Posted in: The Eyes of a Monkey The Eyes of a Blog: Day 85 - Day 91 (Skip Rogers Week)
By Skip Rogers
Oct 25, 2009 - 4:00:36 PM
Day 85
DX are so childish right? A couple of grown men walking around talking about dicks and making inappropriate jokes. Just further proof that wrestling really isn't what it used to be. At least that's how people who don't look closely enough at the things that have been presented to them. Wrestling has always been about dick jokes, it's just in the older days the fans choose to ignore it. DX just went about making it a little more obvious. Now though DX is just a watered down version of themselves and should hardly even be considered anything above kid friendly fart jokes.
What if we could find away to mesh a vulgar to the point DX with the subtle dick jokes of yesteryear? Only in a perfect world, then again that's exactly where I live.
The CAST
"Dirty" Dick Slater as the HHH role
Dick Murdoch aka the Invader as the HBK role
"Killer" Karl Kox as "The Dicks" number 1 enemy.
Randy Savage as "Dick Savage"
Special Appearance by Booker T
SKIPPER NOTE: Look at those names there, not a single one of them is made up. Well Dick Savage is but that's more of a WWE dropping the ball then me taking liberties with the truth. Now instead of being the guy with the cool dick name he's a former champion shunned by the WWE and rumored to have banged the boss's daughter (not in a Triple H way more in a Roman Polanski way). How about that Karl Kox though? That's a racist innuendo and a dick joke all tied into one. I bet a guy with the intitials "K.K.K." was super over in the Southern Territories (lol Southern Territories, another dick joke).
One Big Dick Joke
"Dirty" Dick Slater: Are you ready? I said are you ready? Then for the thousands in attendance and for the millions sitting at home watching on t.v. LETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT'S GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYY FOR FELLATIO!!!!!!!!
Dick Murdoch: That's right all y'all cunt tree fried redneck pieces of shit, we are the "Dicks" and if you aren't down with that then I have some choice words for you
In unison, the crowd yells "SUCK MY COCK" upholding the tradition of blurting out the Dicks catchphrase.
"Dirty" Dick Slater: If I can be serious for a minute though, me and my partner are tired of beating around the bush. Instead we are here to get to the point, the hard facts as to why we are here tonight. Last week something happened that under no circumstance do I condone. "Killer" Karl Kox came out here and had the nerve to spit in one of our fan's face.
Dick Murdoch: Kox, you sick motherfucker listen up. What you did to her last week was deplorable. When Kox spit in her face he spit in the face of every sister and mother of every fan here. Kox, I suggest you bring your ass out here and you do it now.
After a few second Kox's music hits the PA speakers
"Killer" Karl Kox: Well if it isn't my favorite two pussies in the world, the Dicks.
"Dirty" Dick Slater: Pussies? Pussies don't have the balls to do the things that the Dicks do.
"Killer" Karl Kox: Oh is that right now?
Dick Murdoch: Damn straight it's right. It's assholes like you that come out here trying to give us shit that gives us a bad name. We are the Dicks, and any shit you give to us we are going to end up smearing right across your face.
"Killer" Karl Kox: So now I'm an asshole? I guess I'm an asshole for coming out here and doing what I did to that girl last week. Well I did it for her own good. She claims to love the Dicks but there is no room for Karl Kox? I simply tried to tell her that the Dicks won't do anything but leave an empty hole after they are done using her. Karl Kox isn't like that. When you let Kox in, you'll never have that empty feeling again.
"Dirty" Dick Slater: Are you kidding me? The Dicks take care of their fans, especially our female ones.
Dick Murdoch: Kox, I suggest you tuck tail and run away right now because you are starting to make me a little angry, and you won't like me when I'm angry. I tend to explode when I get hot and maybe I'll explode and spit right in your face like you did our fan.
"Killer" Karl Kox: I'd love to see you try.
"Dirty" Dick Slater: Believe me Kox, the Dicks aren't above pounding an asshole like you.
Dick Murdoch: Maybe you shouldn't be so worried about the two Dicks in your face Kox. Maybe you need to concern yourself with the Dick behind you.
Just as Karl Kox turns around Dick Savage attacks him with a chair busting him open and laying him out cold.
Dick Murdoch: That's the thing about us Dicks we have a habit of coming in your backdoor if you aren't careful. Who knows the mess we'll leave when that happens. So allow me to introduce our newest member. The biggest, baddest, Dick of them all. Dick Savage.
Dick Savage: Now can you dig that......SUCKA!
Booker T: Tell me he did not just say that.
Day 86
Sick? What ever do you mean? I guess one person's definition of sick could defer from another person's. People often tell me "dude, you're sick" and all I can think is that I feel fine. Maybe the illness in which they refer to is one that resides on the inside though, not only that is simply detected by a thermometer. Guess there isn't enough chicken soup in the world to cure the sickness I have. I take solace in knowing that I'm not the only one out there though.
So Sick of Being Sick
Dana White: Hello.
Brock Lesnar: Hey Dana it's Brock.
Dana White: Oh hey Brock, you know it's funny you called right now.
Brock Lesnar: Why's that?
Dana White: I was just sitting here watching A Christmas Story.
Brock Lesnar: I don't get it. Why is that funny?
Dana White: You know, "A Christmas Story." Little Ralphie....."You'll shoot your eye out."
Brock Lesnar: Yeah, I know the movie I'm just failing to see the humor.
Dana White: Didn't I ever tell you the story?
Brock Lesnar: What story?
Dana White: About when I first heard about you and your interest in MMA.
Brock Lesnar: No. You never told me any story that had to do with me and "A Christmas Story."
Dana White: Well you remember the movie right?
Brock Lesnar: Yeah sure. I've seen it about 100 times throughout the years.
Dana White: So you remember the scene where Ralphie snaps and beats up the little freckled bully?
Brock Lesnar: Yeah, so?
Dana White: Well when we first signed you I joked that you were the bully from "A Christmas Story" all grown up and pissed off about the beating Ralphie gave you.
Brock Lesnar: ...
Dana White: You sure I never told you that story?
Brock Lesnar: Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure you never told me that story.
AND NOW A LIFE LESSON FROM JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
I've traveled up and down these roads for years and if there is one thing I've learned it's don't fuck with guys that are huge. I remember one time in particular that this guy came by to sell me some Coke and I tried to screw him out of some money using the old "twenty dollar bill wrapped up with a bunch of one dollar bills" trick. Guess I was too out of it to realize he was going to count his money right then and there. Needless to say that ass beating I caught that night was perhaps one of the worst of my life. Even had the miss the show that night.
Same thing played out about a year later, different guy this time though. I was prepared for it though and things went a little differently. I knew there was no way I could take this guy down so I did the only thing I could think of. I sucked the guy off, no way was I not scoring that coke. After he finished he gave me the goods, I did my thing and I must say I wrestled a hell of a match that night. The best thing though was the lesson I learned in the process.
Dana White: So Brock why exactly are you calling?
Brock Lesnar: Well I got a little bit of bad news. I'm not going to be able to fight in November.
Dana White: Wow, that's pretty huge. I got to ask why Brock?
Brock Lesnar: I'm sick Dana.
Dana White: You're sick? You do realize the event is almost a month away?
Brock Lesnar: Yeah, but this isn't something that is going away anytime soon.
Dana White: Brock, you got to tell me what is going on. I can't go to the press with this. The fans deserve to know why you won't be fighting as advertised. I deserve to know too.
Brock Lesnar: I told you I'm sick.
Dana White: That's not enough Brock, you better have something a little better than that for canceling this fight.
Brock Lesnar: Fine. I got pink eye.
Dana White: Pink eye? So fucking what?
PINK EYE AS DEFINED BY URBAN DICTIONARY
1.) An acute and contagious infection that causes inflammation of the surface of the eye, acute contagious conjunctivitis.
You should stay home on the first day you have pink eye to prevent it from spreading.
2.) Pink Eye is when a guy Nuts all over a bitches face and it gets into her eye causing irritation and a pink color to appear.
Dude! I just gave this bitch pink eye!
3.) When someone farts in your face, causing poo particles to enter the eye, making it go pink.
Josh got pink eye when Shelly farted on his face as a joke.
4.) Female version of tea bagging
He just got pink eyed!
5.) According to a Marine DI, pink eye is caused by "direct ballsack to eye contact".
Recruit: Sir, this recruit has pink eye and needs to see the corpmans
DI: Really? You know how you get pink eye? Direct ballsack to eye contact.
6.) Giving someone the stare down, to let them know you are hot for their junk; the opposite of the stink eye.
Lindsay: O shit, that guy is fine
Meaghan: Give him the pink eye
*pink eye*
Guy: Well, hello ladies
Lindsay & Meaghan: WHOOOOOOOA!
7.) (n). the vagina; the gash; the slit; the clam "in some cases the bearded clam"; cooter; the happy hole; etc
(n). the vagina; the gash; the slit; the clam "in some cases the bearded clam"; cooter; the happy hole; etc
Brock Lesnar: It's pretty bad Dana. My eye is swollen shut and it's been like this for weeks. I look like Rocky at the end of Rocky II.
Dana White: How did this even happen?
Brock Lesnar: Well I was eating my wife's asshole and she was getting really into it. She was "winking" at me and everything but I guess she got a little too relaxed and she farted in my face. Didn't really notice any problems until the next day, I guess a small piece of her shit must have flown into my eye.
Dana White: Jesus Christ Brock, can't you just get some ointment or drops; whatever they use for that crap.
Brock Lesnar: Well I'm an old school farm boy so I'm more into home remedies. So I had heard that urine is a good cure for many things.
Dana White: No, you didn't?
Brock Lesnar: So I had Rena piss in my eye hoping it would help, but it didn't.
Dana White: Well no shit.
Brock Lesnar: It was started to get a little better but then I had another accident.
Dana White: What kind of accident?
Brock Lesnar: Well I was banging Rena while drinking some Coors Light and it had been awhile since we had seen each other.
Dana White: So? It had been awhile since you seen her, I don't follow.
Brock Lesnar: Let's just say I had a little bit of built up frustration. You know a little bit of "built up frustration".
Dana White: I got you. How does that relate to the pink eye though?
Brock Lesnar: Well, when I pulled out to blow my load that thing shot like a canyon blast. Ended up shooting jizz into my own face. More specifically the same eye that already had bad pink eye.
Dana White: Brock, you are a sick man.
Brock Lesnar: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Day 87
In some sort of twisted way you need me. I don't know if it's that I fill some sort of sick void inside your life, or maybe you like to live vicariously through me. Maybe that's why Skip exists, to put into writing things you were thinking but felt like something was wrong with you for admitting. Thus you suppressed those feelings, but they can't stay buried. They never do.
Somewhere in the madness often lies a point, a greater message but that is why I need you. While you may need me to vent those dark things in your mind, I need you in order for me to be relevant. After all, what is the point of having a teacher deliver a lecture to an empty classroom.
If I Could Change the World
The Hart family became such a tragic wrestling family, and it happened so incredibly fast that it was hard to take in. What if things could have been different though? What if the Harts found away to avoid their cursed finale? What if wrestling, wasn't the family business....
Today should be the day I've been waiting for. There is no way that dad can deny all the years of hard work I've put in and surely he'll reward me by turning over the business to me. I'm going to be a big star and everybody knows it, I can't wait..
Bret Hart: Hey dad, today is the big day right? Time to hang it up and finally take a well deserved break.
Stu Hart: Yeah I suppose you are right Bret. By the time the day is over, I'll have worked my last day.
Christ. Why won't Bret leave me alone. The kid means well but quite frankly he sucks donkey dick. I know he is only bugging me because he wants me leave him the family business but he's crazy if he thinks I can let him run this company.
Bret Hart: So dad, you make your decision about who you are leaving the company too?
Here we go.
Stu Hart: Yes I have son, and I'll let everybody know when the time is right.
When the time is right? You better leave this god forsaken business to me or I swear I will beat your old ass to death.
Bret Hart: I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Bret's rival Sean Michaelson enters the building
Sean Michaelson: Hey guys how's it going? I'm not interrupting anything am I?
Bret Hart: Well if it ain't the "Shake N Bake" kid himself. Kind of a "crumby" way to run a business don't you think.
Sean Michaelson: That's funny, never heard that one before.
He thinks he hates me now, wait until he finds out that the old man is leaving the Chicken business to me.
Stu Hart: Boys, boys break it up. I refuse to let two employees fight on my last day.
Bret Hart: Employees? As in plural? Since when did this guy work here.
Sean Michaelson: Since I became your boss.
Bret Hart: Boss? Dad, what the hell is he talking about?
Stu Hart: Damn it Sean, I was waiting to tell him.
Fuck it, takes a little bit of the heat out of my kitchen. Jeez, I've been around Bret too long. Now I'm making puns in my own head.
Bret Hart: Waiting to tell me what dad?
Stu Hart: That I've hired Sean to take my place as the boss of the family business.
Bret Hart: Are you crazy?
Stu Hart: Bret listen: Cooking chicken has been this family's business for years. People come to associate the Hart name to chicken, it's what we are known for. When selecting a boss though I needed to look at all the top candidates.
Bret Hart: So you picked a guy who doesn't even fry his chicken? He uses some sort of processed flavoring. Where is the passion in that?
Sean Michaelson: You might not like the way I do things but the fact of the matter is I put asses in those seat. Every night you look out from the kitchen you'll see a packed house in my restaurant. When is the last time your chicken sold anything out Bret? Face it you are old news and even your dad can see that.
That ought to crush that little pink pant wearing fairy.
Bret Hart: You can't take short cuts when it comes to making chicken. You have to tell a story with your actions, you have to be passionate. You don't even care about making chicken you just are in it for the fame that comes with it.
Stu Hart: Bret, maybe it's best that you hear this from me. The chicken business involves a lot of different aspects and parts. You are a breast man. Nobody can dress a breast like you.
Bret Hart: You know it. I'm the breast there is, the breast there was, and the breast there ever will be.
Stu Hart: That may be Bret but what else do you excel at? The same can be said about your brother Owen. He's a great nugget guy...
Owen Hart: I'm not a nugget!
Stu Hart: There's nothing wrong with being a nugget. Nuggets are small and under appreciated but in all reality pack quite a punch and are one of the better pieces.
Owen Hart: Oh. Thanks dad, I'm going to go finish tarring the roof now.
Stu Hart: Have fun.
Tarring the roof? That sounds dangerous. Should I stop him? Nah, he's a big boy he can handle himself
Bret Hart: What's this got to do with Sean dad?
Stu Hart: Sean is the total package. He doesn't just excel at one aspect of making chicken, he excels at them all. Most of all he brings in business.
Bret Hart: What if I could come in tomorrow with a recipe that will blow you away?
Stu Hart: Bret today is my last day.
Sean Michaelson: Face the music Bret, you lost.
Bret Hart: Come on dad it's just one more day. If you aren't floored by my recipe I'll respect your decision and follow Sean's orders from here on out.
Sean Michaelson: With all due respect this isn't Billy Madison.
I'm really going to regret this but I need to shut this kid up.
Stu Hart: Fine Bret you show up tomorrow with this killer recipe and if it's as good as you say the business is yours.
This family is whacked out of their minds
Sean Michaelson: If that's the way you want it then I guess I have to respect your decision.
Bret Hart: Don't worry dad, I assure you that my recipe will be KILLER, indeed.
If only he knew just how killer it will be. I get the feeling that Sean might be a little late to work tomorrow.
THE NEXT DAY
Jesus where is everybody, they make me come in early on the day I after I retired and nobody even shows up.
Bret Hart: Dad, dad sorry I'm late but I finished my recipe and made a batch of chicken for you to try.
This kid just won't quit.
Stu Hart: Can't wait to taste it.
Oh my God. This is the best chicken I've ever tasted in my life. It's so good I feel like I want to dig the remains of it out of my shit so I can enjoy it's lustful taste a second time.
Stu Hart: Bret, this is the best chicken I've ever tasted in my life.
Bret Hart: So do I have the job? Am I going to be the one carrying the torch for the family business?
Stu Hart: Well considering Sean is a no show and Owen is dead, I reckon it's a no brainer.
Bret Hart: Woah, wait. Owen is dead?
Stu Hart: Yeah fell off the roof when he was tarring it. Guess you were too busy worrying about yourself and your career to keep an eye on him. At least God blessed me with so many kids that I'm not remorseful about it.
Bret Hart: Yeah that does suck, guess I'll have to start hanging out with Keith more now.
Stu Hart: So Bret, now that the job is yours why don't you tell me what is in your recipe?
Bret Hart: Well dad, I'd love to show you, but then I'd have to kill you.
AND NOW ANOTHER LIFE LESSON FROM JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
It's funny how things work. I remember one day this guy burned me on a drug deal and shorted me on some merchandise. Long story short I started to hate the guy and told promoters that I refused to work with him anymore. Over time my bookings became less and less frequent and I started to get frustrated with the business. Finally I asked one of the promoters why wasn't I getting work and they told me because I didn't want to work with the guy who burned me on the drug deal. They said that everybody felt that together we put on the best matches.
That's the strange things about enemies. As much as you may hate them, sometimes the only way to succeed is by relying on them. Even if it means using their severed body parts in a chicken recipe. In short, don't fuck me when it comes to my drugs.
Day 88
In October of 2003 Randy Savage released his debut album as a rap artist entitled "Be a Man." The album was poorly received and mainly viewed as more of a novelty item than anything else. Savage felt his talents were under appreciated and that people had trouble seeing past his wrestling persona. He figured his music career to be long over until a chance encounter introduced him to a ma that went by the name of Producer X.
X explained to him that on his album "Be a Man" if often times felt like Randy was holding back. Perhaps rather than water down his content he should go for broke and speak his mind unfiltered. Savage, after some convincing decided to give music one more shot with the musical expertise of Producer X by his side.
In October of 2009 Randy Savage would enter a studio one more time to record the follow up to 2003's "Be a Man." The effort has tentatively been titled "Savage Knows Better." A play on words and a direct reference to the Hulk Hogan show "Hogan Knows Best." The first test to see if this new found friendship and business relationship would work was a freestyle by Savage to clear his mind of any topic he wished. No hooks or fancy effects, just pure unadulterated Randy Savage. The following is the result of that session.
Savage Beats Inc.
Hunter I'm sorry, but it's got to be said....
You're like the second coming
But it's me who came first
Popped on the scene
With one big burst
When I came on first
I came in spurts
She loved me so much
So much it hurts
You ever hit it just right?
Hit it till she squirts?
I hit it till she bled
As if she was giving birth
If Vince knew how many holes I dug
I'd be napping in dirt
Took candy from his baby
treated the trick to savage girth
I ruled her world call me Sid Vicious
Sucked my dick while doing my dishes
Fuck her with you on the phone, never suspicious
I'd lay a lady but I straight fuck stupid bitches
I fucked her ass like those fags that obey your wishes
Miss Elizabeth was there rubbing one off while taking pictures
Pedophile but she was pedofine, so divine the view from behind
Even the blind would rewind take a second look at that hind
I had half a mind to bend her in half contort the spine
walking cock eyed with whelps, marked her ass as mine
Hunter she is yours now I had to quit it
She was a freak though I got to admit it
She hated cars but I swear she was addicted to rimming
Shit eating grinning, and pissing on her chin again
This ain't meant to cause tension or even divorce
Why the long face? You see what she can do to a horse?
But a whore is a whore of course of course
And no one can talk to a whore of course
Unless of course this whore gets bored
Then the whore is yours to pork
It's the famous Mrs. Steph.
Producer X: Uh, that's enough Randy you can stop right there.
Randy Savage: I was just getting warmed up. So when do we start recording this album?
Producer X: Yeah Randy, there isn't going to be an album.
Randy Savage: What? Why not?
Producer X: Well, Randy Hunter actually owns this studio and I don't think he'll take too kindly to you recording here after what you said about his wife.
Randy Savage: Why would Hunter own a music studio?
Producer X: He has hopes that maybe one day he can convince Motorhead to come in and cut an album here.
Randy Savage: Fine, we'll just scrap the material we made today and start fresh.
Producer X: Afraid that's not going to work Randy. Hunter requires to listen to everything made in his studio, even demos. Needless to say he won't want you anywhere near his studio when he hears this.
Randy Savage: Christ, even in the music business Triple H manages to hold people down.
AND NOW YET ANOTHER LIFE LESSON FROM JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
I've always considered myself to be quite the opinionated person, refusing to bite my tongue on several occasions. Unfortunately that's not always the best thing. You see, once upon a time when I was quite the sexual deviant on the road I stumbled upon this lonely chick in a bar. She was crying her eyes out because she had just found out her husband was having an affair. Being the slick guy that I am I preyed on her vulnerability and ended up taking her to the hotel room that night. The things we did would make anybody blush. A few years later that same woman bumped into me again and introduced herself; as Vince McMahon's wife Linda. Now I could have been the abrasive asshole and told Vince that I had banged his wife but it would have ruined any chance I had in the wrestling business, so I decided to simply sit back and shut up. Sometimes you just got to know when to hit it, quit it, and never admit it.
Day 89
Sometimes pictures aren't painted clearly right in front of your eyes nor is every word spelled out for you. Sometimes you have to work for the meanings. While this may be a chore for some, others view it as all the more rewarding when they are able to reveal the answers for themselves. Whether you opt to take the easy route or the road less traveled is up to you. Perhaps one is more rewarding than the other, or maybe I'm just bluffing.
Things You Didn't See Versus Things You "Saw"
I want to play a game. You've made a career out of being what some would call a reality star, yet I would say that your life isn't based in reality at all. Instead your antics on the alleged "Real World" show were anything but real. They were all just a part of a watered down ripoff of your favorite performer.
Have you ever stopped to question the consequences of your actions? One would assume not. Tonight though you will face your fears of actually living in reality rather than it's scripted counterpart. You will have to prove whether or not you have what it takes to succeed. Don't sit back and misuse your talent.
Wasted and misused talent are two things I simply can't tolerate. Yet you are so content with being a cheap imitation of your own idol that you fail to realize your own breakout potential. While some would argue that having talent is far from a crime, I would say that wasting it very much is.
Your chance is now though. It will be you and only you who can make the choice whether you live up to the hype that some have so graciously bestowed upon you. Or will you let your career die out and fall to the wayside as just another fallen star.
Time is of the essence though as their is a slow poison that is flowing through your veins closing your window of opportunity at a rapid rate. There is an antidote though that has been injected into the penis of your boss. You must retrieve this antidote and ingest it if you ever want to have a chance at succeeding. Hurry though, as within 60 seconds the damage done may become irreversible. All you willing you suck your boss's cock for the opportunity to succeed or would you rather die with what is left of your dignity in tact. Live or die Miz, make your choice.
Day 90
I've never been one for wanting to meet entertainers I look up to. I've always been of the mindset that within the realm in which I'm supposed to be entertained said entertainer is instead obligated to do just that; entertain. However it's when you run into this people outside of this realm that you are liable to run into something that you may not like. Does it make them an asshole if they tell you off for stalking them and thinking they'd be appreciative? Hardly. In fact, maybe seeing that truth can help more than it harms.
Punked By Your Idol
Fanboy's Mom: Honey, is everything okay you seem real uneasy.
Fanboy nudges his head to the left
Fanboy's Mom: Oh who is that, he's cute. Is that one of those wrestling guys you always talk about?
Fanboy: MOM. Don't stare, you are embarrassing me; and yes he's a wrestler. One of the best in fact.
Fanboy's Mom: Why don't you go over there and talk to him?
Fanboy: I can't do that. He's just sitting there with friends trying to unwind. Besides I doubt he wants to talk to me, I best just leave him alone.
Fanboy's Mom: Are you kidding me? You are a huge fan, I'm sure they'd be honored to hear someone who looks up to them so much. I'm going to go over there and see if they'll meet you.
Fanboy: Mom, don't!
Fanboy's Mom leaves the table
Stone Cold: So there I was knuckle deep in her asshole.
Daveyboy: Geez man, you are something else.
Fanboy's Mom arrives at the table of wrestlers
Fanboy's Mom: Sorry to interrupt, but my son is a huge fan. He really wants to become a wrestler some day and I was wondering if you'd talk to him.
Stone Cold: Sure send him over.
Fanboy's Mom: Really? He was so nervous to come over here but I told him you'd be willing to meet him.
Stone Cold: I'm always willing to meet fans.
Fanboy's Mom: Great, I'll go get him.
Fanboy's Mom goes to get Fanboy
Daveyboy: You are seriously going to meet this kid?
Stone Cold: Hell yeah, I figure it's best that he hears what the business is about from me.
Daveyboy: This ought to be good.
Fanboy shows up at the table
Fanboy: Hey Mr. Austin, I'm a huge fan.
Stone Cold: That's good to hear, your mom says you want to be a wrestler.
Fanboy: Yes sir, been a dream of mine for years.
Stone Cold: I hope you plan on packing on some pounds, that stack of dimes you call a neck isn't even as big around as my wrist.
Fanboy: Well I've been working out.
Stone Cold: Damn son, if this is what you look like after you've been working out I hate to see the "before" shot. I tell you what I'm going to hook you up with one of the tips of the trade. Take a swig of this, all us wrestlers drink it.
Fanboy: No offense Mr. Austin but I don't drink alcohol and I don't do drugs.
Stone Cold: What kind of guy you think I am, this stuff is all natural.
Fanboy: Well in that case....(takes a drink of the beverage) Damn, this stuff is terrible.
Stone Cold: You best get used to it if you want to be a wrestler.
Fanboy: Well what is it?
Stone Cold: Jizz.
Fanboy: Jizz?
Stone Cold: Yeah, you know jizz. Baby batter, spunk, Cock Milk, whatever you want to call it.
Daveyboy: OH SNAP!
Fanboy: Are you fucking kidding me?
Stone Cold: Hell nah son all the boys in the back drink jugs of that stuff.
Daveyboy: You ever had your shit pushed in?
Fanboy: I think I'm going to be sick.
Stone Cold: Sick? Hell you might as well accept it. You ain't nothing but a little punk. A little cock milk punk.
Fanboy's Mom shows back up
Fanboy's Mom: Sorry honey but we got to go. Do you gentlemen mind if we get a picture so my son can remember this forever.
Stone Cold: No problem ma'am.
The group pose of a picture
Stone Cold: Remember what I said boy, only one way to get big like us and break into the professional wrestling world.
Fanboy: Yeah I'll remember alright.
Dear diary, today I met a few legends but they weren't exactly what I hoped for. They introduced me to a side of the business that I didn't expect. A cock milk punk huh? I'll show those guys that I can indeed make it no matter what they think. Guess I best start drinking my milk.
Today I met my idols and all I got was this crappy picture...
Day 91
I apologize, sometimes I don't know when to stop. I get lost in my own self absorbed world fulfilling my heinous acts of self-indulgence. I took the joke and I beat it into the ground and for that I'm truly sorry. A good portion of my audience has been ostracized by my actions and now is my chance to win them back over. This is my opportunity to show the people that I'm more than just a bunch of random dick and fart jokes. Then again, maybe if all you've gathered from this week is that I'm a man full of one-liners and sex puns that it is you who has missed the point. Skip, it's time to put the woman and children to bed and go looking for supper.
Parental Guidance Not Suggested
John Cena: Randy Orton, for weeks I've seen you come out here and run your mouth about being the best but maybe it's time that you stopped talking and started walking. As good as you may be, I'm just a little bit better and I can sleep soundly at night because I know I made it to the top by doing the right thing.
Randy Orton: The right thing John? Well what exactly is the right thing? Is doing the right thing being loyal to your fans? The same fans that will cheer you one day and boo you the next. Not because you've done something wrong but simply because you always did the same thing. John, the fans may not even realize it themselves but they crave for us to surprise them even if it means doing what some would deem to be "the wrong thing" to do. They'd rather I smash you in the head with a chair for no reason whatsoever than come out every single week and declare my love for them. So while you may claim loyalty to them, I declare loyalty to myself. Does that make me a bad guy? Far from it, as I decide what actions suit me best I don't do it to cater to them. Catering to the fans always leads to a dead end street. Nobody stays loved forever without taking chances. You wonder why sometimes these fans boo you John? It's because you've become too accustomed to playing it safe.
John Cena: That may be Randy, I guess sometimes I do play it a little too safe but maybe that's because I know what it's like to be on the other side of those tracks. I've been the guy everyone hates, and I've dealt with hostile crowds yet somewhere along the way these fans started cheering me even though the things I did weren't exactly morally right. I heard the change in their reaction and it motivated me more than ever. I started to do things differently and I sky-rocketed to the top. Somewhere along the lines though the fans grew complacent with me. Nothing I did changed, with the exception of maybe I fine tuned my image a little. Is there really anything wrong with trying to become someone that little kids can look up to? I wouldn't think so but apparently there is. Maybe you are right Randy, maybe I should just follow my heart and do what's right for me. Maybe I should come down there right now and bash your head in with a steel chair.
The crowd erupts into loud cheering
Randy Orton: That's right John, listen to the fans. Be predictable, come down here and pummel me with that chair. Stain this ring with my blood and show everybody the type of man that you are. Beat down the so-called "bad guy" and make him pay for getting away with doing the wrong thing for so long. When it's all said and done do you think it will matter? Will you win over any new fans? Isn't that what you are supposed to do? Good guys always conquer the bad guys and then ride off into the sunset. I'll even turn my back and won't put up a fight, all you have to do is pull the trigger cowboy.
John Cena: How many of you fans would like to see me beat the holy hell out of Randy Orton tonight?
Loud cheer
John Cena: Too bad. As much as me and Randy have battled over the last year, I agree with him. Me going down there and bashing his brains in isn't going to change things, they'll just remain the same. You guys want me to do your dirty work and beat up the bad guys and then boo me. In a funny way I guess by me not doing this I'm actually doing what you want. You want me to change, you want me to become less predictable.
Cena leaves the ring and grabs a chair
John Cena: Well how is this for predictability.
John pulls an unsuspecting child over the guard rail and beats him mercilessly with the chair. The child starts to bleed and convulse as security and the child's parents attempt to get there in time. Randy Orton even rushes the scene to attempt to stop the crazed Cena from this unprovoked attack. As cops rush in and subdue Cena the crowd and announcers look on stunned. Then Cena's music comes on and the announcers hype up what kind of impact this will have on the upcoming pay-per-view and all our worries are laid to rest. It was all part of the show.
AND NOW A LIFE LESSON FROM JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS
I remember this one mistress that would follow me on the road from city to city just allowing me to ravage her body on a daily basis. My favorite act with her was anal without a doubt and was something we practiced every night. Then one day out of the blue she flat our refused to give me access to her brown eye and I had to make due with just vaginal sex from then on out. I started to grow more and more frustrated over time to the point of nearly resenting her. After a few years of getting bored with the same old routine out of the blue she let me fuck her in the ass again. It was one of the best nights of sex I ever had with her. It wasn't so much that it was better than before it's just that I had grown so accustomed to our new routine that the sudden change surprised me and maybe even tricked me into thinking it was something even better than it had ever been.
The wrestling world is a lot like that. The cycles come and go because the fans grow tired of seeing the same thing week in and week out, we need to be stimulated in different ways. While some may bitch about the new PG direction that Vince has taken 4-5 years down the road when someone gets driven through a flaming table out of the blue you'll swear it was the greatest thing ever. Is it really anything you've never had? Nope, but you'll have been so conditioned to seeing the PG product that it'll be shocking to see anything different.
I could come out here day in and day out and drop "F" bombs and write vulgar material all day long. For a while people would laugh and talk about how funny and entertaining I am but over time the act would get stale. The key is to always leaving the audience wanting more and never overstaying your welcome. Once you can master that, the sky is the limit.
I hope you guys had as much fun reading this stuff as I did writing it.
