Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [63] - That Man In Magenta Makes Me Moody
By SkittleZ
Nov 8, 2009 - 12:40:05 PM
[63] - That Man In Magenta Makes Me Moody
The New York Yankees are World Champions for an unpredented 27th time! The Candyman & Co. are still celebrating four days later and I'd say it's long overdue. After failing to win the World Series in 2003, it's been one ill-advised acquisition after another. From Carl Pavano to Gary Sheffield to Jared Wright to Bobby Abreu. An absolute nightmare year after year but in '09, Joe Girardi found the winning combination. Is the dynasty back? Difficult to gauge so soon but it's a possibility if everyone remains healthy. I must however turn my attention to the Philadelphia Phillies for a second. Not to congratulate them on an amazing season or anything. More so because they have a player by the name of Jayson Werth who looks like Edge's identical twin! I swear they are like carbon copies of each other and could very well be related. Is Werth Canadian? Someone needs to hit up Wikipedia for information. Um... I'm SkittleZ and this is the cheapest shit you can find on the internet - Taste My Rainbow. I've rambled myself silly so shall we just cut to the chase?
Depending on personal taste, you may be familiar with Main Page columnist 'Plan. Unfortunately, I know him all too well. The two of us grew up so to speak in the LOP Columns Forum during the first half of 2008; posting new material on a weekly basis and making names for ourselves amongst the regulars as well as casual readers. I think it's safe to say we've become pretty solid friends since then but the dude's a stubborn cuntwad. 'Plan and I disagree about everything when it relates to professional wrestling and I'm convinced that debates stimulate him sexually. Since the immigrant is so verbally arrogant about his views and opinions, I felt it was time to massacre the Brit on my turf to end all the nonsense. I once asked 'Plan who was the best wrestler during a particular year in the WWE a couple months ago and we disputed it for hours. That led to us arguing over top performers from other years which is exactly how this bad boy came to fruition. Anticipate an ugly confrontation, people.
1999
Candylicious - Say what you will but '99 was all about Triple H's rise to main event stardom. Hunter was the reigning leader of DX and made the smartest decision ever when he turned on X-Pac at WrestleMania XV. Joining the Corporation did wonders for HHH's career and I think it's no surprise he ended up capturing the WWE Championship on two separate occasions. Personally, I fucking detested Trips at the time and seeing him reach such success only ticked me off more. I'm talking about some unhealthy hatred. When you look at other contenders in '99, Hunter just stands out. Austin had a great year but not as solid as 1998, Taker missed almost four months due to injury and Foley started teaming with The Rock. Thus removing him from the title scene for large chunks of the year.
Plantastic - Well maybe I WILL say what I want about '99! Cos it was not all about The Game and How You Play It. '99 in fact was all about having a nice day. See Mankind...well he doesn't spring to mind straight away but think about it you no good fruity bastard; he was in an AWESOME "I Quit" match with The Rock on the first ppv of the year! And it was a brilliant feud with Last Man Standing matches and Ladder matches, truly great. He was involved in the main event of Wrestle freakin' Mania. Sure, he was a referee, but who cares? He was there. He beat the Big Show who isn't, as his name suggests, a small guy now is he? He won the title AGAIN at SummerSlam and he may have been in a team with The Rock and not chasing singles success but...dude...seriously...this is The Rock n Sock Connection we're talking about here. And even then he won the Tag titles with Al Snow at some point I think.
His success speaks for itself! And you can't just judge Wrestler of the Year on if they were in the chase for the WWF title Mr. Sweettooth. That's just silly. Now Triple H, sure, he had a good year. But when he met Mankind in the ring that year at SummerSlam what happened? Erm...Mankind won I think! And Mankind beat Show as I said; Triple H had to cheat to do that! Mankind had more titles overall as well and the only real reason people talk about Trips in '99 is cos his success came in spades at the end of the year. His first half of the year? Waste of time. He wasn't even on ppv for King of the Ring that year and that's like one of the Big Five in the company!
Candylicious - Pfft... teaming with Al Snow should be enough to disqualify Mankind right off the bat!
Plantastic - And being replaced by Steve Blackman should disqualify Triple H right off the bat too! Lemme just say that again. Replaced. By. Steve. Blackman.
Candylicious - But H went to the short tights! Hopefully, that counts for something?!?!
Plantastic - H went to small tights...and Mankind became Cactus freakin' Jack people. Remember Cactus Jack? If you don't I'm sure you'd like to meet his friend...BARBIE!
Candylicious - Don't entice the readers with foreign objects! Ugh I'll give 1999 to you. Guess anybody can get one right now and then.
Plantastic - Hah! 'Plan strikes again! Well I guess you'll want me to start the next one you lazy sumbitch. You're lucky to have me around these parts sometimes you know. Let's get this borefest over and done with so I can get back to Business.
2000
Plantastic - The year was 2000 and the WWE had a new Millennium Bug, the man I choose as Wrestler of the Year and the ONLY viable choice; Kurt Angle. You know him; the guy who won a gold medal...WITH A BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK! And why? Does his reigns as Intercontinental, European and WWF Champion in his rookie year not say enough? Does the fact he beat The Rock to win the latter not say enough? How about the fact he probably drilled Trips' wife, Steph? A hero to any man for sure. No? Main eventing SummerSlam? No? What about winning the King of the Ring that year? Still nothing? Ok. But you can't deny that walking into a one fall 6 man Hell in a Cell as champion, fighting Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, Undertaker and Rikishi and then LEAVING as champion as well is fucking impressive as hell! Face it folks. You can talk about Rocky all you want but the first year of the new century, the rookie year of your Olympic Hero and his three I's, means Kurt Angle was the Wrestler of 2000. No. Doubt. About. It.
Candylicious - Oh but I do doubt it, cockslut. And how dare you degrade the most over wrestler throughout the year 2000. Rocky won the Royal Rumble (by hook or crook), captured the WWE Title at Backlash, put together an epic Iron Man bout with Hunter which was better than the WMXII version, won the WWE Championship yet again and turned back every challenger for over four months. His battles with H and Benoit were the stuff of legends so stop hating, foreigner! Angle was just getting his feet wet and if he'd actually had a legit program with The People's Champ, Kurt would've been raped into submission. Johnson was simply putting over the new talent. I bet Rocky sold more merchandise during 2000 than Angle did throughout his entire WWE tenure.
Plantastic - Oh god.
Candylicious - Don't question my methods, vagina face.
Plantastic - He's jumping on the merchandise angle people! You should go hang yourself now for that. And the Iron Man Match was NOT as good as the WM12 one so you should go hang yourself for that too! And I aint hating! Rock had a great year! But try to...try to listen sugartits. Angle. Was. In. His. Rookie. Year. That's unparalleled bitch! And the one match Rock and Angle DID have...erm...who won?
Candylicious - Because Rikishi's chunky ass crack cost Johnson the match!
Plantastic - Now that's not fair. He did it for The Rock!
Candylicious - Ugh no comment. So I won this round, right?
Plantastic - Erm...no! Didn't you hear? Angle. Beat. Rock. Therefore the year is his.
Candylicious - Suck it long and hard, Brit.
2001
Candylicious - My chosen one for '01 was actually your pick from the previous year. And no I'm not trying to steal your thunder, crumpet muncher. As great as his rookie year may have been, the Olympic gold medalist was MONEY in 2001. Sure far fewer championships came his way but the quality of wrestling bouts speak for themselves. Angle's epic quartet of matches with Benoit highlighted the year but him and Austin also engaged in some classic battles during the second half of 2001. Kurt saved the WWE during that horrendous InVasion storyline and began utilizing the ankle lock to perfection. Not to mention the dude kicked off the year with solid back-to-back pay per view performances against Hunter and Rocky. But above all else, Angle's street fight with Shane O Mac at King of the Ring is a bout I feel is terribly overlooked. A thirty minute match with well placed spots and a SICK extended finish. This of course came after Kurt competed in two KOTR tournament bouts earlier in the evening.
Plantastic - Yadda, yadda. Not trying to steal my thunder...pah! You'll be posting in magenta next! You're wrong. AGAIN! Angle's year was 2000 simply because of how impressive it was. 2001 belonged to a man you did mention though and while many would say his heyday came long before a year where he, in the end, was winding down his career, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin completely reinvented his character to keep it fresh. Now the heel turn is an often disputed thing that always ends up fairly emotive, but Austin is my second favourite of all time and I LOVED it. Or rather, should I say love it. It worked. How could I tell? Back then I was a huge mark and Austin had been my favourite for a long, long time. I always felt Rocky was a pretender to his throne. Then he sided with McMahon and...well...it took me until 2004 to like him again. After the turn I HATED him. Not just disliked him; HATED him.
His in-ring work that year was fantastic. Some would say the best 'Mania main event of all time, winning one of the better of the Rumble matches, an awesome 3 Stages of Hell with Trips, epic bouts with Benoit and the Brothers of Destruction and his classics with Angle as you mentioned. Not to mention two pretty lengthy title reigns, at least by modern standards. I wasn't a big fan of the sycophantic heel they chose to follow when Trips got injured, but the unhinged psycho Austin in the immediate post-'Mania 'E was a brilliant development for his character. '01 was the year of the Rattlesnake top to bottom.
Candylicious - That's all fine and dandy but can you honestly admit to enjoying watching Steve beat the shit out of Tazz like some sort of misbehaving child? While the likes of Kanyon and Sean Stasiak masturbated among the huddled cluster of Alliance members?
Plantastic - You should listen more Sugartits. As I just said, and I quote, "I wasn't a big fan of the sycophantic heel they chose to follow." In retrospect, my favourite Austin of '01 was the unhinged nutter that beat the shit out of the Hardyz and Lita and The Rock and injured Kane's elbow back when Kane was actually an impressive force to be reckoned with. If it weren't for Trips, Benoit and Jericho getting injured, the InVasion angle wouldn't have been so hurriedly put together and horrendously mishandled and Austin's year would have been even better than it already was.
Candylicious - And the Texas Rattlesnake's year wouldn't have been nearly as memorable without the red, white and blue machine! Austin had Debra falling him around like a lost puppy all year. And note: I said puppy not puppies. Singular form people. Get your heads (of your penises) out of the gutters.
Plantastic - Don't change the subject you dumb sumbitch. Evidence you know you're WRONG! While Angle was cheating to beat and then losing to Benoit, Austin was kicking the shit out of The Rock and beating The freakin' Brothers of motherfucking Destruction to be a WWF Heavyweight and Tag Team Champion! And Debra was there sure. But know who else was? Vince. The Boss.
Candylicious - Pfft... Kurt had his Olympic gold medals to snuggle up against at night. And yes I mean the same ones which were stuffed down in Benoit's musty crotch. Nonetheless, the point I'm trying to make here is Olympics > WWE. Therefore I win!
Plantastic - No. You don't. Because people reading this are pro wrestling fans before they are amatuer wrestling fans for the most part, I'm willing to guess. So WWE > Olympics. And therefore, I win.
Candylicious - Ugh. Fuck it then. Bring forth the next debate!
2002
Plantastic - 2002. A year when the roster was stacked beyond reason! I mean seriously. Consider the star roster they had following WrestleMania X8. Austin, Triple H, The Rock, The Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Kevin Nash & Scott Hall, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, RVD, Kane, Big Show, Booker T and many, many, many more besides. It was also the year Brock Lesnar EXPLODED onto the scene, changing the company forever in more ways than one. But he did not own the show that year, no sir. Because you can never underestimate the skill it involves to reinvent oneself and keep yourself relevant in something as ever changing as pro wrestling. But, like Austin the year prior, that is exactly what The Undertaker managed to do, certainly in the first half of the year.
How? Like Austin before him, turning heel. Not only did he put on a Rumble performance remembered to this day by DECIMATING Maven, he had a strong match with The Rock at No Way Out, turned Flair into a bloody mess at WrestleMania and even went on to beat Austin and Hogan in successive ppvs; the two biggest icons in pro wrestling HISTORY! He only lost the Undipsuted Championship in a Triple Threat Match and even after turning face, he went on to have my favourite of all Hell in a Cell bouts against Brock Lesnar at No Mercy that year. Big Evil is possibly one of my favourite ever heels and 2002 may not immediately bring 'Taker to the forefront of your mind, but for me he undoubtedly owned it with paper accomplishments to rival the very best of the very best but by also reinventing himself and, after twelve years, keeping himself relevant in a roster stacked with megastars. And THAT is the most impressive thing of all.
Candylicious - Solid argument... but a false one at that! How dare you discredit Brock Lesnar's impact on the wrestling world and his savage raping of the RAW roster. An impressive debut the night after WrestleMania 18 which was followed by the complete owning of the Hardy Boyz. LOL @ Bubba Ray Dudley trying to transform into a successful singles wrestler. Lesnar put an end to that which is something we should all be eternally grateful for. The Next Big Thing had a ridiculous summer coupled with winning the King of the Ring tournament and dominating Rocky at SummerSlam to become (at the time) the youngest WWE Champion ever. Once Brock was done toying with RAW, he opted for the blue brand and put together a stellar program with The Deadman. I'm still amazed to this day how Lesnar F5ed Big Show's fat fucking ass. Well steroids I know but you get my drift. Plus, wasn't it during late '02 when Lesnar superplexed TBS off the top turnbuckle and broke the ring!?
Plantastic - No. It wasn't you stupid 'tard. Know your history. The ring collapse happened in 2003 when Angle was out injured and Lesnar and Show wrestled for what seemed ten hours every single god damn week so that's immediately discredited. And again; LISTEN! I discredited nothing. In fact, I said, and again I quote, "Brock Lesnar EXPLODED onto the scene..." and here's the important bit, "changing the company forever in more ways than one." But while Lesnar's rookie year was one for the ages, his 2003 was better and the fact his push happened so quick is good and bad as he only ever truly went over The Rock and 'Taker to be made to look legit, unlike Angle two years prior. But if anything, Lesnar helps prove my point; the company was changing and changing big time. It's name and brand structure even changed! And thanks to the year he had, Undertaker not only remained relevant but he perhaps became more relevant than ever. 2002 is 'Taker's, not Lesnar's.
Candylicious - But Brock won their hell in a cell bout at No Mercy so shouldn't he get the nod? I nearly forgot to add Lesnar's battles with RVD, decimation of The Hulkster and doing us all a favor by sidelining Hardcore Holly indefinitely with a 'botched' powerbomb.
Plantastic - No he shouldn't because it wasn't a "Wrestler of the Year" Match now was it? All that sugar must be numbing your few brain cells. And besides, even if we did go on that match 'Taker should still get the nod anyway because the whole POINT of the match was 'Taker losing as opposed to Lesnar winning. Lesnar could have beat anyone at that point...but it's always different with 'Taker. He made Lesnar suddenly look like he could be something more than a brief one hit wonder in the main event scene.
Candylicious - Psh... Brock would have been beastly whether Taker put him over or not. The only props I'll give to The Phenom was helping set up Lesnar's face turn.
Plantastic - Ok. So say it was about Lesnar winning. You're saying the impact of that match would have been the same if he'd beaten...I dunno...Rikishi instead? Or maybe if he beat Eddie or Rey Mysterio? No. Because it was the fact he just beat THE UNDERTAKER! But I'm not going to get tangential, even though I should to clarify my point for your dumb rear end. Nevertheless, 2002 belongs to Undertaker cos I said so.
Candylicious - Heh. Here I was thinking all foreigners were irritating when it was just you this whole time. Go figure.
2003
Candylicious - More than any other year, this was without question the toughest choice to make. Frankly, '03 was just an inconsistent year across the board. Goldberg and Nash were pretty prominent in the main event scene but both extremely lousy in the ring. HBK had returned but was still fine tuning his skills, Hunter hit a stagnant point, Angle was his usual self but missed a couple months after WM19 due to neck surgery and Lesnar continued to reign over SmackDown. In the end however I sided with Chris Jericho and I'm pretty confident in said pick. Y2J spent the majority of the year feuding with Michaels and shared the MOTN at Mania with HBK. I thought Jericho's work with Christian towards the end of 2003 was awesome and even reminded me of E&C on a couple occasions. Even you gotta admit that Jericho & Christian betting one Canadian dollar over who could sleep with Trish or Lita first was comedic gold.
Plantastic - Well if there's one thing I DO agree with you on it is that '03 was undoubtedly the toughest year to pick and at first, I struggled to go for any one guy. The man I did choose in the end however I think may prove to be a controversial one, mostly because he was only around for 4 of 12 months...maybe even 3. How could I excuse that? Simple. No one on the active roster was stellar from start to end. However when The Rock made his return in time for No Way Out and Rock/Hogan II the man had evolved into something far more than he was when he departed at Summerslam the previous year. He had evolved into my favourite heel of all time. A heel character that was simply genius. A Hollywood sell-out that you loved to hate. He was a prick. He was an egotist. He mocked the fans...but he was so damned entertaining at doing it! Before he could have them cheer him on cue; in '03, he had them JEERING him on cue. It's crazy.
But the main reason I chose The Rock was because he hit his stride in the short time he was around in 2003. I mean, really hit it. He was magnificent before but in 2003 he transcended even that. He switched things up a bit and made Hurricane, a primarily comic relief character, look like a legit threat in the ring. He even made Jeff Hardy look like a million bucks as well. Anytime he stepped in the ring in '03 that year, Rocky was better than any other man in the company. That's a big claim, but one I stand by. Simply put, if he had stuck around in '03, The Rock would have been quite possibly the best EVER. Jericho had a great year. Rock had an unbelievable 4 months. UNBELIEVABLE 4 months. A controversial choice I know, but I stick by it. And it was actually Rock and Austin who had MOTN at 'Mania that year anyways....
Candylicious - Blasphemy. That was the weakest match in the Austin/Rock Mania trilogy by far (not that it was bad in any sense). You would pick someone who was barely around in '03 which is why the ManWithThePlan fails big time here. Hell... we should have made a rule beforehand where the contenders had to be present for at least half of the year. What a joke. Jericho is the clear cut favorite here and you just need to accept it, ho bag.
Plantastic - The weakest in the trilogy?! Bullshit! It's the best! The first is the fucking weakest! And as I said, I knew it was controversial but the thing is I can remember everything The Rock did in the 4 months he was around. From Hogan, to Austin, to Hurricane, to the concerts to Goldberg. He made Goldberg look good which can't be said for Triple H. Rocky outshined EVERYONE within those four months. EVERYONE! Not just in the present but for the rest of the damn year! You said yourself, 2003 was totally all over the place. Rocky was consistently good and consistently prominent as long as he was around. The same can't be said for Jericho. Or for anyone else on the roster for that matter. I stand by my decision! What's the old adage? Quality, not quantity.
Candylicious - You're on the fast track to a backhand, sir. So you truly believe Mr. Movie Star had a better body of work in three or four months than Jericho did in twelve? You should be lynched on the spot for making such outlandish claims.
Plantastic - Oooh, AND SO WE COME TO THE HEART OF THE PROBLEM! Mr. Movie Star. I knew people wouldn't be able to put their self-absorbed sense of entitlement behind them and actually view something objectively for once. The short answer to your question is yes. Jericho started the year with an awesome performance that owned that year's Rumble; he ended it wrestling a couple of women and being a big pussy about some bird he happened to have the hots for. Great year, you're right.... Rock started HIS year by beating Hogan on ppv and ended it by making Goldberg look like ten billion bucks in the ring; not easily done. Unless, of course, you wanna bring Goldberg up right here, right now and tell him he's a woman? No, didn't think so. So take your bitterness and jealousy that The Rock is infinitely more talented than you could ever HOPE to be and shove it up your arse Sugartits. I'm done here!
To Be Continued...
"Light In The Trousers" (dedictated to Hustle for always supporting my lyrical deficiences)
My dick is shorter than the next white guys'
Why should I sit here and fill your head with lies
Not like I wouldn't mind if someone could magnify
My poor excuse for a cock to keep me dignified
Bless me with a few inches so I can feel justified
Cuz there's now way in hell I could ever satisfy
A girl with this prick but give it a tug / I'm rectified
While we're at it, bleach the pubes with peroxide
So there won't be any doubt left / I'm a bonafide
Homo with no game / Why can't I simply get by
On massive foreplay / I'll send the bitch for a ride
Not on my penis though cuz she just won't comply
I swear something crawled down in there and died
It's sad / To the point I hide in bushes and spy
To see the real thing / Porn is way too damn pricy
And I'm kinda prude / The Spice channel's a tad spicy
Yeah sure being a peeping tom can get sorta dicey
But I get off watching the dude put the wood to wifey
Although he's far from perfect / I could do it nightly
If my dick got the job done / Why does God spite me
Don't I abide by the law and masturbate lightly
Come to think about it a strap-on is what I might need
To slay many women with my super awesome sword
Grab something for safety like that wooden headboard
My mighty meat thermometer she simply adored
Prepare for the facial cuz when it rains it pours
Of course I'm fantasizing / Fuck being well-endowed
Tons of physical abuse is how I get a girl loud
Or use foreign objects / I know Pops would be proud
Interfere in any orgy and just quietly join the crowd
Underachieving abilities / Everyone ready to be wowed
I'll give the room an orgasm / My head's in the clouds
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Plugs aren't free, faggots. Bend over and we'll call it even.
The end. At least until next Sunday when I put 'Plan to shame and end this cherade of him being a competent wrestling fan. Don't give me that fucking look either. So it evolved into a sequel... I can't help the fact that my guest is a long winded bastard. Definitely a lesson learned for future columns. In any case, me and Pinky will be back to making beautiful music seven days from now so try to keep it in your pants in the meantime. If you haven't been keeping up with the Main Page, go investigate Mazza's new Smark Court series. Top notch stuff which I could totally see turning into a long term deal. Now live up to your end of the bargain and provide feedback at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) or I'm going on strike until Christmas. I'm gonna bounce but mail me money because this being broke shit is WEAK. Feeling poor after bills is one thing but a kid's gotta live a little! Fucking women rape bank accounts without hesitation. You can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em. (sigh) Later homies.
