in control of the match. The Montreal crowd has been decent, but Raw has just been OK this evening. Rollins plants Cena with a solid DDT and rolls his over for a 2.
11:02- Another match that can’t seem to get into the next gear, but Rollins looks sharp as he hits a big enziguri to Cena on the top rope. Cena goes for the 5 Moves of Doom and attempts an AA. Rollins blocks but Cena goes for the STF.
11:04- Kane’s music hits and Kane and Orton attack Cena causing the DQ. Reigns makes his way down the ramp and hits Kane with a Superman Punch, followed by one to Orton. Reigns maybe relying on that move just a bit too much.
11:05- Rollins hits Reigns and Cena with the briefcase, and Cena is out. Rollins calls for the referee, but the Titty Master makes his way through the crowd continuing his promise to be up Seth’s ass for the next year. Cena recovers and hits Orton with the AA. Kane grabs Cena, but gets speared by Reigns.
11:07- Raw ends with Cena and Reigns face to face. Cena raises Roman’s arm and Raw goes off the air.
So that’s it for the evening in the WWE. Not a great Raw, seemingly a lot more of the same we’ve seen the past couple of weeks. It seemed like none of the matches could get into a higher gear, so for that, I give tonight’s episode a rating of:
There you have it dear readers, the return of the Running Diary. Did I do it justice? Do you want to see it again? Leave me your questions, comments, death threats, suggestions, and reasons why Cameron is still employed at all the usual outlets. And thanks for reading!
Until next time,
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