Posted in: Taste My Rainbow TMR [36] - Humbled By The Horribly Hostile Half Humans
By SkittleZ
Feb 1, 2009 - 1:18:21 AM
[36] - Humbled By The Horribly Hostile Half Humans
Holy sugar rush! I have some dreadful news my Fruity Followers... The Candyman is in grave danger. You see after a few heartfelt conversations with my pal JoeyShinobi, it has been brought to my attention that I have some horrible eating habits and could be a heart attack waiting to happen. Joey reckons I detract all the fast food and sweets from my diet and insert a fair dose of fruits and vegetables. While he's made a number of valid points and strong arguments to support his theory, I may just eventually tell him to fuck off and go eat a crepe or something. We shall see. Anyways, I'm SkittleZ and this is that sappy soap opera they call Taste My Rainbow. The column that is always sneaking in someone's back door. For those of you reading this on the Main Page, this column is actually part of a tournament called C.S.I. currently taking place in the LOP Columns Forum. We are in the Sweet 16 (third round) and I'm matched up against anonymous - some Welsh dude who runs around naked telling everyone in sight that he loves them. As for you few dozen in the CF, I say hola and step aside so I can trot unscathed to the C.S.I. Finals!
Could Goldust's 23rd stint with the WWE actually be a success!? Though most have come to know me as a pathological liar, I must say that I figured the Gold One's recent return to the company would be another in a long line of failures. Some would argue that the bulk of his career has been a waste. I just wonder what plans the Creative Staff have for Rhodes as we've seen him more in backstage segments than inside the ring. Almost like a Santino-esque approach but as a flamboyant babyface. I kind of dig it though. Goldust isn't in the best shape and his wrestling abilities have greatly diminished over the last decade. I didn't even need to watch TNA to know his Black Rust (was that the name of it?) gimmick would fall short of even the smallest of expectations. Goldie's current role works well with his character and using him in a Ron Simmons kind of fashion may be the best way to go. Realizing your brother is destined to be far better than you must be fucking depressing however.
Might as well chop up the Manu/Snuka tandem and serve them in a deep fried Samoan dish. My ass has been writing columns for nearly two years and I still haven't learned a damn thing. So much for my prediction of Manu and Snuka teaming up and heading to SmackDown as a duo to be reckoned with. I've found that me and predictions don't get along too well (see DaveyBoy). Hell I wouldn't be shocked one bit if they're both released before No Way Out. Snuka's swift removal from The Legacy makes sense because he just doesn't fit in but I liked Manu and felt like he never really got a chance to show his stuff (no homo?). Hate to see a talented dude like Manu get the shaft but that's the nature of the business. Perhaps they can team him up with Umaga as as second generation version of the Wild Samoans! Nah just kidding. The Samoan Bulldozer can't take the chance of becoming any bigger of a laughing stock than he already has since 2007. Plus, he would eat Manu for an after dinner snack.
Is one final burst of Stratusfaction inevitable!? Retired WWE Diva Trish Stratus recently said the following during an interview with SLAM! Wrestling: "I would definitely like the chance to finish off what I started with Beth in a one-on-one scenario," Stratus said. "No tagging out, no Santino shenanigans, just one dominant female against the other." I swear this may be the only Divas match possible with both opponents clothed that could make a dude blow his wad. Fuck the Women's and Divas Championships. Who honestly cares about those!? I sure as hell don't! Witnessing Trish versus Beth one on one is a dream bout come true and would easily be the most anticipated (maybe the only) womens match of all time. Call me a fucking genius but I cannot think of a better time to make it happen than April 5th in Houston, Texas. I wouldn't even care who won the damn match although a Stratus victory would make for an excellent comeback story.
Shane O Mac is lacking in the performance department if you get my drift. Ugh. I try to be open minded and positive when it comes to WWE as a whole but the ending to RAW last Monday was worse than a severe case of diarrhea after a midnight visit to El Burrito Loco. Shane showing up to save the day and taking on The Legacy all by his lonesome didn't suspend my belief.... it was fucking ridiculous! Not only did Shane manage to break free of Rhodes and Dibiase a handful of times to pummel Orton but those were a dozen of the most God awful punches I've ever seen a professional wrestler throw. We all know wrestling is fake dammit but it ain't helping the cause when Shane O is whiffing swing after swing and Orton is selling them like Big Show haymakers. Anyone think the Legend Killer may be stripped of his WrestleMania title shot by the McMahons? Because I kinda feel we're heading that way.
What is it particularly that forces diehard wrestling junkies like ourselves to not give a flying fuck about referees? Because lets face facts.... the disparity between CM Punk getting the boot and Marty Elias is borderline ridiculous. If Cookie Monster suddenly lost his job, fans and marks alike would bitch and moan five months from now. And as for some random Hispanic official? The shit would be yesterday's news within five hours. I mean what does it tell you when onlookers eagerly anticipate a ref nearly being hospitalized by a stiff boot to the face or a crushing chair shot to the cranium? We as men love witnessing violent acts on helpless individuals so save that lecture for another time and place. I think the most accurate conclusion is to compare referees to the general jobber. The connections between them are seemingly endless and as we've all learned from experience, being linked to any kind of jobber isn't exactly flattering.
Each does such a spectacular job of laying low and nailing the basics that fans don't pay them any attention unless they fuck something up. Who the hell couldn't do an officials job? Their duties include slapping the mat three times, counting to ten, disqualifying heel wrestlers, occasionally taking a bump, constantly being out of position to make the correct judgment call and that's about it. Riveting stuff that is right there. Pathetic to the point that if any WWE ref brought his son along to the arena for "Take Your Kid To Work Day", he'd be more inclined than ever to go home and commit suicide.
Little Boy: "Daddy look! It's Randy Orton! Yay!!!"
Mike Chioda: "Oh... hey Randy. How's your old man?"
Randy Orton: "Yo can you control your kid for two seconds, Chioda. He smeared my body oil and now I have to run back by fucking makeup before my promo."
Mike Chioda: "I apologize but you're his favorite wrestler. And please don't curse in front of the kid. He's only eight years old."
Randy Orton: "Like it makes a difference. Chicks are on the pill by middle school these days, old timer."
Mike Chioda: "Jesus dude. Take it easy on the kids' ears. He repeats everything he hears."
Little Boy: "You're awesome, Mr. Orton. I have your poster at home but Daddy says we have to wait until his next paycheck for the thumbtacks so I can hang it up on my wall."
Mike Chioda: "We'll probably be going with Scotch tape instead, Billy. February is a short month."
Randy Orton: "Man the company pays you zebras like horse shit. Anyways, I gotta run. A little behind schedule because of your little prick sticking his hands where they don't belong. Don't forget either... tonight Cena is supposed to move out of the way so you can take the punt to the face. Vince wants it to look authentic for HD so I'm coming with one hundred percent force."
Such is life for the man behind the black and white stripes (or at least that's how I picture it happening). Things don't get any easier when it comes to upper management either. The Vince McMahon we see on television every week is a facade but certain characteristics of his do not vary much between his kayfabe and real life personas. While Vinnie Mac is said to be a humble and kind individual, it is no secret the Chairman will do whatever it takes for his business to remain a thriving success. Hence his overbearing grip on the company and always expecting perfection from all parties involved. Now that obviously goes for the referees also even if they only play a minor real in the big picture we see displayed on our tv screens every week.
Despite a handful of WWE officials who are long tenured, zebras are essentially a dime a dozen. Their lack of character, charisma and overall entertainment does little to endear them to fans. It's downright ironic how overlooked referees are when the decision of every match is in their hands. Yet even the one aspect which directs focus to them has become rather worthless with all of the reverse decisions, favoring and dirty tactics that we see in wrestling nowadays. And unlike wrestlers, referees aren't allowed to compete in high profile bouts or partake in captivating storylines. They always follow the same routine just like a mail man or any other 9 to 5 job. So naturally, WWE officials often go unnoticed and uncared for. The little people in this line of work if you will.
Speaking of short bastards, Hornswoggle didn't receive much credit or praise at all for his masterful work in the illegitimate son storyline which ran from the second half of 2007 up until WrestleMania 24. While the angle stuttered and ultimately flopped, Horny continued to make that slouch Finlay look good by pumping a rush of adrenaline into the duo's matches. In fact he did such an impressive job of getting Finlay over as a babyface, it almost doesn't seem fathomable that they could be from the same gene pool (please discount the striking resemblance). Well come to find out, Hornswoggle is not Finlay's son. Quite the swerve, huh? As strange as it sounds, Mr. McMahon actually IS the father of Horny. Where does Finlay factor into the equation you ask? His biological son is none other than Colin Delaney. From what I've gathered, Finlay got wind of the companies' plans to release young Colin and after some heated threats and ultimatums, Vince decided to place Finlay in a big time storyline heading into WrestleMania out of fear WWE would lose one of its hardest workers and best agents.
With more and more media outlets picking up on the illegitimacy angle, Vince began to worry that one of his many enemies would research extensively and find proof that Hornswoggle was technically his son from a previous relationship so McMahon balked on the angle. JBL was brought in as a shitty substitute but the storyline could not be salvaged. Vince may have dodged the bullet of honesty but he then had to concern himself with tending to his dwarfed son and he felt the best way to do so was give Stephanie some bullshit excuse not to fire Horny (to keep her from getting suspicious). When Hornswoggle initially popped up out of nowhere a few years ago, Mr. McMahon figured he'd keep Horny from talking by hiring him on as a wrestling sideshow and spending 'quality time' with his illegitimate son. As time progressed however, Vince started taking a liking to Horny as he witnessed the tremendous reactions he would derive from live audiences. Mr. McMahon has always had a fetish for what was the hot thing in wrestling and the midget leprechaun act was no exception. To the point where he signed Hornswoggle to a contract extension for financial stability. After years of struggling to make it in life as a little person, Horny had no reason to be blue anymore.
While we're on the subject, I'm sure the majority of you remember when SmackDown referees were given solid blue shirts to wear. It all made sense logically and provided a nice difference when the company was going out if its way to make each brand unique. And then in 2006 when ECW returned as a third brand, WWE attempted to play up the dark and extreme gimmick by customizing the officials with jet black t-shirts. A subtle chance but perhaps there was an underlying theme that went undetected? Could it be that management decided their officials needed to stand out better to the audience so in a lame ass scheme to cure the problem, they decked out the refs in colorful duds? These accusations may seem a tad far fetched but if I haven't caught your interest yet, just wait until I lay some heavy fucking SPOILERS on ya. Read on... if you dare.
With SmackDown and ECW sporting new colorful attire, it only seemed appropriate that the flagship programs' referees received the same treatment. There were tentative plans during the middle of last year to switch over the RAW officials into bright red shirts to go along with the show's traditional colors. However before those plans were finalized and set into motion, a pretty significant event took place amidst the summer of 2008. To show his estranged son that he truly accepted him as part of the family, Mr. McMahon presented Hornswoggle with sole ownership of every active WWE referee as a late birthday gift. Which meant as soon as an official entered an arena until the moment they left, Chad Patton & Co. were property of Hornswoggle McMahon.
It's almost ironic how an intelligent businessman like Vince McMahon could make such a drastically foolish move. Hornswoggle was given minimal supervision and with the Daddy calling card in his back pocket as added insurance, Horny's motives altered severely over the next several months. Mr. McMahon had planned to go public with Hornswoggle's "promotion" by turning it into an on-air storyline where Horny controlled the refs who walked around in multicolored shirts to the title of "Rainbow Ring Generals". When the idea was pitched to Hornswoggle, the little bastard quickly gave the proposal a thumbs down as he wanted no part of anything that would ruin his nonstop fun.
Horny was a complete dick (though chode may be more appropriate here) to every WWE official as he basically treated them as his own personal slaves. How do you explain so many referees walking out lately? Those were no random firings my friends. The company didn't want to look like idiots so they covered up the loss of Jimmy Kordeas and others by passing it off as a cost cutting measure. What had really transpired is a few officials simply couldn't take the fucked up working conditions any longer and walked out on the company when nothing was done about it. As time progressed, Hornswoggle's behavior has come into question on multiple occasions given the outrageous pictures which have surfaced on the internet and in tabloids across the country. I even managed to get my hands on photos of Hornswoggle McMahon acting reckless at a New Orleans nightclub in early January...
Feeling nauseous yet? Well cozy up to a bucket or nearby toilet because it's about to get much more sickening. Hornswoggle just so happens to be good friends with The Roloffs. For you foreigners who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, they're a dwarf family which have their own television show called Little People, Big World. The premise of the show chronicles the lives of an average American household which is consists mainly of midgets. As you would expect, they are big advocates of little people equality and all that hogwash (especially the parents Matt & Amy). The Roloffs have been all over the country and thus met dozens of midget celebrities over the years. And guess who's on that long list? Mmmhhmm... Hornswoggle! He and the Roloffs quickly became good friends and with Horny being so young and clueless, he allowed Matt & Amy to get in his ear. With Daddy Vince off running a multi million dollar corporation and nobody else to tell him otherwise, Hornswoggle was brainwashed and sent out to do their dirty work! Matt Roloff is a smart businessman and he knows how influenced the public is by professional wrestling. Bitter little ankle biters like Matt and Amy Roloff are pissed off at the world for the handicaps put on little people. Over the years, the WWE has been one of the main sources of midget cruelty in the United States. Don't think vile little bastards such as The Roloffs didn't pick up on the trend. WWE was giving them a bad name and The Roloffs sought revenge for years.
So when Hornswoggle met up with The Roloffs for dinner last time the WWE visited Oregon and they were informed of Horny's new promotional powers, those deformed stumps convinced the midget formerly known as Little Bastard to exact revenge for centuries of wrongdoing by punishing WWE's little people - The Referees!!! Now how disturbing is that nugget of information? We as normal human beings are polite enough to let these dwarfs roam our land and they draw up convoluted plans to make us pay for doing absolutely nothing wrong!? Blasphemy! And the saddest part is poor Hornswoggle isn't even the biggest victim here. Referees may not tickle anyone's fancy but they are simply guys who were too tiny to make it in pro wrestling trying to make an honest living. Then there's these vertically challenged fuckers taking out their ill advised frustrations on innocent WWE officials!? The Roloffs have already ruined the lives of Hornswoggle and Marty Elias.... who's next? How many more average sized people must suffer before justice is served!? Oh and if a visual would help you out right about now, here's a picture of the little mutants. What a bunch of lengthless rejects. If I ever get my hands on any of them, all their nightmares will become a reality since I could use some Oompa-Loompas for that candy factory I've been wanting to erect in my backyard.
(sigh) It's certainly a lot to digest mentally in one sitting. I found this completely mind boggling as well. While I'd love to take full credit for breaking this story, I couldn't have done it without the help or perseverance of one man. This gentleman was kind enough to take me under his wing and unveil an abundance of I.W.C. data to yours truly that 99% of wrestling marks never knew existed. I guess its just part of his selfless nature. I can't stress enough how tremendously grateful I am to Dave Meltzer. His emails of encouragement have really inspired me and I wouldn't trade the friendship we've forged for anything. David introduced himself almost immediately after I joined the Main Page last June and it's got to the point now where I can always rely on him to come through with the most legit news and rumors on the net. Thanks again DM!
The answer to TMR [35] was indeed "The Brian Kendrick". Oh fudge... A 75% Correct Guess Ratio isn't much to brag about but I suppose everyone is human. The great thing about this gig is I get the opportunity to right myself every other week so I think a bit of payback is in order. I've really grown to appreciate Xan's suggestion of making my riddles rhyme as it's brought me back in touch with my superb freestyle abilities.
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He was once with a group of young high flying fools.
His character was later energetic and simply ruled.
Just when people began taking him seriously, he cooled.
Now he's trying to prevent becoming a midcard tool.
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Think you know the answer? Give it some thought and guess away. If you answer incorrectly, I'll laugh and poke fun at your severe lack of intelligence. Get it right however and earn the right to... oh who am I kidding? You'll win nothing and like it! NO ONE will solve my masterful riddle. I will reveal the answer in my next column.
You know how I'm divorced and all alone? Well not anymore! Thanks to a good friend of mine and the awesome availability of Singlesnet.com, I've now got three new women in my life! I met this chick named Simone the other night as we share friends and all went to the movies as a group. I call her Simona Lisa for shits and giggles. She's 18, goes to school on Long Island in New York and has enormous boobs! I held a few makeout sessions with her in my bedroom last weekend. We then move on to Melissa. A short 19 year old Jewish chick who I've formed an intense cellphone texting relationship with although she seems hesitant to hang out so I often worry she might be a middle aged male. Then lastly, we have Caitlin. An 18 year old pretty brunette with stunning blue eyes. Unfortunately, she stands at 6'1" so not only would the behemoth tower over me but I'd have to worry about passerby staring at us funny on the streets. I hope to have an update on my latest love triangle some time in the near future.
How bout those Phoenix Suns? Eh... I don't really wanna discuss it. Talk about the Celtics getting back on track. Boston has won ten straight in impressive style and appear to be gearing up for the best record in the NBA as well as another world championship. When I sit down and watch Kevin Garnett & Co., they possess such amazing team chemistry and play full throttle from start to finish. Hard to beat a group who seem to do everything right. You should always keep an eye on the Spurs though. One of those teams you can never count out despite the odds. San Antonio stumbled out of the gate due to key injuries to top stars Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli. However the two returned to action in late December and the Spurs seem back to playing their physically intimidating brand of basketball. With that being said, I really do wish death on the whole team (including the head coach and his staff). Those dickwads eliminate my Suns from the postseason every fucking year!
Every established writer in LOP should be advertising this column. Trust me... what you're about to read is light years better than anything that's ever come from my fingertips. - Just Business #26 - PlanMan Laid Bare
Damn. I'm not even exhausted after that expansive journey. I could easily write five more columns in a row without a break in between... but I won't. Can't allow you bastards to get all needy or things will turn ugly real fast up in here. Just a few little reminders. During the middle of the month, keep a lookout for new editions of Fact or Fiction and For The Win. Mavsy beat the shit out of me in our Royal Rumble predictions so I'm praying that No Way Out brings me better luck. On a happier note, you can raise my spirits by sending me bucketfuls of amazing feedback! No? Well then any basic generic crap will do. All hate mail can be shipped to (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I'll leave them to answer when I have nothing better to do. Now that we've gotten through all the necessary nonsense, I think we should start seeing other people. Until next time, keep in mind that making love to a hole in your pillow will get you nowhere in life. Later homies!
