Chair Shots Presents: TOTAL NONSTOP #WTF
By Rob Simmons
Dec 15, 2016 - 10:52:24 PM
Banner by Steven F’N Bell
I…..I…..what in the blue hell did I just watch? Tonight, TNA Impact Wrestling came straight from the Hardy Family Compound in a show that went over the top, rolled back to the bottom, went back over the top, and then did that about three more times. And the top just happened to be the top of a freaking volcano on the compound. I wouldn’t say that the #BrokenHardys jumped the shark though. Perhaps they jumped it, landed on its back and road that bitch to Crazytown. If you didn’t get a chance to watch the show as it aired, you missed one of the most insane spectacles I’ve ever seen.
The show opened with a News Anchor telling us of Tag-Team Apocalypto, and the very real chance that Cameron, NC would cease to exist if the Hardys did not win. Reporter Betty Sue Fuentes was on sight, reporting live from the volcano, along with her special guest Itchweeed (with THREE E’S). And if you think that’s weird, it just got stranger from there.
The Hardys entered the Dome of Deletion where 50 of Broken Matt’s followers were in attendance. He told us that King Maxel would have his first match tonight, but before he could go further, Rockstar Spud interrupted. He told us that HE wanted to be Maxel’s opponent, so Matt made the match a NO DQ match. Let me just tell you, King Maxel is more over than half the WWE roster and Vince will probably be signing him as soon as possible and pushing him to face Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania. Maxel arrived in a remote controlled Mercedes Benz, followed by Reby Sky. Baby Hardy entered the ring and Senor Benjamin TASED, yes TASED Spud and Maxel pinned him for his first DELETION. Baby Hardy later tweeted out that he had to go on first so he didn’t miss his bedtime.
Backstage (I guess we can call it that), Disco Inferno was relieved that it didn’t have to be him.
As the Broken Hardys prepare for Apocalypto, the teams they’d be facing start arriving, including the Express that Rock and Roll, Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton. Yes, THAT Rock and Roll Express. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up.
Back in the Dome of Deletion, Sienna has the mic and she wants Rosemary, but she’s banned from the Hardy Compound for trying to kidnap King Maxel. She calls out anyone to wrestle her for the #1 Contender spot. Vanguard-1 comes out, but the referee says he’s NOT HUMAN, so he can’t wrestle. So instead, a returning ODB arrives, a full 2-minutes after her breasts do. She takes on Sienna in a pretty straightforward match before losing to Sienna’s Silencer. Vanguard-1 comes back out, and ODB rubs her boobs on the drone.
YES, ODB got MOTORBOATED by a drone. A freakin’ drone!
Next up, Itchweeed (with THREE E’S) has his first match against some dude named Chet Sterling. No idea who this dude was, but he was wearing a pink vest and light blue tie. Itchweeed (with THREE E’S) used a sleeper that not only put Sterling to sleep, but put himself to sleep as well. I guess he was tired. Itchie put Sterling through a table outside the ring before bringing him back in to drop the Pesticide Elbow (which is just a regular elbow drop) on Sterling for the DELETION. He then took his weed-whacker and proceeded to rip Sterling’s vest to shreds. I don’t know dude, I didn’t think the vest needed trimming.
Some recaps remind us that Matt Hardy has a zoo of animals that contain the spirits of famous dead people, including George Washington Giraffe and Smokin’ Joe Frazier Kangaroo. Just go with it.
It was now time for the TNA World Championship match between Eddie Edwards and Lashley. For a while, this was probably the first and most normal thing that occurred at Total Nonstop Deletion. Lashley and Edwards had a pretty decent match going, with some fans getting involved holding Lashley while Edwards went at him. Lashley then threw Edwards into the fans, who fell like a set of bowling pins. STRIKE! Then it got weird again……but seriously, what did I expect. Lashley speared Edwards through the wall of the Dome of Deletion, and the World Title match moved to the woods of Cameron, NC. Since they could fight all night (which we’ll get back to shortly), it was time for Tag-Team Apocalypto to start.
Basically, this was a “whatever happens happens” match, which started in the Dome of Deletion with the brilliance of the #BrokenHardys, the Helms Dynasty, the Express that Rock and Roll, and Decay. A loudspeaker told all civilians it was time to evacuate as Apocalypto was starting. Smoke filled the Dome. People scattered. Betty Sue Fuentes fled for her life. And the battle that crossed Space and Time began. The Hardys and the R&R Express grabbed fireworks and proceeded to shoot them off at Decay and the Helms Dynasty. The Dynasty fled for their vehicle, attempting to escape, but Broken Matt appeared in the flatbed as the truck pulled off.
As the truck drove away, Matt fought in the back. Brother Nero (and an official) followed on a dirt bike. The official wanted a helmet. There are no helmets in Apocalypto. Silly official. They battled to the highway, where heads met street signs. A random 18-wheeler drove by, probably wondering what in the blue hell was going on. Back at the compound, Decay killed someone. Actually, I think they had three confirmed kills tonight, as random tag-teams showed up at the Hardy Compound gate. One by one they entered, and one by one Decay killed them. They had names like the Ugly Ducklings and Showtime. Now they have names like Snapped Neck and Bashed-In Head. As Decay murdered people, the Bravado Brothers snuck past into the compound ready to fight.
The Hardys and The Dynasty fought to the train tracks as they made their way BACK to the Compound. Outside the gate, Rockstar Spud told Decay that his partner was coming and he was BIGGER than all of them…..and it was the former HORNSWOGGLE. Hah! Over with the Hardys, they made their way back to the Compound, near the Lake of Reincarnation. The Helms Dynasty claimed a near pinfall, but Skarsgard the Boat broke up the pin. The Helms Dynasty decided to beat up the boat for interfering. YES, they BEAT UP A BOAT! What the hell did Skarsgard ever do to them? Matt pushed Helms into the water, and he came out reincarnated as a member of 3-COUNT! He danced, and Lee and Everett joined him, but they were certainly no 3-COUNT; maybe 1.5-COUNT, 2 tops.
The Hardys moved to the Express that Rock and Roll for a Fantasy Match for the Ages….in this case the Old Ages. Oh yeah, Lashley and Edwards are still fighting in the woods….somewhere. As Matt and Robert fight on the mat, Brother Nero and Ricky are fighting high above the ring in cherry pickers, re-enacting the Night of the Skywalkers. Brother Nero leaps from the Cherry Picker with a Swanton Bomb, but misses entirely. Matt hits a Twist of Fate on Robert DELETING them from Apocalypto. They just left Ricky in the cherry picker. HE WAS PISSED!
Back in the dome, the Helms Dynasty are fighting the Bravados and the Helms Dynasty. Swoggle swings a chair, knocking out the Bravados allowing Spud to steal the pin. But it was a SWERVE, as Swoggle turned on Spud and the Helms Dynasty pinned him as Swoggle walked off.
Back to the World Title, Lashley and Edwards are in a bush.
Ricky Morton is in the dark on a cherry picker still. Someone get that man a beer! Road Warrior Animal appears below, laughing at Morton. So random!
The DCC show up for Apocalypto, but it appears James Storm showed up by himself, until about a dozen masked men walk out behind him. Decay destroy all of them and go face to face with Storm. Some random guy removes his mask, saying he’s DCC. James Storm asks him who the hell he is. Decay kill him for the pinfall. Storm was like “What? I don’t even know the guy.” But he’s out and so is Storm. Without ever throwing a punch, James Storm was out. Now, the remaining tag-teams, as well as Edwards and Lashley, are fighting near the active volcano.
GOOD GOD, THE VOLCANO EXPLODED!
So yeah, in a wrestling column I just typed THE VOLCANO EXPLODED. People are in danger. We need…..we need a SUPERHERO! Our prayers are answered, as The Hurricane arrives to save the day. With the Helms Dynasty, Decay and the Broken Hardys left, Abyss turns to his favorite woman, Janice. But out of nowhere, Vanguard-1 reappears, and Abyss and the drone engage in a fireworks battle.
Matt is being beaten down by the Everett and Lee, but our hero comes to the rescue, as The Hurricane turned on his own stable, allowing Broken Matt to DELETE them. With shovels in hand, they literally BURY Everett and Lee, as Matt laughs that even the Man with Three H’s would appreciate the burying of young, promising talent. Oh yeah, Vanguard-1 just shot fireworks to the ground, setting the Hardy logo ablaze below, and we’re in a LITERAL Inferno Match.
Decay and the Broken Hardys fight through the flames as Matt and Abyss make their way back to the outside ring. Matt gets a hold of Janice, driving her into the gut of Abyss. Brother Nero and Crazzy Steve fight near the volcano, and Nero hits a Twist of Fate on Steve sending him INTO the volcano. The ground rumbles, flames shoot out of the ground, and Crazzy Steve is sent flying through the air, shot out of the volcano like a bullet. Still smoldering, he lands in the ring as Broken Matt scores the FINAL DELETION.
The Broken Hardys proclaim themselves the Best Tag-Team of Space and Time. Matt, Brother Nero, King Maxel, Senor Benjamin, Reby Sky and Vanguard-1 celebrate their victory as Reby informs Matt that the Broken Hardys will soon be one more, as Queen Rebecca is indeed pregnant with child.
Oh yeah, Eddie Edwards and Lashley are still fighting in the woods somewhere, or in a bush, or the lake, maybe in a tree. We don’t really know, but they’re still out there…..I think.
So yeah, that was one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen. Words kind of don’t do it justice, but I tried. What did you think dear readers? Hit me up with your thoughts on #TOTALNONSTOPDELETION in the comments below, or on Twitter. Just click the button below if you haven’t already.
If you didn’t like the column, well……DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!! Thanks for reading folks!
Until next Deletion,
Broken Rob Out!
Dental Curing Light