Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [65] - The Wrestling Platter (A Tribute Of Sorts)
By SkittleZ
Nov 22, 2009 - 7:13:58 PM
[65] - The Wrestling Platter (A Tribute Of Sorts)
SkitZ is here to save the day! Or perhaps ruin it. Whatever the case may be, we're together now so lets stop jerking off and get something accomplished. Isn't free alcohol a beautiful thing? On Monday or Tuesday, my house phone rang when I walked in the front door after work. It was an ederly woman who lives across the street. Supposedly, her husband's handicapped as fuck and had fallen out of his bed while attempting to slide into a wheelchair. Thus, it was me and my Pops to the rescue! Dude was all sorts of messed up; obese, disoriented, cancer ridden and mostly nude. We transported the senior citizen into his wheelchair, made small talk and then got the hell outta there. Well when I pulled into the driveway Thursday afternoon, two 12 packs of Budweiser were sitting next to the garage with a thank you note attached. Moral of my heroic tale: aiding the elderly doesn't always have to suck. I'm LOP's inevitable downfall and this is my main tool of destruction - Taste My Rainbow. It's off to Aussie World we go....
As I've mentioned on numerous occasions, DaveyBoy was my initial motivation to begin writing here at Lords of Pain. Sure there were others that helped solidify the decision and a select few who schooled me in the ways of crafting a wrestling column but the DownUnder Wonder was definitely my main source of inspiration. It's crazy how shit works out sometimes. The Wrestling Menu kept me up late on countless Tuesday nights anticipating the posting of a new DaveyBoy piece. In November 2006, I got the Aussie to agree to a pay per view prediction contest with me that didn't turn out so swell for The Candyman (in '07 or '08). I began writing in the Columns Forum and landed on the Main Page alongside my idol. Unfortunately, DaveyBoy would step down earlier this year in April but it certainly was a wild two years for me. And I owe the majority of it to the man who retired after 300 columns. So as a show of eternal gratitude, I thought my own version of The Wresling Menu might just do the trick. Hopefully, I don't piss on DaveyBoy's legacy too bad.
Appetizer
I'll be the first to admit that I might have been wrong about MVP. This time a year ago, I was singing his praises left and right; even suggesting a high profile match between Porter and one of WWE's top stars at WrestleMania 25. I'm hereby withdrawing my offer to tea bag MVP's testicles. Booking aside, there's just not an emphasis to push Porter past the midcard. He seems to have found a solid niche pairing with Mark Henry regularly so stick with it I say. MVP's interactive with the crowd and can hold his own on the mic but his in-ring abilities have gone downhill rather quickly. I know we're talking about scripted shit here but Porter's technique comes off TOO choreographed for me. The gaping flaws in his finisher have been well documented and I honestly believe management doesn't take the guy all that seriously. MVP's definitely the poor bastard of the bunch least likely to progress past his current role in the company.
Another shmuck I was skeptical about when he was first traded to RAW. Once it was obvious that Jack Swagger wouldn't be joining Legacy in any capacity, I figured he'd get lost in the shuffle and systematically tumble down the card. However the All American American has put together quite the winning streak. Don't get crazy though as I know there's ignorant marks out there already guaranteeing Undertaker/Swagger for WM26. Not in your wildest wet dreams, children. Lisp included, Swagger can get his point across and backs it up in the ring. His ECW Championship reign earlier in the year was solid but before people begin proclaiming Swagger's rising stock, lets test him on the big show with a United States Title stint. Rushing him into a pay per view match with a stud like Cena would do Swagger absolutely zero favors (career or confidence wise). WWE's actually done a superb job with Swagger's booking and now the goal should be to keep the momentum going. He isn't ready for a significant feud with a top tier wrestler yet but ask me again after Mania season concludes.
Meanwhile, The Miz has made tremendous strides since kicking his former teammate to the curb several months ago. I'm still not a big fan of him switching to the short tights but that's a matter of personal opinion. The ying yangs I simply can't excuse though. Didn't Rob Van Dam copyright those bad boys? Hmmmm guess not. Anyways, I've been extremely impressed with Miz in both the promo and wrestling departments. He did most of the talking during his stint with Morrison but really introduced his personality to wrestling fans when given the opportunity. The program with Cena was constructed rather odd but Miz let people know that he was lurking and prepared to climb the ladder of success. His current reign as U.S. Champ is a sign of things to come down the road and while The Miz will probably be delegated to the MITB ladder match at WrestleMania, a big time bout won't come long after. I must say though that the Skull Crushing Finale may be a worse finisher than the Playmaker. Seriously, that shit is WEAK. Hook the dude up with a fucking legit finishing manuever.
Well if it isn't Abtastic himself. John Morrison really blossomed into a winning combination over the summer. His face turn was well done and WWE audiences warmed up to Morrison quickly because of his unorthodox/aerial wrestling style. I kinda feel like he peaked in June with his spectacular match with my Edgykins but that could be due to him not feuding extensively yet with one of SmackDown's elite. The budding of heads with Miz tickles my fancy but we all know it's bound to end prematurely with the two competing on separate brands. Their confrontations at Bragging Rights and Survivor Series are like the equivalent to successive super mega ultra cockteases. Nonetheless, I honestly believe moving Morrison into a program with Jericho following Survivor Series would do wonders for the reigning Intercontinental Champion. Will such epicness ever come to fruition? Knowing WWE, not fucking likely but we can always dream. This flashy hunk of man meat's on the verge of superstardom.
Hey I'll tell you who's destined for greatness... that hot slice of fuck pie Dolph Ziggler. Admittedly, I followed the fake blonde much more closely during the summer and stopped after the abrupt ending to his program with Rey Rey. If I were behind the controls, Dolph's 2010 would play out eerily similar to John Cena's 2004. What I mean by that is just have him completely dominate the upper midcard. Abuse the lower two-thirds of the SmackDown roster and enjoy two or three lengthy reigns as Intercontinental Champion. Such booking would set up Ziggler for a main event push in 2011 and possibly a showdown with The Deadman at WrestleMania 27 (if Taker isn't on crutches by then). I'm a big fan of Dolph's finisher, his character and overall look. Well everything except maybe the zebra stripes as they're a sure proof way NOT to get you any pussy. The semi clean kind anyway which automatically disqualifies Maria...
One individual in severe need of investigation is Sheamus. I foolishly missed all of his work on ECW and just barely caught him last Monday night on RAW destroying any object that moved at ringside. Talk about a guy who's got his work cut out for him. It's bad enough being Irish but then he's got Triple H singing his praises via newspaper/radio interviews. Of course that will all change when it comes time for Hunter and Sheamus to do battle. Putting over other wrestlers isn't a term normally found in The Game's dictionary and I doubt that would change if he and Sheamus were to ever cross paths. Here's hoping the red head can reach higher levels of success here in the states than Regal and Finlay have over the years (and yes I realize Sir William isn't Irish). Sheamus resembles Test if you took away the spray tan and added some hair dye. We'll keep our fingers crossed and pray that Sheamus sticks strictly to steroids instead of mixing various prescription pills.
Main Course
Punk's decline since Bragging Rights pisses me off for a few different reasons. Despite the reports claiming Cookie Monster's being utilized to propel R-Truth into the main event scene rather than being punished for another backstage incident, Killings could theoretically get there on his own or perhaps with the help of someone who hasn't had as magnificent a year as Punk. Coming off a disappointing feud with The Deadman (which honestly should've been stretched out until the end of '09 for full effect), you're telling me this is what Cookie Monster deserves? Are you sure he isn't in the doghouse? When does Batista, Taker or Jericho ever have to lower themselves to such a level? In any case, I just hope Punk isn't held back for too long because this is his time to rule SmackDown with a taped fist. Watch WWE devote months to hyping Killings only to turn around and release him seven months from now. That's what's really up.
Oh how I adore the WWE's tried and true method when it came to Batista's heel turn. What's the quickest possible way to turn one of the companies' biggest babyfaces into an asshole overnight? Whip the shit out of Rey Mysterio and then bully him for weeks. The only problem there is Rey Rey's fan reaction. Much like Cena, kids absolutely love The Mexican Jumping Bean however he's often booed by veteran fans. Hence why Big Dave's been receiving the huge face pops on SmackDown since his heel turn at Bragging Rights. What WWE needs is some riveting storylines. This is what you do... shift The Animal into a program with Morrison which centers around their respective relationships with Melina back in 2005. Therefore, you've got an angle to work off and we'll be treated to a few less pointless promos or segments. The feud would help to continue elevating Morrison while giving Batista someone fresh to work with for a change.
Seriously, who hasn't found something to complain about when it relates to the ongoing Taker/Jericho program? This match was supposed to be saved for WrestleMania. By showing it for free on television, WWE's wasting a huge opportunity to cash in. Why must Big Show be involved? Jericho ruined my life because he slept with my mother. So did Undertaker for performing oral on my mom with his eight inch tongue. The bout no longer gives me an erection. Yada yada yada. I still feel strongly about this contest main eventing WrestleMania 26 however unlike the usual scenario, we'll see Jericho & Taker's blowoff match on the big stage rather than a beginning to their program.The Phenom's legs are busted and it's time to put him out of his misery. Solution: Jericho defeats him at Mania in a buried alive match to end the streak and win the World Heavyweight Title. That fucker's gotta stop coming back from the dead eventually.
A particular Main Page columnist might not wanna hear this but Cena's grown stale as the year has dragged on. Initially, I blamed it on his lack of new competition. Then it was his character and those good wholesome qualities which never sway. But ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that Cena's predicament is really a combination of both. Just take the Survivor Series WWE Championship match for example. Opponents Cena has faced 1,409 times and the majority of fans only want The Champ to retain so D-Generation X isn't forced to split up (again). Right now, Sheamus would be the perfect obstacle for Cena to face. We all know damn well The ginger with the chiseled physique ain't winning a World Title anytime soon but a program with John Cena at this point in Sheamus' young career would be gold. Not to mention he has the size and strength advantage so The Champ would be battling the odds as always. Cena, HBK and Hunter can put together solid matches all day but are we really gonna go this route heading into 2010? Sounds like the Creative Team needs a fire lit under their asses.
If you haven't been keeping up, the Kofi/Orton feud has been absolute dynamite. A gem for the ages. Who honestly thought Kingston would be where he is now six months ago? His leap up the WWE pecking order has been nothing short of miraculous. Hell... the dude's more popular than Sean Kingston nowadays (maybe except in Jamaica). After dropping the WWE Title, Orton's been chosen to enhance Kofi just like Punk with Killings on SmackDown. Only difference is Kingston's significantly younger and appears destined to do great things. Kofi's brawl with The Legend Killer last Monday on RAW was intense and really sold Kingston as a legit force who could take Orton to the limit and further. That boom boom legdrop off the guardrail and through the table was SICK. I must commend Kofi for not slipping off and cracking his head open on the concrete. You've gotta assume we're in for an extended feud and one spectacular grudge match at Tables, Ladders & Chairs. The spider monkey's on top of the world!
Dessert
Every year right after Survivor Series, DaveyBoy used to give his premature predictions for the upcoming WrestleMania and try to see how many he could guess correctly. While I'll probably forget these in a couple weeks, it can't hurt to try. And I'm about a week early with these but fuck specifics.
John Cena vs. Batista for the WWE Championship - What? No Cena/Taker!? Sit down and breathe, faggots. From Cena's perspective at least, these two gentlemen have some unfinished business. Not only did The Champ suffer defeat in their confrontation fifteen months ago but Big Dave put Cena out of action after catching him with a Batista bomb off the top rope. And adding to the intrigue, one of them is finally a heel now so we're free of the face vs. face dilemma. This could play out a number of different ways but I think the best would be Big Dave winning the Royal Rumble and challenging Cena for the strap at WM26. And after The Animal loses, he can waddle his ass back to SmackDown or retire altogether. I'm all for Batista bowing out now and getting off the juice in order to stick around until route 50 or 60. Judging by those pulsating veins, it might be a little too late for that. WWE should save themselves the trouble and start making the funeral arrangements now. Big Dave's pretty much a growth hormone slurpee machine.
The Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship - Not too happy how this one's unraveled but you gotta roll with the punches now and then. Wait... didn't we already discuss this shit earlier in the column!? Fucking redundancy is gonna be the death of me. If said program falls into place like I predicted, this could certainly be a no holds barred affair or any other stipulation that provides few restrictions. It grants the two veterans access to brawl throughout ringside and the chance to set up the match like Taker & H's classic encounter at WrestleMania 18. Sure it isn't about rewriting history but you can't tell me that match wasn't the shiznite! Even though The Deadman's falling apart physically, Jericho's still in his prime and more than capable of carrying Taker to a stellar bout under the right circumstances. The false finishes alone would make the match a memorable one.
Big Show vs. Shaquille O'Neal - Perhaps a surprise to some but my confident pick as the standard celebrity bout for WrestleMania. I've read several interviews in the past where Shaq admits that he's a gigantic fan of WWE and would've been a professional wrestler if his basketball career had never taken off. When Shaq guest hosted RAW this past summer, the fans were electric when he faced off with the Big Show. Besides The Great Khali, O'Neal is about as close as it gets to sizing up against TBS and he definitely has a ridiculous fanbase. Big Show already proved at WrestleMania 24 with Floyd Mayweather that he can work well with celebrities and walk them through an appeasing performance. The match wouldn't necessarily need to last long if structured the right way. Shaq shocks the crowd with a few impressive feats such as bodyslamming the giant before falling to a chokeslam. Therefore, Big Show gains back some credibility from WM24, Shaq makes a little extra green on the side, WWE benefits from the publicity and fans go home happy.
D-Generation X vs. Hart Dynasty - Oh c'mon. The storyline practically writes itself! Bring in Bret for the Road to WrestleMania and just imagine the ratings boost. Or Plan's severe depression kicking in when DX throttles the aging Hitman on live television solely to increase buyrates for the PPV. Ouch. Ideally, I'd book Smith & Kidd extremely strong in the upcoming Royal Rumble and dominate Shawn & Hunter throughout separate parts of the match. Then some sort of follow-up match/segment could kick off the controversial storytelling. The Montreal Screwjob can be brought back into the spotlight and used against D-Generation X to even the battlefield so to speak. The bout would play out like DX's match with Legacy at SummerSlam except Smith & Kidd have Natalya in their corner. Obviously, Hart Dynasty wouldn't walk away with the victory but you allow them to make a solid showing and treat the match as a major building block for the future.
Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes in a Triple Threat Match - Would this really surprise many people? You could argue an Orton/Dibiase one on one bout being more accurate however we've seen that twice already in 2009. The Million Dollar Man & Ted Dibiase vs. Randy & Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Cody & Dusty Rhodes would bring a heavy dose of nostalgia but I got my fill of old timers at WM25 and would rather watch the young guns do battle. Rhodes hasn't received as much praise as Dibiase so if Legacy were to break up, this triple threat would give Cody the perfect platform to work off. Orton offers veteran leadership while Dibiase & Rhodes can force the fans to pick one or the other. The Legend Killer doesn't need the rub so it seems appropriate to award the honors to Ted or Cody. With Dibiase being more prepared overall, I'd choose him to go over big in this three way dance. Rhodes needs to get rid of the fucking nose ring before he can be taken serious whatsoever.
Christian vs. CM Punk for the ECW Championship - After a quick glance over the entire WWE roster, I believe Edge would be most likely to mix it up with his former partner in crime Christian above anyone else. Only issue there is I don't have confidence in Copeland returning from his injury in time to make the big dance. Enter CM Punk. A man who's taken a few steps back but not for lack of effort. You wanna give the ECW brand proper attention? Bingo! Chrisitan and Cookie Monster would put on a show and then some. Christian's been the go-to-guy on ECW all year long and if he's gonna drop the belt at some time, Punk's just the man for the job. Now that the C brand's gotten its' second wind, another ECW Championship reign for Cookie Monster doesn't negate the progress he's made since leaving Tuesday nights back in summer of '08. Just please give these two more than ten fucking minutes to work with. Anything less would be a total cock slap.
Kofi Kingston vs. Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match - No matter how you slice it, I'm bound to guess at least three or four of these right! While eight participants screams holy clusterfuck, there's simply too many notable midcarders to leave off the WrestleMania card. For instance, I had to shaft MVP, R-Truth, Matt Hardy and countless others out of spots. But lets be reasonable now... Porter's a hoodlum, Hardy shoots blanks when it comes to cracking into the main event and Killings is a black guy. The thing I love about the eight selected by yours truly is each and every one of them could realistically walk away with the MITB briefcase. Okay maybe Bourne is pushing it but don't forget about Rey Rey's World Title debacle in 2006 so fast. Terrible decisions are made all the time. Fuck I don't even know who to pick from this group. Oh wait I know... Edge! Mmmmhhhmm that's right. Just nod and keep reading, nincompoops.
Divas Clusterfuck - Hands down the single toughest prediction to make as it relates to WrestleMania. There's literally a thousand different possibilities. We could see Trish Stratus show up for a dream match with Beth Phoenix (although it's more likely to happen at WM27 which is being hosted in Toronto), Mickie James versus Michelle McCool for the Women's Championship, Melina versus Gail Kim for the Divas Title, another ridiculously huge battle royal, the yawnfest otherwise known as a lumberjill match, pillow fight, bikini contest, live orgy, etc. It all boils down to an enormous waste of time considering you can see far more skin and action on porn sites. Most importantly, these bitches are taking away time that should be devoted to other worthwhile matches on the card. Unless we can agree on a nude chocolate pudding contest although I think that's how yeast infections occur.
Well check my internet history and call me a pedophile. The Colts and Saints are STILL undefeated and we're wrapping up Week 11 already. Both teams improved to 10-0 earlier today; Indy edging out the Ravens in Baltimore and New Orleans thrashing the Bucs in Tampa Bay. When analyzing the two franchises and checking out the remaining schedules, I'd favor Peyton Manning & Co. in terms of going longer without receiving their first loss of the season. Drew Brees' squad still has home games against the Cowboys & Patriots and a trip to Atlanta could be tricky. I know it rarely ever works out where the teams with the best records end up in the Super Bowl but I'd feel jipped if it was anything other than Colts vs. Saints. You've gotta admit that a shootout between the NFL's most proficient quarterbacks has a nice ring to it. If Indy wins, Peyton gets another ring to pull ahead of Eli and make up ground on Brady. And if New Orleans wins, the city receives a huge emotional lift after the catastrophic events of Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
Each plug comes with a complimentary sex toy.
Uncle Joe has the balls to sell us a repost. A repost I say! Damn SUPERFAN and Ripper must be whacking their willies over this shit. - The Chris Hero Story
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Hell no but there is at the beginning! Super Chrisss brings food and beer to third world countries. - My Two Centsss (Week 2)
(sigh) The DownUnder Wonder's probably crying himself to sleep somewhere in Australia and it pleases me greatly. After weeks upon weeks of collaborations and fictional/fantasy warfare, I thought a straightforward approach might be just what the doctor ordered (no not you, Monkey). Not to mention I haven't touched on WWE's current product in what seems like fucking ages. Next Sunday it's back to La La Land where we embark on another quest of homosexual activities and heavy dialog. It was a chore finding enough free hours in the day to get this bad boy posted on schedule. If you're searching for a pen pal, hit me up pronto at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) and I shall make the pain of being alone vanish overnight. Stuff your fat face on Thanksgiving and expect burning liquid poop from the pumpkin pie. That shit gets me every year no matter what. Later homies.
