Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [61] - Win A Date With The WWE Divas!
By SkittleZ
Oct 25, 2009 - 1:10:43 AM
[61] - Win A Date With The WWE Divas!
Hola from the state with fewer Hispanics than any other state in the U.S.! This marks the first weekend in nearly two months that I haven't trucked down to Long Island. Simone has a race in Philly and furthermore my bank account is dangerously close to negative numbers. Which seems to be a recurring theme in October but work's been slow and shit happens. You can call me SkittleZ and this is yet another edition of Taste My Rainbow hot off the press. The column constantly caught bent over with its' pants down. No willing and able hands this week as we're venturing into more absurd tales of fiction. I know... gotta get my head out of the clouds one of these days. But today isn't that day so close your trap and read some Chicken Soup for the Pro Wrestling Soul. The idea for today's piece hit me during the end of summer and I finally managed to type out the bastard recently. As we move on, protect your genitals and examine pregnant women for sour milk.
A jet black limousine pulled up in front of a small blue house on a quiet suburban street. The limo driver (probably named Chives or something) lightly honked the horn before exiting the vehicle and opening the right rear door. He held the door open and patiently waited for the limo's impending occupant. From inside the house, a stocky man with spiky auburn hair watched through the living room window.
"Yo slick... Your chariot awaits!"
A skinny white male 22 years of age emerged from the bathroom scratching his ass.
"Holy fuck. Don't go in there for a while, Pops. Those Reese Cups and Twizzlers didn't mix so well in my intestines."
Pops: Yeah thanks for that. Now hurry up and get out of here you lucky bastard. Take some pictures for your old man too.
"You're sick. You know that? However I will fuel your lust for big breasted women by snapping off a few ill-advised photos. But yeah I gotta bounce. Later Pops."
And with that, he grabbed his Zoo York sweatshirt and left. As he was walking down the driveway, his stepmom was turning off the sprinkler in the front yard. She looked up and smiled.
Stepmom: Have fun, Josh! And make sure to use protection.
Josh: Um... it's a date. Not a prostitute clearance sale. But thanks anyways.
Josh nodded at the limo driver before launching himself into the back seat. He eyed a counter lined with bottles and glass cups but doubted it was anything he'd drink. The limo driver closed the door, retreated back to the driver's seat and slowly drove away. Josh rolled down his window as the 80 year old Nazi's on his street all stopped to stare at the passing limousine. There was one particular senior citizen who always bitched at Josh for stepping on his property to grab stray baseballs. Josh kindly greeted the old fuck with a middle finger.
It wasn't long before the limo was on the highway heading towards New York City. That meant a two hour car ride from East Hartford, Connecticut. Josh leaned back and exhaled. He pulled an envelope from his back pocket and withdrew the piece of paper from inside. Josh read the letter for the eighty-seventh time.
CONGRATULATIONS TO...
Josh Keegan
We here at World Wrestling Entertainment are proud to announce that you are the grand prize winner of the Win A Date With The WWE Divas sweepstakes! Which means you'll be enjoying a lavish dinner (compliments of us) with not only one Diva... but TEN of the most beautiful women on television! They will join you for dinner in New York City on the evening of Saturday, October 24th at 8:00pm. To ensure a smooth and comfortable drive, a limousine will pick you up at precisely 5:45pm. Congratulations yet again and prepare yourself for a night out with the WWE Divas!
Josh: (whispers to himself) Psh... those bitches better prepare for me.
Limo Driver: What was that, sir?
Josh: Hearing things? Keep your eyes on the road, Pendleton. I actually value my life.
The limousine driver slowly turned his head back towards the front windshield and attempted to ignore the insult.
With a sparkle in his eye, Josh slid the letter and envelope back into his pocket. The sun was setting quickly behind the Connecticut hills and it wasn't long before Route 84 was swallowed up by darkness. The limo raced down the highway until the New York City skyline became visible up ahead and traffic reared its' ugly head. Everything had been planned out accordingly (traffic considered) because the limo came to a halt in front of a fancy looking restaurant.
Limo Driver: Ah. We've arrived at our destination, sir.
Josh: No shit, Sherlock.
Limo Driver: Heh. It's Stanley if I may correct you.
Josh: Holy fuck someone ruined his parents' life with an unexpected pregnancy. I don't have to tip you or anything, right?
It was pretty obvious that the limo driver was showing every bit of restrain. So before Stanley could mutter any degrading remarks, he stepped out of the limousine. After standing for a couple seconds to compose himself, Stanley walked around to the other side of the limousine and opened the door for Josh.
Limo Driver: Of course not. Now please hurry inside. I'm sure your guests have already arrived and the host at the counter will be expecting you.
Josh: Sweetness. I'm fuckin' starving.
He stepped out onto the sidewalk and scanned the restaurant. There was a long orange banner above which read LUPA in bold black letters. Just from surverying the restaurant on the sidewalk, Josh could tell the place wasn't going to mesh well with his picky eating habits. He strolled through the double doors and an elderly white woman locked eyes with him from behind the counter.
"Why hello and welcome to LUPA! You must be the sweepstakes winner. Let me escort you to the table. A few lovely ladies have been waiting for you."
Josh: Eve isn't here is she? I swear that chick only loves the black cock.
"...Well you'll just have to see for yourself. The other seven Divas or so are running late but should arrive any minute."
Josh: Ugh what a bunch of smelly queefs.
At a loss for words, the elderly woman showed Josh to his table which was located in the back end of the restaurant. A dim light hung overhead and seated sporadically along the table were Alicia Fox, Tiffany & Beth Phoenix. All three of them stood up, congratulated Josh on his grand prize victory and treated him to a boob induced hug. The Divas sat back down and Josh joined them.
Josh: It's close but Foxy Brown definitely has the biggest rack out of the bunch.
Alicia Fox: Beg your pardon?
Josh: Chill the hell out. It was a compliment. Even though that wide ass forehead knocks you down a couple notches. But it's all good. Not everyone can be beautiful.
Alicia Fox: This coming from the white dude with a pencil thin dick?
Tiffany: Alicia!
Josh: It's alright, Tiff. Alicia can't help that she looks like something from Alien vs. Predator.
Alicia Fox: You best back off. My boyfriend was locked up for six years and he fucked little bitches like you every day.
Beth Phoenix: Try to keep it professional, Alicia! You could get fired over something like this.
Josh: I thought this was just a quiet dinner between me and the Divas? Who invited another dude?
Beth Phoenix: How dare you! I'm extremely feminine for your information. How about I tear you apart with my own hands?
Tiffany: Don't do it, Beth! He's not worth it. It's Josh, right? You might quite possibly be the biggest asshole I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.
Josh: That's funny because speaking of displeasure, you might have the hottest body and ugliest face combo ever. That's no easy feat to pull off so major kudos.
Josh began to clap as Tiffany's eyes filled with tears. She ran out of the restaurant with her face covered and Josh watched with a smirk until Beth recaptured his attention.
Beth Phoenix: I hope you're proud of yourself. If I ever cross paths with you again, I'm gonna kick your ass and that's an absolute promise.
Josh: The only thing absolute at this table is the meat swinging between your thighs, Beth.
Phoenix appeared as if she was gonna take a swing at him but caught herself and stormed out of the restaurant. Alicia shook her head in disgust at Josh before standing up from the table. As Josh turned to watch Fox exit the restaurant, he spotted Gail Kim and Katie Lea zoning in on his table.
Katie Lea: Was Alicia heading to the bathroom or something?
Gail Kim: I dunno. She looked really upset.
Josh: Oh she said not to worry about it. Personal issues going on at home.
Katie and Gail nodded silently before settling at the table. Kim noticed Josh staring and introduced herself.
Gail Kim: Nice to meet you. I'm Gail Kim.
Josh: And I looooooooove me some Asians. Despite marrying one and everything going terribly wrong, the fetish still exists.
Katie Lea: You're being rather inappropiate.
Josh: Awww I'm sorry if anyone felt offended. I'll get the waitress over here right away to order. What will it be, ladies? Noodles and rice? Crumpets and tea?
Katie Lea: That's enough already! You can't talk to us however you want.
Josh: Whoa there! Take a breather, Katie. Those blue eyes are hard to imagine staring up at me from a blowjob when they're full of hatred. Kinda reminds me of the kid from The Omen.
Katie Lea: I'm done with this. Come on, Kim.
Gail Kim: Yeah I don't mind a small cock but damn not THAT tiny.
Josh: What the fuck? Have you been talking to my ex wife?
Both women marched off toward the entrance.
Josh: LESBIANS! Nah but seriously... Call me, Gail!
Josh took a long sip from his Coke and argued with the waitress about why the cooks couldn't whip him up a cheeseburger and side of fries. Maria & Kelly suddenly appeared and plopped down next to Josh.
Josh: Awesome. I've been waiting for them to bring over some sweets buns forever.
Maria: (laughs) That was pretty lame, hunny.
Josh: Nah you know what's really lame? You breaking up with Punk a few years ago. Are you intelligent whatsoever or was that not really a storyline angle?
Maria: Hey fuck off, jerk. What goes on in my private life is strictly my business.
Josh: And what privacy is left after revealing your pre-pubescent body in PLAYBOY? Punk must have dropped you like a bad habit. Did he just completely demolish your vagina? Suffering from Mickie James syndrome are we?
Kelly: You have no right to talk to her like that!
Josh: Yeah? Just like you have no right to talk either. I've seen your kiddie porn movies on the internet. Have you no shame? At least allow the landscape to grow in somewhat before bringing in the drills for construction.
Kelly: That's bullshit and you know it! I admit to making a sex tape with my ex but we destroyed it ages ago. I can't believe I'm even having this discussion right now.
Josh: Then why stick around if you're unhappy? There's two toilets in the women's bathroom anxiously awaiting their aneorexic amigos. But don't let my epic alliteration slow you girls down. Go take care of business!
Maria: Whatever. You fail at life, buddy. And just for the record, you couldn't hit this or this (nods at Kelly) if your life depended on it. We need to leave, Kelly. I can't deal with douche bags.
And with that, they left the restaurant in a fit of rage. The waitress asked Josh if everything was fine to which he blamed their departures on severe indigestion. Josh was so intent on waiving over a more attractive waitress that he didn't even catch Maryse & Melina slide into the seats opposite of him.
Josh: Oh snaps! I write wrestling columns for this site, Lords of Pain, and you two are like every guys' fantasy threesome. No joke.
Melina: Awwww thank you.
Maryse: Yes what you say is very flattering. Though I already know dis. Hahaha.
Josh: Your English is worse in person than it comes across on television. I didn't even think it was possible! I can brush it off though because you've gotta be great in bed. And Melina... ohhhhhh Melina. Any chance I can get you to test that split out on my meat thermometer?
Melina: Zero chance. And you're a disgusting pig.
Josh: There's the pot calling the kettle black. I'm pretty sure a particular animal put the wood to you on several occasions in 2005.
Melina: Lick my clit, white boy.
Maryse: I feel speechless from your insults.
Josh: Why so much negativity from the United Nations? I'm just trying to have a good time.
Melina: Well enjoy the free meal on your own because I'm not gonna sit through this and neither is Maryse.
The Hispanic Diva escaped quickly with the French Canadian bombshell trailing closely behind.
Josh: Let Maryse stay dammit! It's been ages since the last time I got dome from a foreigner!
The waitress looked tentative and approached the table with caution. She informed Josh that WWE had received multiple complaints from various Divas and therefore refused to pay for the dinner. The sweepstakes winner cursed the waitress who disappeared and returned with a receipt.
Josh: Good thing I didn't order any of this horse shit off the menu.
"Hey don't be like that. You've got me!"
Josh rose his head to see Natalya smiling back at him.
Josh: You gonna pay this bill for me?
Natalya: I'm afraid Vince is picking up that tab. Haha.
Josh: Wow what a stingy whore. The Montreal Screwjob happened like twelve years ago. Let the shit go, Nattie.
His expression transformed into one of concern as he pointed to the lower section of Neidhart's face.
Josh: Wow that's a very masculant jaw you have there! Making enough to fix it with surgery? Certainly worth contemplating. Liposuction in the hip region would help too.
Natalya: Normally, I'd share dinner or my family heritage with a relative stranger but definitely not you. Have a lousy evening, dude.
The Diva gathered her purse and made a dash for the entrance. Josh reached out and touched her arm.
Josh: I'm sorry the Hart Family has dealt with so many tragic deaths over the years. How does it feel knowing they're all staring up from Hell waiting for you to further ruin the Hart Legacy? Did that obese fucking father of yours croak yet? He should have been the first one to go if we're being honest.
Natalya was at a loss for words and threw a glass cup from an empty table at Josh's head. He ducked for cover and Natalya sprinted out of the restaurant. The glass shattered against the wall and security wasted no time in walking Josh out of the building. As he turned toward the street, Stanley was sitting in the driver's seat of the limousine and pulled up to the curb. When the two locked eyes, Stanley greeted Josh with a middle finger and nailed the gas; leaving the sweepstakes winner to merely watch as his ride home went bye bye without him. Josh removed his left shoe and hurled it at the fleeting vehicle.
Josh: CHOKE ON A DILDO YOU PRICK!!!
Bogus. So I settled in last Sunday to watch the Gaints/Saints game and was severely disappointed. Don't you hate those hyped match-ups which turn into blowouts? Drew Brees & Co. tore New York's defense apart and showed how legit of a championship contender they've truly become. Their next game is at Miami and I expect it to be a close high scoring affair with the Saints escaping with a win. Also in the NFC, we've got the ageless Brett Favre leading the undefeated Vikings into Pittsburgh for battle. Minnesota almost blew their wad early last week against the Ravens and I think the magic wears off today courtesy of a strong Steelers performance. Meanwhile, the Yankees let a few games slip away in Anaheim but it's just delaying the inevitable. New York's obviously the superior ball club and they'll take care of business in Game 6. Andy Pettite's been in these pressure packed situations plenty of times before so hopefully the Yanks go with him as the starting pitcher over C.C. Sabathia.
The plugathon includes children of all ages...
Xanamaniac's old tag team partner doublehelix explains why certain male wrestlers think it's cool to wear body jewelry. - On Goodness
You know what? I've been thinking about it and fuck that damn Main Page versus Columns Forum competition. The window of opportunity between now and the CSI is simply too small. Kind of like a dude with an enormous penis attempting to slay a petite virgin. The odds just don't tip in your favor. I'm all by my lonesome again next Sunday and then it becomes a case of collab/solo/collab/solo for the remainder of '09. On a side note, has anyone seen the new horror movie Paranormal Activity? I've heard different accounts of friends who watched the film and it sounds like creepy shit. Now show some class and send me mucho feedback at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) or consider us friends no longer. Harsh but what do you expect? I'm not your fucking mother. Get some other cuntwad to wipe your ass because dingleberries gross me out like you wouldn't believe. That reminds me... wipe thoroughly after dropping a deuce. Later homies.
