Bullshit. Next you'll tell me somebody else does it like Sara Lee.
Jessica Tandy almost does it like Sara Lee, but almost only counts in horse shoes and busting a load inside a chicks mouth.
Man, I'd like to drive her daisy.
And fry her green tomatoes
At her age, it'd be more like prunes.
That makes two of us that'll run right through her.
It takes two, baby. Me and you.
We be the tag team of the future, Techno Team 2000 style. So remember Bill Watts when you are up there accepting your HOF bid, your baby boy will be down here running the train on Jessica Tandy.
With Jim Ross on commentary.
Honestly I wouldn't trust anybody else. Plus I can think of more than a couple of uses for that BBQ sauce of his.
I certainly won't be putting it on my food. Not if it makes half your face fall off. Seriously, that's just too hot.
Yeah no need in my "O-face" becoming a "no-face".
You'd think, given that he's on a taped show now, WWE could find a way to pixar that ugly bitch up.
Yeah really, I mean if they are able to simulate Jerry Lawler being a douchebag then I'm sure they got some sort of camera magic that could make good Ol' JR's face look less like a California Raisin's asshole.
I heard that they tried a few years ago, but Kane couldn't light the match or something. By the way, remember Kane?
Kane? Isn't he that guy who beat Stone Cold for the belt awhile back?
No, that was Abyss. I'm talking about Kane the movie star who stars in movies.
Oh, Kane. Like "See No Evil" Kane. I vaguely recall, I don't watch movies though due to my Amish beliefs.
I don't believe in the Amish. Just seems made up to me.
Well that's what I mean. My beliefs say that the Amish aren't real people but I heard an Amish guy was in that Kane movie and thus avoided it like the plague.
Hmmm, I didn't spot him. Of course, I didn't see the movie either, but he wasn't pictured on the box. Might have gotten cut out.
Maybe I got false information, an Amish guy would stand out like a sore thumb though since they all look the same... White
Well, I'm colorblind so I wouldn't have noticed anyway.
How's that treating you? I'd figure eating fruit candy would be an adventure given the circumstances.
I'm tasteblind too.
Damn, life has dealt you a horrid hand.
Ugh, don't even get started on my hands, man. It's too depressing.
It could be worse, you could be Chris Benoit.
Yep. Got all my teeth, thank God.
You know who else has all their teeth? Sim Snuka. Feel better now?
Much. Unlike him, I have a real dad that loves me.
Poor guy, even Papa Snuka is getting more screen time than him.
Maybe Deuce should try jumping off of something really high? Worked for that prostitute whose name no one remembers.
I believe she was named New Jack. Last I heard she was getting paid to get drunk and tell stories with Raven and the Sandman. Guess she won this round.
No, not New Jack. The hooker Superfly Snuka killed. What was her name?
Pftt, rule number one is never learn their real name. That way when you kill them you can just pretend it was a dream. Then again if killing hookers is your dream then you still win.
Hey, remember that video game where you kill the hookers?
WCW vs the World?
Yeah. With Bad Blood.
That was the best part of WCW, their family values. If your daughter grows up to be a whore, you kill that bitch. I give props to Snuka for helping keep the WCW mindset more alive than the hookers he kills.
I wonder why they let Vince buy them out and erase them from history. I guess the rumors that he hates children are true.
Maybe he was trying to protect his daughter from the Macho Men of this world.
Probably. I heard a rumor that Macho tried to marry Stephanie back when she was 14. I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
I don't buy that at all. I'm pretty sure you can get married at 14.
Not in the butt you can't.
Well that goes without saying but we'll include it in the column anyway. We try to educate as much as we can.
Oh, did we start the column already?
Nah, I'm just saying when we do. This talks way too much about wrestling to be the column.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I hear that LOP's not too keen on wrestling discussion in columns for some reason. Maybe it finally grew up?
I thought the same thing, then they bumped me up.
By the way, belated congratulations on that. I'm proud of you. I printed your column and put it on my refrigerator.
Awesome, I feel like the kid who brought home his first D and while he's still a disappointment to his family, they still celebrate the fact that he's passing and hopefully moving out soon. Sorry Mom.
I forgive you, but try to stop leaving your wet towels on the bathroom floor. It's unsanitary.
To my credit I did stop pooping with the seat up. Sometimes you just got to take the good with the bad. Kind of like Dustin Rhodes/Cody Rhodes.
I know they have the same father, but do they have the same mother?
Pretty sure Cody's mom was the hooker that Snuka killed. That's why they kicked Sim out of the Legacy. Nothing says "revenge for your mother's death" like kicking their son out of your club.
While I'm asking questions, who was Domino's dad?
The Noid.
No wonder he got fired. WWE only wants second-generation people. Not guys like Domino.
Funny they got rid of the guy named after a pizza place and kept the guy named after taking a crap.
I think it's funny that they got rid of Paul London. He's not named after a pizza place or taking a crap, but he is a dicksucker and that's almost as bad.
They kept the guy who's Indy name reminds me of masturbation but get rid of the guy named after a place in England. Nice to see the WWE get something right.
Are you saying that CM Punk reminds you of masturbation?
Cock Milk Punk....you do the math.
Of course. It makes perfect sense now.
I tend to have that effect on people. See mom those D's didn't mean anything.
I'm starting to think you're right. So I guess some WrestleMania thing is coming up or something. You going?
Yes I am going. Going to be watching from the confines of my home. A few less hookers, and a lot more teeth.
I'm probably going to illegally download it off this internet. You wouldn't believe it, but it seems that it's really easy to do.
Yeah Al Gore always struck me as the guy who'd invent something shoddy like that.
WrestleMania?
Yeah, but I got to support the guy so I'll be ordering and sending him my hard earned money. Maybe then he'll buy a razor.
Maybe one of those ones Cena used to murder Vince McMahon with.
Well it appears that karma has come back to bite Cena in his ass. Guess Al Gore is pals with ol' Vinne Mac and thus decided to keep Cena out of a title match at Wrestlemania.
Not yet. The ECW champ doesn't have a match yet.
ECW is back?
Yep. Tonight on Sci-Fi, but only if you believe it's there.
Well I don't and I won't. So I shan't......Wrestling on Sci-Fi, what are we using zombies now?
I have no idea, I don't watch it.
Then how can you be sure it comes on? You aren't Al Gore are you?
No, but he told me. Plus, they advertise it during Nitro.
Ah, Nitro such good memories. Speaking of WCW how's the WCW One Night Stand Card looking?
They just booked Edge versus Big Show for it last night. I think Edge will win because I heard wrestling's fake so the smaller guy winning makes more sense. Helps me suspend my belief.
It also helps reel in the little people, I mean dwarfs make up at least 73% of the wrestling audience so you have to cater to them.
They'll probably make up the same percentage of the Cluster In The Fuck ladder party. By the way, I've been playing solitaire this entire time and I just won. SPOILER ALERT: The closing graphics are fucking killer.
Thanks for the heads up, but me winning at anything is as logical as Mark Henry being in a ladder match.
It's a hard game. As for Henry, I thought he died.
Spoiler Alert: He's going to die at WCW One Night Stand.....in a ladder match......with Kane.
Oh. Good. I hate black people, and I was told he was black.
For a long time I thought it was just Mabel under a new name, until Viscera showed up and then I got really confused. Then again they all look the same to me. Fat people that is.
Whatever happened to Mo? Seriously, wiki that.
Well apparently he was part of the USWA version of the Nation of Domination and called "Sir Muhammed" but now he's about 500 lbs. and only ties to wrestling is part-time booker. Now he's a truck driver. I didn't even make any of that up, I promise.
He also co-wrote a column for lordsofpain with Dr. Monkey once.
Yeah he was actually a pretty solid writer but his graphics were a bit on the shaky side.
Why be a dick about it?
Because as a fat guy he looked just like everyone else to me, and thus I couldn't care about him. If you are fat and reading this....stop. Being fat that is.
Look, you invited me here, okay? I was perfectly fine without this column business. You were the one that convinced me to come back and open my soul, to let complete strangers peer into my most secret wishes, hopes and dreams.
Wait a second I just realized something. You're colorblind?
Pour it on, asshole. Yeah.
When you were in the Nation of Domination how'd you know who to be racist against?
I was never in The Nation. Fuck, don't you know anything about my career?
Well Wikipedia said you were in the USWA nation and I'll believe Wikipedia over a fat guy at least 4 days a week.
Oh, USWA. That was... well, that's a very hazy time for me. It's not like the WWE, Doc. We were allowed to do drugs in USWA.
Who you telling? I guess it's time I let you in on a little secret of mine. That Doc in my name is actually Dok as in Hendrix. I'm Michael Hayes.
Mikey! How the hell you been, you rat bastard?
Not too bad, got put on the WCW One Night Stand booking crew and decided it'd be funny to put one of them colored folks in a ladder match. Mark Henry stood out in my mind for obvious reasons.
Why not Jeff Hardy? I've heard he's colored.
I don't mean colored like a rainbow, I mean colored like a fat guy. Besides Jeff Hardy is to being a whore as New Jack is to being a whore too.
If you need fat, try Matt Hardy. He's the other guy's brother. New Jack's.
I was actually thinking Tommy Dreamer.
Who?
Some guy that Ripper loves apparently. I googled him and all I got was some whale yelling E-C-W and hitting people in the balls.
Never heard of him. He must've debuted after 2000 when I and everyone else stopped watching wrestling.
You haven't missed a lot. You remember that guy that everyone thought was funny, Chris Jericho. Well he still isn't world champion.
Never heard of him either. Kind of makes me wonder why you asked me to co-write a wrestling column.
Someone once told me that a negative times a negative equals a positive. Back then I didn't know what they meant, but now I'm pretty sure they were just insane. Possibly even homeless. That's the funny thing about homeless people for every nugget of knowledge there's two bits of crazy.
And three heroin needles. One for everybody.
Which brings us right back to Rainbow Hardy....homeless, crazy, and on heroin.
Hell, it brings us all the way back to Jessica Tandy. Funny how these things always seem to wrap up in such a neat little package.
Speaking of a little package....eh fuck it, I can't give all my nuggets of knowledge out for free. Mene Gene didn't, and neither shall I.
Good idea. I'm going to go watch that wrestler's movie.
No Holds Barred?
No, this one:
Heard one of those guys was up for an Oscar this year.
You heard wrong. You must be earblind.
True. It really is the blind leading the blind around here.
I'm going to go kill myself now. Good luck on the main page and hi/bye to everybody at LOP.
In closing, Suicide isn't funny kids, unless it's a fat person killing themselves. Then laugh with them.
Unless my noose breaks. Then it's just tragic.
Zuma, don't think you'd get out of this one safe. Time to bring us home.
I like Peanut Butter: I know secrets about you
Zuma: like what
I like Peanut Butter: you have no eyebrows, it's actually dog hair stapled to your eye
Zuma: damn
Zuma: how did the news get out?
I like Peanut Butter: your webcam
Zuma: shit
Zuma: I was supposed to turn that off when I reset my hair
I like Peanut Butter: guess you forgot
Zuma: fuck
Zuma: that means you saw the birthmark on my ass too then
I like Peanut Butter: the one that looks like Reagan or the one that looks like John Goodman?
Zuma: goodman... but goodman in The Babe
I like Peanut Butter: ah, now I see it
I like Peanut Butter: Zuma has smelly underpants
Zuma: you know it
I like Peanut Butter: that's why I said it
Zuma: actually, they were dirty
Zuma: I did the smell test today
Zuma: they weren't bad, so I gave them another day
