Chair Shots Presents: A WWE "Toy Story"
Feb 25, 2014 - 1:31:27 PM
“Mommy, my toy is broken! “
“Why is your toy broken sweetie?”
“Well, I’ve only been playing with it for a little while and now it won’t do anything. It just stopped. I mean you just got it for me. Why won’t it work?”
“I don’t know buddy, but we’ve got to go to Gramma’s now, so put your toys down and put your coat on.”
As young Vincey and his mother leave the house, a stir starts to occur on the bedroom floor. The toys, in all their various shapes and sizes, come to life, cautiously approaching their new member left lying on the floor.
The new toy looks around suspiciously, and attempts to get up, wheezing heavily from the 5 minutes of play with his new owner.
“Um, hey there, welcome to Vincey’s room,” said a rubber fish, flopping towards his new friend. “My name’s Dolph. I don’t get played with much lately, but I’m sort of the unofficial greeter of the group.”
“I’m Batista. I’m a wrestler.”
“Really? Looks like Vincey wore you out quite a bit back there. Have you done a lot of wrestling lately?”
“No, I’ve been sitting in a box for the last few years waiting for something to do.”
“You mean Randy? I haven’t seen you there.”
“Randy? What are you talking about?”
“Oh, never mind, you’ll meet him later. Let me introduce you to some of the guys.”
Dolph the Floppy Fish took his new, out of shape friend around the bedroom, introducing him to his new family.
“Hey, I’m Punkasaurus Rex, the Best Dinosaur in the Woooooorrrrlllddd! I know you. I saw you at the last family that I lived with. What, now you’re here to take up my play time? I don’t think so buddy. I’m the best toy here and if Vincey thinks he’s going to bring in some outsider to take my playtime away he’s got another thing coming. AJ, let’s go!”
From across the room, a black and pink ball bounced towards Batista, who had to backtrack to get out of its way. It bounded hard towards Punkasaurus Rex, who had trouble grabbing it with his little dinosaur hands, and almost knocked him over.
“We’re going home!”
“Wait, you are home,” said Floppy Dolph. “Oh well, he’ll come back. He always does. Let me introduce you to….”
“Hello there Citizen! My name is Captain Indestructible! I have super strength, the ability to win every battle, and the power of invisibility. Here, let me show you. Look, you can’t see me!”
“I can see you,” said Batista.
“No you can’t,” said the Captain, waving his hands in front of his face. “See, you can’t see me!”
“I can still see you,” Batista retorted.
“No matter, I’m hungry. To the cereal drawer……and beyond!”
From behind the puppet theater, music starts to play.
“Arriba up, Abajo down. Abre open, cierra close. I speak Spanish and English too. I like them both. How about youuuuuuuu.”
A football headed Spanish girls comes out in Barbie’s dream car, driven by a small squirrel named Tico.
“Ola, my name……..is Dora the Explorer. But you already knew that. Who is this cabeza de mierda that thinks they can come into my toy box and take up my play time? Look at him. He looks like a 3-year old colored all over his back with crayons. If you want to make it here you’re going to have to go through the Rumbley Forest, past the Licorice Chamber, and then you can get to be the top toy here. But I don’t think you can do that. Perro!
With that, Dora began to beat Batista about the back with her backpack, knocking him to the ground. She grabbed his semi-articulated forearm and began to bend it backwards, trying to snap the screw from the elbow joint.
“Hey, Hey…..chill out Dora. Go over there and Bate, Bate, Chocolate or something. That’s no way to treat a new friend,” said Floppy Dolph, still trying to maintain the peace. It was however, becoming apparent that this new toy was not being well received in the play room.
“Hey, what’s in there?” asked Batista, pointing towards a closet in the corner.
“Oh, we don’t go in there. That’s where the Undie Taker lives. We just stay out of his way. But you can’t imagine how many pairs of Vincey’s underwear he’s taken. I think we’re over 20 at this point, and nobody has ever been able to stop him. I mean what do you need with 20 pairs of underwear? Anyway, he’s been around here a lot longer than most of us, so we just let him be.”
From the corner of his eye, Batista notices something flying down at him from high atop the bedspread. What the hell is that?
“Bleat, Bleat, Bleat! “
“Oh hey, Batista this is Bleating Bryan. He’s Vincey’s flying goat toy.”
“Yeah, nice to meet you too.”
“Yeah, I’m planning on staying around for a while. You got a problem with that.”
“BLEAT! BLEAT! BLEAT! BLEAT!” chanted Bryan, pointing his horns up and down in the air.
From out of nowhere, Bleating Bryan charged Batista, ramming his head straight into his perfectly formed plastic midsection.
“Hey, you scuffed the paint from my belly button tattoo.”
“Dude, what guy has a belly button tattoo?” asked Floppy Dolph.
Bleating Bryan runs frantically in circles around the play room, his horns continuing to go up and down while he BLEATED vigorously.”
“Hey, you asked me earlier if I hung out with Randy. Who’s Randy?”
“Oh, that’s Randy over there.”
“That’s just a cardboard box.”
“Right. Hey Randy, say hi to the new guy!”
The box opened its flaps and greeted Batista.
“He doesn’t have much of a personality does he?” asked Batista.
“Well what do you expect, he’s a box. “
As they continued their tour, Floppy Dolph and Batista came upon a very large, very flat stuffed bear.
“Hey, I’m Paul the Pillow Pet. Nice to meet you!”
“Why in the name of Fisher-Price are you so flat?”
“Well, Vincey uses me to sleep on, and I’ve been turned a lot. One day he sleeps on one side of me, the next day he turns me over. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe if he’s sleeping on my back, but at least I get to stay on the bed most of the time.”
“Man, this place is very strange. I don’t know if I……”
“Did someone say strange?”
Behind Batista stood a rather worn out looking Gold Power Ranger figure. He barked into the wrestling figure’s ear.
“My name’s Goldie. I was popular back in the day when my other Rangers were hot, but Vincey has started to play with me again. The other toys think I’m kind of……..different. Maybe it’s because I was shoved into the bottom of the toy box for so long. It’s very hard being on the bottom. I was underneath the Lite Brite and the doctor’s kit for the longest time, but I fought my way up, and now I’m back!”
From downstairs, little Vincey and his mom have returned from their visit to Gramma’s.
“Hey Mom, I’ve going to go upstairs and play for a while OK.”
The toys, seeing that their owner was coming back, fell to the ground where they stood. Well, all except for Floppy Dolph, who just kind of flopped around some more.
“Maybe I should try to play with Batista some more and see if he works any better.”
Young Vincey picked up his new wrestling figure and looked intently at his toy.
“Nah, I’ll play with my other toys instead.”
Until next story time boys and girls,
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