Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [34] - Monsters, Inc. (The Sequel)
By SkittleZ
Jan 4, 2009 - 4:41:20 AM
[34] - Monsters, Inc. (The Sequel)
Happy New Year's my Fruity Followers! When you really think about it though, what's so great about it? All it means is we're about to go through the same exact twelve months and usual holidays that we have every year since forever. Just one big pile of shit we cycle through every 365 days. I'm really not in a bad mood actually (just felt like throwing out some negative opinion there). Yesterday was my birthday thus meaning The Candyman is one year older than I was last time we met up (take that Einstein)! In case you got too wasted during the holidays, I'm SkittleZ and this is the column that brings some color into your uneventful lives. Taste My Rainbow has been running strong now for over a year and a half.... minus a few several months in late 2007. I could ramble on for hours but will cease now before I'm the last one left standing in the room. Besides, this is for your pleasure.
Scott Steiner blows hard. Honestly, I've always felt that way about him. Dude has never done much for me from a fans' perspective. I mean Steiner doesn't really excel in any way, shape or form and it can be disputed that his best days were back in the 90's when he was one half of the Steiner Brothers. Sure he held the WCW World Title but that was in the failing days of WCW when Russo was in charge and the company was rapidly going down the shitter. This cluster of emotions came after reading an interview Steiner did where he bashed Triple H and Flair to no end (click here to read what he said). I'm not a huge fan of The Game or The Nature Boy but everything Steiner told the reporter sounds like pure bullshit. What a bitter bastard. I'm guessing he still blames them for his lame stint with the WWE four or five years ago. Steiner probably sleeps peacefully every night with steroids under his pillow.
2008 was by far the most successful year of Matt Hardy's career. He returned from his emergency appendectomy at WM24 and won his first major singles title shortly after. A move to ECW via the Draft Lottery saw him drop the United States Championship but it wasn't long before Matt captured the ECW Title to the delight of many. Now Hardy has proven to be a fighting champion (how could he not on that brand?) and he's owned the show during his reign but how impressive is it really? Matt doesn't really have much to work with over on the C brand and therefore he hasn't proved much whatsoever. As much as I hate to say it, Hardy is just an upper midcarder who was sent to ECW to fill the void left by CM Punk to keep the show from becoming a complete snoozefest. While his current role in the company is nice, Matt is stuck in neutral and will most likely remain there for the foreseeable future. Jeff is proving how much he has to offer to the main event scene but it isn't as if Hardy can't do the same. When you give it some thought, he really hasn't been granted the chance or necessary push.
I'm not quite sure what to make of Rosa Mendez (supposedly WWE's newest Diva) and her kayfabe affiliation with Beth Phoenix. Listen I love all of these scantily clad women but if I really wanted to see a large number of them, I'd just visit a porn site or pop in an X-rated DVD. When will we have enough Divas? The company is closing in on around 20 and while I don't expect them to all have sound wrestling abilities, there's only so many female interviewers and managers needed. When I start losing track of of how many chicks work for the WWE and I can't name a handful of them correctly, there's a problem. I have a great memory but damn... this is getting ridiculous. Vince could sign 15 new chicks, send them all to SmackDown and the women's division on RAW would still be superior. You know how ECW is due at least one throw away segment every episode? Quick fix: gather up all the Divas who don't do shit, send the bitches over to ECW and have them face off every Tuesday night in different kinds of stimulating matches or contests. I used to mark for Extreme Expose!
Please don't think I'm taking a n00b like approach here but SkitZ has an ingenious fantasy booking concept! Well more of how it will end. We're all aware of the ongoing HBK/JBL program. It may just be me but the fans seem to really be getting into this storyline. Thing is Michaels isn't going to be around all that much longer and it's a shame he hasn't held a World Title in over six freaking years! So what I suggest is this.... at the Rumble, have HBK purposely cost Cena the World Heavyweight Championship to JBL because of Michaels' business agreement with Bradshaw. Cena can spend one Mania out of the title picture for crying out loud. A SmackDown guy wins the Royal Rumble and so a RAW Elimination Chamber match is held at No Way Out to determine who will face the World Champion at WrestleMania 25. HBK overcomes the odds and wins the chamber match to gain a shot at Bradshaw's title. JBL expects Michaels to forfeit his number one contendership but HBK will do no such thing and breaks their agreement; putting it all on the line at WM25. Then in his home state of Texas on April 5th, Michaels defeats JBL to capture the World Title (and he'd obviously receive a huge money bonus thus negating his financial issues). That would be the shit right there, people!
You lucky bastards are in for a real treat today! And no this isn't a lengthy diatribe of random LOPer's New Year's Resolutions. That was soooooo 2008. We're moving forward and backwards at the same time. Like everybody else who's come before and after me, I previously wrote columns in the forums before I was promoted to the Main Page last summer. Well back in February, I wrote a column about some of WWE's biggest and most popular monsters. If you'd like to check out my old piece, just click right here. It wasn't a complete disaster and now that it's been nearly a year, I thought why not hit up the topic again and examine some of the newer big men in the WWE? Jesus... don't look so sad. It'll be fun! Er trust me. After a little comparing, this class of monsters isn't as impressive as the initial one but that's not really my fault now is it? Blame Vinnie Mac and his homosexual-type craving for larger athletes.
Vladimir Kozlov
WWE Tenure: (2006, 2008-present)
Accomplishments: Has yet to be pinned in WWE / Gives better promos than Khali
Most Likely To: Star as the antagonist in the next James Bond movie
Honestly, I'd only seen bits and pieces of the Moscow Mauler up until Survivor Series. Triple H and Jeff were both originally scheduled to participate in the match so I didn't give Kozlov much thought. It was one of those instances where I felt he wouldn't particularly play a big role in the match but I could at least see what the guy brought to the table. Unfortunately, Jeff couldn't make the show and I got a large helping of Vladimir which is much more than I bargained for. And damn commentators and the unrealistic comparisons they make with the WWE's newest monsters. I thought the dude was around the seven foot mark. That was until he got face to face with The Game and he was only an inch or so taller than Trips! I feel jipped. Or perhaps the WWE just need to hire some taller cameramen. Why does Kozlov remind me of a repackaged version of Khali? It's as if now that the Punjabi Panda Bear has transformed into a lovable softy, the company cloned him and just changed his ethnical background. Not buying it? How about a mixture of Khali and Sylvester Terkay? Aha! I knew you'd come around.
The company didn't have faith in him from the start so why the hell should I!? I remember when Kozlov first began appearing on WWE programming in late 2006 and early '07 and he'd watch from ringside in the first row. Then some jackass like Michael Cole would randomly walk over to him and interview the guy; to which everyone would scratch their heads and boo in defiance. Vladimir had a few dark matches and after seeing how Khali's rookie year played out, WWE officials decided to play it smart and send Kozlov's ass back down to developmental for some fine tuning. What we see before us every Friday night isn't bad but it just seems so run of the mill. He's foreign, ugly, good sized (body wise you perverts) mean and receives good heel heat so he's got all the basics down. As meh as I can be towards the guy though, he is pretty athletic for a big man and at least he doesn't botch every other move like some have in the past. I'm not dismissing the dude just yet but what has he done that warrants multiple shots at the WWE Title? Oh and that headbutt finisher of his is WEAK. I'd take the Playmaker over that fucking joke of a move any day.
Kane
WWE Tenure: (1997-present)
Accomplishments: Held WWE Title for 24 hours / Slept with Katie Vick
Most Likely To: Job at everything he does for the remainder of his life
The Big Red Machine certainly wouldn't be labeled by anyone as new but he got the shaft in my inagural monsters column. And since the creative team loves to urinate on his legacy pretty much every week, I thought it'd be a nice gesture to pay the man some respect. Can we even refer to Kane as a monster anymore with the ongoing catastrophe that is his booking? The great thing about adding The Big Red Machine in this column is I get another chance to bitch about the huge fucking opportunity the creative team blew when they turned him heel after the Draft Lottery. Kane is already the designated jobber to every new monster who enters the company. Not to mention a constant jobber to any main event level wrestler. But why must he job to cruiserweights!? Those (along with Divas) are the only category of wrestlers he has left to beat the shit out of. Can the WWE spare him any shred of dignity? Cena is a stubby fellow but I can understand Kane putting him over because it's SuperCena. But seriously.... Mysterio!?
Rey Rey has fewer fans than Cena these days because his fans are limited to little kids and Hispanics. Having him overcome the odds occassionally is cute but vanquishing Kane time and time again is ridiculous. We all figured The Big Red Machine was carrying around his old mask in the burlap sack and we all shrieked with excitement. This was it. The WWE had finally pulled their heads out of The Undertaker's ass and were finally going to give Kane the long overdue push he deserved. Instead, the mask he uncovered was Mysterio's and as we all shook our heads, Kane laughed and explained that he'd kidnapped Rey Rey for sexual favors. And you know what's the saddest part about the entire scenario? The suspected plan would have worked! If Kane had put his mask back on, started kicking everyone's ass and won the World Title, the result would be an overwhelming success. Very few would complain because The Big Red Machine has the presence and ability to pull it off. Not to mention few are in touch with their character as much as Kane. Please explain this to me... if The Deadman deserves to hold the World Heavyweight Championship, then why doesn't Kane? And don't you dare bring the ECW Title into this discussion either.
Ezekial Jackson
WWE Tenure: (2008-present)
Accomplishments: Has attacked many unsuspecting victims / Former member of the Jackson 5
Most Likely To: Make Spanky HIS bitch (if you get my drift)
Not too long ago, I read someone's argument in the Columns Forums pertaining to Ezekial as the next big thing and even being built up to the point where he could challenge Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania 26. I don't know if I'd take it that far but I see a lot of Bad News Brown in him and most would consider that quite the compliment. With his reserved role as Kendrick's bodyguard, he's in a good position where he can venture out on his own one day and the writers won't have to do much in order to repackage Jackson realistically. Since the spotlight is constantly on The Brain Kendrick, we've only seen flashes of Ezekial and therefore don't really know what the guy is capable of doing. And I like that. I think it's a smart strategy and a sound booking decision. You wanna know why? Well take a seat next to the fireplace and I'll clue you in.
Jackson is in a tremendous position as of right now because the company hasn't overexposed him. What I mean by that is throwing him in various tag matches with Kendrick against teams like Carlito and Primo or Jesse and Festus are perfectly fine as long as Ezekial doesn't take the fall, is booked strong and doesn't spend too much time in the ring. Not so he doesn't make mistakes. Because you want to give the fans a taste but not all in one bite. The crowd and viewers at home know he's lurking and most importantly that he's a difference maker. Jackson has the tools to step it up a notch when called upon but there is one thing that could step in his way. Brian Kendrick. I know the WWE are trying to be spontaneous these days but when it comes time for Ezekial and Kendrick to part ways, there is only one way to do so and that's have Jackson beat the holy shit out of Kendrick. Lets not drag it out into some sort of feud and above all else, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow Kendrick to pick up a fluke win over Ezekial. That would kill Jackson's future push and subsequently water down his rough and tumble persona. He's got a ways to go and the company hasn't fucked it up yet so lets keep our fingers crossed.
Mike Knox
WWE Tenure: (2006-present)
Accomplishments: Beats up on short people / Hasn't shaved since before his recent push
Most Likely To: Fail far worse than Snitsky ever did
Columns Forum member mazza and I were just discussing how much Mr. Knox sucks just the other night. True story. Here's my main gripe with him. Knox = blandosaurus. In ever aspect possible too. I'm not just picking on the guy because he's an ECW reject and should have been shown the door from the start. Knox can't even successfully pull off the mysterious lumberjack look because everyone remembers his role in ECW a few years ago as Kelly Kelly's mean boyfriend. Shit.... Knox dating Kelly in real life has a better chance of happening than Knox getting over with the fans. I think his heel push would seem a lot more legit (like that for irony?) and fresh if he hadn't wasted away in ECW forever before disappearing and resurfacing.... on the same brand.... as this unstoppable force. What was done to alter his appearance? He grew out a mangy beard? Wow I'm captivated. Why not keep him down in the farm system and let him improve before making the official call up? Now it just feels forced and his lame personality and moveset is still fresh in everyone's minds.
I don't even know what his finisher is! Well frankly I don't care but you get what I'm saying. When I think of Mike Knox, the first memory that comes to mind is him being eliminated by Shawn Michaels at the 2006 Survivor Series in the first ten seconds of the match. And this Mysterio bullying nonsense is equally pathetic. Let me share a little spoiler with you. Knox ambushes and attacks for a few more weeks. Rey Rey gets even at the Royal Rumble by eliminating Knox. An enraged Knox beats up on Mysterio for a few more weeks until Rey Rey exacts revenge at No Way Out by slaying the warrior. End of spoiler. Does that sound like thrilling television? Of course it doesn't! Mike Knox is doomed to fail. He just doesn't have 'it'. I bet he won't even be on the card for WrestleMania 25. But if I'm wrong and we have to sit through a Cena/Knox program for the World Heavyweight Title, I'll kill someone and make it look like an accident.
Festus
WWE Tenure: (2006, 2007-present)
Accomplishments: Defeated Kane in his debut match... although that feud flopped severely
Most Likely To: Go deaf by WrestleMania 30
Like many, I really never warmed up to the whole bell dependant gimmick. It's lame, cheesy and requires an imagination I haven't had since my older cousin told me the mystique behind Santa Claus was a crock of shit. Odds are you don't care that much for Festus and there's a reason for that. You don't hate him but you probably don't spend your Friday nights marking up and down for him either. The gimmick is childish and holds Festus back from working up the ladder towards title contention. Now Jesse & Festus are relatively new and have only been with the company for a year and a half so it's normal to break them in so to speak. But I'm pretty sure most remember Festus mainly for his impersonation of Kane back in 2006. Where the WWE was going with that feud I'll never really know because it went absolutely nowhere and the fans shit all over it. The impersonator was never revealed on television although the real Kane told us numerous times that he knew who the phony was.
And of all the times to run such an angle, it came smack dab in the middle of the ECW rebirth so most fans cared even less. Festus is surprisingly agile for his size and hopefully it isn't too long before he's freed of the Buh Buh Ray Dudley speech impediment. Too bad the Oddities stable isn't still around because Festus would fit right in. It's yet to be seen what kind of promo skills he possesses but he's young and moves around the ring with ease so there's hope for him yet. Picking up a few stints as WWE Tag Team Champs with Jesse wouldn't do any harm but it'd be wise if the WWE didn't stretch it out for too long. I know some big men work best with a partner but I really believe Festus is destined for bigger and better things.
I just hope this current shtick doesn't stunt his growth with the fans as time goes on and he attempts to step up to that next level. I'm afraid poor Jesse stands little chance of surviving on his own. Who gives a fuck though, right? I sure as hell don't. He needs to stop holding Festus down and just go turn in his letter or resignation.
Vicky Guerrero
WWE Tenure: (2005-present)
Accomplishments: Brought new meaning to the words 'heel heat' / Current GM of SmackDown
Most Likely To: Botch another segment before you finish reading this column
Have you gotten your hands on any of those nudies of Vicky floating around the web? (wipes sweat from forehead) If not, what the hell are you waiting for!? Few women walk this Earth at the age of 40 looking that good. Jesus. What do you think I was doing before I wrote this column? It literally took me over ten minutes to clean off my keyboard and computer screen. After a little investigating, I've realized that I spend a lot of time chatting about Mrs. Guerrero. I've devoted one and a half columns to her during my tenure on the Main Page, I brought up Vicky several times during a recent End-of-Year Awards column I did with former Main Pager Pnk and here I am babbling about her once again. Could it be that I have some type of crush on Edge's woman? I mean it's hard not to blame me if I do. Did you catch a glimpse of those kankles and her masculine jaw structure? Mmmm. Delicious.
But I sincerely doubt I could ever truly fall for a woman with such a transexual sounding voicebox. It just kills the whole fantasy. But back to reality for a minute though. I really like how Vicky has approached and executed her character. It's no secret that her on screen skills are limited and she never stood a great chance of getting over as a heel in the first place. What was once shoved down our throats because of the Eddie misfortune is now beginning to pay off. Just look at the latest angle she's involved in. Vicky is a super bitch heel who's easily the least attractive Diva on the roster (Mae Young doesn't qualify) but she's putting herself out there in a revealing storyline. And the best part of it is her being so horrified like someone might see her naked when that's really the last thing any of us want to see. Bottom line is that she's improving steadily and keeps my Edgykins in the title picture so she's alright in my book.
The End. You know if you're lucky, I may just turn this into a trilogy. And if THAT goes over well, this could potentially become an annual tradition! Oh and I better not receive any hatemail for that last monster dammit. I honestly felt I was doing the right thing by dragging her dumpy ass into the equation. Or perhaps I ran out of people over 6 feet tall who exceed 300 pounds (although Vicky comes close in terms of weight capacity). The moral of the story here kids is that not every big oaf who comes along can wrestle and be good at it. And if history is any indication, don't expect any five star promos from the six I discussed earlier. The more big men that break into the company, the further monster wrestlers' effectiveness and reception suffers. Saying you can never have too much of a good thing is bullshit.
(sigh) So after a little hiatus, SkitteZ' Riddles is back in action. I thought after embarrassing the shit out of all you nincompoops four weeks ago, I'd give you some time to recover and heal your wounds. A month is a sufficient duration so lets jump back into it. A few months ago, fellow Main Pager XanMan told me he thought it'd be cooler if my riddles rhymed and after ignoring those sentiments for a while, I've realized his idea isn't half bad. Consider us even now bub for the edition of ETA I participated in during early December.
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I've been around for YEARS but you barely see me on TV anymore.
Perhaps one day I'll get my hands on that Canadian and settle the score.
Full of chants the crowds and viewers all repeat and adore.
I've won events, titles and my presence is too much to ignore.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
Were bills created to provide us all with constant stress and aggravation? I understand there are millions of people out there who are dealing with way worse bills and payments than I am but fuck already... we're in an economic depression! How about cutting back or sending out some more of those unlimited funds the government are hoarding? Work is slow as hell this time of the year and it's nearly impossible to find a job worth while. I'm never working in a warehouse for $8.85 ever again. I'm far from racist but illegal immigrants can have those shit jobs. Perhaps this is a sign from God that I need to get my ass back in college and do something about my current situation? I'll go back someday. Unfortunately, I'm just trying to keep up with my bills until work picks up. I just figured I would bitch about it because of my low bank account. This will be a non issue come spring time but will I survive until then? Let some IRS buffs show up looking for me. My cousin just got out of jail and he has some inner city friends who'd love to meet them. Delinquent relatives FTW.
Someone please explain to me how a team wins 19 straight games and then follows that up by losing 3 out of 4? A few minor slips may have knocked the Celtics off pace to catch the Chicago Bulls league record 72 wins during the 1995-96 season but they responded with a few tremendous beatings of the Kings and Wizards. The crazy thing is that Boston really doesn't even have any breathing room with the Cavs and Magic right behind them. I'm surprised by how many remarkable records we've seen so far this season in the NBA. And as much as I hate to say it, the Lakers look even better this year now that Andrew Bynum is healthy. I hope Los Angeles makes it all the way to the Finals again this year just so the Celtics can thrash them again and I can happily watch a dejected Kobe Bryant walk back to the locker room. Am I ruthless? Nah. Quick plug for me and Mavsy's upcoming prediction contest as well. Less than 20 days until the *cough* long awaited *cough* debut of 'FTW'!
I plug whatever rubs me the right way.
Conversations with this flamboyant young man might be a little uncomfortable at times but I truly think his columns are underrated. With all of the other great columnists currently in the CF, his work doesn't get the recognition it deserves. - Project CF X: Chop Suey
Damn this is going to be a busy month. I'll probably spend the majority of this cold dreary month typing away on this laptop because of the abundance of columns and side projects that are calling my name. Don't forget to catch the January edition of Fact or Fiction. It will be up before my next column so go read it because I know you have absolutely nothing else to do until TMR [35] arrives. And don't feel pathetic if you revolve your life around these here columns. I know I do (don't fucking laugh at me either). Did you like this dribble? Should I expect computer viruses to be sent my way in the near future? Think of something cool or smart to say and send it to (SkitzLOP@aol.com) to either boost my confidence or send me into earlier retirement. A quick glance at my calendar tells me that we're scheduled to come together again on the 18th so if you can't make it for some reason, a fruit basket would be nice. I will miss most of you dearly. Only fools wrap their tools. Later homies.
