Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [60] - Candyland Enters The Twilight Zone Again
By SkittleZ
Oct 18, 2009 - 12:36:48 AM
[60] - Candyland Enters The Twilight Zone Again
You bet your ass I'm back! So I'm in the kitchen the other day when this Celine Dion song called "I Drove All Night" started playing on the radio. I couldn't get the damn thing out of my head and listened to it on YouTube for countless hours. This happens to me rather frequently and usually tends to span a wide array of music artists. From Seal to Jordin Sparks to Elton John to Lady Gaga. Now given the fact I'm a 22 year old American male, does that suggest I'm super ultra homo? Do we judge people's masculinity or femininity based on the type of music they listen to? If so, suck my chode because I jam to every and all beats. This is SkittleZ speaking and welcome to your own personal Bible - Taste My Rainbow. The twilight zone column I posted back in February went over pretty damn well so why don't we attempt a repeat success with the same formula? However this time I'm partaking in the storytelling to avoid hearing people accuse me of not carrying a sufficient amount of the workload. Don't get the wrong idea though because I could give a flying fuck about fitting in with society.
An Arkansas native shares his tale of utter tomfoolery. From sexual harassment to indecent exposure...
You’d think with what happened last time, that I probably wouldn’t be here right now. But for some reason, I can’t stay away from this place. It’s WWE. It’s live. I’m on TV. It’s like the shit. And yes, Maryse isn’t here, so no, I didn’t come here for her. A shame, yes, I know. Regardless, I’ve got ringside for this business. Wait? What is this? That fucktard Miz? Oh, I got something for you! Take this burn boy!
The Miz: What the fuck was that?
BL: That’s for talking trash to my woman you cock smoker!
The Miz: Security, come get this douche.
BL: That’s right mother fucker you better get some backup. I’d kill for less.
Well, this isn’t what I expected, but fuck I guess it was necessary. I just can’t stand that fucktard. Ever since he lost Morrison, he hasn’t been shit. Not to mention he got buried by Cena like three months ago. That match was hyped for like two months and it ended in two minutes. What a joke. I still think it’s funny that they are dragging me through the backstage area. D-X happens to be standing there doing nothing.
HHH: What’s the deal with this guy?
BL: I told Miz that his dad loves the cock.
HBK: Hunter, isn’t that what we do?
HHH: Well yes Shawn. But I don’t think this guy could be all that bad. Look, he has a D-X shirt on.
HBK: Guards! What are you doing? Don’t you know this kid is from the Circle of Champions? He has Turrets. He was supposed to smack the shit out of Miz. You know…he can’t help it.
SECURITY: Oh! Sorry, Mr. Michaels.
HHH: Yeah, come with us little Johnny. We’ll show you what it’s like to be in the D-X Army.
SECURITY: You sure you got this situation?
HBK: Of course, we love this stuff!
BL: You guys are lifesavers.
HHH: Oh, don’t think it’s going to be that easy. We saved you, now, we own you!
BL: Um…not quite. You see, last time I came to one of these shows, I hooked up with Maryse and got owned. That’s one time. But I’m not being used by you too.
HBK: Uh…uh, how could you insinuate that a man of the Lord, like myself, and a proud husband to boot, would be one of those playing for the other team?
HHH: Shawn, some of the outfits you used to year man….
HBK: I was young ok. I didn’t know any better. And besides, he called you gay too!
HHH: I’m plugging the bosses daughter, so I think I’m fine. Let’s put it like this. We got a couple of tasks for you. You help us out, everything is square. You turn the offer down, then you are no longer Johnny with Turrets, you’ll be crazy fan going to jail. You got that?
BL: Yeah…ok. What’s the deal?
HBK: On this list you’ll find 10 deeds that have to be done before the night is over. You don’t complete it, you go to jail tonight. If you do complete it, then you get to see Little Rock, D-X style.
BL: Aren’t you the proud father, man of the Lord? You don’t seem like the party type.
HBK: Hey, I know some people…ok. Are you gonna do it or what?
BL: Oh yeah, I’m down. And looking at this list, I’ve already did #8. Slapping a faggot is how I ended up getting dragged out of there, in my hometown, on TV.
HBK: I don’t think we really have any proof Miz is gay.
Triple H solemnly nods his head.
HBK: Really? What a sicko!
HHH: Ok kid. That’s one down. Nine to go.
BL: I’m digging number 4. This has got to be great.
Got my boys in tow and we are heading to the lockerroom. This is gonna be great. I take the suit of clothes that they give me and walk behind the corner to change.
HHH: This is gonna be great. I haven’t seen one of these since 1999. We tried this same stunt back then.
BL: How do I look?
HBK: Ready to save some tail! Do it!
With that, I pulled the pin on the green smoke bomb and throw it in the Women’s locker-room. I wait about ten seconds and then head in!
BL: Hello, is anyone ok? I heard that something went off in here! Anyone need some help?
With that, I started wrangling up Divas. One by one leading them out of the locker room. Each one, covered in green smoke. Most of them bare ass.
HHH: Woah, Shawn, they are coming out. Cover your eyes man!
Mickie James: Triple H? God you are an asshole!
HHH: So says the person who’s asshole is showing.
Beth: Wow! That is pretty low. You wait till we are getting ready for the show and then decide to spray this green smoke all over our clothes!
HBK: Is she naked?
HHH: No, it’s safe!
He takes his hands away from his hands.
HBK: You liar!
He closes them again.
HBK: I’m going to find Mr. Fuji again. Oh god, Rebecca will love this.
Gail Kim: What’s with the firefighter dude?
HHH: This is little Johnny. He’s from the Circle of Champions. He has Turrets or whatever. And we thought…
Beth: So you’d thought it’d be cute to dress this poor kid up…
BL: The fuck you just say to me bitch?
HHH: Woah, Beth. Like I said, he has Turrets. But yeah, Shawn and I were giving him the D-X treatment.
Jillian Hall: Oh, that Hornswoggle. He shit in my purse!
Jillian runs away looking for Hornswoggle.
Kelly Kelly: I think he looks cute.
BL: Go pee in another sink bitch!
HHH: Johnny, cut the shit man! Look, we’ll leave you to figure out what to do. I have to get him out of here.
Shawn walks back up to join the two as they walk off.
HBK: That Mr. Fuji is elusive.
HHH: And like how you pulled off number 9 back there too!
HBK: He pulled off the Randy Orton special during that too?
HHH: Yeah, in Jillian’s purse.
HBK: Who is the fall guy?
HHH: Hornswoggle.
HBK: Nice. So what’s next kid?
BL: I’m look at number 6 pretty hard.
[We skip ahead in the story for time and word count constraints]
HHH: Damn kid, you are quite the artist. Spray painting D-X on Jack Swagger’s attire.
HBK: I personally thought cutting a chunk out of Carlito’s hair was good.
HHH: One deed left kid. You ready?
BL: Let’s do this shit!
With that, I took the pig mask and put it on. I grabbed a knife from my pocket that I jacked from catering and then climbed atop the horse. I snapped the reigns and out the gate we went. Riding down through the streets of Little Rock from the State Fairgrounds headed to Verizon Arena.
HBK: You honestly think this will work?
HHH: He has Turrets. He has IEP. He’s a messed up kid, of course it will work.
HBK: Hunter, you know there is nothing wrong with the kid.
Hunter takes a sip of coffee.
HHH: Of course there isn’t.
God I hope this shit works. I cross over Broadway bridge and head to the front gate.
SECURITY: Sir, you can’t.
BL: I’ve got Turrets. You leave me alone!
I rode past the guards and down the hallway.
HHH: Go Little Johnny!
HBK: I don’t think I’d let the people know you had a little Johnny.
HHH: Oh my. That was a bad joke.
Now, I just got to make the sharp turn around the rotunda here and through the production area.
Pat Patterson: Look at the size of the dick on that…
Vince: Pat, leave the gayness at home damn it! Now what the fuck is that?
Pat Patterson: Well, it appears to be a guy in a pig mask, wearing a dress, holding a knife, and riding a horse.
Vince: Fuck it, we need ratings!
Here we go. Down the ramp! I just got to balance this right. Fuck the knife, I don’t need that shit. Steady boy.
John Cena: What the fuck is this?
I dismount from the horse and fly with a clothesline on Cena. I then roll out the ring and grab a microphone.
BL: My name is Johnny and I have Turrets. So fuck you bitches!
The security spot me and chase after me. I sprint through the crowd and head to the back. Then the D-X music hits.
HHH: Everybody give it up for Little Johnny, the next D-X mascot.
HBK: I love that little guy.
John Cena: You mean I just lost the match because of a little Johnny?
HBK: Now that was good!
Who knew politics would rear their ugly head? Infidelity and mature porn are the focal point here. Prepare to vomit...
Linda paces back and forth in an empty motel room; pausing to stare out of the front window every couple seconds. She checks her watch for the time and lets out a sigh as it creeps toward 11:00 pm. Linda reaches in her purse for her cell phone to make a call when a jet black Mustang pulls into the parking lot. A tall white man wearing a cowboy hat and business suit stepped out. He looked up to the second floor of the motel and Linda signaled to him from the window. It wasn't long before the well dressed man made his way up the stairs to Room 209. Linda swings open the door and meets the man with a firm grasp around his testicles. In fact, she motioned him into the room by the crotch and used her free hand to shut the door.
Linda: Ohhhhhhh Bradshaw. What the hell took you so long? I was getting worried.
JBL: My poor excuse for a wife was blowing up my phone stressing out about finding a new babysitter. It took me a lifetime to get rid of her.
Linda: Mmmmmm I'd like to spend a lifetime with you, John. You and your chubby cock.
JBL: Damn Linda. It's been less than 24 hours since our last rendezvous you horny GILF.
Linda: I just love me a strong powerful man.
JBL: Um... news flash. You're married to Vince McMahon.
Linda: Oh but you know he can't satisfy me sexually like you do. Vince has his random sluts on the side and doesn't exactly try to hide it. What's wrong with me having an affair with a man I deeply care for? Vince's status will be irrelevant once I become Connecticut Senate in 2010 and fully endorse your energy drink.
JBL: (smiles) That's my girl.
Linda: Enough stalling, John! Lets give this bed a workout!
She ripped off Bradshaw's pants with ferocity and dropped down to her knees like an 18-year old pornstar ready for a facial.
JBL: Oh God yes!
It wasn't long before the hot and heavy nonsense moved to the discolored queen size mattress. Linda was agile as a cat and pounced on Bradshaw like an animal in heat.
Linda: (moan) Give me The Obama! I'm ready for it!
Three days later, Monday Night RAW was being held in Oklahoma City. JBL was strolling down a corridor backstage before the show when a whistle caught his attention. Linda was beckoning him from Vince's office and she hiked up her skirt to show Bradshaw a little aged skin. JBL winced at the sight but tried to envision his energy drinks going mainstream and jogged over to the office door. Linda laid into the former WWE Champion with some soggy kisses to his mouth and face. Bradshaw came up for a gasp of air.
JBL: But what about Vince? Won't he be back here soon? What if we get caught?
Linda: He's in a staff meeting that's sure to not finish up for another half hour at least. Besides with how quickly you release bodily liquids, being done in time shouldn't be an issue.
Bradshaw tried looking at the comment as a compliment but couldn't help but feel like his manhood just took a fatal blow. The thought ended abruptly as Linda slammed him against the desk. She slid off her squirt and tossed something redish white into the trash can.
JBL: What the fuck was that?
Linda: Well I'm kinda on my period. But it's almost over! Barely any blood left.
JBL: Ugh sick. I thought women your age stopped getting periods?
Linda: Oh John. Just think of it as putting ketchup on your hot dog.
She mounted Bradshaw and was unzipping his pants when the door slowly opened. It was none other than Mr. McMahon who stood in the doorway for nearly a minute with a look of horror etched across his face. Linda covered herself with JBL's dress coat and Bradshaw hid behind the desk hoping he hadn't been spotted. Vince looked behind him and checked to make sure no one else had seen the dirtiness. He closed the office door and cleared his throat.
Linda: He blackmailed me into having sex with him, hunny! It was rape!
JBL: Shut the hell up you lying bitch! Your wife has a moist vag like 24/7, Vince. I can't get any sleep either.
Linda: LIAR! I'd never sleep with you in a million years. I'd rather not have your man boobs smack me around while I'm subjected to a sweat shower.
Vince: That's enough! From the both of you. Now as disgusting as this is, I've been fucking minors since before the first WrestleMania so there won't be any divorce, Linda. You're worth way more to me financially if we're married so get comfortable.
JBL: Alright awesome. I'm glad you guys managed to work things out. I'm just gonna leave now so...
Vince: Oh not so fast, JBL. Linda's my wife and therefore allowed to partake in promiscuous sex with other men. You on the other hand are a WWE employee and such behavior will not be tolerated.
JBL: What kinda fucked up logic is that!?
Vince: I'm afraid this time you aren't coming out of retirement, John. Prepare to forefeit the Intercontinental Title at WrestleMania 25 to Mysterio. In... (comes up with a random number)... 21 seconds.
JBL: This is a joke, right?
Vince: Certainly not. And after the match, you'll quit and disappear forever. Never to be seen on WWE television again.
JBL: But the economy, Vince. I don't have nearly enough in the bank to retire yet!
Vince: Should've thought about that before you invaded my wife's Cabinet.
JBL: Hey I wouldn't call it fun. Linda's a bit saggy and could use a weed wacker down south.
Vince: Tell me about it. Why do you think I keep so much hot young ass around?
The founder of LOP seeks an interview with a WWE legend but comes away with far too much information...
Sal: Taker somebody's here to see you.
Undertaker: Send em in.
Sal: (motions to man in doorway) Alright, you only got a few minutes so make it quick.
Calvin: Hi Undertaker, first let me just say what a huge honor it is to meet a living legend like you. You may or may not know this but I run a wrestling website called Lords of Pain and I just wanted to get a few words for our main page.
Undertaker: Lords of Pain huh? It doesn't by any chance double as a gay bondage site does it?
Calvin: (laughs) No, I assure you there are no whips and chains on my site.
Undertaker: That's too bad. Wait a second. Lords of Pain? Isn't that the site where that Professor Toto clown wrote?
Calvin: I think you mean Mr. Tito and yes he wrote for us for quite some time. Hell of a writer and really helped put us on the map.
Undertaker: If you say so boss. All I know is that I saw that guy wrestle at a cookout one day under a Bob the Builder gimmick. I'm not English but when I saw that scene I actually used the word wanker to describe him. I mean I've literally never said the word in my life before that moment.
Calvin: Well Tito is known for leaving lasting impressions. He's harmless though it was all just a gimmick.
Undertaker: Oh believe me I know he's harmless. What's he weigh a buck thirty? My shits have taken craps bigger than him. I know what you are thinking, “you're shits take craps”. Goddamn right they do, nasty smelling ones.
Calvin: I'm not really sure what to say about that.
Undertaker: Say you are impressed, that's impressive as hell boy.
Calvin: How about we just move on?
Undertaker: Suit yourself.
Sal: Hey Taker, we got to get you ready for your match.
Undertaker: Looks like the trainer needs to get me all taped up for my match tonight. I tell you what though, you came all this way the least I can do is answer one question so you have something to throw up on that little bondage site of yours.
Calvin: Thanks, I really appreciate it. I guess I'll ask the question that I always wonder. Do you still get nervous before a match?
Undertaker: I tell you what, how about I do a little more than give you a simple two sentence answer. Allow me to tell you a tale....
You asked if I still get nervous before a match, and yeah I still do. I remember sitting backstage that night and throwing up a good three or four times. Sal came over to make sure everything was okay and I told him it was but he could see right through my lies. “Butterflies huh?” He said. Here I was about to capture the World Title again but this time was different. I'd beaten some big names in my day even holding a win over Hogan for the belt but even that win didn't amount to the same as getting the big win at WrestleMania. Here I was about to win the companies' biggest title on the companies biggest pay-per-view event. Yet there I was blowing chunks like a rookie about to wrestle his first match. That's when Sal gave me the best advice anybody has ever given me.
Calvin: What'd he say?
Undertaker: He looked me straight in the eye and said “Taker, just picture your opponent taking a shit.”
Calvin: Taking a shit?
Undertaker: Yeah. Sal had this theory that no matter how bad ass someone looks on the outside, we all look stupid taking a shit. He figured if I just pictured my opponent taking a shit the humorous image would relax my mind.
Calvin: Did it work?
Undertaker: Sort of. So there I was wrestling Sid for the title at Wrestlemania XIII. The match was going okay I suppose but I just couldn't kick those butterflies. I mean my stomach was seriously knotted up and I thought I was going to lose my lunch again right there. Then I took Sal's advice and imagined Big Sid taking a shit. It helped me too I started performing my moves better and just generally finding my comfort zone. Hell the image in my mind was so vivid I swear I could even smell the stench of Sid's feces. As the bout progressed and I set Sid up for the win that's when I made my frightening revelation.
Calvin: What happened?
Undertaker: As I had Sid in the position for the tombstone it became painfully clear why the image in my mind was so vivid I could even smell it. Sid had in fact shit himself and a little bit had oozed out. So there I was unable to break the hold for free of being reprimanded or even depushed with my face a mere inches away from the fecal matter that was leaking out of Sid's trunks.
Calvin: Wow that's some story.
Sal: Taker come on we got to go!
Undertaker: Alright kid I got to get out of here but you take that story to your little site and throw it up there and let the whole world know.
Calvin: I definitely will. Taker just one last thing. Do you still get scared?
Undertaker: Every night. All I can think of is who will be the next guy who nearly shits on my face, and it scares the fuck out of me.
Favre is still getting it done, eh? Consider me impressed... for now. After the roller coaster ride he went through with the Jets last season, lets see if the veteran can go wire to wire with Minnesota. Facing the Ravens is no easy challenge as they will most likely have success shutting down Adrian Peterson and the Vikings' rushing attack. Meanwhile, I'm psyched to watch the Saints/Giants game like no other. My Pops will be rooting for his beloved Giants so naturally I'll be firmly behind New Orleans. It isn't very often that we get such an even match-up like we do here. Oh and LOL @ T.O. requesting a trade. He thinks Buffalo sucks now? This is only the tip of the iceberg, pal. Owens should be in tears by Thanksgiving which I'm positive would put a smile on several NFL players' faces. Now the only question is where do you ship him off next? NFL Europe? AFL? The Canadian Football League? My goodness there's so many choices!
I plug to make a difference in the community.
Glacier ponders why Jesus ever created such a dastardly holiday. Perhaps it had something to do with the diseased animals on Noah's Arc. - The Ice Chronicles 22: The Halloween Special
The beasts of the Columns Forum become life partners and discover the cure for cancer. Or was it herpes? Either way, click for miracles. - The Boomerang Prophecies XXXIX: Subtitles
Well that wasn't so bad, right? Be sure to pop a few Tylenol next weekend because I'll be back yet again on Sunday. And it'll be a solo effort this time I swear! Collaborations are an addiction I'm trying to treat but it's a hard fucking habit to kick. No additional news in relation to the Main Page vs. Columns Forum tourney and I doubt there will be for at least another two weeks. This upcoming week is gonna be slow for The Candyman work-wise so of course I'll be spending most of it down at Hofstra University with Simone. If the competition is indeed going to materialize comfortably before the CSI begins, some significant moves need to be made as soon as possible. Anybody who gives a damn should push me to email Calvin as things tend to slip my mind. (SkitzLOP@aol.com) should already be saved in your email inbox for feedback purposes. Until next time, go out in public without underwear because your shit needs to breathe once in a while. Later homies.
