Chair Shots Presents: The Battleground Running Diary
By Rob Simmons
Jul 20, 2014 - 10:54:59 PM
Welcome back everybody to the column that is chock full of integrity and fair play- Chair Shots! Tonight we have the 2014 Battleground PPV, live from Tampa, Florida. Our card this evening is full of potential show stealers, despite having what many would consider a pretty unsurprising Main Event. Will John Cena retain? The odds are yes, especially considering the leaked SummerSlam poster with Brock Lesnar, but there is also the report that John Cena is NOT booked for Raw tomorrow night, so who knows? Would the WWE pull the early trigger on Roman Reigns? Time will tell as we have three hours of wrasslin’ goodness to get through.
I’m not able to watch the Pre-Show tonight because, well the kids have to get home to their Mom somehow, so here are my early predictions as I write this 30 minutes before kick-off.
Cameron vs. Naomi
I’m hoping that an entire swarm of bees descends upon the ring, stinging both Cameron and Naomi into oblivion so neither of them have to get in the ring again.
WINNER- The Swarm of Bees!
Adam Rose vs. Fandango
This was just added to the pre-show like an hour ago, so obviously there are weeks worth of background to this epic feud. Fandango can dance. Adam Rose sucks a lollipop. Together, madness ensues. I was behind Adam Rose to start, but the gimmick is stuck in neutral. I expect an appearance from LayRae in this one, thus giving Adam Rose the win.
WINNER- Adam Rose
Now, Let’s Get This Biatch Started!
The Battleground PPV Running Diary
8:00-Welcome to Battleground! We are live from Tampa, FL, where the only thing deader than James Garner is the Tampa Bay Rays. We get the video package to kick things off, re-emphasizing Plan “C.” Do we get a Lesnar appearance tonight? Only time will tell.
8:04- We’re kicking off the show with the 2 out of 3 falls match for the World Tag Team Championships. Jimmy and Jey bring their bright shiny pennies out to ringside, set to defend against Harper and Rowan in what should be a barnburner.
8:06- Swamp Pop fills the arena as #HarperDaGawd and Sheep Face make their way to ringside. I’m pretty sure Luke Harper hasn’t washed that shirt since he debuted in the WWE.
8:08- We get the bell. How long before Cole says “Uso Crazy?” Nobody sells their character better than Luke Harper. He looks legit cray-cray.
8:11- Rowan already has ass sweat. I don’t want to look, but you just can’t miss it. Harper and Rowan wearing down the Usos. So far the Wyatts in complete control.
8:13- Harper kicked the Haka right out of Jimmy Uso, giving the first fall to the Wyatts. We immediately go into the second fall. What happened to the brief rest period?
8:15- 7 minutes into the match and the Wyatts are dominating the tag champs. I’m pretty sure Rowan is sucking the head out of a crawfish in the corner while Harper is in the ring.
8:16- Really sloppy cover for the pin to even things up. The Usos make it 1-1, but Harper’s shoulders were CLEARLY not on the mat. A bit of a botch which will probably hurt the overall quality of this match.
8:19- Jimmy makes the hot tag and goes “Uso Crazy.” It took 11 minutes. I think that’s a record. Fast and furious action outside the ring. Jimmy almost gets the 3-count with a top rope body press.
8:21- Some intense near falls that have ramped up the action in this one. It took a while but it finally got out of second gear. Harper flies through the ropes driving Jimmy’s head into the mats.
8:23- Swamp Drop by Harper that I thought would end this one, but Jimmy kicks out. Amazing near falls happening right now. I could watch these two teams all day. Rowan misses a top rope splash and Luke gets crotched in the corner. Usos get yet ANOTHER amazing near fall. Wow! This is kicking off Battleground in amazing style.
8:25- Rowan, Jimmy and Jey are on the top rope as Rowan superplexes BOTH Usos. Holy shit! Yet another near fall, and a hell of a lot more ass sweat. This is a great match readers.
8:27- Harper nails the discus clothesline but it is AGAIN broken up. Usos superkick Harper and Rowan and go to the top rope for a double splash. The Usos retain! Wow, I’m completely surprised by that outcome, but damn was that third fall one for the ages. I’m going to throw out those first two and just rate that third fall- 4.25 Shiny Pennies!
8:30- Next we have Ambrose/Rollins in what SHOULD be a killer match, but I can’t help but expect shenanigans. Let’s see what happens shall we?
8:34- General Zodllins is in the back with his briefcase talking about stomping cockroaches, and Ambrose attacks him backstage. Triple H throws Ambrose out of the arena, and the match looks like it’s not going to happen. See, SHENANIGANS! Well that’s going to tick off a lot of people (including me), but it certainly DOES continue the storyline of Ambrose being a loose cannon.
8:36- Well, we’re moving on as Paige makes her way to the ring for her rematch with AJ Lee. I’d like to see this get some considerable time in my bedroom….er, the ring. I want to see what these two can do together (and yes there was subtext there).
8:40- We get adherence to the Code of Honor and we’re ready to go. It took all of 5 seconds for the stupid “CM Punk” chants to start. Hey people, shut up! Unless Punk has a vagina now, he’s not in the ring.
8:42- Paige tries to stomp a mud hole in AJ’s stomach in the corner and takes early control. She’s starting to show more of the aggressiveness that was a staple of hers back in NXT. Combined and soaking wet both of these girls aren’t even 200 lbs. Wait, let’s test that theory. Let me grab my hose.
8:44- The action goes to the floor briefly, but back in the ring for some top rope action. A somewhat sloppy sunset flip gets Paige a 2-count. AJ gets a brief flurry in and locks in the Black Widow out of nowhere. Paige is holding on longer than most and powers out of it. That’s just doesn’t happen.
8:47- Good action so far as Paige hits the Paige Turner for another 2-count. AJ comes back with the Shining Wizard and retains the title. They got about 7 minutes to work with. I’d have liked to see what they could have done with another 4-5. Decent enough match which we will give-3 sets of handcuffs!
8:52- Checking in with Renee Young. Hey girl! Booker, what is up with your hair? We’re getting the Fatal 4-Way predictions. Riley goes with Reigns, Christian goes with Reigns, and Booker goes with Stevie Ray. Oh, he picked Randy Orton. Booker, you ALWAYS pick Randy Orton.
8:55- Recap of Swagger/Rusev. Let’s see if the WWE backs off of the “Russian Superpower” thing after the Malaysian flight disaster. So far, no backing down from the gimmick. Putin on the big screen, and the Russian flag waving. Oh Lana, you have the most magnificent legs. And hey, Rusev is there too.
8:57- LOL, Lana has the same hairstyle as Booker T. Oh damn, the WWE is not backing down at all, instead pouring it on even heavier. Not sure how I feel about that, but damn if it isn’t getting Rusev even more heat. In the meantime, Muhammad Hassan is making $5 Footlongs at the local Subway. Can I get a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki please?
9:00- Jack Swagger- Babyface! Never thought I’d see the day honestly. I’m a fan of Swagger. He’s slightly reckless, but a good hand in the ring. Let’s see how much he can bring to this match. Go get ‘em Biff!
9:02- Lana slaps the baked beans out of Zeb’s beard as the action starts before the bell. Swagger is sporting the “We The People Shirt for Dummies.” He goes for the ankle lock, but Rusev bails outside.
9:03- Swagger putting all his eggs into the ankle basket so far. Swagger iooks energized with this new face reaction he’s getting. Rusev heaves Swagger over his head like a sack of beets (Russians like them right?).
9:06- Rusev kicking Swagger back to the future (parts II and III), as he begins to dominate the Real American. Swagger tossed outside as Zeb fires up his protégé! Swagger mounts a comeback.
9:09- Swagger sets up Rusev for the Swagger Bomb but only gets a 2-count. Lana is screaming at ringside (for me, at least that’s what I’m going with). The Swagger rally continues until he takes a kick right in the face. Rusev setting him up for the big superkick, but Swagger counters with the Patriot Lock.
9:11- Swagger pouring it on, but Rusev will not tap. He reaches the ropes and Swagger has to break. Really enjoying this match so far boys and girls. Swagger puts the Patriot Lock on outside the ring as the ref continues to count. Rusev counters, sending Swagger into the ring post. Rusev beats the count by 1, and Swagger loses by countout.
9:13- This was an acceptable finish to the match. It makes Swagger look strong by almost beating Rusev, and continues Rusev’s undefeated streak. The crowd was firmly behind Swagger, and this should set up a rematch.
9:14- Post-match Rusev drags Swagger into the ring and locks in the Accolade to an unconscious Swagger. More heat for the heel, more support for the face. This surely isn’t over. Overall, Chair Shots gives this match- 3.25 Moustache Twirls
9:16- STARDUST is backstage with his brother talking about the Cosmic Key, whatever the hell that is. I really DO dig this gimmick. Both Cody and Dustin are having so much fun. If you’re going to go for it, you HAVE to go all in, and that’s what Cody is doing.
9:20- Well, for some reason General Zodllins is making his way to the ring. I’ll be right back, I need some iced tea. OK, I’m back, and it looks like Rollins is going to be wrestling….Dean Ambrose who has been thrown out of the arena. Yay, more shenanigans to ensue!
9:21- Seth wins without doing anything, and Zack Ryder is on a 127-match losing streak. Ambrose is back, and attacks Rollins on the ramp. Mayhem and yes, shenanigans ensue as they begin to fight through the arena.
9:23- WWE security is awesome, as they couldn’t keep one man out of the arena, nor off of Seth Rollins. Ambrose goes full-on nutcase and throws everything he can at Seth. Triple H makes his way to ringside to once again throw Dean out of the building. Well, we saw how well that worked the last time.
9:25- The madness continues as Ambrose and Rollins are being held back by their hair. This my friends is how you do character development. Rollins is a cheap sell-out battling the embittered former partner who has vengeance on his mind. Good stuff that will continue for some time as Dean Ambrose fulfills his promise of being up Rollins’ ass for as long as he can.
9:28- Time for Jericho/Wyatt in a match that I’m still not sure I know the motivation behind, but with these two who the hell cares? Let’s just let them wrestle and blow the roof off the place.
9:31- They Wyatt Family entrance continues to be one of the best in the business right now; visually amazing! I would have loved Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker in his prime. That my friends would have been money. The Y2J entrance isn’t any slouch either, and for my money is one of the WWE’s best entrance themes of the last decade. Time for action! Let’s do this.
9:35- That black eye Bray has just adds to the creepy factor he has. Both men size each other up and here we go. They trade blows, which has no effect on Bray, who laughs in Jericho’s face.
9:38- Methodical pace to start the match. Jericho continues to look in great shape for a man that hasn’t been in the ring in a year. Batista should take notes on how to stay in shape from Y2J.
9:40- Jericho flies to the apron, taking out the entire Wyatt Family. Harper gets involved again and he and Rowan get thrown out. It’s one on one now as Bray looks on in disbelief. He bull rushes the ropes and send Jericho into the barricade.
9:43- Bad botch on the stomach buster which forced Bray to do the move a second time. Both he and Jericho were badly out of sync in that sequence. Time to get this one back on track boys.
9:46- Wyatt with a nice top rope face buster that gets a 2-count. Crowd having a hard time getting into this one. Pacing has been odd and some unexpected botches have left this one a little outside of my expectations.
9:48- Either another botch, or Jericho protecting himself too much on the apron DDT from Wyatt. So far these two are NOT having the best of matches. A reversal of the Sister Abigail into a kick out of the Walls of Jericho sees neither man get the upper hand.
9:50- Jericho hits the Code Breaker out of nowhere and gets the victory. Very strange finish to a very strange match. It never got out of second gear, and had less cohesion than I expected from these two. I’m not sure this feud has any legs to continue further. Chair Shots gives this one- 2.75 Sparkly Jackets
9:52- Rollins in the parking lot headed home and he looks skeered. Ambrose comes out of a trunk and swings a tire iron at Rollins head….a freakin’ tire iron. Rollins gets in his car and speeds away, leaving Ambrose in the parking lot. So no cash-in attempt tonight?
9:55- Time for the Battle Royal for the vacated IC Championship. Do you Bo-lieve? Are you Awesome? Is it your Destiny? Time for a swing? The combatants are introduced as we prepare for action. I’ve seen a lot of support being thrown Heath Slater’s way. Not sure why, but it would certainly be a shocker!
10:01- Bad News Barrett makes an appearance and tells the winner he’s got some bad news for the winner. The bell rings and everybody gangs up on Khali. Khali eliminates Xavier Woods and Zack Ryder but eats a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Khali is thrown out!
10:04- Bo Dallas bo-lieved and eliminated Hunicara. Damien Sandow looks like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.” Truth and Axel both eliminated as The Miz hides on the outside. Don’t forget that everybody at the end of this match.
10:06- El Quesarito is eliminated as well, and we’re getting down to the big boys. Sheamus and Ryback go face to face, which would have been something 2 years ago, but instead ends in Ryback getting a face full of boot. Miz is playing hide and seek, dodging and weaving his way to the end of this match. It’s being telegraphed a bit too much.
10:10- Bo Dallas continues to bo-lieve, eliminating Titus O’Neill. Kofi hits his typical “spot monkey” move dangling over the floor while hanging on Cesaro. We’re down to the big boys…..and Slater. Ziggler gets a measure of revenge as he eliminates ADR. Slater is still in. Could that support be warranted?
10:11- Kofi continues to be used for big spots as he gets launched and lands on Big E’s shoulders. Finally Cesaro suplexes Kofi over the top rope only to be eliminated by….Heath Slater? But one Brogue Kick later ends the Cinderella Story as Slater gets sent over the top.
10:13- Bo is bo-lieving he’s getting his chest beaten in. Ziggler sends Bo packing, leaving Ziggler and Sheamus…..but remember, Miz is still outside! Sneaky bastard isn’t he? Botch from Ziggler and Sheamus that looked super nasty.
10:17- Ziggler eliminates Sheamus, but The Miz sneaks back in and steals the IC Title by throwing Ziggler over the top rope. Your Winner and New IC Champion- THE MIZ! Really entertaining battle royal, but The Miz not being eliminated was highlighted way too much to make it surprising. For all you Miz haters, your wish list is granted- more reasons to hate The Miz! I love Battle Royals, and this one was pretty good. Let’s rate this- 3 Pairs of Sunglasses!
10:21- Match was over and I just realized Rob Van Dam wasn’t in it. Can someone please check the van in the parking lot? Yes, the one with the smoke filled windows.
10:24- Main Event time. What does it say that this is the match I am LEAST interested in? Will the WWE pull the Reigns trigger? Ew, that sounded dirty! Well, we’ll find out soon enough.
10:28- Orton and Kane in the ring. Reigns makes his entrance. Seriously people, does the WWE have a shower or sprinkler that Reigns runs through before coming down the steps? Cena makes his entrance, still carrying BOTH belts. So much for that news story. Flair probably tried to hoc it to pay some bills and Trips took it back.
10:32- The bell rings and it’s time for the WWE’s version of Four Square- the Fatal 4-Way! Early action sees a lot of punching and a lot of kicking. Don’t expect to see much technical action going on in this one. A match like this, with these types of wrestlers, is a throwback to some Attitude Main Events.
10:35- Kane playing the role of Big Red Bitch in this one as he’s making sure Orton doesn’t get hurt too badly. That Kane character has been neutered so badly over the years, such a shame! So far the crowd is having trouble getting into this one, except for when Reigns starts to flurry.
10:37- Orton showing some disgust at Kane trying to get the pin on Reigns. Laverne and Shirley start shoving each other until all Hell breaks loose. Kane takes Orton to the top rope for a superplex until Reigns and Cena join in for a giant move on both men. And then there’s more kicking.
10:40- Orton DDT’s both Reigns and Cena from the middle rope. Cole reminds us that it was “Vintage Randy Orton.” Kane again goes after Orton but Reigns breaks it up. People kick other people some more.
10:42- Would somebody PLEASE teach Cena how to put on the STF so it actually looks painful. Seriously, after all this time it still looks like shit! Reigns stops Orton from tapping and sends Orton over the announce table. And then Cena and Reigns punch each other.
10:44- Reigns goes for the Superman Punch, but Cena blocks and tells Roman he can’t see him. Guess what? Roman saw him. Shit, everybody saw him. He’s like right in your face looking at you. Reigns hit the Superman Punch and a spear on Cena, but Kane breaks it up.
10:46- Reigns does a lap around the ring hitting the apron dropkick on everybody, and then spears Orton so hard he shits out what’s left of his personality. A “This is Awesome!” chant breaks out. Come on people, the first match was awesome. This is good, but NOT awesome.
10:48- Cena AA’s Reigns and Kane, but cannot score a pinfall. Kane chokeslams Cena and Reigns, but also cannot score a pinfall. This is actually better than I expected. I give these four a lot of credit for putting on an entertaining match thus far.
10:49- Each man hits their finishing moves, leading to Cena hitting the AA on Orton, as he lands right on top of Kane. Cena pins Kane and retains the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, to no one’s surprise. I’m not going to bitch too much about predictability, because that was a decent Main Event. Lesnar is lurking, it’s only a matter of time. We’ll rate this one at=3.25 boxes of Fruity Pebbles
So that’s it dear readers, another PPV in the books. We have a new IC Champion, the same WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and retaining Tag Champions who stole the show. The Usos and Wyatt Family put themselves in the MOTY talks with an awesome 3rd fall and the match of the night.
What did you think readers? Did you enjoy the show? Hit me up with your comments, questions, suggestions, death threats, and tickets to see Fozzy at all the available outlets. And again, thanks so much for reading!
Until next time,
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