Chair Shots Presents: The Ballad of Braun Strowman (A Story in Rhyme)
By Rob Simmons
Apr 20, 2017 - 1:35:36 PM
Banner by Trey Cox Graphics
Sit back and relax as I tell you the tale
Of a man whose great feats I for sure must regale
His folks called him Braun, born in North Carolina
Which he yelled as he burst from his mother’s vagina.
The doctors they ran. The nurses passed out.
His yell blew the power and caused a blackout.
His parents passed out, as if on anaesthesia.
His growl was so loud that he caused them amnesia.
Braun was quite large. Yes he grew up quite quick.
And his beard at age 5 was quite full and quite thick.
So he went off to school to read and to write.
But he didn’t fit in, which we now know in hindsight.
Too big for the swings; yes they broke when he sat
And the chairs shattered too, all splintered and flat
His friends were all scared and some also sickened
As Braun ate twelve potatoes and a rotisserie chicken
But he wanted more food, so he hunted a deer
And he washed it all down with a keg of cold beer.
Yes I know Braun was five and that’s totally wrong
But the story’s made up, so come on, play along.
High school football he played, which made lots of sense.
For the team needed someone to be on defense.
They went undefeated as their foes never scored
As they all ran away when Braun rumbled and roared.
The team was elated. They’d never been beaten.
But they weren’t happy long, as Braun still hadn’t eaten.
He first ate the mascot, that poor little horse.
Then the running backs next as his entrée of course.
He was getting quite bored, so he started to search
And he found something odd; a new kind of church
It was run by a man who suggested he try it.
The Eater of Worlds; his name was Bray Wyatt
He took in young Braun, made him one of their own
Perhaps he could be the next heir to the throne
The terror they spread was perhaps more than asked
As the bodies piled up when the Black Sheep unmasked.
The Wyatts were fearsome, but soon were disbanded
When Braun went to Raw, or the show that’s red-branded
All the fighters were worried, and most unprepared
Some soiled themselves because they were really scared.
He took out Sin Cara, the flying luchador
Beat him with his fists, and a chair, and a door
Sin Cara he tried to strike back like our Tito
But he just ended up like a Lucha burrito.
Who would stand up to this brute full of pain?
To challenge big Braun you must be quite insane.
You’ll get squashed and end up like a puddle or stain.
But a challenge he got, from one called Sami Zayn.
The crowd-favorite underdog stepped to the plate.
But Braun ripped out his bones, made him invertebrate
Sami fought back though and continued to fight
Which made Braun quite happy and full of delight.
He grabbed Sami’s arms, ripped them off at the sockets
Then ripped off his legs and stuffed them in his pockets
Then he tore of his head with his big, giant mitts
Then he patted his back just like Horowitz
With Sami destroyed Braun wanted attention
He upset Mick Foley, causing much hypertension
Braun beat up more people and caused much more harm
And somehow he did it while showing some charm
You see Braun was a villain, but was getting some cheers
Even though those that cheered him perhaps had some beers.
Still the praise was still present and could not be denied.
It was time for the Giant and Braun to collide.
The Big Show was big. You could tell by him name.
But Braun was big too; I’ve already proclaimed.
They clashed in the ring, these two mountains of men.
They punched and they kicked again and again.
Big Show had his shot; the big knockout blow
But Braun got back up, which was quite apropos.
He took out the Giant and left him for dead
Then he ate a whole turkey and a whole loaf of bread.
But Braun was still hungry, his stomach not sated.
He now looked towards a man that was much celebrated
They call him The Big Dog; his name Roman Reigns.
Yet Braun didn’t care, he’d just scramble his brains.
Reigns would defeat him, thus ending his streak
The fans were not happy in their weekly critique.
Braun would seek vengeance, seek some retribution
He’d shift all his organs into redistribution.
Reigns, he would pay, and pay dearly at that.
He attacked him backstage, causing Reigns to go splat.
With Reigns on a stretcher, Braun soon sent him flying
Then he flipped over the ambulance, not even trying.
The fans they were cheering this brutal assault
For they didn’t like Reigns, yes this was Vince’s fault.
Roman was hurt and the fans were elated.
But Braun was still hungry and quite irritated.
He beat up R-Truth and Goldust in a flash.
Then picked up Kalisto and dumped him in the trash.
But who would appear to fight Braun once more
It was the Giant, The Big Show who knocked Braun to the floor.
They fought once again, and the ground it did shake
As these two giant men caused a giant earthquake
Big Show climbed the ropes, in itself quite a thing
Then Braun suplexed him down and they both broke the ring.
The Big Show stayed down like a dead mastodon
But our hero got up, the unstoppable….
Now we don’t know what’s next for this man full of power.
He might eat some kids, or throw things for an hour.
He might beat Curt Hawkins, but that’s not that hard
But one thing’s for sure, this is now Strowman’s yard!
Braun is a beast with boundless potential
And a run with the title should be quite essential.
A Superstar blooming in front of our eyes.
Braun Strowman’s the man if I must summarize.
Until next time,