Skip Rogers: Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen I, Skip Rogers, has the very privileged task of interviewing none other than former WWF superstar Tony Halme aka Ludvig Borga. The interview will be part of my documentary series on what superstars do after the proverbial wrestling door is shut. I figured what better way to start then with a truly controversial figure who shocked the world following his WWF days by becoming a member of the Finnish Parliament. Speaking of the devil, there is Mr. Halme.
Tony is seen with his back to the camera in the midst of what appears to be a rather hostile conversation. Clearly he hasn't seen Skip nor the cameraman.
Ludvig Borga: No, you listen you little shit! Whose fucking dick do I need to suck in order to get someone who is even remotely competent at their fucking job to assist me. When I say I won't a book of acid, that doesn't mean I want a book on acid you brainless piece of shit. What am I going to do, read about how awesome tripping balls is? No, I don't need to because I already know how awesome tripping balls is. What I want is enough LSD to have a small village institutionalized, if you can't come through with that then you are useless to me. Now next time I talk to you the first words I hear from you better be "Mr. Halme, I have your shit" otherwise I am going to end you. You understand me? Good, now stop wasting my fucking time.
Skip Rogers: Mr. Halme?
Ludvig Borga: Who the hell are you?
Skip Rogers: Skip Rogers sir, you granted me an interview with you for part of my documentary.
Ludvig Borga: Skip Rogers? That's got to be the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life. Documentary huh? Guess that's what my PR people set up to "clean up my image". They figured if people saw the softer side of my personality then they'd be willing to forget about some of my outrageous actions. So how much of that conversation did you hear?
Skip Rogers: Not much, just something about a book of acid.
Ludvig Borga: So you didn't hear anything about bestiality?
Skip Rogers: Uh, no, definitely didn't hear anything about having sex with animals.
Ludvig Borga: Good, wouldn't want that getting out.
Skip Rogers: Yeah.....we wouldn't want that.
Ludvig Borga: I'm just giving you the business man, I don't fuck horses anymore. So, how about you take a seat over there and I'll go drop off this mud turtle so we can get this thing started.
Skip Rogers: Mud turtle?
Ludvig Borga: Yeah, you know; a "MUD TURTLE".
Skip Rogers: I'm afraid I don't follow.
Ludvig Borga: Christ mate, I got to go take a shit.
Skip Rogers: Oh right. Well you go do that and I'll be here waiting.
Fifteen Minutes and Forty-Three Seconds Later...
Ludvig Borga: Well alright then, that one gave me a bit of hell but I think I've emerged a better person because of it. I guess it's high time we get this show on the road.
Skip Rogers: Sounds good. Let's get this ball rolling then.
Ludvig Borga: Shoot.
Skip Rogers: First off Mr. Halme, let me just say thank you for taking the time out of your schedule for this. I'm hoping to pull the curtain back a little bit and show the fans what not only happens behind the scenes but also what happens after wrestling is no longer part of their life. That being said Mr. Halme...
Ludvig Borga: Actually, screw the formalities just call me Ludvig.
Skip Rogers: You prefer to go by your character's name?
Ludvig Borga: Yeah I always thought it sounded intimidating. I know I wouldn't want to come face to face with a guy named Ludvig Borga, that just sounds like a shady guy who'll cut your throat without thinking twice.
Skip Rogers: I suppose you might have a point. So Mr. Borga, what was it like being a member of the WWF?
Ludvig Borga: Well my stay there was actually pretty brief, I didn't even make it a full year. That moron Steiner put a short end to my stint.
Skip Rogers: Scott Steiner was the cause of your quick exit from the company?
Ludvig Borga: No, not the roided one, the retarded one. Idiot botched a simple move at a house show and caused me to twist my ankle pretty bad. I was actually scheduled to make a hell of an impact but that asshole shit it all down the drain.
Skip Rogers: You mention that you were destined for greatness, how serious do you think the WWF writers at the time took your gimmick?
Ludvig Borga: Dead serious. I was a foreigner with a thick accent, which made it easy for the American public to hate. The writers approached that scenario with the utmost respect for the character.
Skip Rogers: Wasn't your gimmick that of a foreign heel whom hated America because of its pollution?
Ludvig Borga: Yes, that was the basic premise. Simple enough really, yet strangely I was the heel in this equation even though I stood for Mother Earth being green. I'm pretty sure the writers were slowly building me up to eventually have a huge face run that would be rivaled only by Hulk Hogan due to the moral fabric in which my character was based on.
Skip Rogers: I'm glad you brought up the writers again. I'm going a paraphrase a promo that you cut during your entrance into the WWF. "America is the land of milk and honey? More like smells kind of funny." How would you describe the writing in that promo?
Ludvig Borga: I actually wrote that promo myself, so I'm going to go ahead and say it was fucking brilliant. It was short and to the point, while still getting my point across. Not only that but I managed to throw in a good rhyme for added measures.
Skip Rogers: You can't go wrong there.
Ludvig Borga: No you really can't. I reviewed a lot of tapes of Lanny Poffo performing as the Genius to really get into the state of mind that I needed to be in to perform at the level I wanted to be.
Skip Rogers: Speaking of performance, you didn't limit your combat skills to simply the wrestling world did you?
Ludvig Borga: I most certainly did not.
Skip Rogers: You actually competed not only as a standard boxer but as a MMA fighter as well.
Ludvig Borga: Correct.
Skip Rogers: How did the other career choices compare to the WWF?
Ludvig Borga: It's a mixed bag really. On one hand you have the WWF where you really can't control your destiny nearly as much. Either a promoter likes you or they don't, and if they don't you'll never make it. Then on the other side you have boxing and MMA where your ability alone is what makes you.
Skip Rogers: You bring up the fact that your ability alone is what makes your career in these combat sports, yet didn't you test positive for steroids?
Ludvig Borga: I don't really see what you are getting at.
Skip Rogers: What I'm getting at is simple. Using steroids would give you an unfair advantage, therefore you weren't getting by on your natural abilities you were actually getting by on cheap enhanced ability. Funny enough, even with this added advantage your career never amounted to much of anything in these other sports.
Ludvig Borga: Big talk for a man who hasn't amounted to shit himself. At least I made it to the game. Besides, you think that "unfair advantage" as you put it softened the blow of those shots to my face? I'll answer that one for you, hell no. You see Mr. Rogers. What a second, it just dawned on me. Your name is actually Mr. Fucking Rogers.
Skip Rogers: Yeah, guilty as charged.
Ludvig Borga: That's just too rich. I'll go ahead and forget your rudeness there for the simple fact that your name just gave me the biggest laugh I've had in some time.
Skip Rogers: Fair enough, perhaps it's best that we move on then.
Ludvig Borga: Good call.
Skip Rogers: How about we dive in to your political career a bit? You actually won the election and became a member of the Finnish Parliament in 2003.
Ludvig Borga: Yeah it was a fine victory for me and all the regular people in my country. I was living proof that anybody can make a difference.
Skip Rogers: A true Cinderella story if you will. Though your story went a little bit of a different route. First you called your wicked Step Mother a lesbian. Which I'm pretty sure didn't happen in the original version of the story.
Ludvig Borga: I guess you are referring to the whole bit with our president huh?
Skip Rogers: You would be correct sir.
Ludvig Borga: What can I say, I honestly thought she was batting for the other team.
Skip Rogers: Of course then there's the manner of you firing a gun at your prince, or princess as this story dictates. Then it gets better though as following you being unconscious for days and having multiple drugs in your system you blamed someone else for all of these acts. Yet somehow you were still allowed to be a member of the Parliament.
Ludvig Borga: It was a dark time in my life for sure.
Skip Rogers: Yeah then of course in 2006 you strengthened the credibility of your defense by getting arrested for driving under the influence.
Ludvig Borga: You know what, I'm about tired of your smart mouth.
Ludvig's phone rings
Ludvig Borga: You're lucky, you just got saved by the bell. Hello? Yeah, you got it? Good, where are you at now? okay, that's five minutes from here I'll be right there.
Ludvig Hangs Up His Phone
Ludvig Borga: Well Mr. Rogers, you say you want to do a documentary on what wrestlers do after wrestling. I might just have the thing for you. Pack up your shit and follow me.
Skip Rogers and his camera man pack up their equipment and follow Mr. Borga up the street. Upon their arrival they meet a shady man whom gives a package to Ludvig Borga
Ludvig Borga: Well gentlemen, this package I have here in my hands is going to ensure that we have one hell of a night and one that I'm sure you won't forget anytime soon. Depending on how you look at it, you guys just got one hell of a break because I hate to trip by myself and I have enough acid to get us all put in the loony bin tonight.
Ludvig opens the package and attached to the front of the notebook inside is a note written in bright red marker.
Dear Mr. Borga,
I suppose it is time that I come clean. The gentlemen standing in front of you are not as they seem. They are not here to document and celebrate your career, but rather document the last few moments of your life. You are nothing more than a poorly executed stereo-type that set wrestling back many years and you will be punished. You are amongst a breed of wrestlers that must not only fade into obscurity but rather be wiped from the face of the earth. I have studied your every move and gotten to those close to you to find out just how miserable a person you are. Those who stand before you now are Skip Rogers and Mr. Donkey, who have posed as a duo doing a documentary in order to slip in undetected. They knew that your ego was too massive to turn down such a request. By the time you look up from reading this note it will be too late, Mr. Donkey will have already pulled out his proton cannon (yes he totally has a kickass proton cannon) and will erase you before you can lift a finger. It is best that you simply sit back and accept your fate. Fear not for those who judge you now will one day themselves be judged.
Sincerely
Skip Rogers
P.S. I'm totally stealing all your acid.
Mr. Donkey: Ludvig, I don't give a fuck what Folgers says. Sometimes the best part of waking up is not waking up at all.
Mr. Donkey fires the proton cannon disintegrating Borga before he can even utter a word.
Skip Rogers: Dude, that was a pretty intense line.
Mr. Donkey: Thanks man, I've actually been thinking about it the whole time I was shooting. Just sounded kickass.
Skip Rogers: You really went above expectations on this one. Alright let's grab the acid and get out of here. We've got some business to take care of elsewhere.
Meanwhile at the house of Matt Borne...
Matt: Something's not right.
Matt's Girlfriend: What is it?
Matt: I just felt something I haven't felt in years. A disturbance.
Matt's Girlfriend: A disturbance?
Matt: Yes, I got to go.
Matt's Girlfriend: What do you mean? It's the middle of the night.
Matt: I know, but somebody is out there killing our own and I got to find out who.
Matt's Girlfriend: Killing "our own"? What are you talking about Matt?
Matt: Look, I don't expect you to understand and for me to sit here and try to explain this to in you in a way you'd understand is just something I can't do right now. When I say I have to go, I mean I have to go. Lives depend on me and it's time that I become what I once was.
Matt's Girlfriend: Lives on the line? You aren't making sense Matt, what do you need to become?
Matt: I need to become Doink the Clown one last time.
