Chair Shots Presents: A TripleR Mystery- The Search for Yoshi Tatsu
Jan 22, 2013 - 10:46:37 AM
The winter moon hung low this chilly January evening. The wind whipped the snow over the empty streets below my office. The streets outside, normally noisy with crazies and hookers, were abnormally quiet. That’s never a good sign in my business. It normally means bad things are on the horizon, and the last thing I was in the mood for was trouble.
My name’s TripleR, and I’m a private detective. I’ve been in this business a long time, long enough to see my share of debauchery and bloodshed, but as of late, it’s been knocking on my door a lot more frequently. Over the last two years, the majority of my cases have been centered on the world of professional wrestling. I didn’t know that the business was nuttier than the guy with Tourettes that lives in the alley. I’ve worked several cases, but all I’ve gotten out of it are blood stains on my carpet that are starting to look like a Rorschach test. So I knew that as soon as my door opened, I was going to be knee dip in it once again.
“Mr. TripleR, I have job for you. Please help to find missing compatriot. I will be forever grateful.”
Her name was Aksana, and what she lacked in correct grammar, she made up for in breasts. I half expected her to ask me for help with Moose and Squirrel, a thought that made me chuckle just a little bit. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that dames are nothing but trouble. It’s a rule, look it up.
“So tell me Natash…Aksana, who are you looking for, and why do you think foul play is involved?”
“His name is Yoshi Tatsu…”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. “
I chuckled again.
“He is a wrestler with WWE, but he has not been seen for many weeks. We are afraid something bad has happened to him. You have worked for WWE before, so could you please help find our lost comrade? ”
I didn’t need to ask why they sent her to ask for my help. Aksana batted her eyes at me as she slinked closer to my desk. I was about to get knee deep in shit again, but not before I get deep into something else. I locked the door and flipped the sign from “open” to “closed”. After getting screwed out of payment before, I learned to get a little down payment up front.
I made my way to Sacramento, the site of this week’s Smackdown event to see what I could uncover about Yoshi Tatsu’s disappearance. On the flight I had done some background checking, and it seemed as though he was a pretty stand up guy. He’d been with the WWE since 2007, worked in development for a while, and eventually made the main roster. However in the past few months, he’s rarely been seen, and people were starting to get worried. This wasn’t the first time a wrestler had disappeared, but not since Evan Bourne had kidnapped Brodus Clay had there been this kind of trouble. I knew I was going to have to do some digging, and in the WWE you certainly needed a big shovel.
After five unsuccessful attempts to get a hold of Smackdown’s GM Booker T., I was directed to his assistant Teddy Long. He was going to meet me at the arena so I could get full access to the WWE locker room. I popped a Xanax and made my way to the backstage area where he said he’d meet me.
“Hi playah. Welcome to Smackdown. We’re glad you’re going to help us find Yoshi Tatsu, but I thought you might need some assistance, so I decided to team you up with someone who can help you in your investigation. Tonight, TripleR will team up with none other than…..The Miz.”
Great, I knew this moron from other cases I had worked on. Apparently people liked him now. I didn’t.
“Really? Really? Really? I have to work with this guy? The last time he slapped me around and flipped me backwards over a chair. I refuse to work with this….degenerate. I don’t work with trash, because I’m The Miz, and I’m Awe…….”
Before he could finish his stupid catchphrase, I pulled out my piece and clubbed him in the head with it. Now you’re awesomely unconscious.
“With all due respect Mr. Long, I work alone.”
The first person Teddy directed me to was a guy by the name of Tensai. He apparently worked in Japan for a number of years, and was one of the last people to step in the ring with Tatsu. I knocked on the door and heard a gruff American voice, not what I was expecting.
“What do you want?”
“My name’s TripleR and I’m a detective. I was hired to look for a missing wrestler by the name of. I’m sorry, I’ve got to ask, what are all those markings on your face? Did some kid draw on your face while you were asleep, because they look ridiculous?”
I probably shouldn’t have asked that.
“Anyway, I’m looking for Yoshi Tatsu. You were one of the last people in the ring with him, and now he’s gone missing. What can you tell me about his disappearance?”
“Look, I don’t know anything about Short Round going missing.”
Well that was racist.
“I come in, I do the job, I mean my job, and I go home. That’s all I do. That’s all they really let me do anyway. I mean I came all the way from Japan for this. I was successful over there. I was somebody. Now look at me, a glorified jobber. I don’t deserve this.”
The big man was openly weeping. This was embarrassing. I handed him a tissue.
“Um, here, your mascara is running.”
Tensai growled at me, and I quickly beat feet out the door, onto my next interview.
The next person I went to see teamed up with Yoshi for some time, a guy by the name of Santino Marella. Hopefully I’d get somewhere, because right now I was just running into brick walls, one of which had finger paint on his face.
“Mr. Marella, my name is TripleR, and I’m hoping you can help me locate a former partner of yours, Yoshi Tatsu.”
“It is a delight to meet you Mr. the TripleR. Yes, I once did the tag team with Yoshi Tatsi. We had a team called Santoshi, but that was many, many months ago. We had a bit of a disagreement about our name, but like they say, if you lead a horse to water, he might need shampoo for a bath.”
I had no idea what this idiot was saying, but one thing I did know is that he was too stupid to have had anything to do with Tatsu’s disappearance. As I was walking out the door though, he led me to my next destination.
“Mr. the TripleR, if I were you I’d go talk to Team Hell to the No. Something about them is very fishy to me if you smell what Santino’s cooking on his stove.”
Well, at least the WWE can say they’re sympathetic to hiring the handicapped. I was on my way to my next stop, Kane and Daniel Bryan. I was getting nowhere fast, and if I didn’t get a break soon Yoshi Tatsu might never be found.
As I approached their locker room, I could hear arguing going on inside. From what I heard about these two, that was pretty much the norm. I cautiously opened the door.
“NO! No, I will not shave my beard.”
“People are going to keep calling you Goat Face if you don’t. I don’t want people to start calling us Team Hell Goat.”
Now that he mentioned it, Daniel Bryan did kind of look like a goat. I wish I had some tin cans with me. He might be hungry.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” They both turned and yelled at me in unison.
“I’m investigating the disappearance of Yoshi Tatsu. I was told you two might have some information for me.”
“I don’t know anything about Yoshi being missing. I’m really tired of people thinking whenever something goes wrong that I’m to blame. I mean sure, I might have burned down a house or two, and set people on fire, and choke slammed people through the ring, and…..anyway, that’s all in the past. I’m reformed. Ask Daniel, he’ll tell you.”
As I turned to Daniel Goat Face, I noticed that he had started sweating profusely, a tell-tale sign of someone with something to hide. He was also fidgeting with his beard. It was time to turn up the heat a little.
“Mr. Bryan, you seem awfully nervous. Is there something you want to tell me?”
“NO, NO, NO! I’m innocent I tell you. I worked years to get where I am today. And I’m finally successful. I’m not going to let anybody accuse me of anything. Do you hear me?”
“Help me. Help me.”
Was I hearing things? I could have sworn….
There it was again. It sounded like it was coming from…….the beard. Before I could do anything, Bryan pushed me into the lockers and darted out the door. I quickly followed after him, but the little guy was too quick. I was going to have to get creative. Just then Hornswoggle came around the corner. I grabbed him by his belt and threw him across the floor, taking Daniel Bryan’s feet out from under him. I pounced on top of him before he had a chance to get back up.
“Now Mr. Bryan, let’s see what you’re hiding.”
I reached into his beard, which was much deeper than I had imagined. I was startled when a hand grabbed onto mine. I motioned Kane over to assist me as we pulled as hard as we could. From inside the scruff hanging from Bryan’s chin came the missing WWE Superstar, Yoshi Tatsu. I’ve seen a lot in this business, but this was a first. As I started to check on Yoshi, another hand grabbed onto mine. We pulled again. Out came a large black man, who I was told was Ezekiel Jackson. I fished back inside the beard, rescuing several other superstars- Alex Riley, Mason Ryan, Johnny Curtis, and the British Bulldog’s old mascot Matilda. We also found Ted Dibiase, but for some reason he didn’t want to come out, so we left him there. My head was reeling. Had this really just happened? As the police came to take Daniel Bryan away, I had to ask him why?
“The less people here, the more airtime I get. I worked too hard to get here. I wrestled for peanuts in gymnasiums for 50 drunken people for years. I made the big time and there was no way it was going to get taken from me. NO! NO! NO!”
Bryan continued screaming as they took him away. I had a feeling he was going to be locked up for a long time. I was relieved as I watched the missing WWE Superstars reunite with their friends. For a change I didn’t have to shoot anybody, and my carpet didn’t have any more blood stains on it.
TWO MONTHS LATER
I sat in my beer stained chair looking out the window as I opened my mail. I was pleasantly surprised to see a check from the WWE. I had finally gotten paid for a change. I had been watching Raw and Smackdown since the last case, and while I had saved several WWE Superstars, I still hadn’t seen them on television. I was hoping more foul play wasn’t involved, but if there’s one thing I learned about the WWE, it’s that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Oh, and that dames are nothing but trouble. It’s a rule, look it up.
Special thanks to The Southern One (Trey Cox) for the new column banners created for me. You’ll see a couple of others in the next few weeks. If you need any graphics work down, reach out to Trey at the information below.
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