Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [32] - A Rated R Resumè Worth Reliving
By SkittleZ
Dec 7, 2008 - 2:12:00 AM
[32] - A Rated R Resumè Worth Reliving
And the beat goes on. What's good everybody! Back to the gig that never gets old. I'm the sketchy fellow they call SkittleZ and this is Taste My Rainbow. The column that's long overdue for a makeover. That's right, people. Yours truly has whipped up some incredibly sexy new column banners that are sure to blow your minds and leave the vast majority of my readers awestruck with satisfaction. I'm not one to toot my own horn but damn I do great work. Hopefully, everyone is hanging in there. The holidays are right around the corner and I know it's about to start snowing any day now. My car's been like a fucking ice cube the last few mornings and while I don't really appreciate it, such incidents let me know that presents and free stuff are right around the corner. Which thoroughly pleases me since I need a new hubcap for my front tire and a few pivotal hygiene products. Don't look at me like that either. Conditions are scarce these days! I can't afford to get too greedy.
So it's in the books. Losing is never fun but you just have to deal with it sometimes and I will take this defeat like the bitch that I am. It really was a blast not only tallying the scores but attempting desperately to make it appear DaveyGirl cared even in the slightest about this competition. I like to think I did a pretty good job carrying the load for the better part of two years. Believe it or not, I'm such a terrible loser that I was seriously considering getting back at Davey by making a mockery of his annual WrestleMania predictions. The title would be "Stealing DaveyBoy's Thunder (Revenge Is Sweet)" or something along those lines but even with DaveyBoy's persisting, I chickened out. Maybe I served as a role model for underdogs across the world who fight the odds every single day of their lives. And showed them no matter how hard you scratch and claw, fighting the odds just isn't a smart move and will ultimately lead to devastating failure. Nonetheless, I thought I'd throw up the final scoreboard to be a good sport and show there's no hard feelings.
Armageddon is shaping up rather well given this is the time of the year WWE can slack off the most and get away with it. There is the whole Finlay & Horny versus Mark Henry & Tony Atlas bout that was announced on Tuesday at the ECW tapings but I'll leave that be for now because I honestly don't have the time nor patience. I'm a little surprised we are seeing Batista/Orton straight up as I imagined this may be a match that was saved for WrestleMania in April. A fatal four way between those two along with Cena and Jericho seemed like the most probable route up until Monday night. And speaking of the World Heavyweight Title match, I really wouldn't be shocked if Jericho upset Cena and stole the title next Sunday. Don't ask me why but I feel much more confident about Cena winning the belt at WM25 rather than walking into the event as champ and retaining. Then there's the triple threat bout for the WWE Championship. Even if he was screwed, The Game isn't winning the belt back this soon after such a lengthy title reign and the company isn't behind Jeff quite yet. You know what that means..... the Rated R Superstar will prevail!
Hmmmmmm... the Slammy Awards, eh? Wow. It's been like ages. The last one took place when I was first getting into wrestling. This reeks of big December three hour extravaganza cop out to me. The WWE may be setting up something similar at the end of every year for decades to come. I'm not really complaining. I just thought of all of the gimmicks they could have gone with, this was one of the weaker options. Sure there's the whole nostalgia factor but I shit on old school garbage like that. I am interested to see however which bout wins Match of the Year for 2008 since there's so many worthy candidates. Despite it not being the best from a quality standpoint, I can see HBK/Flair from WM24 getting the aforementioned nod. Last year, the company put on a 15th RAW Anniversary show and it turned out to be an excellent episode. Chocked full of fruity goodness from start to finish. Honestly though, a Saturday Night's Main Event would fit here perfectly in my opinion. Did they not read my SNME column from a few months ago!?
I realize this is old news by now and I think CoLd did a column recently on the subject in the Columns Forum, but what fucktards decided to fire Elijah Burke? And more importantly, who's responsible for never doing anything with him on a brand which he could have easily showcased? I could have sworn it was Vinnie Mac himself standing in the ring with Burke a year and a half ago boasting about how the former pro kick boxer was the future of the company. Great going guys! You really dropped the ball on that one. Burke is an outstanding talent with some innovative offensive and good charisma. It's a shame the WWE didn't see that as the highest Burke ever reached was an ECW Title bout. First off, I don't want to hear shit about not having anything for Burke creatively on ECW. That's why you stick him on another show for crying out loud! He would have done just fine on RAW where I can't envision him being any less than a solid midcarder. Why the company continues to hype and promote talents only to drop everything and move on a couple months later is beyond me.
We continue the African American theme with none other than R-Truth (or Ron Killings as known to most). I have to say I really don't care for the guy all that much. I didn't watch him in TNA but I still can vividly remember his antics with the Road Dogg back in the Attitude Era before ole R-Dizzle got busted for drugs. Not only does R-Truth look like Kofi Kingston on steroids but he ripped off Cryme Tyme's little microphone bit just to get himself ahead in life. And he keeps jobbing to Shelton Benjamin. Are those sorts of losses supposed to boost his morale or is he actually going to win the fucking United States Championship before I turn 40!? His booking so far has been lame and what can I say.... he just doesn't do it for me. I guess I should be happy SmackDown has another midcard wrestler? Yay? Truth needs to turn heel and go ambush Jeff Hardy or Helms. Impress me. Amaze me. Catch my interest. Please do something to show you're worth my time.
Now a few of you out there may not be aware of this but Edge is my undisputed favorite wrestler. It's just a fact. I mark hard for Adam Copeland and there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change that. From his excellent mic skills to his stellar matches, Edge is pure awesomeness 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. Much like Degen did recently, I've decided to kneel down and kiss my favorite wrestler's ass to show him some appreciation. What follows is a comprehensive look at the Ultimate Opportunist at his absolute best. Using the unfair resources around him to get ahead in life (a quality we both share). I don't care if he's shacked up with another man's women or tongues down Vicky every Friday night on SmackDown. Edge will go down in history as one of the WWE's all time greats and I'm going to list a few reasons why. If you despise Edge like I know many of you do, this would probably be a good time to hit the back button or the X on the top right corner of your computer screen.
6. Edge Capitalizes During Three Way Bout Versus John Cena And RVD
*** July 2006 Episode of RAW ***
While it's truly unfortunate that an Edge match has to be last on any list, we must begin somewhere. Easily the least captivating of Copeland's six opportunistic title wins. If you recall, Edge was given all of three weeks to celebrate his first WWE Championship before he was forced to job to Cena (a recurring theme in 2006 and early '07). An intense feud with the "Hardcore Legend" Mick Foley would preoccupy Edge for the next several months but his moment of glory would come during the middle of summer thanks to RVD's Mile High road trip with Sabu. The often dim-witted Van Dam was pulled over for excessive speeding and charged with possession of marijuana. With a 30-day suspension looming in the background and bad press aplenty, the company scrambled to get both the WWE and ECW Titles off of RVD as quickly as possible. Some still feel that Rob was treated a bit harsh for his fuck up but those are probably biased ECW fans. He put the company in a bad spot and like anyone else, he was expected to start from scratch once he returned. See Jeff Hardy for Exhibit A.
Practically out of nowhere, a triple threat match between Van Dam, Edge and Cena for the WWE Championship was booked for RAW. In what I believe was one of the best televised matches of 2006 (wasn't exactly a huge selection to pick from), all three men worked well together and often had the crowd on their feet for large portions of the match. Edge was down at ringside while Cena and RVD went back and forth between the ropes. Cena would eventually hit the FU on RVD but spun around afterwards and thanks to the no disqualification stipulation, the Rated R Superstar nailed him across the forehead with the title belt. Edge quickly covered Van Dam to steal the gold and fleeted up the ramp with Lita. Copeland's second title reign of the year was his best work in 2006 by far. He would hold the belt for two and a half months before dropping it to Cena in a classic TLC bout at Unforgiven. As great as it would have been to see Edge's reign last a couple months longer, I understand why the company flipped the switch when they did. So many fans were buying into the possibility of Cena losing the TLC match and thus switching back to the SmackDown brand as a consequence. Copeland may have lost but he carried Cena in that match, took the big bumps and pleased his hometown (except for the whole losing part of course).
5. Edge Uses The Strength Of Three Men To Upset The Undertaker And Batista
*** Armageddon 2007 ***
I still remember watching this match last winter and being confused as fuck during the closing minutes. Like completely baffled. I even remember going through an "oh now these bastards are trying to rip off some lame ass TNA shit" moment when multiples of Edge appeared on my television screen. Then you had the fact that it was a triple threat contest so while Edge clones are popping up left and right at ringside, the cameras are attempting to follow Batista and Undertaker trading big blows and it made for one big clusterfuck. I also think they somehow botched a spot somewhere as one of the Edge's never even got involved or played a part in the match. We also never got a clean shot of the second or third Edge so you couldn't figure out who the copycats were. And I know there's those out there who will stand up and claim they recognized the duo. Hey more power to ya. But the Major Brothers weren't exactly tearing up the tag team division at the time so please excuse my lack of wrestling knowledge. It was good to see the WWE actually make some use out of the two since I assumed the Majors would be a shoe-in for spring cleaning unemployment.
Edge wasn't in the ring or even near the action for most of the match. Instead, he chose to employ the hit and run strategy and it appeared to work for him in the early going. As finishers and set-up moves were exchanged between the three men, Copeland was knocked out of the ring and stayed down for a considerable amount of time. Next thing I know, there's another Edge laid out on the ground and the real Edge is peeking under the ring looking for something. I have the DVD and have since went back and investigated. The Rated R Superstar is unmistakably calling for someone and searching intently. The decoy Edge tries to attack Taker but pays for it with a chokeslam. The camera zooms back to ringside and there's ANOTHER Edge playing unconscious at ringside. This dummy wouldn't come in to play and now that I've had time to ponder the situation, I wonder if that Edge was used to distract Taker and Bats so Copeland could sneak up from behind. The Deadman had the match won after planting the Animal with a tombstone but Edge flew in to nail Taker twice with a chair before covering Batista to capture the World Heavyweight Championship. LoL @ the Major Brothers' hand drawn arm tattoos. My eight year old cousin is more artistically gifted then those two faggots.
4. Edge And La Familia Retire The Undertaker In A High Stakes Tables Ladders And Chairs Match
*** One Night Stand 2008 ***
It was about damn time Edge finally defeated Taker one on one! No matter how good the matches were, I was never fully satisfied with this feud and my expectations may have been too high heading into WrestleMania 24. Fans and marks across the globe had been anticipating this bout up to a year before it finally ended up taking place. The storylines prior to WM24 weren't all that great and the whole Vicky crap bogged down what should have rightfully been an epic rivalry. But above all else, Copeland was suddenly diagnosed with jobber syndrome as he lost World Heavyweight Championship matches against the Deadman at three consecutive pay per views. Even with the odds in Edge's favor, he failed to seal the deal on several occasions and that hurt him a little overall. And lets just skip over Hell in a Cell and act like that massacre was all a bad dream. In 2008, The Phenom won four out of five high profile matches with the Rated R Superstar and that statistic still doesn't sit well with me to this day.
Fortunately, the one win Edge managed was enough keep me happy, retire Undertaker and land the belt back around Copeland's thin waist. At One Night Stand, La Familia actually came in useful by hitting the ring once Taker had victory in his grasp and taking it to the Deadman. Fast forward a few moments and Edge sent The Phenom flying off a ladder and through four stacked tables before pulling down the World Title and celebrating like an athlete of his stature should. The aspect I loved most regarding this match was the shock factor. No spoilers indicated Taker's title reign being a short one and given the stipulation put forth by Vicky Guerrero (where The Deadman would have to leave the WWE if he lost), 99 percent of the I.W.C. confidently predicted a successful championship defense. Ah but not so fast. They even fooled me with this one! Honestly, I didn't think Edge would last long on top. He never does. Though once it was determined the next contender for Copeland's title was Batista.... AGAIN... I knew it was safe to put my money on Edgykins. Had I known Trips was heading to SmackDown a few weeks later, I definitely would have retained my initial hypothesis.
3. Edge Cashes In MITB Immediately After John Cena Survives The Elimination Chamber
*** New Year's Revolution 2006 ***
Everybody became an Edge fan on this night (even if it only lasted for a few hours or so). The almighty super duper Cena was screwed over royally although you couldn't tell by the fans' reaction in Buffalo, NY. Shit.... it must have been some of the best heel heat I've ever seen. And that's pretty impressive given the fact he was portraying a babyface. Cena had just escaped a grueling half hour Elimination Chamber match against the likes of Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels. The Champ had overcame the odds again (shocker there) and another fairy tale chapter was finalized. However, Mr. McMahon's music would hit and the boss would come out to inform the audience that the night was not quite over. Apparently, Edge was deciding to cash in his opportunity at that very instant and wasted no time getting in the ring and stalking the bloodied WWE Champion. Copeland took out a battered Cena with a spear but like all superheroes, The Champ still had one last burst of energy and used it to kick out of the ensuing pin attempt. Edge was in disbelief but quickly connected with a second spear to earn the three count and his first ever World Title. While The Rated R Superstar celebrated with Lita all over ringside, the crowd cheered him on like savages. Given the reception, you would have thought the pay per view was being held in Toronto.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize I was thrilled and mesmerized after that shit went down. To my dismay, it would soon become apparent that Edge's surprise win was nothing than an elaborate swerve. How do I know this information? Because Cena won the WWE Title back three fucking weeks later! Is that evidence enough!? Nonetheless, I would have ranked this contest higher if the cash in wasn't given away earlier in the show. Sometimes, writers and the Creative Team get carried away and such was on display at NYR 2006. GOOD DECISION: To throw off fans, Edge challenged Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Championship at the start of the pay per view. BAD DECISION: In the middle of the event, Lita was answering questions from Todd Grisham backstage when Edge burst into the room. Lita invited her sex boy toy to join them but Copeland declined by saying "I have bigger business to take care of." I wasn't watching wrestling at the time and therefore missed this event but I purchased the DVD later down the road. When those words left Edge's mouth, the swerve was a dead giveaway to me. What bigger business would Copeland really have? This is his job. He may have lost the IC Title match by disqualification but he got the last laugh after caving Flair's head in with the MITB briefcase. Were people automatically supposed to have Edge's looming World Championship opportunity vanish from their minds? Fucking idiots. Hand me a pen and notepad next time. I guarantee some riveting shit.
2. Edge Attacks Jeff Hardy and Takes His Spot In Triple Threat Match Against The Game And Vladimir Kozlov
*** Survivor Series 2008 ***
Rumors and reports were running rampant on the internet all day the Sunday leading up to Survivor Series. Jeff Hardy had overdosed on meth. Hobo Edge was in Boston and speculation regarding his imminent return flooded wrestling message boards nonstop. I can't remember who exactly but an LOPer mentioned a few weeks ago how Hardy being found unconscious in his hotel was done the very same week Eddie Guerrero has been described dead three years earlier. While it does make you wonder, I sincerely doubt someone would stoop that low and have to think coincidence was behind it all. Anyways, I was sure we would see Jeff finally win the big one so even after the hotel shenanigans, I knew he would make it in time for perhaps the biggest match of his career. So when J.R. explained right before the WWE Championship match that Jeff would be excluded, you can understand why I was a tad irritated. Who the fuck wants to watch a lame ass singles match between The Game and Vladimir Kozlov!? The fans shit all over the match and when all hope felt lost, the SmackDown GM showed up and announced that she would deliver a triple threat match as promised.
Vicky shouted (well more like shrieked) "He's here! He's here!" and I'm not going to lie.... my adrenaline was pumping mad crazy. I snapped back into reality all of a sudden and knew that if Vicky Guerrero was happy, it couldn't be good. For some reason, I didn't connect it right off the bat. I shook my head in disgust as I had a few seconds where I expected Big Show to pop out but to no avail. A grimy Edge appeared and I just about creamed myself. Before Edge could pick up the scraps, Jeff Hardy hit the ring and accidentally took out H with a chair (Kozlov got it too). The Rated R Superstar was just one move ahead and blindsided Hardy with a spear. Copeland crawled over and covered The Game to steal another WWE Championship. Yes we were subjected to a God awful borefest but it was all worth it in the end. I didn't think Edge would be back until the Royal Rumble so to see him return abruptly on such a big stage and walk out as champ is enough to make any Edge mark wet their bed sheets. Plus, the company reiterated his whole "Ultimate Opportunist" gimmick just in case anyone had forgotten.
1. Edge Cases In MITB Following Taker/Batista Steel Cage Match
*** May 2007 Episode of SmackDown ***
Pure sweetness right here. Don't give me any shit about the segment being overbooked either. Barely anyone saw this coming including myself. I knew Copeland would cash in his MITB opportunity and win like he always does but not the very next day. Kennedy won the MITB ladder match at WrestleMania 23 and was building steam in the following months when he sustained a nagging injury that required medical attention. Although Kennedy could have easily been out of action for a few months without missing too much, the WWE ruled that they needed to take a different route and therefore scheduled him to drop his opportunity before cashing it in. But to whom? Psh! Who else than my boy, Edge!? Being the sneaky bastard he is, Edge goaded an already-injured Kennedy into putting his MITB briefcase on the line against The Rated R Superstar on a May episode of RAW. Copeland was all business and pinned Kennedy following a spear just moments after the bell had rung! Just like that, Edge was the first ever two time MITB winner and Kenneth was off to the dentist's office. Right about 24 hours later, The Undertaker retained the World Heavyweight Title against Batista in a steel cage match after the bout resulted in a tie. A weakened Deadman was then pummeled by the returning Mark Henry and left nearly motionless in the ring. Edge's music hit and the crowd went fucking bonkers as he stormed to the ring, drilled Taker with a spear and covered him to become World Heavyweight Champion.
Undertaker couldn't complain about the finish. It was booked extremely realistic. Who wouldn't be physically spent after a 27-minute steel cage match with Bats followed by a Mark Henry beat down? The biggest positive to take away from it all other than Edge winning the belt was that he was now exclusive to the blue brand. Copeland had no fucking chance to capture the WWE Championship on RAW with guys like Orton, HBK and Cena dominating the title scene. With the jump to SmackDown, The Rated R Superstar was given free reign and carried the show up until his pectoral injury in July of 2007. Just when it seemed Edge was months and months away from another title reign, an unfortunate event goes down and he's the guy chosen to fill the void. The only part that sucked was it all went down at the SmackDown tapings so everyone had to wait three whole days to watch it unfold and they have these nifty things called spoilers these days. On the bright side, the event forced me to watch SmackDown when for a good while, there really was no reason to. When I think of this moment, the image of Edge marching down to the ring and taking care of business is what stands out in my mind. Even his haters should be thankful and bow down. Copeland pumped new life into SmackDown when the show was lacking depth and consistency. We're blessed to have him in our lives.
The answer to my riddle from TMR [31] was indeed "JBL". Yes I know.... it was a basic and easy riddle. Sue me. I was tired and clearly not thinking straight. However I've gathered my second wind and you bastards are about to pay the price for taking advantage of The Candyman. All I try to do is hand out unlabeled candy and appease the masses with fun happy riddles and you just take advantage of me. That 72% Correct Guess Ratio is going out the window and you can expect said percentage to come tumbling down with this little teaser I've cooked up.
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We can somehow relate to an iconic female music singer.
You could say the two of us stood out in a crowd.
One of us stuck around the WWE a few years longer than the other.
Today's young wrestling fans may still remember us vaguely.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
As I'm sure Mavsy will too, I'll plug this shit up until the big kick off. Me and my buddy from the Columns Forum, Mavsman, will be venturing out on a new project titled "For The Win" come late January. Concept wise, it really isn't anything elaborate. Another pay per view prediction contest is on the horizon. After a second ass beating by DaveyBoy, I figured it may be time to switch gears a bit. Throughout 2009, the two of us will make our predictions and battle for the lead as the months carry on. We're beginning with the Royal Rumble and FTW will be posted the Friday before each pay per view. Simple enough shit. Me and Mavsy will also chatter about sports news and highlights as well. The road for me won't be easy either as I think Mavsman is currently holds first place in the LOP's year long prediction contest. Still, his chances are pretty slim. He's going up against a man with several strengths and very few weaknesses.
Ugh. Where to start? My Phoenix Suns just finished up a rough stretch where they lost four games in a row. Good news is they got back on track last night with a solid home win over the Utah Jazz. It's difficult to jump for joy when I see such gaping flaws in the Suns game plan. Besides, the Jazz may be a remarkable home team but they suck dick on the road so how big of a win was it really? Hey whatever. In professional sports, a win is a win. Stoudemire has been his beastly self so far this season but it looks like Nash has lost a step in his game. And how about them Boston Celtics? They're destroying the opposition like the competition is straight NBDL teams. Last time I checked, Boston is 19-2! Looks like KG, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen wouldn't mind back to back titles. But seriously, what was up with "Baby Shaq" (how aptly named) Glen Davis blubbering like a bitch on Friday night vs. the Blazers? He's over there throwing a temper tantrum and whipping around his towel like a total pussy. The dude is massive too which only makes the entire scene that much more pathetic. Eh... I always thought he sucked anyway. Ever since his LSU Tigers beat my Dukies in the NCAA Tournament a few years back. Grudges die hard, slut!
Plug me one more time and I'm telling Mom.
My favorite dude from Arkansas is back in the lab again and has cooked up a nice read about the greatest wrestler in the entire world. - Blood Chronicles I-VII with a Really Long Title
No he didn't pay me off this time (which is unfortunate because I could use some money). Perhaps Mavsman's best column to date. - Nothing But Net #8: A Moment in Time
The first Dolph Ziggler column has been sighted! And you know what? To my astonishment, it was pretty fucking good. - Some Strangeness in the Proportion IV: Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here Edition
Bingo. This means it's time to hug, say our goodbyes and pretend this never happened. But before we do that, I have some exciting news. My next column is going to be a fucking whopper of a read. I'm bringing in (count 'em) 25 individuals for my next column as they'll all be giving out their Christmas lists to the public. Please don't hold me accountable for anything these shmucks say as I'm simply going to be copying and pasting like a mad man with no conscience. So yeah... keep a look out for that momma jamma. We're not done here just yet though. If I've hurt your feelings or offended your religion, please alert me by email immediately. I can be reached at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) if you've got something to add to the conversation. I've gotta bounce for now but bet your bottom dollar I'll be back in no time. Fourteen days to be exact. If there's an emergency before then, please make sure to leave me alone and bug someone else about it. I could really care less as long as it doesn't concern me or my well-being. Understood? Lovely. Catch you later, homies.
