Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [66] - !@#$%^&*: Lost Episode .01
By SkittleZ
Nov 29, 2009 - 9:41:36 PM
[66] - !@#$%^&*: Lost Episode .01
Who's ready for arts and crafts!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck is it time for another TMR already? Holy shit time flies by. Hello and welcome to the colorful soap opera we all follow religously - Taste My Rainbow. I'm SkittleZ and today's all about a concept I've been trying to nail down for months. Initially, this was gonna be done in unique fashion from two different perspectives however those plans were scratched due to my partner's tardiness. Fortunately, shit fell into place hence our rendezvous here today. I had actually toyed around with making this a running series back in September with the inception of the daily columns. But due to the abrupt ending to my dailies, everything was pushed way down the calendar. So here's hoping the extended delay didn't leave me with a severe case of blue balls. Depending on the upcoming schedule, there very well could be additional episodes down the road. Only one way to know for sure...
Vincent Kennedy McMahon is an entrepreneur who's never aimed to coast on his reputation. If there's an opportunity to expand his business, you better believe Vinnie Mac would pounce on it in a heartbeat. Take the XFL for example as well as WWE producing major motion films within the last few years. Both have resulted in less than impressive numbers however it's the effort that counts, right? Well in early 2006, Mr. McMahon signed off on a reality television program which revolved around five WWE superstars living in the same house for several months. It was basically a blatant rip-off of MTV's Real World supplemented with professional wrestlers. Unfortunately, chaos ensued and the show was cancelled after only a couple episodes were filmed. World Wrestling Entertainment attempted to cover up the whole debacle but a few tapes were salvaged and retrieved.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
CM Punk is leaning patiently against an exterior wall of a condominium in rural Iowa. He glances to his left as if expecting someone. He then looks down the right side of the street and straightens up as a white limousine pulls up in front of the buidling. A muscular tan gentleman in a suit steps out of the limo as the driver grabs his bags from the trunk. The driver places the bags on the sidewalk and the bulky figure approaches him with an extended hand.
"Thanks man. Here you go."
The well dressed gentleman turns to walk away when the driver calles out; never taking his eyes off the item in his right hand.
Driver: Excuse me, Mr. Batista!
Batista: Yeah what's up?
Driver: ... This is a condom, sir.
Batista stares into the driver's hand at the Trojan product before exchanging an uncomfortable look with Punk. The Animal reaches for his wallet.
Batista: Haha. My bad, man. Wrong pocket. I meant to hand you one of these.
Big Dave handed the driver a one dollar bill. The driver met him with an expression of bewilderment.
Driver: How generous...
The driver glared back at Batista much like a serial killer would before slaughtering some unsuspecting victim. He retreated to the limo however and Bats gestured towards Punk.
Batista: Hey dude. Nice to meet you. Put 'er there.
Punk reached out to shake hands with him but Batista pulled his arm away quickly.
Batista: Ha! Too slow. Where the hell is the bar? And who the fuck are you?
CM Punk: I'm Phil Brooks. But most around the wrestling world know me as CM Punk.
Batista: Oh cool. What's the 'CM' stand for?
CM Punk: Cookie Monster believe it or not.
Batista: Damn that's super cute. You gay?
CM Punk: What? No! Not at all. The complete opposite in fact.
Batista: Because it's totally cool with me if you're a fag. I've hit up my fair share of gay clubs before. I gotta belly button ring too if you wanna see it.
CM Punk: Yeah I think I'll pass on the body jewelry.
"Nonsense! Whip that bad boy out and lets have a look at him."
A bizarre individual clad in black and gold from head to toe had suddenly appeared. A beefy man with blonde spiky hair accompanied him.
Batista: Goldust and Test!? Holy shit. I guess they'll invite just about anyone to this clusterfuck.
Goldust: Darn tootin'! Andrew and I almost missed our connecting flight in Miami. We were vacationing in Barbados. God is it a magnificent sight this time of the year.
Test: Sure was. I must have caught something though while we were down there. My throat is killing me.
Goldust: I doubt it, Andrew. That amazing mouth sex I gave you last night is most likely the cause of your aching esophagus. Remind me to book you a doctor's appointment in the morning.
Batista: Whoa now. I can only take so much homo shit while sober. Where'd you say the bar was, Cookie Monster?
CM Punk: I believe it's on the second floor at the very end of the hallway. Take a left when you reach the top of the stairs.
Batista: Well pour me some shots dammit! You lead the way. I'll call up a few chicks I know from an escort serv... er the northern side of the city.
CM Punk: Nah you go ahead. I don't believe in alcohol to make me happy. I live a straightedge lifestyle which means no intoxication and no hallucination.
Batista: And no fun. Fuck dude you gotta live a little. So you don't smoke either? Because I was definitely counting on you to provide the marijuana.
CM Punk: Nope the stuff isn't for me. Getting high on drugs is a waste of time. I prefer to get high on life instead.
Goldust: LAME. You're missing out, cupcake. Come now Batista. Andrew & I will help you find the bubbly. And we'll see just how much of an Animal you really are.
Batista: Now that's what I'm talking about! You guys aren't half bad. C'mon... I'll arm wrestle you for the biggest bedroom.
All three men shuffled through the front door as Punk surveyed cautiously.
CM Punk: You guys go ahead. While I don't condone what you're about to do, everyone is free to make their own decisions. I'm gonna wait out here to greet the last member of the house.
Silence engulfed the street except for a passing car every few seconds. Punk rested his eyes and listened to the vehicles speed by. He was replaying the days' events in his head when a car horn and screeching tires jolted him out of the trance. Punk could hardly believe his eyes. Someone with a parachute had landed in the middle of the road and a cab swerved out of the way to avoid hitting the person. Punk's jaw dropped as he realized the individual was the fifth and final member of the house - Jeff Hardy.
CM Punk: Yo Jeff! Over here!
Hardy acknowledged him and bundled up the parachute before stuffing it in a backpack. Jeff then jogged across the street without checking for traffic.
Jeff Hardy: Heh rough landing there. It's Punk, right? Nice meeting you, man. I saw some of your stuff in Ring of Honor. Awesome work.
CM Punk: Dude! What was with the daredevil act??? You could have died! That cab nearly splattered your guts across the asphalt.
Jeff Hardy: Oh man I just had this huge urge to skydive today. What better way to drop in? Besides, I live for the moment! Nah... I live IN THE MOMENT!
CM Punk: Yeah well living in the moment is going to get you killed, kamikaze.
Jeff Hardy: Nah that's the kind of attitude which is preventing you from living life to the fullest.
CM Punk: Don't try and tell me how to live my life, pothead!
Jeff Hardy: Alright chill man. But does this mean no huka?
CM Punk: (sigh) I'm going inside. Please don't follow me.
Punk enters the upstairs lounge where the bar is located to discover Goldust taking jello shots off of Test's stomach. He shook his head at the homo-erotic act being displayed and scanned the room for Batista. With no sign of Big Dave, Punk approached the bar tentatively.
Goldust: Ahoy there, Cookie Monster! Glad you could make it. Where's Jeffrey and why isn't he in here enjoying the festivities?
CM Punk: Oh he arrived a few minutes ago. Via parachute I might add. But yeah we kind of had a small dispute before coming in.
Batista: Oh so let me guess....
The Animal suddenly popped up from behind the bar sporting a tribal bandana and no shirt. He slammed two bottles of Jack Daniels on the counter and glared at Punk.
Batista: You scared Hardy away with your anti drug and alcohol campaigning? I'm beginning to lose hope for you, Cookie Monster. The straightedge stuff is bullshit! As professional athletes and celebrities, it's our job to party hardy whenever the schedule allows it. Now I don't know about you but my bicep is hurting like a teenage rape vicitm and hard liquor's the fastest way to numb the pain. So you can join if you want... or go sit in the corner like a fucking loner and hate on us for having a little fun. Your choice.
As Goldust orally removed the last jello shot from Test's chest, the steroid abuser leapt off the bar in excitement and anticipation.
Test: Okay now it's time for me to do you!
Goldust reached into a gold duffel bag next to him on the carpet and pulled out a multicolored dildo which must have been over a foot in length. He activated the vibrate function and grinned.
Goldust: Shall I start first or would you like to do the honors, Andrew?
Test: Er... I was referring to the jello shots but if you want the testicles for supper, be my guest.
Batista: Ha! Holy shit. And I do use that term loosely.
CM Punk: What the fuck!? That's taking it several steps too far, gentlemen. I'm totally NOT comfortable with this.
Batista: Whatever floats their boats I say. Or battleships depending on how hung you bastards are. Lets drink to huge cocks!
Goldust: Absolutely!
Test: Hey I'll drink to that. Even if mine have shrunk significantly because of the juice.
Batista: Knock 'em back, boys!
CM Punk: Ugh. I'm going to go read a book downstairs.
Punk left the lounge as Big Dave, Goldust & Test downed their respective shots of JD.
CM Punk's fast asleep on the sofa with a copy of Sobriety for DUMMIES laying open across his chest. Out of nowhere, Test runs into the room with a narrow bottle and collides with the couch; flipping over the top and disappearing from view. Punk is jerked awake by the loud noise to find himself covered in alcohol. He jumps up from the sofa to examine the scene and Test rises from behind the couch looking dazed and confused. Punk's fully prepared to throw a bitch fit when he notices Test's questionable attire.
CM Punk: What the hell are you wearing, dude?
Test examines himself as if the white wedding dress and pearl earings aren't anything out of the ordinary. Then all of a sudden, semi-rational thought hits Test and he nods his head.
Test: Oh this! Yeah me and Goldust are celebrating our 4... no wait... 7 month anniversary tonight. So he asked me to grab some Bacardi from the bar. How long have you and Big Dave been together?
CM Punk: Excuse me? No fucking way, dude. I'm into women. Speaking of Batista, where is he?
Test: Not gay? Yeah right. This whole set-up is some kind of homosexual reality show. Goldie says they're gonna make us big stars.
CM Punk: That's wonderful. Congratulations. Now where's Batista?
Test: Um... last time I saw him he was out back near the pool talking to Jeff. Anyways, I'll catch up with you later. I'm running late for a ceremony.
Test hurries off towards the foyer and Punk watches in disbelief. He then heads into the kitchen and dampens a paper towel to wipe the rum off his face, chest and legs. Once he's finished, Punk steps out onto the back patio and a look of horror overtakes his face.
Batista: JUMP YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!!
Hardy is standing atop the roof of the condo which must be at least 25-30 feet above the ground. He's perched at the edge and Batista is barking orders at him; clad in only a small black speedo and holding an empty wine glass.
CM Punk: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFF! JUST COME DOWN SAFELY AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS!
Batista: NAH FUCK THAT! DO THAT FLIPPY THING YOU DO INTO THE POOL! UNLESS YOU'RE A CUNT WITH NO NUTS!
CM Punk: DON'T GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE, JEFF! YOU'RE ABOVE THAT!
Jeff Hardy: THIS ISN'T ABOUT TEMPTATION OR PLEASING OTHERS! I NEED TO LET MY SOUL FREE!
CM Punk: WELL... UGH.... CAN I AT LEAST BRING YOU UP YOUR PARACHUTE FIRST?! IT WOULD PUT ME AT EASE!
It was apparent Hardy wasn't willing to negotiate as he positioned his feet at the roof's edge and stared down into the pool.
Jeff Hardy: SWANTON BOMB!
And with that, Hardy launched himself from the building. Jeff's body soared through the air and somersaulted into the water; his head clearing the cement by two or three feet. The Animal jumped up and down.
Batista: That's the kinda shit I'm talking about! Holy fuck that was awesome. I'd try it myself but would probably sprain a foot or pull a hamstring.
An upstairs window slid open and Rhodes stuck his head out to investigate the commotion.
Goldust: Oh my goodness. Does Jeff need a pair of floaties? I've got an extra set.
Batista: He's fine, fruitcake. Now go treat your boyfriend to an anal probe.
Goldust: A superb suggestion, Dave! Bend over and await further instruction, Andrew.
Rhodes slammed the window shut as Hardy swam to the side of the pool where Big Dave & Punk were located.
Jeff Hardy: Can someone grab me a towel?
CM Punk: You nearly gave me a freakin' heart attack dammit! Don't every pull another stunt like that again on my watch. And stop encouraging others to partake in your horrible habits, Dave. You should be ashamed.
The Animal stumbled before wrapping his arms around a light pole to prevent himself from falling down.
Batista: I'm very ashamed of my actions. So to make up for it, I......... am gonna invite over some lady friends.
Jeff Hardy: Awesome! I'll go put my face paint on.
Big Dave is laying semi-conscious on the living room couch as Punk pleads with him to drink a glass of water and hydrate. The doorbell rings and after The Animal explains to Punk that he's expecting company, the Straightedge Superstar welcomes in the guests. Two trashy middle aged women stumble through the door and almost crash into Punk. One is blonde, big chested and dressed in a tight mini skirt while the other consists of dark brown hair, a small gut, leopard print latex outfit and far too much lipstick. The blonde woman greets Punk with a plaque infested smile.
"Mmmmmm... we're here to see Big Dave. And my this is quite a place you boys have here."
Batista: Is that Candy and Marshmallow!? Drag those raging whores in here, Cookie Monster!
CM Punk: The living room is right this way, ladies.
The women followed Punk until they spotted Batista and dashed for the couch he was resting on. Marshmallow hugged him before snatching the bottle of Smirnoff out of his right hand and collapsing on the sofa beside him. Candy launched herself onto Big Dave's lap and forced her tongue down his throat. Slightly taken aback, Punk sat down on the couch opposite of them.
CM Punk: Ah well I didn't know Batista was dating someone from this area. Always figured him for a big bachelor with no strings attached.
Marshmallow: Oh they're not dating, sweetheart. Batista's just a close personal friend who pays us a visit whenever he's in town. Usually, Dave stops by Titty Town which is where we work. But hey... you and me can become close personal friends for fifty bucks.
CM Punk: Thanks for the offer but I'm against prostitution. Sex, or different variations of sex, should be shared strictly between husband and wife.
Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy had slipped into the living room undetected wearing white, green and purple face paint.
Marshmallow: That's a shame, darling. I'd be more than willing to give you a ride on my disco stick for the right price.
Jeff Hardy: I'll take you up on that offer, miss.
Marshmallow slowly turned around, examined Jeff up and down before shooting him a look of disgust.
Marshmallow: Fuck off, freak.
The strippers & Batista all began to laugh and Hardy, visibly upset over the ordeal, sprinted upstairs and out of sight. The laughter quickly died down as Batista & Candy went back to their heavy kissing. Marshmallow opted for a snack and searched the kitchen for any signs of food. Candy came up for air and tugged at Big Dave's speedo.
Candy: (giggles) I love the animal unleashed.
CM Punk: As did I. Great autobiography by the way. Read it cover to cover in two days.
Batista: Dude... she's talking about my cock.
CM Punk: How disturbing.
Candy: Awwww you wanna join?
CM Punk: I'd rather not and save my penis from a swarm of infections.
Goldust: Sexually transmitted diseases are definitely no laughing matter. I speak from experience.
Rhodes strolled into the living room with Test bringing up the rear. Everyone turned their attention to Goldust who was completely naked.
Test: Yeah me too. Chlamydia has been a recurring problem for the both of us.
Goldust: As well as anal leakage.
Marshmallow: Ha! The three of us could be twins!
Batista: Ugh good thing I only let you give me a blowjob. And does anyone else hear sirens or has my brain soaked up too much vodka?
The room fell silent as everyone listened for outside noises.
CM Punk: No you're still partially coherent. It's coming from right outside the front door.
Punk swung open the front door to find the condo surrounded by cop cars. Every officer seemed to be staring up into the sky. Punk walked out onto the sidewalk and trailed his eyes up the building to discover Jeff looking down from the roof.
Jeff Hardy: EVERY ACT HAS A CONSEQUENCE AND I'M PREPARED TO FACE MINE HEAD ON. BY THE WAY, BE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY NEW DVD.... JEFF HARDY - MY LIFE. MY RULES AVAILABLE SOON EVERYWHERE.
CM Punk: WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN? SERIOUSLY!?
Hardy detected the outburst from below and locked eyes with Punk.
Jeff Hardy: WHISPER IN THE WIND!!!
Without a second thought, Hardy executed his signature move off the building and several police officers aimed their guns at the falling object. Punk ran for cover as Jeff's body slammed into the hood of a cop car. The weight of his body indented the vehicle and police officers & paramedics rushed forward. After watching the carnage from a distance, Punk looked into the camera.
CM Punk: Dude turn off the camera. This shit shouldn't be shown on television. Kids don't need to see this sort of reckless behavior.
The front door of the condo burst open and Batista's unbalanced frame marched out.
Batista: YOU FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING, NAZI BITCH!
The Animal cocked back an empty bottle of Captain Morgan and hurled it at an alert Punk. At the last possible second, he ducked out of the crossfire as the bottle shattered against the camera lense and everything went black.
Tomorrow night's Patriots/Saints game should be a dandy! If New Orleans manages to take care of business at home against New England, there's no reason why they shouldn't go undefeated. Meanwhile in the AFC, the Colts flirt with perfection hasn't been without dramatics as they've barely escaped the last four or five weeks with a win. Their victory earlier today was no exception as they rallied from a 17 point defecit to overwhelm the Texans in Houston. Not that I was surprised whatsoever to see Peyton bring Indy back like he has countless times before (especially versus the Texans). Aside from NFL's top two teams, I've been most impressed with the Vikings and Brett Favre's stellar season. They absolutely destroyed the Bears today and have looked solid every time I've watched them this season. A Vikings/Saints NFC Championship game would be sweet tits in my opinion. Then there's the Chargers sitting pretty at 8-3 and Vince Young who has resurrected the Titans after the franchise sputtered to an 0-6 start. If Tennessee makes the playoffs, it'll be perhaps the greatest turnaround I've ever witnessed.
Plug others as you would like to be plugged, vagina faces.
LOP's favorite pedophile MyLee Cyrus takes to the streets for tales of midget hate crimes and necrophilia. Not a heartwarming chain of events. - Short Stories With Tragic Endings
My overseas mistress Johnny B rips off a slew of popular columnists for cheap amusement. A grave offense that won't go without repercussion. - The Boomerang Prophecies XXXXII: Standards
And THAT'S how babies are born, folks. If you're a fan of raunchy softcore porn and vampires, check out the first two seasons of True Blood. An excellent show that my girlfriend introduced me to a couple months ago. I believe the third season doesn't run until next summer but you can certainly track down the initial 24 episodes online for free. I'll be back next Sunday as always with yet ANOTHER fictional piece of shit. This is nothing more than a coincidence that they're all coming bunched together so don't get it twisted. After next weekend, it'll be back to collaborations galore! Please don't judge me for being such a gracious soul. Anyone else willing to give during the holiday season? Yeah? Then drop me feedback, bitches! Lay it on me at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and you shall be rewarded with cyber sex. Simone's unaware of my sexual internet ventures though so I'd really appreciate it if we kept this on the hush hush. Until next time, please don't pull a Tiger Woods and drive an SUV into your neighbor's tree. Later homies.
