Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [64] - That Man In Magenta Makes Me Moodier
By SkittleZ
Nov 15, 2009 - 2:06:49 AM
[64] - That Man In Magenta Makes Me Moodier
Why bother building a roof if I'm just gonna blow it off!? Heh lame I know. Gotta work on my intro lines. Hola once again, amigos. Unlike last year, it's a relief to see work stacking up heading into the dreary winter months. I mean fuck.... living off hot cocoa and noodles aren't exactly ideal conditions. On a totally random and unrelated note, you need to listen to Papa Roach's song "Forever" at this very instant! Awesome shit if nobody minds me stealing Hustle's shtick for a moment. I'm SkittleZ and this is the column that possesses no self-respect whatsoever - Taste My Rainbow. You know what's great about crappy horror flicks? Guaranteed boobage. And usually not even just one or two pairs of tits either. I know there's always porn but something about the combination of blood and nudity is arousing. I just ask that you don't judge me because of my odd fascination.
Due to 'Plan's inability to shut the hell up, what was originally a one-and-done effort turned into a two part assignment. Therefore throwing off my schedule but hey as the Brit himself has said so many times before, business is business. The premise of this columundo is simple: select the wrestler you feel had the outright best year and defend him TO THE DEATH! We strive for thought provoking arguments however it more often than not degenerates into bad sportsmanship and name calling so keep your fingers crossed. My opponent has been triumphant up to this point but that's because I'm a good host and was being overly courteous. The Candyman's ready to unleash hell all up in this mofo so grab a seat, some snacks and the proper amount of lubricant. Five years down and five more to knock out. If this stretches into a trilogy, somebody might experience discomfort in their ear via a dildo.
2004
Candylicious - Admittedly, I didn't catch much wrestling this year due to high school and woman. Or more accurately, the attempt to get laid. I kept tabs on everything of course but there were so many more intriguing things consuming my attention. However it doesn't negate the fact that Chris Benoit was a BEAST in '04. And by beast, I'm not referring to his strangling/suffocating fetish (since we all know he developed that in later years). The Crippler had been producing classic bouts and technical masterpieces his whole career but it wasn't until this faithful year that Benoit solidified his legacy. That includes a Royal Rumble victory, winning the World Heavyweight Championship in a stellar Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX and turning back all challengers for five consecutive months. Didn't he also enjoy one or two Tag Team Title stints with Edge, foreigner?
Plantastic - All challengers consisting of two men; Triple H and Kane, the latter of whom jobs to everyone anyway. I don't want to demean the fabulous year Benoit had by any means, and indeed it was fabulous. Eddie too had a memorable year with epic feuds alongside Kurt Angle and JBL; JBL himself had a pretty damned impressive year, winning his first WWE Championship and holding it until the following 'Mania. But then we have one young Mr. Randall Keith Orton. The Legend Killer. The Viper. RKO. This was the year Orton went from being "the guy in Evolution who'll get pushed" to one of the longest reigning IC Champs ever, a main event player and a World Heavyweight Champion. He was even GM for a week late in the year and, like the previous year, the Sole Survivor at Survivor Series. He held victories not over two men, but over countless legends; Mick Foley, Cactus Jack (and there is a difference), The Rock, Triple H himself, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho and others. And Benoit won the Rumble but Orton went wire for wire with Benoit up to the point of elimination, one that was brought on by a technically illegal competitor. And that's without the twenty year edge Benoit had! Orton didn't just own '04 Candylicious; he fucking raped that bitch sideways!
Candylicious - You sicken me with your graphic depictions. But seriously... Orton's middle name is Keith!?
Plantastic - Yup. One third of RKO; if you piss him off, you might get to meet the whole gang!
Candylicious - How did you come into knowledge with such meaningless information? I am not impressed in the least bit. Plus, I think it's extremely inappropriate to place the words 'Benoit' and 'rape' in the same sentence after The Crippler's actions in 2007...
Plantastic - But it's ok to say he had a strangling/suffocating fetish in his later years? Hah. Not only are you wrong but you're exactly the type of fan Jericho is talking about when he calls us germ incubating tapeworms.
Candylicious - I was justified by my words since they hold some truth. Don't try pointing the finger at me, cuntwad!
Plantastic - Look, let's not get sidetracked with distaste here. The point is that while Benoit was on the receiving end of his pay off year, his accomplishments pale in comparison to those of Orton, who was getting the first REAL year of his career. Point being, Benoit may be the nostalgia pick, but Orton is the sensical one.
Candylicious - You can wipe my dick off with your mouth. NEXT.
Plantastic - So I win again? I want it clarified on official record. That I'm right. AGAIN.
Candylicious - No comment.
Plantastic - We aint moving on TILL IT GETS CLARIFIED! You OWE me it!
Candylicious - Yeah yeah you win. Wanna shove my head up your ass any further?
2005
Plantastic - Good. See? Not to difficult, is it? Now. 2005. You chose Chris Benoit the previous year; I choose Eddie Guerrero this year. Now I wasn't watching in 2005 so this pick was decidedly difficult for me. It's tempting to say Batista or Cena or one of the guys that got uber pushed through the course of the year but in my mind, the fact that Eddie went from being one of the most beloved faces in the company to one of the most dispicable heels in the company, while at the same time making Rey Mysterio mildly interesting...well that alone deserves him being named Wrestler of the Year. Not to say he had great bouts all year round and a pretty darn strong showing in the Rumble. Sadly, it was the year of his death but sentimentality is no issue here. It may seem otherwise, but I assure it's not. Eddie's work rate is what I guess I'm narrowing it down to here.
Candylicious - Ah so you wanna talk work rate? Because I know a certain individual who performed at a high level from wire to wire. The fact that he's wheelchair bound any day now makes such a feat all the more astounding. HBK delivered great matches all year long in '05. Whether it was the classic trilogy with Kurt Angle, his Gold Rush tournament clash with Shelton Benjamin or his historic encounter with Hulk Hogan at SummerSlam. Oh and there was a particular evening in September when Michaels made Chris Masters look like a million fucking bucks. Don't deny his greatness!
Plantastic - Shawn Michaels is a self-righteous cock with a misplaced sense of self-imposed martyrdom. He's a knob whose past transgressions automatically disqualify him.
Candylicious - A tad bitter are we? So HBK doesn't deserve recognition for his work in 2005 due to the unwilling buttsex executed on Bret Hart in Montreal twelve years ago? Sounds like someone's hosiery is bunching...
Plantastic - So that won't stand?! Bullshit! Fine. HBK had a...a...ahem...g...gr...great...year. His matches with Angle were sick; I love the Iron Man Match. The Benjamin match is certainly good too. But seriously. The Hogan bout was mired in politics that make HBK's tainted past entirely relevant proving a leapord never changes his spots and who the FUCK is Chris Masters?! He's completely irrelevant in every CONCEIVABLE manner! Eddie. Made. Rey. Interesting. Just consider the gravity of that statement.
Candylicious - Hey The Mexican Jumping Bean has his moments. Besides, he's the one who does all the fancy jumps and flips!
Plantastic - Yes he is. Congratulations. But a.) he's a spot wrestler and we know how I feel about them, and b.) go to the Columns Forum, ask our mod sheepster his opinion on Rey, then come back and reconsider the gravity of that statement.
Candylicious - Outside resources aren't gonna cut it in my column, cockslut! But back to the task at hand... Please tell me this doesn't mean what I think it does?
Plantastic - That I win? 'Fraid so. And let's just see how...pleasent...life remains for you in the CF if you say I DON'T win.
Candylicious - You want a pat on the penis? Jesus. I'll let this one slide though since I'm a giving fellow.
2006
Candylicious - Above all other years debated here today, this trophy presentation can possibly only consist of one man; the Rated R Superstar was absolute gold in '06. Two WWE Championship reigns; one not so magnificent and the other a spectacle to behold during the summer. Copeland put together two Match of the Year performances with Foley & Cena. The Ultimate Opportunist had the damaged eye candy in his corner and evolved into the bad-ass heel we all know and love. Did I mention Rated RKO was created before years' end? But most importantly, Edge should get the nod for dry humping Beulah right in front of her own husband at ECW: One Night Stand. That got me hot in the boxers.
Plantastic - Off we go.... Your arguments stink of bias. The TLC Match with Cena is not in the league people pertain it to be; their 'Slam bout is much better, and not a MotY contender, though the feud was entertaining. And if you enter a Hardcore environment with Foley on a WWE style stage and prove UNABLE to pull off a MotY candidate, there's something horrendously wrong. And remind me...how long did the first reign last? Was it...what...the length of nap time I think? Now, remember back in 2003 when I went down the controversial route and chose a man who had only been around for 3 or 4 months of the year? Yep. That's right. Lightning DOES strike twice biatches. 'Cos I'm doing it again. Oh, it's true. It's DAMN true!
Angle left halfway through the year, I realize. But fact is, like The Rock 3 years prior, in 2006 Kurt Angle just sort of...exploded to a ridiculous talent level. In '03 he was great. In '04 he was awesome. Come '05 the guy was spectacular. In 2006 however, Angle was UNPARALLELED. No one could touch a thing he did that year! Edge's success on paper is great; in practice, it's distinctly average. Angle, in comparison, got away with saying "I'm not a big fan of `The Black People" on INTERNATIONAL television people! He was loved! The guy tore the house down in a 'Mania main event that lasted than 9 minutes, including a sick double German suplex and making BOTH opponents tap out; that's never happened in any other triple threat in history. Oh. And then there's the small matter of No Way Out's bout against 'Taker....
Candylicious - This is some sort of joke, right? I'm being played for a fool. Where's the camera hidden?
Plantastic - No joke. In practice, Angle's success in his short stint in 2006 was absolutely amazing. Edge? Consider. He cheated to win his first WWE title and then lost it in short order. He won it back in a Triple Threat where the odds are always stacked against the champion anyway. He cheated to beat Cena then consequently lost to Cena IN HIS OWN MATCH IN HIS HOME TOWN. I mean, damn. If that's not being bitched out, I've no idea what is. And Rated RKO is my second favourite team of all time dude. But DX...kinda made them their bitches more often than not.
Candylicious - You are cruisin' for a bruisin', pal. Angle's match with Mark Henry at the Rumble was like a bad rectal exam. Even Taker's return after the bout concluded couldn't deter fans from the awful stench. Angle's short stint with ECW was marginal at best and he should be disqualified for selling that Van Terminator which RVD completely whiffed on. Copeland however was on the premier show the entire year.
Plantastic - You're resorting to "Edge was on Raw therefore I r teh winz?" I'd expect that from a five year old you rainbow flavoured sumbitch. Do yourself a favour and go make yourself an ice cream sammich or whatever it is you kids are into these days. Play Nintendo or whatever. Angle had one bad match against a man who is IMPOSSIBLE to have good match with even if you're GOD himself and you undermined your own ECW argument yourself; "short stint." It's an irrelevant issue. He tore the house down with 'Taker in World title bouts. TWICE. He main evented Wrestlemania that year for Smackdown! while Edge was relegated to wrestling a semi-retired, broken down stuntman despite having been WWE Champion mere months prior. And by the time he'd reached Wrestlemania 23 a year later he was in Money in the Bank. So, what progress had he made throughout 2006 as a result? None. But I'm being hyperbolic. Edge had a good 2006. Angle had a STELLAR 2006...for the time he was in WWE. His matches, bar the one with Henry which is far from a surprise and can hardly be held against him, were just off the hook. He truly was a Wrestling Machine. Now get to admitting you lose so we can move on.
Candylicious - (sigh) Defeat follows me around like a persistent prostitute.
2007
Plantastic - 2007 and my controversy continues. Why? Before I chose men with short stints. This time I chose a man for an unprecedented second time. Initially, I had a different name. I have since changed my mind because, like 2004, 2007 belongs to The Artist Formerly Known As The Legend Killer. Look at what he accomplished in those 12 months. He lasted to the final four in the Rumble, taking part in the great storytelling within that Final Four; something that rarely happens. At 'Mania, he RKOd the Money in the Bank participants to FUCK! He faced Edge in one of only a handful of successful heel vs. heel bouts in pro wrestling history (a great match in itself) to end one of the most masterfully scripted tag team break-ups in history.
Following that, he went on to make Cody his bitch on multiple occasions, the benefits of which he reaps as of right now. He punted Shawn Michaels in the skull, he punted Dusty Rhodes in the skull and beat him in Dusty's OWN match! In the summer, he tore the house down by feuding with Cena and having one of the better 'Slam main events in recent years before going on to be WWE Champion twice in one night at No Mercy, even beating The Game in a Last Man Standing bout; THE FREAKIN' GAME! IN LAST MAN STANDING! And if that wasn't enough he rounded the year off by beating Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho before making Jeff Hardy look red hot as we headed into 2008. Like '04, Orton raped 2007 sideways!
Candylicious - Orton's battle with Edge on an episode of RAW in May was terrific I'll give you that. Unfortunately, the very man Randall couldn't overcome in '07 (until a serious injury occured) was even hotter. John Cena was WWE Champion for nearly the entire fucking year and definitely could have been if it wasn't for Mr. Kennedy and his shenanigans. Despite what people might say about Cena's wrestling style, he took part in a handful of great matches. Said bouts stemmed from his Last Man Standing classic with Umaga at the Rumble to his titanic clash with Bobby Lashley at the Great American Bash. Meanwhile, Orton had several moments earlier in the year where his importance to the bigger picture came into question. That wasn't the case with Cena who was simply Mr. WWE throughout 2007.
Plantastic - Again you rely on the "Raw psyche" that more important = better. Not true and you know it. More often than not the better workers are those NOT in the main event scene. But I digress. Cena was on form in '07. He "worked hard"; but again, doesn't equate to being better. You seem to conveniently gloss over his car wreck of a feud with Khali. And Orton never once had a car wreck of a feud in this very year. Not. Once. And while Cena was at his most prominent, he was almost probably at his most hated this year. Heat must surely be taken into account here; Orton was getting the heat he was meant to be getting for the most part. Cena? No. Why? He doesn't understand the finer points of wrestling psychology, something he also demonstrated in this very year, most notably against HBK at 'Mania. But again, I digress. Cena's year was strong. Orton's year was fantastic.
Candylicious - We both know WWE crowds love to go against standard principle and cheer the supposed fan favorite. Especially when we're talking about Cena. Lets be honest... The Champ made Khali look somewhat decent at times (something Take struggled mightily with the year prior). And so the guy forgot to sell an injured leg on the biggest show of the year? These things happen from time to time...
Plantastic - These things "happen"?! There's no fucking wonder this industry is being flushed down the shitter with INEXCUSABLE attitudes like that! You're a disgrace to...to...to wrestling! And I want to make this expressly clear to you. Khali...NEVER...looks...decent. It hasn't happened yet. It won't happen ever. So maybe WWE crowds DO love to go against the standard principle, which incidentally is hardly a WWE-exclusive phenomenon as you pertain it to be. But doesn't that even further disprove the idea Cena is Wrestler of the Year? Whether he's "meant" to be hated or not is regardless; fact was, he was hated when he wasn't meant to be. That equates to him not doing his job properly. That equates to everyone else being better than him. That, logically, therefore equates to him NOT being Wrestler of the Year. I believe that's 8-0.
Candylicious - ... I need a hug.
Plantastic - Man up and move on.
2008
Candylicious - Yes I know Jericho would appear like the hands down favorite for this year but bare with me for a minute! Jeff Hardy was making waves at the end of '07 and was without a doubt the most over thing in WWE at the beginning of 2008. Even if his WWE Championship bout with Orton at the Royal Rumble didn't live up to expectations, their build-up leading up to the event was perhaps the best I've ever witnessed. Now Jeff's tremendous showing in the RAW Elimination Chamber was followed by a 60 day suspension but who fucking cares? Due to a burned down house, Hardy was one of the hot topics heading into WM24 and the dude wasn't even on television! And once Jeff returned, I recall an awesome group of bouts with H before Hardy capped off the year by capturing the World Heavyweight Title. So BLAMO! In your face, ho bag.
Plantastic - I see. So to break down your argument. He wrestled on the first ppv, one of the most important on the calendar...and disappointed. Then he got suspended. But that's ok. He's still Wrestler of the Year because even though HE WAS OFF TELEVISION he was a hot topic BECAUSE HIS HOUSE BURNED DOWN! Well I tell you what. If that's how we're going to give out this title then fuck it, give me a stack of hay and a fire lighter and I'll go pay Edge a visit. Then when I've burned his house to a cinder, massacred his pets and pumped illegal substances into his veins, we can say he was Wrestler of 2009 cos, hey, he was a hot topic! And yeah, Jeff ended the year being WWE Champion (get your facts right in the first place please) and wound up losing it without wrestling a single match and losing in his first title defense. Triple H even managed to put him over without putting him over. That's how great he is.
Fact is to call Jeff Wrestler of 2008 is not only ludicrous, it's quite frankly insulting. Not only to me, not only to every other wrestler that DIDN'T totally fuck up in 2008 but to the very concept of wrestling itself. Chris Jericho is Wrestler of 2008. Why? Cos he deserves it! I don't really need to reel off all the accomplishments do I? The IC title run, the best heel turn this side of the century, the constant evisceration of that hypocrite Shawn Michaels, two World title reigns and victories over the likes of Batista and CM Punk to boot. Face it. 2008 made Jericho the best worker in the WWE today. End of story. To continue your line of argument with Jeff, should you choose to continue it, will be baffling, insulting and a spit in the face of any wrestling fan who still values their own morality.
Candylicious - But he appeals to the younger WWE audience! Set aside what Jeff might stand for, kids looked up to him and thus Hardy transformed into the male pedophile version of Hanna Montana. The dude was on fire during the early months, left for 60 days only to come back and pick off right where he left off. With Copeland on the shelf, it can be argued that Jeff was the highlight of SmackDown during the latter stages of '08. When viewed from a blank template, the quality of Hardy's matches in 2008 were consistent with Jericho's. Jeff also became more vocal with his step up in the company and warmed up to the microphone.
Plantastic - Jeff's matches are never on par with Jericho's. And there is one important distinction you're failing to make. Jeff was not the highlight of Smackdown; Jeff's PUSH was the highlight of Smackdown!. Jeff himself could not be classified as the highlight himself until 2009 when he was an established World Champion. *Shudders*. We're giving this award to Wrestler of the Year; Jeff fucked up in the midst of the push of his life. Hardly the kind of mind set the BEST WRESTLER AROUND would have, right? And his being entertaining was at that stage reliant on being paired with a bigger name, whether it be Randy Orton in the early months or whether it be Triple H in the latter months. There's no argument. I deconstructed it earlier. And as far as "appealing to kids" goes, this is Wrestler of the Year, not Most Popular Wrestler of the Year. Jericho is a better wrestler anyway and he was a better wrestler in 2008. Jericho. Wins.
Candylicious - Ugh. But putting aside how splendid Jericho was in '08, his promos became monotonous by the end of the year. Nonetheless, fans were going apeshit over Jeff this time last year; much more than either Hunter or Orton.
Plantastic - Didn't you hear what I just said? This isn't "Most Popular Wrestler"; all things have to be considered here and, having done that, Jericho wins! You literally don't have anything to stand on dammit! Jeff's matches rely on spots. His promos sound worse than someone taking a long overdue dump. Jeff can't pass as Wrestler of the Year; frankly, he barely passes as a wrestler. Jericho's promos may have become monotonous; they never became cringeworthy. If ONLY we could say that about the emo-freak who paints his face and fucks his life up as a happy past time.
Candylicious - I'll have you know that Hardy's face paint is the SHIZNITE! And how about that angle where he was found unconscious in his hotel? Compelling stuff, eh?
Plantastic - You mean the angle that led to his brother desiring to MURDER him out of jealousy, only to later decide he wants to be best friends again a few months later because CM Punk accidentally kicked said brother? No. Not compelling. Condescending, as regards to the treatment of the WWE fans' intelligence.
Candylicious - ... I'm fighting a losing battle here. White flag anyone?
Plantastic - Good boy. Can I go now? I'm bored of trying to make this drivel mildly interesting.
2009
Candylicious - Not so fast. For shits and giggles, who's your premature pick for this year?
Plantastic - Please. As you would know if you read Spandex Fortnightly, there is currently the A.W.E.S.O.M.E (Award for Wrestling Excellence Selection-of-Merit Experience) going off in which the readers choose said title. I cannot afford, in lieu of having an investment in the competition, to reveal my opinion as a result. Sorry.
Candylicious - So then with my suggestion of CM Punk, I'm declared the winner by forfeit??? Hooray! Fuck yes I knew the sweet taste of victory would eventually come my way.
Plantastic - Well done. You lost 9-1 in your own column. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you ACTUALLY had some balls?
Candylicious - Occasionally. Still, at least I showed up. It's better than laying a goose egg, is it not!? Cut me some freaking slack, crumpet muncher.
Plantastic - Better to much on crumpets than it is to chew on cock. I'm outta here. Next time, I expect you to be interesting.
Candylicious - Leave my utopia!
Oh snaps! I'm psyched for the Colts/Pats showdown tonight. Of the two undefeated teams left standing in the NFL, Indianapolis definitely has the tougher task this weekend. Drew Brees and the Saints might as well have another bye week at St. Louis but those are the benefits for a team with the easiest schedule in the league. In all seriousness (and assuming New Orleans doesn't lose their swagger), two home games versus the Cowboys & Patriots are all that's separating the Saints from 16-0. This may sound like crazy talk to most but the NFC South squad just have their shit together in '09. There's an extremely good chance the Colts taste their first defeat of the season when Tom Brady brings his bunch into town. Indy & New England provide one of the biggest rivalries in football and always seem to have competitive contests. The Pats still have a score to settle after blowing a huge lead to the Colts a couple postseasons ago that cost New England a trip to the Super Bowl. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the visiting team to walk away with the win. Signature Brady comeback anyone?
I love to start each morning with a stiff plugging.
As the mighty lion falls, the young cub rises up to take his place... or die trying. Super Chrisss faces the ultimate task! - My Two Centsss - Week 1
My ridiculous fetish with collaborations was brought up the other day by a close friend and he explained that negative feedback would rain down on me if I continued said pattern. Beginning next year, I will make a conscious effort to string together solo columns more consistently. But quick FYI: 5 of my next 11 columns will indeed be done with a tag team partner so hold in there a tad longer, cum guzzlers. That's less than 50% though so I'd say we're making steady progress! It also appears fellow Main Pager, THE MONKEY, is stepping down from the MP. The move not only surprised me but serves as a big blow to Lords of Pain and its' readers (one we'll bounce back from over time). Monkey Man did some great things with his daily blogs and he's an all around solid dude. I wish him nothing but the best and toast a shot of cock milk in his honor. All complaints and threats can be sent to (SkitzLOP@aol.com) so I can act like none of them exist. For experimental purposes, chug ten energy drinks in a row and see if your heart explodes. Later homies.
