Posted in: Taste My Rainbow Taste My Rainbow [59] - Queer Eye For The Wrestler Guy
By SkittleZ
Oct 11, 2009 - 10:04:43 AM
[59] - Queer Eye For The Wrestler Guy
How's it hangin'? Pretty low I hope. At least for the dudes reading this. If I can offer you any advice whatsoever, never move to Connecticut unless there's no other alternative. It's congested with old wealthy assholes, the taxes are ridiculous, people can't drive worth shit, registering your car here will end up costing hundreds of dollars (see earlier tax reference) and there ain't shit to do. Perhaps you're dealing with similar problems elsewhere in the world but believe me... its' multiplied here. Anyways, I'm SkittleZ if you haven't figured it out by now and this is everyone's favorite song and dance - Taste My Rainbow. I've done and said alot of gay things but today's clusterfuck probably tops them all. Numerically, this bad boy definitely came ten columns too soon but meh. Interestingly enough, former Main Pager SUPERFAN! was originally supposed to bang out this column with me last year but then he died and I thought it would be highly inappropriate to carry on without him. I've since gotten over it obviously.
Being a rainbow loving fruit who writes frequently on the internet is no picnic. Which is why I question how the men in spandex make it through each day. Professional wrestling is just about as gay as it gets. One wouldn't dare enter such a career without checking their sexuality at the door. Historically, some have even taken it a step further by bringing the homo inside and spreading it around. No I'm not talking about AIDS either. Years of close examination have led to the creation of the ultimate fag fest. That's right... yours truly took the time out of his oh so hectic schedule to compile a list of WWE's biggest fudgepackers. Think you know who's included? Perhaps Mr. McMahon? Hell no. Or maybe Big Dick Johnson? Guess again, cupcake. But surely The Heart Throbs, right? WRONG! The list below is exclusive company and only those willing to go the extra mile (anally) can call themselves true ass pirates. Cover up your buttcheeks and step forth!
10. Scott Steiner
While this case of 'roid rage might bring up the rear, don't get it twisted. Steiner's been a pee pee toucher since the early days. If you've seen photos of the initial Steiner Brothers or watched their matches back in the Stone Age, enough said. And we hear all the time about how pro wrestlers travel 517 days a year. I'm sure Rick and Scott put that dog collar to good use during those cold lonely nights when they worked for WCW. If I remember correctly, wasn't there a leash involved too? Kinky business. Plus, have you ever layed eyes on a meat head so obsessed with his jacked physique? To be totally honest, Steiner resembles a handicapped ex-gymnist suffering from a dwarfism and outrageous steroid abuse. The fact that he shares an enhanced version of a tattoo belonging to another individual on this list certainly does him no favors.
Freakzilla's brief stint in WWE did little to cover up his gayness. If anything, Steiner's blatant homosexuality was forced down the throats of fans everywhere in 2003. Big Poppa Pump had barely been with the company for two or three months when the Royal Rumble wardrobe incident occured. If you recall, Steiner's tights slipped down during his World Heavyweight Title match with Triple H and we all became witnesses of Freakzilla's fagotry. I mean staring at a glittery purple thong stretched over shaven man crack like dental floss can do a number on you. Oh and the whole Steiner/Test/Stacy love triangle was a complete sham. Big Poppa Pump didn't want Keibler... he had the hots for Test! How could people not tell??? I'm sure if you search the internet long enough, a Steiner/Test sex tape will pop up somewhere. Hopefully, Scotty tossed a VHS copy in Test's casket at the funeral.
9. Shawn Michaels
Posing for a gay male magazine and trying to play dumb afterwards just isn't gonna fly. The gaydar was amplified, HBK was stuck with the Sexy Boy gimmick and the rest is history. How many cock references did we see during DX's early days? It was clear to see on television that Hunter was uncomfortable with the various sexual gyrations and close attention to their respective crotches. Until The Game realized years later that such things were amusing to America's youth at which time he began doing religously. Back in 1997, H was simply biding his time until Michaels took a bad fall so he could step in and be the big hero. Trips would be rewarded for his patience in early 98' and HBK would marry a transexual during his four year sabbatical. Yeah that bitch looks good now but there was no denying she had sausage swinging between those legs at one point.
It's likely that "Rebecca" was still technically a male when Shawn married her/him in 1999. Lord knows the Nitro Girl gig wasn't paying for such surgeries as those checks were bouncing left and right. Hence why HBK would make sporadic appearances in WWE during his extended absences. The guy needed some extra pocket change to pay for those expensive hospital fees that "Rebecca" had racked up. Still, the ex Nitro Girl had testicles prior to everything which in turn makes Michaels out to look like an enormous cocksucker. The whole Texas cowboy act just leaves an awkward Brokeback Mountain taste in my mouth nowadays. If there's any other naysayers out there, check out the outfits HBK rocked 13-14 years ago. The only place those costumes were accepted in 1996 were gay strip clubs. And fucktards wonder why fans turned to WCW...
8. Al Snow
Side note: Anyone born in Lima, Ohio is undisputably gay.
The former Tough Enough coach placing eighth on this coveted list shouldn't serve as a surprise to anyone who caught the Attitude Era. Not only does Snow look like a distant relative of Ron Jeremy but he happily commandeered the J.O.B. Squad. Which means Big Gay Al promoted his constant jobbing and thus advertised the act of being physically dominated by superior muscular men. Convinced yet? Surely, Snow driving audiences all over the country to booming chants of "Head!" does the trick. Feeling impowered within his stale gimmick, Big Gay Al cried out in the form of a mannequin head with the oral sex-affiliated four letter word scribbled across its' forehead. Little did male supporters in the crowd figure out that Snow was encouraging the act between not Adam & Eve but... Adam & Jason. By the way, LOL @ Avatar. What a homo fucking gimmick. Not that I should be one to talk. Hanging out with the likes of Steve Blackman and Maven didn't exactly rid Snow of the gay stigma either.
7. Billy Gunn
For the uninformed, Gunn's real name is Monty Sopp which leads me to believe he was born in one of those random European countries like Belgium. Billy was strapped with the Western cowboy shtick along with his brother Bart who would reach solid success as the Smoking Cocks. Now I didn't suspect any homophobic activity until Sunny gave Gunn an open invitation at roughing her up in the bedroom... and he passed on it! Keep in mind this was before Sytch whored her vagina out to the entire WWE locker room. Therefore, my suspicions arose quickly as it seemed Billy was getting booty on the side already and actually pleasuring some Joe Shmoe in the booty. The mystery individual turned out to be none other than The Honky Tonk Man. However pumping the longest reigning IC Champion of all time with penis wasn't getting Gunn anywhere career-wise so he found a new 'partner' in Jesse James.
The New Age Outlaws would become rather open about expressing their grungy hardcore nature in public which only enticed the fucked up crowds WWE generated during the late 90's. Gunn would suck it for several years before realizing he was obsessed with another part of the male anatomy. Dubbed as Mr. Ass, Billy would show off his firm buttocks whenever the opportunity presented itself and bore kisses all over his suction tight wrestling trunks. If that doesn't get the message across, I don't know what will. Gunn uses the tea bag as a finishing manuever for crying out loud! And lastly, there was the whole Billy & Chuck soap opera but I try to not form mental images of what the former duo did behind closed doors. Cleaning out another dude's mudhole via tongue is just too much. And I bet that's just scratching the surface.
6. Orlando Jordan
Well hey look at that! We've stumbled upon a booty bandit who's been vocal about his homosexuality since day one. It's a shame too because Jordan ain't a bad lookin' dude (insert 'no homo' here). He could get mad girls without lifting a finger but I guess something about a fresh taint drives him crazy. Can't judge the man for enjoying the simple things in life. Wait... that's right. Yes we can. My main gripe with Orlando is it's difficult trying to find out who he tagged from behind during his WWE run. JBL just seems too obvious and comes off as a racist Texan who'd lynch an African American before engaging in anal with one. Benoit appeared to be a strong candidate for a while however the double murder suicide put that all to rest. Hey I watched their United States Championship match at SummerSlam a few years ago and witnessed how fast Jordan gave up. There's no way in hell Orlando could bury his face in the pillows to silence his moans without Benoit suffocating him into submission. Or until death.
5. Rico
Stunned to find Rico so low on the list? Me too. But there's bigger fags to fry further down on the page. (sigh) Where to start... I have a close family member who's gay and even she would scream "FAG!" at the sight of this fellow. My guess is WWE management couldn't help but notice Rico's radiating gayness while he was training in Ohio Valley Wrestling and knew he'd excel in the stylist role. Especially considering he was managing Billy & Chuck of all people. Rico wasted no time in frequent orgies with the tag team and homophobes steered clear of the trio at all costs. The situation turned so ugly that Rico, Billy & Chuck were banned from wrestling in several southern states for their own safety. It wasn't long before Rico grew tired of his minimal contact with other men from ringside. He would venture into the ring eventually and bust loads in his tights every Thursday night on SmackDown while sexually harassing his opponents. After countless complaints and restraining orders, WWE were forced to fire Rico on the spot.
4. Goldust
Yeah I know the astonished element is lacking here but it would be a crime to shaft one of WWE's true fruit cakes out of this fagathon. One could argue that Rico ripped off The Gold One's fondling of other wrestlers as it was Rhodes who first mastered the art. And speaking of the family name, Goldust is the ugly duckling son of the man with the gayest sounding voice (cue the lisp) ever heard in the world of professional wrestling - Dusty Rhodes. That's gotta count for something. No? Well how do you explain Goldust's latex dominatrix-esque wrestling attire? His suggestive mannerisms and one liners? Showing up in the ring dressed as a baby complete with diaper and bib? Associating himself with that horrendous nWo storyline? Can you imagine Rhodes and Blue Meanie in a sex chamber with Ryan Shamrock video taping? *shudders* Not my type of freaky shit.
Every time I think of Goldust, I'm haunted by the scene at the end of Silence of the Lambs where the serial killer Buffalo Bill is making a woman suit out of his victims. That's Dustin Rhodes during his spare time without a doubt.
3. Pat Patterson
Patty helped introduce pro wrestling to the gay community in the late 1950's when most didn't even know such a thing even existed. Patty brought them right around with his lipstick, pink trunks and pet Poodle. I'm sure it just solidified everyone's opinions of the guy though because we all know Canadians are homosexuals in general (Edge happens to be a rare exception). If you're not buying it, look no further than '92 when Patty was fired by World Wrestling Entertainment after being charged with sexual harassment by one of the companies' old ring announcers. Fortunately, Patty would get his job back later down the road and become one of Vinnie Mac's full-time rape victims. There's a long standing rumor about McMahon being a huge fag however it's likely just his schizophrenia acting up from time to time. A nasty side effect of steroid use. The final missing piece of the puzzle came at King of the Ring in 2000 when Patty took on Gerald Briscoe in an Evening Gown match for the Hardcore Championship. Try defending that one from homo jabs. Tis' impossible.
2. Kanyon
Oh boy. You know it was pretty fucking hard not ranking this penis wrinkle at the top of my cock party. He has all the credentials to earn himself such a prestigious award but I just couldn't do it. The "InVasion MVP!" t-shirt was the deciding factor in the end. If you've never read up on Kanyon's past, please do. There's shit all over the internet about his experimenting with other men which is chock full of entertainment. There was one story in particular about following some dude who'd been flirting with Kanyon into the woods (WTF?) and making out with the guy. Kanyon's friends almost caught an eyeful and he demanded that the guy never approach him again. To which the mystery cum guzzler shows up in front of Kanyon and his friends; leading to Kanyon threatening to kill his former cock handler if they ever crossed paths again. It gets better too but I'll leave the rest to the imagination.
On top of all that, Kanyon's one ugly ass faggot. Have you ever truly examined him closely (a.k.a. within a few inches of the television screen)? It's horrifying. Picturing him sweating all over some hairy dude's back before performing a raunchy sexual finisher to cap things off makes my stomach uneasy. Don't forget Kanyon's also linked to Dennis Rodman, participated in a Judy Bagwell on a Forklift match and emerged from a large crate to sing a Boy George song. Yeah I rest my case.
1. X-Pac
BLAMO! Pick up that jaw, chaps. I'm quite aware this isn't a list of wrestlers who suck the most. However Sean Waltman has displayed his homosexual tendencies significantly more than the nine fags previously mentioned. To the point of no return. Evidence? Go visit your local porn shop and ask for 1 Night in China. If you can handle gross shit, watch it from start to finish and then come back to me. Dunno about you but I saw two cocks involved my friend and neither was a dildo. Those growth hormones turned Chyna into some sort of unisex creature with both male and female parts. And X-Pac banged the hell out of it with the sober intent of selling the sex tape for profit. Lets say they both were indeed drunk at the time. Waltman's showed up to several heavily populated events with Laurer and even made a few appearances on VH1's The Surreal Life to confront Chyna.
Shit I don't even need to bring up the 1-2-3 Kid or X-Pac's professional career because his personal life speaks for itself. I wish Waltman and his boyfriend all the best. Wait they're not together anymore? Psh... X-Pac still sucks it like a meat flavored popsicle.
My Edgykins is currently rated "S" for sidelined. Fuck I miss him more with each passing day. The status of Copeland's rehabilitation remains uncertain and I fully expect it to stay like that until The Ultimate Opportunist makes his long awaited return. Judging by Jericho's harsh comments following Edge's severe injury, one's gotta assume a mega face push is in order for Copeland in 2010 as well as a program with the reigning Unified Tag Team Champion. Personally, I'd love to see The Master Manipulator show up during the mass chaos that is the Royal Rumble and make some serious noise. He doesn't even need to win the damn thing. Just re-establishing himself and subsequently teasing a face turn to build on. As for Copeland's involvement in WrestleMania 26, who the fuck knows. Perhaps another MITB match? We're all up to speed on Edge's fetish with ladders. I think The Ultimate Opportunist deserves a higher spot on the card but not if he's cleared to wrestle like two weeks before Mania.
It must be depressing for the Minnesota Twins to earn a playoff berth with the knowledge of being utterly dismantled by the New York Yankees. Not much of an opening round for the MLB playoffs from a competitive standpoint except maybe the Phillies/Rockies series. To which I ask besides people in Pennsylvania and Colorado, who fucking cares? I expected more of a battle from Albert Pujols and the Cardinals but the Dodgers swept the shit out of them. Oh and look at that... Angels are up two games to zip on the Red Sox. Fuck yes! Although I'm not sure how much celebrating sould commence as it can be disputed that Los Angeles provide a tougher match-up for the Yanks in the American League Championship series. It's also ridiculous how short the MLB playoffs are as compared to NBA or NHL. Nonetheless, New York are swinging the bats well, their pitching has been solid and downgrading Joba Chamberlain to the bullpen was key to the Yankees' postseason success. I still don't care much for that whiny redneck pussy fart though.
Plug carefully or prepare for the consequences...
Uncle Joe pays a wondrous tribute to the elf ancestors in space. Join the adventure! - The Eulogy
(sigh) Time to take a load off, people. Over the last few weeks, I've been trying to get the Moderators in the LOP Columns Forum to bite on a potential competition run by me. Something along the lines of the Main Page columnists versus the Columns Forum's top writers for bragging rights. Unfortunately, I was denied but there might still be hope! If all goes according to plan, the competition will play out here on the Main Page. Nothing's set in stone but I think the quality and creativity would be off the charts. Plus, it serves as entertainment while we're waiting for the CSI in January. And of course, The Candyman will be participating if the contest does eventually come to fruition. Meanwhile, drop me a line at (SkitzLOP@aol.com) because everyone else's doing it. What other reason do you need!? Sorry if you found the column offensive but at the same time, fuck off. Later homies.
